Chapter Eleven
The Writing on the Wall
My scream echoed throughout the hotel suite.
And as I screamed, thoughts and feelings began creeping to the forefront of my mind, setting me ablaze in a whirlwind of emotions.
First, fragments of memories flashed through my brain one after the other. Names of places I’d forgotten; faces without a name to match with; fledgling ideas and dreams; secret fantasies; plans and schemes; names without faces to match with; silly foalhood assumptions.
Then those slowly ground to a halt, and emotions and feelings began inundating my mind. Happiness; lust; sadness; pride; anger; fear; anxiety; mirth; love; emptiness; courage.
I didn’t know what to make of the sudden flood of experiences. Things I hadn’t remembered in years came rushing back, dripping into my consciousness like rainwater. Emotions I kept tucked away, so as to not make myself vulnerable abruptly returned. Things I hadn’t wanted to remember thrust themselves into my head. All the pain I’ve felt throughout my life heaved itself directly into my heart.
And it hurt so much.
So, so much.
And it made me so very angry.
And the hotel room faded away into blackness as I became overwhelmed.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
As I faded back into consciousness, I found myself lying in a place altogether different than where I was before, wherever that was.
I was in an infinitely large grassy field that seemed to be devoid of any sort of life. All around me, a smoky haze hung in the air and seemed to twist and swirl the longer I looked at it. Any other discernible landmarks were obscured by the fog.
I sat up and peered out into the mist, straining to see anything that lay beyond. Dark shadows seemed to flit in and out of the edge of the fog, toeing the edge before vanishing once again into the depths. The swirls in the fog grew and shrunk as I watched, playing off of the shadows that lived inside them.
It was quiet. So quiet.
After a while, one black splotches seemed to grow larger and larger, growing closer to the edge, until I could begin to make out the ambiguous features of a pony. The other dark shadows darted into this one shadow which grew larger and darker with each passing second.
The vaguely pony shaped shadow grew closer, moving nearer than any of other had dared before, until it hovered right on the edge of the mist. The other shadows had all but now vanished into the larger one.
The shadow staggered out of the fog, revealing a haggard light blue unicorn clutching a small, unassuming brown box in his magical grip. Each step he took left bloody hoofprints in his wake. I watched as he slowly limped towards me, one of his back legs dragging uselessly on the ground, until he finally stopped in front of me.
The stallion stared at me with blood-shot, pupil-less eyes.
He blinked slowly and wordlessly held the box out to me, motioning for me to take it. I hesitantly removed it from his grasp and the barest hint of a smile graced his mouth, stretching the skin around his face taunt.
He stooped down and looked me dead in the eyes. A sudden chill passed through the entire area.
After a moment, he spoke in a gruff voice that reminded me of something from as long time ago. “Can you do me a favor, boy?” he asked, and then continued after I nodded, “Keep that there box safe for me. I’ve gots somewhere I needs to be, and I can’t exactly take it with me.” He chuckled. “I’ll be back soon for it though, ya hear? Pretty soon, in fact! But you gots to promise me not to open it. That’s very important, you understand, boy? Do not open my box. Can you do that for me?”
I nodded once again in confirmation and the stallion’s face stretched into a smile. He ruffled my mane with a bloodstained hoof, splattering my coat with red. The unicorn began to lope away, but called back over his shoulder, “Thanks a bunch, boy! I’ll be back for that box soon!” His voice began to fade as he receded into the mist. “I promise!”
The light blue unicorn vanished and I was left alone and even more confused than I was before.
The grassy field was quiet for a long time after the stallion left, and all that time I waited patiently for his return. Since his departure, the fog seemed to hug in ever closer, blanketing the area further in its grasp. There were times I could barely see a few inches in front of my face, and it was only the presence of the box that confirmed I wasn’t about to float away.
There was only one time the silence was broken; the world felt like it shattered in a roaring explosion of wind and sound that briefly pushed back the ever present fog. For a second I glimpsed the world that lay beyond my little field.
Beyond the mist was an immeasurable ocean that surrounded me on all sides. I was on an island.
And there was no sign of any other life. No other ponies. No light blue stallion.
But as suddenly as it parted, the fog rolled back in, covering the island once more, leaving me feeling all the more lonely.
All things were uneventful after that explosion, and I continued to wait for the light blue stallion’s eventual return. I knew he would come back. He had promised, after all. I knew he would come back and he would take his brown box and me and take us far away, off this grassy island.
And all that time, I never once peeked into his brown box. A promise for a promise.
And so I waited, alone, never finding an answer to anything that had happened since I woke.
And then I waited some more.
And the box waited with me.
It was what seemed like eons later that I finally realized that the stallion was never coming back. He had left me. He broke his promise and was never coming back for his box, or for me.
My tiny heart shattered as my faith in the only pony I’d met on my grassy field was lost.
It was then I glanced at the brown box that had been sitting vigilantly beside me for so long. It was a simple box: it had a bottom and four sides and on top was an equally simple lid.
It was then, after so much time, I felt the urge to know what was in that box.
Mustering up my nerves, I cracked open the lid a tiny fraction and was immediately greeted by an unearthly wail that pierced the silence I had grown so accustomed to. Some force inside the box erupted with the roar of an explosion that shook my field long ago. The lid flew off, deep into the mist and the box flipped many lengths away, coming to a rest on its side.
A steady stream of blood began to ooze out from the box’s opening, causing a veritable river of red to form on the grassy plain, flowing all the way out to the water’s edge. Screams of pain and death emanated from deep within the box, broken up only by dull thudding and acrid smell of magic whizzing though the air.
As I watched the box, a marred and bloody light blue hoof reached out from within the box and fought for purchase on the blood slick grass. Bit by bit, the body that the mangled hoof was attached to emerged from the box and slowly crawled out onto the field.
I managed to identify the pony as a stallion, though that was a hard task in itself. The stallion’s body was covered in uncountable cuts and bruises. Blood and pus seeped out from almost every part of his body and over half of his coat seemed to be burned away, leaving raw pink flesh behind in a stark contrast to the natural light blue color of his coat.
Still, he seemed not to notice me as he left the box. He clutched something to his chest and was struggling to only use one hoof to drag himself along. Slowly, the lower half of his body followed until I could clearly see the broken and mangled wings hanging limply from his sides.
This wasn’t the same stallion from before. He had been a unicorn, while this one was a pegasus. I had still been abandoned and left for trash.
The pegasus ceased to move only halfway out of the box, his injuries obviously proving too much. A violent cough racked his body and then he grew still. His eyelids fluttered closed and his entire body seemed to deflate.
I crawled over to him, wading through the river of blood pouring out from the box. Up close, the stallion looked even worse, the signs of his violent death even more evident. He was almost impossible to look at, he was in such bad condition.
I struggled to pull his arm away from his chest, to reveal whatever he had been holding, but his foreleg was frozen in rigor mortis. After a few minutes of pulling, I removed the pony’s hoof, revealing a small photo of a smiling pink mare and a small pink colt swaddled in cloth.
Suddenly, the entire scene receded into the distance, becoming a small pinprick of light.
I was left in pure blackness.
Alone, once more.
Then, the nothingness I was standing in was split by a shout that seemed to echo louder and louder into being. It lingered for a moment, but just as soon as it began, it abruptly cut out, leaving behind a bizarre cold that chilled me to my very bones.
I felt the hair stand up on the back of my neck, as if I was being watched. I twirled around and found only a small, plain white brick wall, only a few bricks in height. It seemed to me, that whatever was being built was still in progress.
Then the world fell away.
I can’t count on anypony’s promises. All they do is leave me. Everypony leaves. Can’t trust anything.
I blinked.
Father,
What did you leave behind for me?
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
I jolted into consciousness with a start, my eyes blinking lazily at my surroundings. For a moment, I was confused as to where I was, and there was a lingering thought that I had just been somewhere else. But as my vision slowly swam into focus, I dismissed those thoughts, because I knew I had never been anywhere but here.
I looked around for what seemed was the first time, but I knew for a fact was not. I was sitting at a desk in a room that seemed to stretch to the outer limits of my vision. All around me, all arranged into neat rows, were countless other desks as far as I could see.
These desks were occupied by faceless ponies, each identical and proper, just as they always were. Their coats were all a light blue color that almost seemed to blend into the distance. They sat at attention, their hooves neatly crossed on the desks in front of them, looking towards what I could only assume was the front of the room, which was bathed in a deep shadow.
It was all like I remembered. There had never been anything else but this room.
I shifted slightly in my seat, suddenly feeling uneasy about something I couldn’t place. I felt as though I should’ve been remembering something, something important, but the memory slipped through my hooves like grains of sand. No matter how I tried, that feeling of elusiveness never faded.
It was then that I noticed that all of the faceless ponies were staring at me. Every single one of them had turned their heads and were gazing straight at me. I tried to meet the stare of the pony next to me, but only held it for a minute before I had to look away. I stared down at my desk, unwilling to look at their empty faces.
For creatures with no eyes, they were remarkably good at staring.
A loud buzzing sound steadily filled the air as they watched me and I did my best to avoid their attentions. The buzz grew louder and louder with each passing second until it was all I could hear. I felt it creep into my other senses as well, causing my hooves to tremble and a darkness to creep over my eyes, obscuring my vision.
Then, against all expectations, the droning buzz grew even louder and what little of the room I could still see began to shake and vibrate. The volume of this noise was incredible, and it seemed as if the entire room, desks and ponies all began to melt in its intensity.
And yet the ponies continued to watch me.
I tried to scream, but I couldn’t even tell if I did. I don’t think I did. The buzzing had taken over everything, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the only noise my lungs could produce was that buzzing. It seeped into, me filling up my empty shell of a body, until it was all I could feel.
I wanted to stuff my hooves into my ears, but I couldn’t lift them. I couldn’t do anything but sit there and experience that insufferable sound. I struggled to keep my eyes open, even though there was little I could see anymore. My vision was fading away into black, and the last thing I saw was the light blue of the faceless pony in front of me.
Then the buzzing cut off with a loud click that reverberated around the room.
All of my senses flooded back as a small hiccup shot out of my throat. I gasped for air, pawing at my chest, as I realized I hadn’t been breathing. I hiccupped again and glanced around the room to see the state it was in after that noise, but found nothing amiss. The room, countless desks and their ponies all were unaffected by the buzz.
The faceless ponies had all snapped their attention back towards the front in a single, smooth motion the moment I looked at them, as if they were guilty of something. They kept their unwavering gaze towards the front and a reedy, sinister chuckle emanated around the room. I swear I could see those faceless ponies smile as a pair of sinister eyes peered out from the darkness in the front of the room.
I suddenly became aware of how pink I was compared to the light blue ponies.
The mystery of what those glowing eyes belonged to was quickly solved as a great, hulking, feathered, light blue monstrosity strode out from the shadows in the front. His leathery lips parted in a grin and I could see endless rows of teeth inside his mouth. The creature looked out over the rows of desks, his eyes burning with a fiery passion.
I felt the beast’s gaze linger on me as he looked about the room and the faceless ponies once more turned to look at me, as if singling me out. I felt them tell the feathered thing how different I was, that I didn’t belong. The monstrous beast’s grin split even wider as he heard their calls and stalked out into the rows of desks, heading directly for me.
As he neared my desk, the fiend drew out a large red and white hammer from somewhere inside his feathers and held it firmly in his talons. He took several more strides and finally reached my desk.
“Well, well. What do we have here?” The beast’s tinny voice boomed throughout the vast room. “How’d you get in here? You’re so… different compared to the others.” He stroked a talon over my head. “You shouldn’t have happened, lad. This is no place for you. Why are you here?” The beast twirled the hammer in his hands and looked at me expectantly. His voice reminded me of wind whistling through a canyon, though I suppose that was what it was, considering the multitude of teeth in his mouth.
I felt an overwhelming sense of dread as the monster continued to stare at me. I opened my mouth to respond to the beast, but no sound came out. I think the buzzing might have broken something. So I sat there, my mouth opening and closing like a fish, terrified at the way the situation was turning.
The beast’s sadistic smile widened as he realized my voice refused to work. I think he enjoyed the fear. He leaned in closer, until I could almost taste his foul breath. “So what is it, lad?” he asked, “Why are you so different?”
I blinked and couldn’t say a word.
“Ah, you’re not gonna talk?” The beast tapped his hammer on my desk, playing out a rhythm of four beats. “No worries. Pain is always a great motivator!” The feathered thing raised his hammer high and slammed it down into my left foreleg. My mouth opened in agony, but no sound came out. Blood splashed out in all directions, splattering the light blue ponies with a deep red.
“You see them!?” roared the beast, gesturing towards the faceless mass around us, “They are what you should be right now! The same! Uniform! Identical!” he growled, “I’ve beaten and molded each and every one of them into what you see here! And you somehow slipped through!” The hammer connected once more with my other foreleg and I was sure I heard a bone splinter in several places. A muffled sound filled the room and the faceless ponies’ heads began to jerk up and down.
I realized they were laughing.
I stole a look at my forelegs and immediately regretted that decision. My once immaculate pink legs were crushed and bloody and almost completely torn clean off. But regardless of their horrifying state, they did not hurt; it was more of a dull throbbing playing endlessly in my head. But despite that, the mere image of my pulpy forelegs was mentally scarring.
The beast smirked. “So you’re not gonna give up the ghost, lad? You’re not going to give up?” The faceless ponies abruptly stopped laughing, leaving the room deathly quiet. The light blue feathered thing continued. “Just let go, lad. It’s easier that way. Join the countless others like a good little pony!”
I tensed up at the fiend’s words. There was something deep inside of me that didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to join the faceless bulk that surrounded me. I wasn’t willing to be led like a lamb to the slaughter.
I was different.
And if different was wrong, then I would never be right.
I glowered at the beast in defiance of his will. I felt the dissatisfaction of the faceless ponies rise up like a cloud of heat, but refused to let it bother me. If they were going to try to pressure me into becoming the same, it wouldn’t work.
The buzzing sound started up again, though it didn’t seem to have the same damning effect as it had last time. It was quieter and more subdued as if its overwhelming power last time had broken it and left it weaker.
The beast scowled, grabbed ahold of my mane and yanked it backwards, nearly slamming my head into the pony behind me. “Just who do you think you are, you pink thing?! You’re a nopony! And you’ll grow up just like the other noponies!” He gestured towards the faceless ponies who all continued to watch the two of us with their eyes that weren’t there. He pressed the blood stained hammer to the underside of my throat menacingly. “I swear lad, if you make this choice, I’ll take great pleasure in making sure you regret it!”
He threw me to the floor, where I collapsed in a heap, unable to support myself with only half of my limbs left to me. The muffled laugh of the faceless ponies resumed as the light blue monster placed a heavy foot on my head, preventing me from getting up. The buzzing clicked higher.
The beast snarled and resumed talking in his distasteful, breezy voice. “You just don’t get it, do you, lad?! I will take your freedom and crush it like the parasite it is! I will take your hopes and your dreams and strip them bare! You don’t deserve to be different! You’re nothing special, and you never will be! What makes you better, huh?” He ground my face into the floor with his foot. “What makes you better than all these others?! What makes you better than me?!”
He smashed his hammer into my right backleg several times, until that too was destroyed. All the while, the light blue ponies around us continued in their droning laughter. The buzzing sound grew louder.
The beast jerked on my mane once again, pulling me completely off of the floor until I was hanging several feet in the air. “Give it up, pink pony!” he snarled, “Don’t fuck with me! I don’t know how or why you’re different, but it’s nothing I can’t beat out of you! I will win!”
He slammed me into a desk occupied by a faceless pony. Blood spurted everywhere as I heard my snout crack. In whatever part of my brain that hadn’t been overcome by an immense numbness, I felt some fear began to form in the depths of my body. I realized that he was really going to kill me. The beast yanked me back up off the desk and stared through my blood-stained eyes. Whatever he saw there seemed to please him.
The ponies continued to laugh.
The beast seemed to grow larger as he watched me squirm in his grasp. He chuckled and wiped my face clear of blood until my cold gray eyes met with his light blue ones. “Oh, I’m going to have fun breaking you, pink pony. I can see the seeds of fear already growing in your eyes. All I need is a little handhold, and I can make you wish you were never different!”
The buzzing continued to grow in volume. It was returning to its previous volume; somepony was obviously fixing whatever had broken it.
The creature chuckled his windy laugh again. “Oh yes, you’ll be the same as the others by the time I'm done with you, lad! That is,” he paused, “unless you want to give up now and join them?”
His tinny voice stung my already addled brain. I was throbbing. The places where my limbs once were prickled with an intensity that made it hard to think straight. I hurt all over. That iron will I had felt before to stay defiant was slowly fading away as the rest of my body grew number.
But I wanted to stay the same, despite the hurt. Didn’t want to lose myself. Didn’t want to be blue.
I slowly shook my head.
The beast’s face lit up and I could almost feel the joy radiating off of him. “Well then,” he snarled, “I suppose I’ll just have to hammer you into shape!”
He raised the hammer once more and the buzzing suddenly exploded in volume, once more condemning my physical and mental capacities.
The feathered thing said something, but I couldn’t hear it over the buzz. The hammer was mere inches from my face.
The last thought I had before he struck was one of doubt. Maybe the beast was right. Maybe I should join the ranks of faceless ponies. Was all this pain really worth it, just to stay different?
Then the hammer connected with the side of my head and the entire room shattered. The buzzing cut out.
I was left standing in a black void, utterly devoid of any sort of stimuli. The once densely populated room I had once been in had disappeared, and with it all of the aching throbbing I had come to associate with my injuries.
I tried taking a step forward, but couldn’t seem to get the message out to my legs. I looked down at my body should have been, but was greeted by nothing. I had no body to speak of, which was slightly unnerving, but explained why I didn’t feel anything.
I shuddered and glanced back upwards, hoping to find any sort of defining landmark to the blackness. Only, blackness that I had seen before wasn’t the first thing I saw.
As I looked back up, there was a stark white brick wall directly in front of me that certainly hadn’t been there before. Its bricks rose just barely above my reach, just barely blocking my view of the other side.
I looked behind me, and found that there was an equally tall wall there as well.
There was something about these two walls that seemed familiar to me, though I couldn’t seem to place it. All I knew was that they seemed uncompleted, like there were several more layers of brick to lay.
That was when the world spun out of focus.
I can’t let anypony know the real me. They’ll just take advantage and hurt me. Gotta keep my emotions hidden.
I screamed.
Teacher,
Leave them kids alone!
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
I awoke from my slumber suddenly, as if startled by some upstart noise. I quickly scoured my small, padded room for signs of any disturbances, but saw nothing of interest. Everything was as it had been for years.
My room was a sparse one. The padding that made up its walls were a sterile white and were as clean as they had been the day I first set sight on them, whenever that was. I would like to say I knew every detail of my room, but then I would be lying. There was a great deal of my small, white room that I had never been to and most likely never will. Those pads never had a chance to get dirty, because I had never set hoof on them before.
I was chained to one of the soft, padded walls. Four shackles attached to each of my legs, keeping me firmly pressed against the wall behind me, and several inches above the ground. Though it’s not like I knew any different; I’ve always been chained to this wall, as far as I could remember.
The only other object of interest in my room was the small, frosted window inlaid into the top of the wall directly across from me. Through that window were the faint silhouettes of ponies of all shapes and sizes walking to and fro. Faint murmurs of conversations sometimes trickled in from the outside. Never anything clear enough to make out, but I could definitely identify it as talking.
All of a sudden, the most peculiar feeling crept over me, casting a sense of unease throughout my body. I felt like I had forgotten something incredibly important. Something I shouldn’t have forgotten.
I concentrated for a moment, racking my brain for memories of anything significant, but turned up nothing. There was never anything worth remembering in my small room, so I doubt there was anything to forget. The feeling quickly faded away, leaving behind only a slight inkling that something was wrong.me to spend my day like the countless others.
I gazed through the window at the ponies walking past in their land of bright light, in an attempt to sooth my frayed nerves. There were so many of them outside, walking by my window, never once stopping and looking in, never once wondering what was inside that small window they passed by. It wasn’t fair that I would never get to meet any one of them.
I had never been in that world beyond the window, and I think I often dreamed of walking amongst the ponies outside. There were times I woke with faint recollections of walking in that land of light, living a life that wasn’t in this room. But that was just a dream.
Most of the time, I was content to just watch the ponies, fantasizing about one day possibly joining them. But there were days where I grew into a frenzy, chomping at the bit, furious at my confined predicament. Those days I would endeavor to break free of my bonds, struggling against the chains that held me to the wall and attempted to escape and join those ponies outside.
But I never could manage to break free.
I could already tell that today would be one of those days. I slowly felt the undeniable sense of anger and longing course through my body that led to that rage I so despised. It was only a matter of time before she appeared to check in on me. And just like all the other times, she would speak to me softly and calm my furious mind. She would help me regain my sense of calm.
I was lonely in my small room, but there was always her.
I felt the familiar rage begin to creep into my mind, poisoning me with its altering ways. I never wanted that shroud of anger to fall over me. I didn’t want to lapse into my anger again; it had always scared me. I was perfectly happy here, alone in my room, at peace with myself.
But however many times I told myself that, I never seemed to listen and would always fall deep into that pit of anger.
But… there was that entire world outside the window I’ve never seen! An entire life I’ve never experienced. And I was kept prisoner in this room, away from it all! Why would I want to stay in here!? Fuck this room! I wished I was free to mingle in that land of light with the other countless ponies.
I pulled my shackles taunt, straining to break the reinforced metal, but to no avail; they were very strong. I gave the chains some slack, gritted my teeth and jerked my forelegs forward again. The cuffs dug into my tender skin and moments later, a deep red began blossomed over my pink fur. I quieted the yelp of pain that rose to the top of my throat.
Drops of red stained the white padded floor below me.
I writhed and thrashed against my bonds for several more minutes, making my way through the pain, until I realized that nothing was working and stopped struggling. I was trapped. Just like always.
I sighed and let my forelegs fall limply to my sides. It was no use. However much I tried, I would never manage to escape. All of the numerous times I’ve tried to escape before has proved fruitless, so why should now be any different? I gave one last, half-hearted tug at my chains and cried out in frustration.
But I wanted to get out. I didn’t like in here. It was so small, so confined. I needed to be free so I could soar. I needed to live. I hated it in here. How could I ever have thought that this room was good for me?
I shouted once again, louder this time, hoping that maybe one of the countless ponies walking by outside would hear and stop and help me escape my prison.
But not a single one of them did. The ponies outside the window continued walking by, unabated.
There was no way they couldn’t have heard me shout for their help. All that separated my room and their world of light was a single, small pane of glass. I could hear their faint whisperings and discussions, even now, when they weren’t trying to be heard. But I, in all my frustration and anger could not make them hear me.
I yelled once more at the window and futilely reattempted to loosen myself from the wall. I banged my hooves against the wall, but only heard an unsatisfying dull thump as they hit the cushions.
Several more drops of blood tarnished the floor.
Just then, a large, light blue earth pony mare stepped right through those blood spots on the pads in front of me, as if there wasn’t a floor there at all. For a moment, the entire room was enveloped in harsh white light and I thought I could glimpse something in the distance. Then the flash of light faded, and the mare was standing in the middle of the room, a practiced, calculated smile upon her face.
This was the same mare who always came to calm me down whenever I had one of my turns. The same mare who kept me captive here. She always appeared whenever something happened, as if she was always watching me.
I’d lost track of how many times she’d had to come see me over the years. The memories of her visits, like the days and weeks, always seemed to blur together. Even the specifics of her visits always seemed to escape me.
However, the one thing I always recalled was the porcelain smile she always wore.
As the mare approached my limp and spent body, her face seemed to stretch unrealistically as her cold grin widened further. She trotted beside me and began to caress my mane, muttering something unintelligible to herself. Her hoof felt cold and clammy against my head, as if she wasn’t completely alive. It felt surreal and alien to my senses.
I tried to yell again, hoping that any one of the ponies outside would save me from this vile mare and the prison she held me in, but before I could, the mare held a hoof to my mouth, silencing me.
“Shh… Shh… There there…” she cooed softly, “Everything’s okay… Stop struggling, sunshine.” Her whispers floated in one of my ears and out the other, barely registering. I didn’t want to hear this mare and her words. I didn’t want to hear her web of lies.
But I heard them anyway.
Her unwavering smile faltered for a moment as she noticed my bleeding wrists, but then it flashed back in an instant. “Oh dear… Oh, you’ve gone and hurt yourself again, poor boy.” She sighed. “Now we have to clean you up, as well as squash your silly notions of escape.”
Her words were soft and calm as she fussed over me, but they only proved to provoke my temper once more. My anger, which had been merely simmering before, exploded at her nonchalant tone. How dare she be so cool and indifferent about everything!
I reached forward as far as my chains would permit, struggling to hurt, to strangle, the mare who was so blasé about my imprisonment.
But she was just a few inches out of my grasp. My hooves slid back down to their normal positions.
A look of disappointment crossed her face momentarily, as if saddened by my display of anger. She stared past me, at the padded wall, seemingly lost in thought. When she began speaking again, several seconds later, her voice was heavy with regret. “I know you’re angry, sunshine… And you have every right to be so…”
I cocked my head to the side in confusion. This was… different. All the times she had come before, she had never said anything even remotely like that. She had never taken up sides with me before.
Or had she? My memories of the past were so muddled and fuzzy that I could barely separate the days nothing had happened from each other, let alone the days when my mind had been overtaken by rage.
The light blue earth pony spun away from me and gazed out of the window. “I can let you leave, you know.” Her head slowly dipped down to the floor, unwilling to even watch the ponies outside. “That world beyond the window you so desire is a dangerous place. Those ponies you see crossing each and every day, back and forth, across the window like well-oiled clockwork? They don’t care about you.” The mare walked back over to me, but she still couldn’t meet my questioning gaze; she kept her eyes glued to the floor. “Not like I do, sunshine. They’ll trample you underhoof without a second thought.”
She crept closer to me and planted a tender kiss on my cheek. My eyelids fluttered at the unwanted contact and she seemed to take that as a cue to continue. “I’m keeping you here for your own good, sunshine.” Her perfect smile began again. “I’m keeping you where I can keep an eye on you and make sure nothing bad ever happens to you.”
I felt the temper that had filled my body just moments before slowly subsiding. Coldness washed over my entire body, relaxing the previously tense muscles and frayed nerves.
If this mare was to be believed, and there wasn’t a reason to doubt her, then maybe the world outside wasn’t all I pictured it to be. If that world outside the window was really so cruel, so terrifying, was my padded room really all that bad?
The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that the mare was telling the truth. Something about her made her seem trustworthy.
Maybe it was her calm, almost loving smile. I could see the concern in her eyes now. Concern for me. True love and care, unlike what apparently waited for me outside…
As I visibly relaxed, the light blue mare’s practiced smile grew even wider. I could see all of her teeth as she spoke again. “Yes, that’s right. Beyond that window is a world filled with filth and sins that would corrupt your young heart. I couldn’t bear if something happened to you out there.” She ran her damp hoof through my mane again. “That’s why I keep you in here. This room is safe. Nothing can hurt you in here…”
I nodded slightly, seeing the truth in her words. Of course she was right. She was always right.
As the last vestiges of anger left me, my body went limp and a soft sigh escaped my lips. The mare was still wearing her large, porcelain smile.
I don’t know what it was about the mare and her words that calmed me, but whatever it was, it was lovely. There was something about her that exuded honesty, something my previously rage filled self failed to see. But now I believed her words and the truth her smile seemed to whisper to me.
Why had I ever wanted to leave my room? These four walls were all I’ve ever known. If I had escaped and gotten out into that world beyond the window, it would practically be a death sentence. I recognized that now. I wouldn’t know how to survive, and if the ponies outside were as truly despicable as the mare painted them to be, then I’m sure they wouldn’t hesitate to kill me outright.
No, I didn’t want to leave. I want to stay safe. I trusted this light blue mare with my life, and she obviously cared greatly for me.
I smiled and the mare smiled right back at me.
“Yes… there you go, sunshine,” she cooed, “I’ll keep you safe forever… You can trust me, can’t you?” I nodded again, more vigorously this time. “Now, let’s clean up those bloody wrists of yours, hmm?”
She suddenly pressed a wet cloth to my red stained fur, dabbing at the raw skin when the shackles had worn through. I winced and jerked back from her touch, but the smile never left her face. “Come on, sunshine. You can trust me…”
With those words, her white, pupil-less eyes faded into a deep black and for a moment. My body felt as if it was being drawn into those dark pits. The blackness seemed to suck what little color remained from the room, leaving color from the room, what little of it there was. I felt myself growing cold and the murmurs from outside the window grew quieter and quieter.
And all the while I was transfixed by her eyes, the mare’s smile never wavered.
The room faded further away into obscurity as my captor wiped a second time at my injured hooves. The blackness in her eyes seemed to grow as the moments passed, until it nearly overtook her face.
I tried to ask her what was happening, but my mouth didn’t seem to work.
The whispers from outside the window grew silent for the first time that day.
The mare fussed over my coat once again and the room grew dimmer with each passing second. “There,” echoed the mare’s voice in my ears, “That wasn’t so bad was it?”
The last thing I saw before the blackness in her eyes overtook me was that small, practiced smile of hers.
Then, everything was gone.
“I won’t hurt you, sunshine.” Her words echoed around the empty black void I found myself in, filling my head with a sense of security that didn’t seem to want to disperse. Despite my current situation, amidst this featureless void, I felt safe and secure.
I took a look around the empty space, taking in what wasn’t there. The room, chains, window and light blue mare had all disappeared and left me alone for the first time I could remember. The one thing that remained was the coldness that always permeated my room.
Time passed, I think…
I stood in that black place for a while, without as much as a clue what to do now. After what could have been an eternity, but just as well have been a few seconds, I decided to do something. I hesitantly attempted to take a step forward, but was interrupted mid-step by a clattering noise from behind me. The only sound I’ve heard since I first found myself in this void.
I turned around and was greeted by a large and clean white brick wall that towered high above me, stretching several stories into the black dimness.
I took a staggered step forwards and cautiously approached this wall. It seemed to hum with some sort of warm, indescribable energy. The closer I got to it, the more the coldness in the air receded and was replaced by calmness and love. I stopped a few inches from it, slightly taken aback by the amount of heat emanating from the wall.
I hesitantly pressed a hoof to one of its bricks, but instead of the warmness emanating from the wall, its bricks were as cold as ice. A jolt of fear unlike any I’ve known before jammed its way inside my body, turning my insides to mush.
I jerked away, but still felt the brick’s terrifying effects. My heart pounding in my chest, I turned away from the wall to gaze out over the empty void, but instead of the blackness I expected, I found only white. The white swam in my vision briefly, but before long, I could start to make out clear cut bricks, much like the wall behind me.
I glanced behind me to reassure myself the previous wall still existed before looking back at the newer, second one. The two walls both loomed reassuringly above my head. The warmness in the emptiness doubled.
I turned my head to my right and found yet another massive wall there as well, identical to the previous ones. The warmness expounded once again, raising the temperature to almost unbearable levels. Unbearable levels of love and warmth.
Sweat began to form on my body, matting my fur and I glanced to my left, but found only the cold, bleak vastness that seemed to have no end. That bitter loneliness that was so outlandish compared to the warmth the three walls gave off.
I was surrounded on only three sides by these walls, as if the fourth was still waiting to be started, not yet complete. The temperature spiked again, and my coat felt as if it caught on fire.
But before anything could happen, the world faded away.
The world is full of filth. Can’t let anything hurt me. Have to stay clean and healthy.
I shuddered.
Mother,
Did it need to be so high?
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
When I opened my eyes, I was in an empty room that was there, yet at the same time, was somewhere else entirely. The white walls that made up the room were thin and membrane-like, and pulsated and bulged sporadically. After a few seconds of watching, I had to close my eyes. I couldn’t look at the walls for more than a few seconds at best before a dull thudding began in the back of my skull, like a procession of drums beating out an endless rhythm.
It was cold as well. So very cold.
I waited out the throbbing with my eyes closed. It was strange, despite the sickening movement of the walls and the intense cold, I felt very at ease, something I think I haven’t felt in a long time. I cracked open my eyes again and peered at the room for a second time. Nothing had changed; the walls still were twisting and churning, but I found them much less nauseating to watch.
As I finally took in the room without a pounding headache, a new feeling abruptly overtook me. A penetrating sense of dread flooded through the pit of my stomach, as if I was forgetting something incredibly important, something that I should have remembered. But as I turned my mind to the past, I found a terrifying emptiness where there should have been my memories.
I couldn’t remember anything past a few minutes ago.
Had there even been anything past a few minutes ago?
…
Where had I been before I found myself in this room?
Where was I before?
There was a different room that flashed fleetingly in my head…
But…
Where was it…?
Where was…?
Where…?
…
…
I was here now, wasn’t I? I’ve always been here.
There wasn’t anything before these meandering walls.
…
…
What had I been thinking of again?
…
…
…
I’ve always been here. I’ve been in this small, pulsating room for…
…
A long time, wasn’t it?
I wasn’t sure. Time seemed to stretch indefinitely in this twisting, churning room. I couldn’t tell how long I’d been within these thin walls.
Had it been minutes?
…
Days?
…
Hours?
…
Years?
…
…
…
…Minutes?
…
…Days…?
…
Hadn’t I just gotten here?
It was so cold here.
So cold…
…
Wait… How long have I been here?
I’ve been here a long time, haven’t I?
It has been so cold.
The white walls pulsated.
I’ve been here forever, I realized. I’ve sat in this white room for as long as I could recall, gazing at naught and nothing of any sort of interest has happened. There was nothing before this. There has only been here, and everything I’ve ever known, I’ve learned from this room, because that’s all there ever has been.
It was then I could hear faint whispers of voices and sounds began to trickle in through the walls. The whispers crept in through the thin walls, snaking about the room like wisps of fog.
The tendrils of smoke grew thicker with each passing second and began to collect and swirl around me like sentient beings. I could almost reach out and touch one, but each time I did, they always seemed to move out of the way of my hoof.
The whispers drifted closer and began to coil around my head, speaking to me, filling me with thoughts and feelings that had never belonged to me. The wisps of thought spoke of a world, far away from my little, cold, pulsing room, filled with shapes, colors and sights I had never even imagined before.
They spoke of a bizarre almost-white-but-not-quite creature that walked on four legs and had what they called a tail and eyes, among other things. The thoughts informed me that the creature was something called a ‘pony’ and its color was something called a ‘pink.’
These new things were alien to me. They scared me but filled me with such unimaginable curiosity, that I could not look away from the whisper’s vision and a ‘pink’ and a ‘pony.’
But the thoughts seemed to think I should have known what those new objects were, but hadn’t a clue. I had never heard of a pink or a pony before, let alone seen one. There had only been my room, the color white and myself.
The visions suddenly flashed rapidly, changing through many strange things-that-were-not-white and occasionally other pink objects and figures. The whispers instructed me on every scene they threw at me, informing me on various colors, places and creatures.
I felt a strange and unfamiliar twinge in my chest as I watched, as if something there suddenly froze up and was slowly spreading to the rest of my body. It was a new sensation, this twinge that I felt, but the thoughts quickly whispered a word they called the ‘fear’ in my head.
I hadn’t known this fear before. There was never a reason to be afraid before.
The life that the tendrils seemed intent on showing me caused a strange, prickly feeling in my head that the smoke informed me was the ‘confusion.’ Scenes of a life I’d never lived and fantastical places that weren’t my white room danced in front of my vision, bringing on this confusion heavier and heavier each second.
The current scene I was seeing was of a pink and a pony and an object the thoughts told me was a ‘guitar.’ There was a pink, but the pony had what I was told was its ‘hooves’ on the guitar, moving up and down rhythmically. I felt a lump build up in my throat at the sight and the whispers told me it was the ‘nausea.’
These visions and explanations went on for millennia, until the walls of my room wore thinner than they were ever before. Finally, the thoughts trickled to a halt and filled my mind with a single word. The second word the whispers taught me.
Pink.
The whispers then showed the pony creature from before, once more flashing the word ‘pink’ in my mind.
I felt myself floundering about in my second bout of confusion. Hadn’t the color that-wasn’t-quite-white been pink? And hadn’t that four legged beast been a pony? They couldn’t have been the same thing. Surely the tendrils must be mistaken.
The whispers must have felt my newfound confusion because the word and picture flashed once again, stronger this time.
Pink and the pony.
I felt something from the thoughts, something that they informed me was ‘disapproval.’ It didn’t feel too good. My mind prickled the further I sunk into confusion, an affect expounded by the disapproval flowing freely from the tendrils.
The picture and word flashed once again.
Pink and the pony.
The same feeling of disapproval.
Pink… and the pony?
Disapproval.
Pink and... a pony?
Disapproval.
Pink… the pony?
The feeling of disapproval I had been plagued with suddenly swung upwards to something much lighter, which the thoughts informed me was an ‘approval.’ The image and word flashed once more.
Pink the pony.
The pony and its name hung in my mind for a moment before finally sinking in. The synapses in my brain felt like they snapped as the memories I had just been shown started to flood back.
Wasn’t I a pink pony once?
I felt approval flow from the whispers.
My name was Pink.
Pinkerton the pink pony.
Pink.
Pink.
Pink.
The name rolled through my mind with ease and I wondered how I had ever forgotten it.
Pink.
The tendrils of whispers disappeared in a wave of approval, sinking back into the thin walls and left me alone in the quiet room.
I had forgotten everything. My name, my body, my life, all stripped from my mind. I lost everything to these pulsating walls, only to gain it all back sometime later. What happened to me?
For the first time, I actually looked up at the little, white, cold, pulsating room I was in, but for a moment all I saw was an endless blackness that abruptly shrunk into a pinprick on the horizon. The point of black hung in the distance for a few seconds before flashing and revealing the same room I remembered from before.
Only this time, there was a small difference from the sparse room from moments prior. This time there was an equine shadow without a body to cast it gliding along the walls of the room, slowly encircling me like a predator stalking its prey. It slowed to a halt once it had completed several rounds and turned to face me.
The shadow wavered and bulged outwards and bit by bit, it began to remove itself from the wall. First a light blue hoof tentatively stepped out of the black shadow. Then another cautiously felt its way out, soon to be followed by a mare’s head adorned with a unicorn horn. And soon an entire torso followed suit of the previous body parts and seeped out from the wall.
The light blue unicorn mare removed the rest of her body from her shadow and smoothed down a few wayward hairs on her coat. She glanced around the area, seemingly enchanted by the flashing, pulsing walls before finally noticing me. A smirk that could only be described as evil spread over her face and she sauntered over to where I was sitting in the center of the floor.
A look of pure disgust and loathing crossed her face as she neared me. The dim light of the room seemed to play off her body as the gap between the two of us closed. Her body sparkled and wavered in an almost hallucinogenic way.
Her sudden entrance and her almost mystical appearance made me wonder if she was really there at all, or a product of my mind or of the room. I curiously reached a hoof out towards the unicorn, hoping to see whether or not she was tangible, only to have her viciously slap my hoof away, growling at me in the process.
She was definitely real. Most illusions don’t hurt.
The mare’s threatening glower was interrupted by a low warbling sound from the wall behind her. She glanced behind her, towards the rippling walls and smiled as another shadow made its way across the wall.
This new shadow was distinctly male shaped, but was significantly more hesitant leaving the churning walls than the female was. After much indecision, he finally managed to oust his body from his shadow, revealing a sturdy, light blue earth pony stallion.
The walls jerked one last time and stopped moving.
The stallion seemed much more disoriented than the mare was and clutched his head with a pained gasp immediately. He staggered forward, nearly tripping his own hooves, his eyes clenched tight in pain. His breaths were ragged and loud and he didn’t move for several minutes.
The mare looked on in mild interest, never once moving to help the stallion.
Eventually, the stallion straightened up and looked about the room. A wide smile split his face when he laid eyes on the mare, who suddenly seemed equally joyous to see him. The stallion galloped across the room towards the mare and threw his forelegs around her, embracing her in a passionate hug.
I felt a cold twinge deep in my chest as I watched the two of them. That chill slowly crept through the rest of my body, until my forelimbs began to shake. I felt furious watching the mare and the stallion hug. The only problem was, I didn’t know why I was angry. I could remember everything I’d forgotten about my life, but why the sight of those two ponies together angered me, I had no idea.
As I was assessing these unanticipated feelings, the two light blue ponies finished their greetings and now turned their attentions towards me, staring at me down their snouts, an almost identical sneer plastered on both of their faces. The mare caught my glance and shifted her gaze towards the stallion. “Look at this pathetic, wretched excuse for a pony.” she scoffed, gesturing at me. “Disgusting, isn’t he?”
The stallion nodded earnestly in agreement and spoke with an air of superiority. “Indeed he is.” The stallion dipped his head closer to mine and his hot breath fogged in the frigid air. “It’s a wonder his mother even loved him!” He chuckled. “And now you’re oh so alone, aren’t you, Pink?”
The light blue mare laughed and wrapped a forearm around the stallion, hanging loosely from his shoulders. She tenderly stroked my jawline with her free hoof, and temporarily, I felt just a little warmth seep back into my icy bones. For a moment, that tense ball of anger in the pit of my stomach felt all that more relaxed.
But then the unicorn snarled and whacked my head to the side in one violent motion and smiled that frigid little smile of hers. The ice crept back into my bones, I couldn’t move an inch anymore, and that ball in my stomach curled tighter than ever before.
“We don’t need you anymore, you bastard!” she shouted at me and slapped me again. “I don’t need you! In fact, I’ve never needed you! I’ve moved on to bigger and better things!” As if to prove her point, she leaned in a planted a sloppy, wet kiss on the light blue stallion’s mouth. “I’m better off without you!” she giggled with just a hint of venom in her voice.
The stallion whispered something in her ear and she glanced at me inquisitively. After a moment, she began to giggle and nodded enthusiastically, trying to unsuccessfully to stifle her laugh. The stallion began to chuckle as well, and soon the two of them began to laugh uncontrollably, tittering like schoolfoals over their unknown joke.
I looked at the floor, unwilling to watch the pair of them.
After their bout of laughter had died down, the mare continued. “It’s true, you know, Pink. Oh, I know you thought we were in love. Ha! I’ve used you since the day we’ve met, leading you on, and you’ve unknowingly played your part masterfully!”
Her hoof connected with the side of my face a second time, eliciting a burst of laughter from the two of them. “I always hated you, Pink!” She yanked my head backwards by my mane, forcing me to meet her gaze. “You were always a disgusting, fucking piece of shit! You don’t deserve anypony, let alone me!”
The light blue unicorn scoffed and threw me back down to the floor. “I don’t know how you can live with yourself, Pink. Nopony loves you and nopony ever will! You will die alone, cold and, with a bit of luck, in a lot of pain. It’s what you deserve!”
The mare stomped me hard in the ribs as she growled her last words. I heard something crack and my body twitched as immense pain shot up my sides. Tears sprung to my eyes as I clutched wildly at my shattered ribs.
The coldness I had felt before was replaced by a warm, sticky feeling that was slowly worming its way from my abdomen.
She trampled my side again, producing another sharp crack and another shot of pain through my body. She kicked out again in the same spot, but this time there was a wet thump and an even greater jolt of pain. When she drew her hoof back, it was coated in red.
The two ponies stood above me and laughed and laughed…and laughed and…and laughed and laughed and laughed and…laughed and laughed and laughed…and…and…laughed…laughed and…laughed and…laughed…… laughed……….
After a while, I couldn’t hear them anymore.
And then there was blackness.
…
…
I managed to crack open my eyes what felt like a moment later and the darkness dispersed. I was met with the same room I was in and the same two ponies that had dispelled what comfort I had before. They had both stopped laughing.
I blinked a few times as my eyes adjusted to the light of my room. The mare was saying something to the stallion. Their conversation was muffled, like I was listening with cotton stuffed in my ears, despite being just a few feet away.
The mare’s hooves were a dark red color.
The air was cold again, and the side of my body felt sticky and numb. There was a reddish-brownish sort of stain on the floor in front of me that matched the mare’s hooves that wasn’t there before. I briefly wondered why the ponies painted the ground before pain rushed up from my shattered ribs and I remembered the cause of the discoloration. I groaned, though I couldn’t hear it, and unsteadily sat up, ignoring the throbbing in my side.
The mare noticed me first and pointed me out to the stallion. Both trotted back over, and I began to hear snippets of their voices clearer as my ears became unstuffed.
“Oh, look wh……wake. Have a fu…….ittle rest there, did you? …uld have hated if I…..killed you.” said one of them. I couldn’t tell exactly who the voice belonged to yet. They started saying something else, but it was too soft to hear properly. They began laughing again, and my hearing finally faded back into use.
“Oh, did you know,” said the mare to the stallion in between fits of laughter, “That all the time me and that bastard Pink were together, I was never faithful to him?”
“Really?” the stallion guffawed.
The mare smirked. “Oh yes. I was having affairs left and right! And little, idiot Pink here never suspected a thing, even when I practically flaunted it in his face! Pathetic isn’t he?” The stallion bobbed his head up and down, unable to speak properly through his laughs. The mare continued, “Oh, but you. You’re a thousand times the stallion that sniveling Pink was.” Her tail wrapped around the stallion’s and she smiled playfully. “Especially in bed…”
I felt that ball in my stomach twist even tighter, again feeling jealous for reasons unknown.
Time seemed to stand still for a moment as the mare stared at the stallion, a toothy, predatory grin on her face. Then, with a passionate roar, the unicorn practically leapt on top of the stallion in a sudden bout of lust and pressed her mouth to his. The stallion fumbled for a moment, obviously surprised, but quickly recovered, returning the mare’s affections with equal ferocity.
What seemed like hours later, the two of them broke apart, gasping for breath. The mare cast an arrogant look in my direction, obviously enjoying the discomfort and pain their love was causing me. Then she went down again and the pair rapidly degraded into a tangle of limbs and fervent moaning.
Her attempt to rile me succeeded, though as to why I had no clue. My chest seemed to burn as I watched the two of them, but I couldn’t turn my head away. I was stuck watching, feeling the pain of jealousy race through me, adding insult to my already injured body.
One of my forelegs brushed against my busted ribs, causing my body to jerk in pain. My legs flailed out, nearly throwing me off-balance, but not quite. I gritted my teeth, preventing any shout of pain to escape my lips and laid against the floor on my uninjured side.
As I watched, the two light blue ponies, still locked in their passionate embrace, slowly stretched and melted together into a single, sinuous blob. It became hard to tell where the mare ended and the stallion began. Hooves fused together and tails entwined around each other as time went on, until there was nothing left of the unicorn and earth pony.
In their place was a gigantic, slender light blue creature. The worm, for that was what it most resembled, rose up high above the ceiling of my room, and looked at me from its lofty position. I don’t know how I knew it was watching me, without any eyes on its head, but I could feel its gaze piercing through me. The worm’s bottom coiled and uncoiled around itself several times, sliding across the floor with a sickening moist sound.
The head of the worm leaned down to my level and stared at me with its intense, eye-less gaze. My eyes were locked on its face, completely unable to look away. The worm moved forward even closer, until it was mere inches away from my snout. I gulped and scooted back a bit, trying not to inflame my broken ribs again. The worm responded in kind and moved with me, copying every inch I moved backwards with a slither forward.
It brought its head in even closer and gently nudged the top of my head, as if inquisitive about what I was. The moment the thing touched my skin, though, it reared back as if in pain, and flailed around sporadically. A high pitch squeal echoed around the room.
The worm wiggled and squirmed a bit, unable to control its movements, before suddenly bulging outwards. Dozens of identical swells cropped up all over its body and began to pulsate.
All of the walls that made up the room followed suit.
After a moment, one of the bulges burst in a burst of pink and the rest followed seconds after. The light blue worm exploded into millions of smaller, pink creatures, all perfectly indistinguishable from the next. My mind barely had the time to register the things as pink, normal sized worms before they all began inching their way towards me.
The squealing had stopped with the light blue monstrosity’s death.
I backed away from the horde of worms as best I could with a broken rib, but they were quickly covering the distance between us, regardless. I dragged myself away from the pink mass that now covered well over half of the room, until I could go no farther. I huddled, defenseless, in the last open corner of the room as the worms slowly advanced towards me.
Briefly, a memory rose to the forefront of my mind. It was of a day, countless years ago when I was very young. Mother and I had gone to the park to have a nice, quiet stroll. The colors stuck out the most in the memory. It had been fall, and all of the leaves were red, orange, yellow, and all sorts of other colors. The air was crisp and cool, the kind of weather that was just perfect. I always liked autumn.
Mother had stopped to smell some flowers on the side of the path and I had gotten bored and wandered further down the walkway. I trotted for a few moments before stopping and looking behind me at Mother, assuring myself that she was still there.
I don’t remember how it happened, but when I looked forward again, I was surrounded by a thick crowd of ponies. They circled around me, shutting me out from Mother and the outside world. It was nearly suffocating and I was much too little to push my way out.
After being shoved back and forth repeatedly by the unobservant crowd, I collapsed onto the floor, curling into a ball, hoping that I wouldn’t get trampled over. I began to cry. It was a sort of quiet, little whimper that shouldn’t have attracted much attention.
I was so scared and so very alone.
But then, a pair of hooves wrapped around me, lifting me up off of the dirty sidewalk. I cracked open my tear-stained eyes to see a pegasus stallion with a blue coat gripping me tightly in one of his forearms. I remembered his smile of reassurance as he led me from the crowd and back to my mother, who was beside herself in worry.
As he hoofed me over to her, I realized with a start that my savior looked like the stallion that was always in pictures with Mother. It was only later that I realized that that stallion in those photos was my father. I think Mother saw her husband in that pegasus’ face, because she gaped blankly at the stallion for a few moments before stammering out a thank you for finding me.
The stallion smiled again and waved off the deed, assuring us it wasn’t a big deal. Mother thanked him again, and the stallion turned to leave. I think Mother wanted to say something else, but couldn’t find the words.
As the blue pegasus trotted away back into the crowd of ponies, I caught a glimpse of his cutie mark. It wasn’t the same as my father’s.
Mother never saw his cutie mark, and I don’t think she ever gave up hope that that mysterious stallion was Father until many years later.
Then, the worms swarmed my body in seconds, covering every inch of pink fur with their writhing mass. My head swiftly came next, followed soon by my tail. Soon, I was covered head to hoof in a soft, pink cast of worms.
Then they each bit down on my skin with tiny, needling jaws. One bite would have been a minor inconvenience, but multiplied by a million felt like a raging fire all over my body. A million hungry mouths on every available piece of skin on my body.
I opened my mouth to scream, only to have the worms crowd into my throat, choking back my shout before it could begin.
I felt them squirm their way inside my body, coating and suckling on all open space. They clamped down on my stomach, lungs and even heart. I could feel each part of my body grow progressively slower as the worms drained all of my organs. I didn’t even have to time to think about the situation. Only the pain coursing through my body.
I felt them make their way up my spine, momentarily pushing each vertebra out of place as they inched along. They flocked their way up towards my head, which was the last organ left untouched, despite it being closest to their point of entrance.
Moments later, I felt the first pinch in my head and knew immediately they had made their way into my brain. One by one, I felt them grab hold and suckle on my life.
I felt parts of my mind go dark as the worms did their work. Bits and pieces of synapses bloomed and dimmed in seconds as the worms squirmed their way deeper into my gray matter. Memories that I had just remembered with the help of the whispers from before were wiped away in a flash.
It was only going to be moments before the worms ate their fill and made every bit of me blank and empty.
In one of my last seconds, I managed to force one of my eyes open, despite the worms covering my face and found myself looking at blackness. My little, white, cold room was no longer there. Gone were the pink, wriggling bulk of worms that were just there seconds prior. My ribs were clean and whole, and all of my insides seemed to be moving just as fast as they should be.
I took a deep breath and took a better look at this blackness I found myself in.
It didn’t take long to find out that there was nothing in this dark void. I was completely alone.
I had the distinct feeling I had encountered this situation before.
It was then I realized I was mistaken and that there wasn’t blackness in front of me. What was there was a large, imposing a white brick wall looming out of the dark.
My eyes followed the wall upward, but strained to see the top of it. It seemed to stretch up into the very heavens.
I glimpsed a flash of white from the corner of my eye, and I turned to my left to see another impossibly tall wall there as well. It appeared from the blackness much like the first one had, in stark contrast to the rest of the landscape.
These walls felt completed.
I approached the second wall, now even more curious as to their origin than before. There was something about the walls that seemed strangely attractive, compelling even.
I reached out a hoof to touch one of the bricks, but stopped halfway, a feeling of unease prickling the back of my neck. I glanced behind me, and found a third wall had appeared there as well.
My head swiveled to the left, to the only remaining spot a wall hadn’t appeared yet, but found none of the black vastness I first encountered. In its place was a fourth, identical wall.
Four white walls.
One pink pony.
I finally pressed my hoof to the wall in front of me and a soft melody drifted through my head. The wall was singing! I closed my eyes and pressed my other foreleg to the wall, and the tempo spiked upwards, becoming a faster paced beat. Intrigued, I rested my head against the bricks, hoping something else would happen.
The song exploded into a cacophony of noise and vibrations that shook my entire body. I jerked away and lurched into the center of the four walls. But even then, the song was still playing.
I became aware of how warm it was suddenly becoming.
The wall’s music slowed to a halt, leaving the space deathly quiet, except for the ringing still rattling around in my head. I folded my ears to my head with my hooves, trying to block out the insufferable noise that the walls passed into me.
But eventually, that too faded into silence, leaving me surrounded by four, enormous walls. My mind turned to them. Why did they sing? What was their purpose? Was it to keep that cold blackness out from this corner of the void?
Or was it to keep this corner of the void separate from everything else?
I knew I was entrapped by the walls, and yet I felt very comfortable in there. It was as if they exuded some sense of trustworthiness, like they were always there for me throughout my life. It was if they were very close friends from sometime in my past.
I couldn’t remember, though…
Something was…
I felt…
Pink…
But then the world snapped and split.
The beautiful things always end up hurting the most. And life has been the most beautiful of all. Can’t trust beautiful. Got to get them first.
I cried.
Rêves,
Don’t leave me now…
…
…
…
…
I saw a faint pinprick of white light in the distance.
…
…
~-~-~-~-~-~-~
My scream echoed throughout the hotel suite.
As I faded back into consciousness, the thoughts and feelings associated with each of my bricks pressed down on me, suffocating me until I was sure I would die.
There were my years growing up without a father of my own. An innocent foalhood that was ruthlessly shattered by the fact I would never know my own father, while everypony else grew up in an unbroken family. It wasn’t fair. He promised Mother he would come back. He promised.
And he broke that promise. How could I trust anything after my own father lied?
Then there were my school years, continually beaten and crushed by a relentless regime. They strived to make me perfect and standardized. Any show of emotions or differences was thoroughly stamped out as soon as it cropped up. They wanted puppets for the country, perfect little automatons.
So I locked all my emotions away, where nopony could ever use them to hurt me again. That taught them. I wouldn’t follow them. Nopony can see the real me.
Soon after, Mother locked me in a cold, suffocating embrace and attempted to keep me sequestered away. Anything that could harm me was hidden, so not to taint or corrupt me. She tried to keep me clean and unharmed. Any impure thoughts were expunged and any negative influences were kept far away.
But I broke free from her grasp and from her ideals. Now I’m famous and can melt hearts on a whim. But I’m still so afraid. What if she was right?
And now, my own wife, a testament to the very things Mother warned about, abandoned me without as much as a backwards glance. My beautiful, traitorous wife. She never loved me, and yet she led me on, only to have an affair behind my back. I had thought—I had hoped—that what we had was real, but I was taken for a fool. And now I’m left with nothing by an empty hole where she ruthlessly tore out my heart.
I had tried to love and to live, but it’s all been for naught. Life had beaten me down for the last time. So why even try anymore?
Why should I even try anymore?
There was nothing for me here any longer.
At every turn in my life, I’ve been so alone.
I’ve had nopony I could count on. Nopony I could trust.
I’ve found nothing but despair and agony throughout my life, and all of it has been inflicted by others I thought I could depend on.
So why did I need anypony?
And why did I need anything?
The world cared nothing for me. It has only sought to wound and hurt me. All my life I’ve been kicked around and not a thing has gone right.
For so long, I was deceived so I would never realize the blatant truth that my entire life has been a mess. But now, I’ve seen through the smoke and mirrors, and I’ve seen the light. The solution seemed so simple, yet elegant.
It took me a long time to find the Wall I’ve been building my entire life. But now that I have, I know that it can protect me. It can stop the pain. It can help me lose myself.
It’s been with me since the very beginning. Since Father’s broke his promises and died.
It’s the only thing I can trust.
Now I don’t need anything else.
I don’t need anything at all.
And all in all, they were all just the bricks in my Wall.