The Quest For Cabbage
Chapter Phive: Another Lesson In Stereotypes
I arrived at Fluttershy's cottage at the beginning of the Everfree Forest.
Well, here we are.
Yes.
Here we are. At Fluttershy's cottage.
Yes, we have already established that in the first sentence. Are you feeling okay?
Here we are, at Fluttershy's cottage where I am going to knock on her door and ask her for some cabbage, nothing else.
Why do I get the feeling that you aren't confident in your own plan?
I stared at the door. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. She's so freakin' adorable in the cartoon. What if she's even more so in this realism Equestria?
Only one way to find out. Don't waffle out on me now.
I could practically feel the glee coming off of Discord. Tentatively, I brought one hoof up and gently knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the door opened up a crack and two blue eyes peered out at me.
"Umm, yes?" she asked in her adorably quiet voice.
Collecting myself, I cleared my throat and prepared to present my speech. "G-good day, Miss Fluttershy, I-I was w-w-wondering if I could..." I started to say, but was unable to continue any more.
The door opened a bit more as Fluttershy tried to get a closer look at me.
"Are you okay? You look like you haven't got any rest in three days..."
Looks can be deceiving, but in this case they're pretty spot on, the logical part of me thought as the rest of me was occupied.
"I-I was w-wondering if I could...if I c-could..." I tried to say again, but failed miserably.
"Oh you poor thing! You're delirious! Here, come inside and I'll fix you up," said Fluttershy as she grabbed my hoof, pulling me inside.
Called it.
I just want it put on the record that I tried to resist. I really did. Unfortunately, this happened.
As she pulled me inside, I bent down and reached around her small frame with my forelegs, pulling her into an embrace. "D'aaaaaaawwwwwwww!"
I'm not sure how long I held Fluttershy for, but my hug was only stopped when Fluttershy coughed very quietly and asked, "Umm, can you please let go of me now? I mean, if that's okay with you..."
I awkwardly disentangled myself from the adorable pegasus, mumbling, "Sorry," as I did so. Fluttershy dragged me over to her couch and told me to wait there for her as she disappeared into what I assumed was the kitchen. Her hair wasn't enough to hide the blush on her face.
So THAT'S what you meant. I assumed you meant something far different when you said 'control yourself'.
Shut up, Discord. I couldn't help it. She's even more adorable in person...err, pony. That's another thing I don't get. Humans don't refer to themselves the same way that the ponies do. We don't say 'everyhuman' or 'anyhuman', so why do they?
Well, for starters, your race is far more divided than that of the ponies of Equestria. Perhaps if your race was as united as them, more synonymous terms may arise, such as the ones you mentioned.
I nodded. After I nodded, I frowned. After I frowned, I scowled. Aren't you the cause of that, Discord? You're the God of Chaos, aren't you?
I could tell that Discord was a bit miffed at my last statement.
Just because I'm the God of Chaos doesn't make me inherently evil. Chaos is just another word for fun, in my book.
Naturally. Of course, in your book, clouds rain chocolate milk and glassware is a form of drink.
Point taken. However, I am not the source of the human race's division. Strife is.
Strife?
The God of Conflict.
My jaw dropped. Apparently, Discord could sense that.
Don't act so surprised. Did you honestly think that I was the only one of the Old Gods to have escaped from his prison?
If my jaw could drop any lower, it would.
OLD GODS?! There are more assholes like you out there?!
With language like that, I guess you don't want me to tell you.
Damnit, I didn't mean that! You know I was just kidding!
Unfortunately, I couldn't coax any more conversation out of the embodiment of chaos.
"All over some fucking cabbage," I muttered under my breath to myself. Well, at least I thought it was to myself. I wasn't aware of the small, menacing creature sneaking up on me.
While I was pondering on how to go about asking Fluttershy for a cabbage, I was assaulted by a furious white blur. It had struck me on the face multiple times before I could exclaim my displeasure.
"Gah! Fuck! Get off me!" I said as I tried to swat the demon-spawn away with my hooves without knowing who it was. My flailing hooves did more harm than good, however, as I only managed to give myself a black eye.
Finally, the onslaught ended. Out of my good eye, I looked for the vicious creature that had abused me so. I spotted the little hell-raiser out of my good eye, standing on a chair in front of me. I narrowed my eye and glared at him.
"Fuck you, Angel."
The small white bunny glared back at me, chewing on a carrot as he did. He pointed to his eyes, then at me, as if to say, I'm watching you.
I'm watching you too, you insolent little fuck, I thought as I dragged my hoof across my throat. I wasn't sure how well the motion translated, but it seemed to get the point across to the furry little devil. He glared at me once more, then jumped down from his perch and ran off to god-knew-where.
Thankfully, nothing else tried to slaughter me while I waited for Fluttershy to return. I had some time on my hooves, so I decided to attempt to persuade Discord into talking again.
Discord...come out, come out, wherever you are...
Still receiving no response, I decided to try something drastic.
Don't make me say it, Discord. You know you won't be able to resist...
With still no response, I shrugged and said aloud, "Suit yourself." I thought of the brief jingle in my head. Apparently, no cartoon character could resist it...
Shave and a hair-cut... I thought as I played the corresponding musical notes in my head. I thought I felt something from Discord, so I tried again.
Shave and a hair-cut...
Unnnngh.
C'mon, draconequis, you know you can't resist. Shave and a hair-cut...-
TWO BITS!
I couldn't help myself. The sheer ridiculousness of what I had just accomplished made me burst out in laughter.
Oh ha-ha. You think you're soo clever, don't you?
Yes. Yes I do, I mentally replied as I tried to stifle my giggles.
Fine. You want to know about Strife, do you? He's a jerk. There.
What? Just a jerk? That's all?
He's much more than just a jerk, Waffle. He's a complete and total buzzkill. While I am all for a bit of chaos here and there, it is all in good jest. I, at least, make people laugh with what I do. Strife? He causes conflict for no other reason than to watch people hurt each other.
...I take it you don't like him very much.
What gave it away? Yes, I despise Strife and all that he represents. I'm glad he was banished to your realm. No offense to you, of course.
What?! He was banished to Earth?
More or less. He's the reason that you humans are constantly in conflict with each other. If it weren't for him, you humans would have put aside your differences hundreds, if not thousands, of years ago.
It took a few seconds for this information to process. So...we've been fucked over?
Pretty much.
That's fucking bullshit! If he was banished to Earth, then it had to have been done by someone...
My expression became even more bemused than normal.
...or someponies with enough power to do so. Did they really fuck us humans over that badly?
I underestimated your skills at connecting the dots. As far as I know, yes.
TROLLESTIA!