I didn’t know all that much about the history of my race. I knew some basic things, including some stuff about mythology, that I learned back in middle school, which sounded cool, but also a bit unbelievable. The thing was, Twilight didn’t know anything about the human race, or how it came to be. So, I did what anyone would do when faced with a task such as this; I told a story...a story of half truths. She readied her quill pen, looked at me with a determined sense of purpose, and I was ready to begin.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…well…in another dimension anyway, there were…THE GODS.
“The Gods? Who are they?”
“You know. The Gods, the creators of all life in the universe. More specifically…our universe. They lived in the cosmos above, and watched over our creation.”
“I see…go on.”
Anyway, they came by many names, but one was the one true God, the man who would create all of mankind.
“God was a Man?”
“It depends on who you talk to. In the books I’ve read, though, God was referred to as a Man.”
“What was this God’s name?”
“His name was…well he had many names. Like Zeus, Odin, George Lucas. Which one sounds good to you?”
“Odin sounds good.”
Okay. So, Odin, was sitting in the skies above out planet and said…
“I feel like creating life today.”
“If this Odin created you, who created him, and the other Gods?”
“I do not know. I don’t think anyone knows, exactly. Do you want to hear this story, or not?”
“I’m sorry. Please, continue.”
With that thought, he sought out in his quest to create life. But he didn’t just snap his fingers and created humanity in that instant, no. Instead, he created other life, like fish. And those fish became lizards, and those lizards became Dinosaurs!
“Dinosaurs?”
“Like dragons, but less cool.”
“Oh.”
So, the dinosaurs roamed the land, eating plants, but also, eating each other. They were massive, large in scale. If they still existed, they would have been terrifying creatures that would have been nearly impossible to stop. They were around for many years. Until, one day, Odin was sitting around on his throne in the sky, and said…
“This is boring. I want some explosions!”
And so, he plucked a meteor out of the depths of space, and tossed it at the earth, creating an explosion large enough to wipe out all the dinosaurs, leaving only their bones. The earth was a wasteland, but eventually life found a way, as it became habitable, and less toxic from all the meteor dust. When that happened, Odin decided to try again, but he did things a little differently this time.
“I’m going to create a being in my own image.” He said in a loud, booming voice that pierced the very heavens.
However, unlike the dinosaurs, he did away with making fish and things that would eventually become humans; instead creating two prototype humans, named Adam and Eve. He placed them in a massive forest like place, called the Garden of Eden, to see what they can do, the catch was, that they couldn’t take any apple from the apple tree in the center of the land.
“Why not?”
“Not quite sure. Probably to test their obedience, I guess.”
Anyway, they took the apple regardless, because of some snake thing, who was the Devil and stuff.
“The Devil? Who is that?”
“Oh right, I forgot about the Devil. Well, Odin and the Devil, who also had many names, but let’s call him Lou, were brothers. But unlike Odin, Lou was pure evil. He was a sadistic man, who reveled in messing with his brother, like a really irritating prankster, but multiplied by eleven.”
“Why was he evil?”
“Uhh…I…” I had to think of something quickly, “Because Odin shut him out of the process of making life, so he swore to create chaos for Odin’s creations.” Wow, that actually sounded kind of cool. If someone told me that, I would have believed it.
“Woah, great stuff!” she said, scribbling furiously into her notebook, “Keep going! What happened when he became a snake?”
He tempted Adam and Eve to take an apple, telling them that no harm would come of them. So they did, and Odin found out right away! He was so mad, he cast them out of the garden, and started fresh.
“What happened to Adam and Eve after they were cast out?”
“I don’t know. They probably died in an explosion or something. It was very vague in the textbooks I read.”
So, without any other options, Odin decided to start like he did the first time around, creating life that would eventually become simple minded apes, and threw them onto earth. After a while, they evolved, and lo and behold…man was officially born! But there was a problem…man was stupid. They were no better than the primal ape, killing and mating all the time like wild beasts.
“And then, women came to be, which made man better?”
“No, this applied to women too. When I say ‘Man’, I’m usually referring to all humans.”
“Aww…” she sounded disappointed, “Oh well.”
Anyways, like all things, over time, they got smarter and smarter. We learned to speak, learned to build things, read and write, all the good stuff. Soon, man became numerous, and the whole world became populated by us, and we thrived for centuries! We created the wheel, the automobile, the speeding train, the movies, television, weapons, computers, clothes!
Throughout history, we had dozens, if not hundreds of individuals who changed our lives forever. George Washington, who discovered the United States of America, the place that came to be the land of the free, and home of the brave. Abraham Lincoln, who abolished slavery, and fought a legion of vampires single handedly. And Michael Bay, who saved the world by sending a team of ordinary men into space, to destroy a global killer-class asteroid!
They, along with many others, were all wonderful human beings who led our people to greatness, and love and tolerance!
“Sounds like good times. Exciting too.” Twilight seemed impressed. Anyone else would have stopped me at the vampire part, but not her; she didn’t know any better.
However, like all creatures, some did not agree to these peaceful times. We had periods of war, periods of death and tragedy; many lives were lost, but through the ashes, many lives were saved. We continued to live on, doing our best to stay proud and strong. We were, and still are a flawed species, who have a lot to learn, even with our long history, but we have endured and will continue to survive. At least until Odin gets bored, and decides to press that ever present restart button. That would be most unfortunate.
“Do you think that would really happen?” Twilight asked.
“Who knows? Now that I’m here, I suppose I’ll never know. If it does, I’m glad I’m with you guys, instead.”
I watched as Twilight wrote down my last words. When she was finished, she quickly looked up at me.
“Anything else?” she asked.
“That’s it. I don’t know much else, beyond that. There were probably a few details here and there that I might have missed, but that was basically it.” I put on my best poker face.
“But, what about your customs, democracies, political stances, and religious points of view?”
“That’s a lot more complicated than you think, Twilight.” I chuckled, “Being a free species, with not much in the way of a definitive ruler, unlike your Celestia and Luna, we could do whatever we wanted, and believe whatever we wanted.”
“You’re not saying our leaders are fascists, are you?”
Didn't expect her to say something like that. It really caught me off guard.
“That’s not what I meant. I apologize if that’s what it sounded like. Though I do not know your ways yet, I can see this looks like a pretty nice place.” I watched as Twilight’s expression changed from accusatory, to a smile, “What I was trying to say, is that we had many leaders in our time, with many policies and religions formed by different individuals. That’s all. How many religions do you have here?”
“Not many. Like three I think.”
“We had a heck of a lot more than that. However, I don’t want to bore you with all the details. Besides, I don’t want to slow things down, and explain every single tiny little thing.”
“But, I want you to do that. It’s almost impossible to bore me!”
“Serious? Not even if I talked rreeeeeeeaaaallllllllyyyyyy sssssllllllloooooowwwww….”
Twilight busted out laughing at my incredibly deep and slow voice, and lightly pushed me in a playful manner.
“Okay, maybe if you did that. But, come on. Tell me a least a little bit.”
“Fine.” I said.
For the next hour or so, I told her about all the religions that I was aware of, thanks to the magic of computers and the internet. I even told her about fake religions, like Trekkies, made by that massive dedicated fanbase of the television show Star Trek. Of course, when I told her that, I had to tell her all I knew about Star Trek, then Star Wars, and science fiction in general.
Every explanation that came from my mouth sprouted more questions from her. She actually found what I had to say interesting, even if I didn’t find it very interesting myself. The look of wonder on her face never left, as I rambled on with the history of my kind.
I discussed almost everything with her, from politics and technology, to our health and metabolism, it was there. I had no idea how much information I had. Sure, I pulled most of the history of the human race out of my behind, but everything else came to me like I knew it all, and simply forgot until the time came.
Only one topic remained, and it was the most awkward of them all.
“So, you told me about what foods your kind eats, the body types, and hatred for these creatures called ‘Snobs’. I have to ask…what are your mating habits?” She said straight.
I paused. Should I really tell her the things that I knew? Hell, most of the things I knew came from books, movies, internet, and perverted guys that I heard in bathroom stalls. Should I even tell her that I was a virgin, who never had a girlfriend, or anything close to an intimate and physical relationship? Sure, I had girls who were friends…Twilight is one of them! But…well…you know.
“Um…well…you see…when a man and a woman love each other very very much.” I decided to begin with the dumbed down explanation my parents told me.
“That’s what my parents told me. I’m already aware of that. I want to know what your habits are.” she demanded.
Great, her parents talked just like mine.
“Well, it can’t be much different than yours, I don’t think…” I said, “I mean, you’re a girl, so you have a….you know, and the guys have….yeah. We have that those kinds of things too. So…you put them together and…” I moved my hands together, forming some kind of interpretive dance about coupling, obviously maneuvering around the issue as horribly as I possibly could. “…sex…I guess…”
“You don’t really know. Do you?” she said with a raised eyebrow.
“Of course I do!” I said, “I just don’t particularly like discussing it. It’s a little too personal for me.”
“Okay, well tell me what it’s like.”
Ah crap. Now she’s really going to have to find out.
“That’s the thing. I…I don’t exactly know. I haven’t…”
“Oh…OH!” she got it, “You haven’t?! Wow, I mean…really? A guy like you? What?!”
“A guy like me? You didn’t see many guys in my world, have you? If you did, you wouldn’t be this surprised.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. You think it’s weird, don’t you?”
“N-no! I-I wasn't saying that at all! You just... well...” Twilight then shakes her head. "Never mind."
Hearing Twilight stammer at such a revelation started to embarrass me. I know it's a bit lame for a guy at my age to be a virgin, but you don't have to make that big of a deal about it. I could get all thoughtful or romantic; saying that I'm waiting for the right one, but I'd just be kidding myself, because that would have required me actually looking for that right one.
“Can we change the subject please, Twilight? I’m getting a little uncomfortable here.”
“Okay, okay.” she said, “I’m sorry.” she puts the book down, “It wasn’t my intention to embarrass you like that.”
“No, it’s okay. You were curious, that’s all.”
“Perhaps we can continue this another time, when things aren’t so…awkward.”
“Hey, at least it can’t get much more awkward than this, right?” I chuckled.
Just then, the door opened revealing a small purple dragon.
“Twilight, I’m home!” he said, “I just got back from Canterlot and…” he stops mid-sentence, looking right at me. “What the heck is that?!” he shouted, “Get away from Twilight!”
He ran at me like a football quarterback. Before I could react, he jumped onto my face, and started hitting the top of my head like a drum. I got up from the couch, trying desperately to shake him off, but the claws in his feet were dug into my shirt, holding on tightly to my shoulders.
“Spike! No! Stop it!” Twilight pleaded with him.
“I will once he’s out of the house!” he says back to her, whilst still trying to smash my brains into mush.
“He’s not leaving, Spike! He’s staying with us!”
“What?”
When he was distracted, I grabbed him, and forcefully ripped him from me, tearing my shirt, and scratching my shoulders. That hurt, and I wasn’t too happy about it. I looked at him with anger in my eyes. The braveness that he displayed was completely gone, and all that was left was embarrassment, and a little bit of fright.
“Uhh…hi.” he said timidly.
“Don’t….do that…again…” I said, fighting myself to not throw the little dragon across the room. I put him down, and he ran over to Twilight.
“Oh my gosh! You’re bleeding!” Twilight said, rushing past Spike, to check my scratches, “Bad Spike! You know better than to assault house-guests!”
“I didn’t know! He was big and tall, I thought he was some kind of monster!”
“What he is, is a human. The ONLY human in Equestria, I might add, and you could have killed him!”
“I wasn’t going to kill him! Now seriously wound, probably.”
Twilight gives him an angry glare that burned through his skull. When he stepped back from her, she looked back at me.
“Are you okay?”
“What is it with your pets trying to attack me today?”
“He’s not a pet. That’s my assistant, Spike.”
“Right, you mentioned him back in New York.”
She inspects my cuts. I see her shake her head, tsking multiple times.
“These are a little deep. I need to clean up your scratches.”
She takes me into the bathroom, where she cleaned my cuts with a delicate amount of care. The way she was treating me, was like my own personal nurse. Still, the disinfectant she was putting on my wounds hurt a lot. I winced in pain at each touch.
“I should have sent Spike a letter beforehand.” she lamented, “This could have easily been avoided. Guess I got a little too excited for my own good.” she looks at my tattered shirt on the floor, “He even tore one of Rarity’s shirts!”
“Don’t worry so much.” I said, “I have more of them on my bed.”
“It’s not just that. He could have seriously hurt you! I’ve never seen him act so aggressive!”
“I’m tougher than you think.” I winch again at another dab of disinfectant, “Don’t let my looks of pain fool you.” I jested.
“Which reminds me; how long will it take to heal these wounds?”
“It depends on the wound. Sometimes it would take days, other times longer than that. Especially with broken bones, or super deep gashes.”
“That’s very slow. We ponies can heal very quickly. Broken bones can be mended within days.”
“Wow, that is fast.”
“I guess it’s good that Princess Celestia is turning you into one of us, then. You won’t have to worry so much, when you get injuries like this.”
I was silent at what she said. I still couldn’t believe that I agreed to let Celestia proceed with such a thing. Sure, the thought of healing faster, and fitting in more easily sounded like a good idea with each passing second, but I kind of liked my humanity as well. Twilight didn’t seem to mind my decision; she was still very much interested in studying me. That part was obvious; I saw her stashing away cotton balls of my blood in a bag for further investigation. It was probably the true reason as to why she wanted me to stay with her, so she can continue to watch me, and study my behavior. A real scientific egghead, if I’ve ever saw one.
Nevertheless, despite the ever growing fear of my insides in her presence, it was infinitely better than sleeping outside on a mound of dirt. Besides, what are a few blood tests and skin samples every now and again?
“There we are. All patched up.” she said, putting the last bandage on my shoulder. “You want to formerly introduce yourself to Spike?”
“Sure.” I replied.
After putting on another shirt, I walked up to the little purple dragon. He was remorseful about attacking me; I could see it as he slow put a hand up, anticipating a handshake.
“Sorry about that.” he said, “I’m Spike.”
I looked down at his clawed hand, then back at him. I smiled, and shook his hand.
“I’m Matt.” I said, “So, anything else in this house that wants to attack me?”
Just then, like God had a massive sense of humor that day, I felt something nibbling at my shoes. I looked down to see a small bright red bird biting at me furiously, but not breaking anything. The bird was nothing like I ever seen before. Instead of being mad, I looked at the creature, confused as to why it was so intent on eating my shoe.
“There’s a bird trying to eat me.” I said rather calmly.
Spike picks up the little bird, giving him a gentle pet. The creature cooed and calmed down from its attack on my feet.
“That’s just Peewee. He’s my pet Phoenix.”
“A Phoenix?” I asked, “You mean those things that burst into flames every once in awhile, and turn back into a baby?”
“Yeah. You’ve seen one before?”
“I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one personally. Peewee’s his name?”
“I named him myself.”
“Hey little guy.” I said, reach out a hand to pet him. He snapped at it with great velocity, but I pulled my hand back before he could get me. “Maybe later, then. Why has every animal I’ve met so far, tried to kill or wound me?”
“Maybe because you’re not familiar to them.” Twilight deduced, “They’ll get used to you, eventually.”
As evening fell, Twilight cooked up a delicious meal of baked vegetables, and a nice little garden salad. I realized quickly that meat was going to be right out of the question from here on out, and that it was going to take some getting used to. Nevertheless, the food was good, so I had no complaints. Twilight proceeded to tell Spike all about me, my situation, and my living conditions for what will be the rest of my life. He attempted to give me the tough guy spiel; saying that if I tried anything funny with Twilight, I would be on the business end of his dragon fist. I had a little laugh at that, assuring the little guy that I had no intention of messing with her.
Before the meal was up, I did wonder about something…
“Twilight…” I said. She raised her head up, still eating her food. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure thing.” she swallows her food, “What is it?”
“I know that this is going to be a bit of a loaded question, but…what’s your story?”
Little did I know of the gates that I have opened. Her eyes grew big with utter happiness, as she smiled the widest smile I had seen her accomplish. I had no idea how wide it was going to go, until she stopped at the point where I thought impossible. She rushed away from her plate, and sat down right next to me.
“You want to know about us?” she asked, still brandishing that crazy smile.
“Since I’m going to be living here…yeah, sure. Why not?”
“Oh brother…” Spike said, “You’re in for it now.” He takes the plates away to the sink, so he wouldn’t have to listen to her.
She breathed in a large deep breath, and so began the back-story of her species. I would love to talk about it, but I am sure you are all aware of the story she is telling. About Celestia and Luna, the discovery of Equestria, the thousand year banishment that concluded with the re-discovery of the Elements of Harmony. That last part was of particular interest to me, since I finally found out what Rarity meant when she called herself ‘The Element of Generosity.’ I had very little clue that I was harboring actual heroes, ones of have risked life and limb to save their world from doom....more than once! Forget the heroes that I had seen in films, television, and comic books, these six ponies were the real deal.
Now, I was the one who looked upon the storyteller with that sense of wonder and admiration she looked at me with. Her tale blew mine straight out of the water, and into the stratosphere. None of what she said felt like embellishments, or over the top lies, it all sounded like the absolute truth.
When she finished, she started to breath normally again. I sat there, mouth agape, processing the tale that she just told. Only one word came to mind…
“Woah.”
“I know, crazy right?” she said, as she got off her chair, “Well, it’s time for bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I watched her trot off upstairs, where she immediately slumped down into bed, and fell fast asleep. I still hadn’t moved an inch from my spot. Spike was already gone, where I assumed he went to bed while Twilight was talking to me. I looked around the room; making sure nobody was waiting to attack me, or claw my face off. All alone, the only one in the house that was awake, I was finally able to say the thought that I had early in the day, before I was head-butted by that clumsy mailpony.
“I think I’m going to like it here.”