My shirt was over my head when I came to. The pain had mostly stopped, but things felt... different. I tried shaking my head around, and my shirt moved with me, blocking my vision and keeping me tangled up in my clothes. Things got especially awkward when a benevolent and reasonable sounding voice started talking.
"Do you need help cutting your way out? There are things we need to talk about."
"You're telling me I can cut my way out?"
"Of course, your shirt is stuck to your horn. Just step on the bottom and look up."
Did she just say horn? Apparently something happened I need to see. Just what did that circle hit me with? After about a minute of awkwardness, I finally managed to cut myself loose.
A large, white, regal looking pegasus unicorn... thing with a tattoo of a sun on her butt was sitting outside the ruins of the circle with an amused look on her face. Her multicolored hair was apparently operating in multiple realities simultaneously for lack of a better term. Do not mess with things with multidimensional anime-colored hair, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Until I figured out a better term, the only classification I could think of was eldritch abomination.
My insane summoner apparently found a hairbrush, and was standing right next to her with a neutral expression on her face. After noticing the mystery eldritch abomination's tattoo, I realized that my summoner had a tattoo that looked like a six-pointed star in the same location.
My attention turned to myself as I tried standing up. My arms were covered in a bright shade of green fur that reminded me of the lines of code from The Matrix, and there were hooves where my hands should be. So at least for the moment, I'm apparently a green unicorn who's slightly larger than, Twilight I think she was muttering to herself earlier? Ms. Sunshine was definitely larger than me though. Hey, eldritch abominations can have innocent sounding names, ever heard of the Slender Man?
"You're probably wondering what happened to your body, and once we get introduced properly, I'll tell you. I am Princess Celestia, and this is my student, Twilight Sparkle."
Despite sounding like C-3PO, that statement started blaring alarm bells in my head. Never give your full name to a magic user you don't know the capabilities of. It's just like giving them the remote to a mechanism keeping a dagger in front of your throat. Also, do they have vampire ponies here?
"I'm Garrett, and I seriously hope you understand if I don't volunteer any more of my name to spellcasters I don't know."
Twilight looked like she was about to have a relapse, while Celestia still seemed amused.
"Garrett is fine, but you should know that story is only a myth. As I promised, here's what happened to you. My student's spell brought you past the Demarcation Line, an ancient defense from the days where your species could simply walk into Equestria. You may have heard stories about the deepest parts of the woods? Do stories of the fair folk still go around your taverns? There is some truth in those stories, though we are nowhere near the monsters you made us out to be. The weakness to cold iron was accurate too, although it's little more than a mild allergy today. Your species used to send warriors bedecked in iron armor into the woods to hunt us, thinking we abducted their children or some other ridiculous thing.”
“We established the Demarcation Line as a response. Any human who passed the line would be transformed into a pony until they were outside the line again. The hunters were cooked alive by their new forms being trapped in iron, or driven out because they could not figure out how to use their weapons effectively in their new forms. Peaceful travelers could find their way out with trails of luminescent foliage and floating lights that were established in the parts of our woods that connected to Earth. We thought it to be a fair response at the time. You will remain in that form until you leave Equestria unless you stay in an active circle that blocks magic. This brings us to the problem. Since reason took hold in your species, walking between Earth and Equestria has become impossible. We haven’t had contact with humans in centuries. I know the spell my student used to bring you here because she told me what happened, but I think she can explain it better than I can. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask."
I'm assuming she meant The Enlightenment when she talked about reason taking hold, but Twilight is explaining now.
"I summoned you here with a spell called Verdant Codice’s Transdimensional Fishing Line. It's supposed to extend a line into another dimension, completely at random, while tipping the line with bait that shapeshifts to attract curiosity from the inhabitants of whatever dimension it enters. Once the line catches, the creature is dragged across dimensions, along with a fragment of the nearby terrain, into the combination of a line projector and a summoning circle with an integrated banishing spell."
She looked at Princess Celestia imploringly, but got a nod implying she should continue.
"Princess Celestia's spell... broke the circle before I could dismiss you properly. The circle was linked to your dimension, and because it's broken, sending you back home is much more difficult. She was trying to fix a mistake I made using a spell from the same creator and book as the one that summoned you. It's called the Want it Need it spell. It enchants an object or pony so that they exert an irresistible attraction on every living thing of sufficient intelligence that looks at it. I enchanted one of my old dolls with the spell and gave it to Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo. The chaos created a riot involving all of Ponyville, requiring Princess Celestia to come here personally to sort it out. Your circle got caught in the spell she used."
"I've got a question about that fishing line spell you mentioned. What made a friendship problem so important that you risked summoning CTHULHU, tried to sell your soul to me, and started a riot to find?"
"Who is Cthulhu?" Celestia asked me.
"A fictional monster from the works of an author named H.P. Lovecraft I'm using to illustrate a point. Cthulhu is one of a group of creatures humans imagined, that are abominations onto the laws of nature. They are things that should not exist, but do. If the transdimensional fishing line snagged something like that, there is a very good chance that it would end all life on this world. So why would anyone use a spell that had a chance of catching something that dangerous?"
"It's a long story, but since you asked..."
"In this world, two alicorn princesses control the flow of day and night. Princess Celestia, who is standing right here, raises the sun, and her sister, Princess Luna, raises the moon. Slightly over 1000 years ago, ponies almost entirely slept during the night. Because Princess Luna is the goddess of the night to Princess Celestia's goddess of the day, she became jealous. That jealousy grew, and eventually developed into a split personality that called itself Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon refused to lower the moon, and Princess Celestia turned the Elements of Harmony, the magical artifacts they once used together to defeat Equestria's former ruler, Discord, against her. Nightmare Moon was trapped on Equestria's moon for 1000 years when this happened. The Princesses are the only ponies who have ever been able to bear more than one element at a time, and they were never meant to be used by a single pony. Because of this, the Elements turned to harmless stone, and were forgotten in the old castle in the Everfree Forest."
"I come in 1000 years later. When I still lived in Canterlot with Celestia, I spent all my time in the library studying, building up my knowledge but rarely using it. On the eve of Nightmare Moon's return, I found out about what was going to happen in an old book of prophecies, and tried to warn Princess Celestia about it. She sent me to Ponyville to coordinate the Summer Sun celebration. When I came there, I met my friends, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. The celebration went as planned until it was time for Princess Celestia to show up. Nightmare Moon made her entrance then. We were all there, and we went back to the library where I explained what was going on, and how the Elements of Harmony could be used to defeat Nightmare Moon. I had originally planned on going into the Everfree Forest myself to find the elements, but they insisted on following me. We reached the Princesses old castle, and eventually realized we could bear the Elements as we reawakened them. When we turned them against Nightmare Moon, the split personality was driven out by the conversion of our friendship into magical power, restoring Princess Luna to her original self but taking a large portion of her power in the process."
Oooh! Alicorn rolls off the tongue much better.
"New question, is it normal for powerful spellcasters to develop split personalities here?"
"Luna and I are the only beings with enough magical power to make that a legitimate concern," Celestia responded.
Twilight started talking again. Well, I suppose I did ask her.
"Afterwards, Celestia gave me a new assignment, to stay in Ponyville and send her a report on the things I learned about friendship each week. This week however, I couldn't find a problem that would let me learn anything about the topic. I was so afraid of how she would react, I lost my sense of right and wrong, and I tried anything and everything to find something to write about. That's why you're here. When she came to sort it out though, the parameters of the assignment were changed. My friends are now included in the assignment, but there is no time limit anymore."
That's why she destroyed my life? This unicorn warlock completely destroyed my life and took away my two most prized skills in one fell swoop, all for the sake of her academic standing! I can't code in this state! Good luck using techniques designed for bipeds as a pony! Because she’s apparently part of a living superweapon, she’s got a multiple personality disorder prone Greek deity on her side too! Also, did I seriously hear a pun about Arthurian lore being used as the name of a city?
I was so mad I could barely think straight. I definitely had another question, but I narrowly forced it back down because I didn't want to bring it up in front of Celestia. The room started to get incredibly cold before I noticed the ice crystals forming on me, and because I didn't have hands anymore, it wasn't like I could do that kata again to get my head on straight.
"What's happening to me!?" I screamed.
Twilight shot me with a blast of something, and despite the slightly painful knockback, the room returned to normal temperature.
"Thanks," I commented with a slight hint of deadpan.
I then filled them in on the events before I was summoned, putting special emphasis on the fact that I saw the bait for 6 days. An old fashioned quill and inkwell floated over to Twilight in purple auras matching her horn's glow. A sheet of parchment blinked out of thin air and began floating along with them. The quill started writing on its own as she began muttering to herself. Was she... doing the math? She became more and more unsettled as she went on, until the parchment finally blinked back out of existence.
Despite the fact I hate her guts right now, my respect for Twilight just went up significantly.
Celestia was the first one to say something:
"So that's the current time difference between our worlds," she said pensively before she continued.
"I did not sense you lying, which means we have done you a grave injustice. Have you figured out the current state of the timescale between our worlds?"
"Despite the fact I didn't have any paper, I was able to work out the conversions on my phone before the circle broke."
"Then you've already figured out that even if a spell was worked out that could banish you back to your home plane, there's a very good chance you wouldn't have a life to go back to. My student asked me about letting you stay in her storage room until a banishment spell could be worked out as a token of apology for forgetting to dismiss the spell before we started talking to you. Obviously, this idea no longer fits the situation."
You're absolutely right, so what are you going to do instead?
"That's why I'm changing the arrangement. You can still stay here with Twilight. That part of the arrangement is the same as my student's idea. The difference, is that we will not seek a way to return you to your world unless you request it. You can stay here and build yourself another life. Hosting you will account for her role in this travesty."
What about yours?
"I'm sorry this happened to you, and I intend to account for my own role in this too. You will receive a payment of 2000 bits once I return to Canterlot. Further, I will grant any request for rare books from the Canterlot archives you may have that I would also grant my student. Your species is incredibly fond of vengeance however, so this arrangement will only happen on one condition. Give up whatever right of vengeance you may perceive to exist relating to what happened."
I guess billing the taxpayer is you're only option eh Celestia? How much more farked up can this get?
"For the sake of curiosity, what happens if I decline these terms?"
She arched an eyebrow before responding:
"You'll find yourself in a dungeon until we can find and use a banishment spell to send you back to your home plane."
What could I say? She had me over a barrel, and she was extremely right about just how vengeful we can get.
"Princess Celestia, I accept your terms."
"Then I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Equestria."
Before she teleported away, she said something incredibly disturbing.
"A determined traveler once presented me with a work by a poet named Dante. I read it, and that poet came up with more sadistic and monstrous punishments than I could ever imagine. Equestria is not that savage. Though you may have gathered this from my student's story about the Elements, I still need to say it. There are things that are possible here that may leave you wishing for the ninth circle. Things Dante could never have imagined if it took him an eternity. If you ever find yourself plotting your vengeance in spite of this arrangement, keep that in mind before you attempt to execute it."
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Author's Note: When I thought about it, 5000 bits sounded extravagant and made little sense in the context of the situation.