Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner. She was still wondering about what she had forgotten last night, and decided to do something to take her mind off it. And if there was one thing she learned from her time here in Ponyville, Sugarcube Corner was a sure source of distractions.
The first thing she noticed as she walked in was Mr. Cake weighing bits. Money was spread all across the counter, and he was placing one on a scale and checking the weight.
“Good morning, Twilight,” he greeted her, but his smile was forced and his voice sounded weary.
“Are you weighing the bits?” Twilight asked, more than a little bit confused.
“Yes,” he said. “We received a fake one yesterday, and I just wanted to double-check all of them.”
“What makes you so sure it's fake?”
He slid one over. Twilight looked at it and saw the numbers (one bit) and the motto (amoris et tolerantia) in fancy script underneath. She flipped it over, expecting to see an engraving of the Royal Pony sisters on the other side. Instead, what she saw made her blush. “Is that... Celestia's...?”
“Yep.”
Twilight set it down slowly. “Awkward...”
“Yeah. So now Mrs. Cake is worried, I'm worried... and my mouth tastes like brass.”
Right... earth pony problems. Twilight changed the subject. “So is it a bad time to order a danish or two?”
“Of course not! In my professional opinion, there is never a bad time for a danish. Pinkie!” he called.
Pinkie Pie appeared. By that, I mean that she popped her head out from behind the counter, where she had apparently been hiding the whole time. She smiled broadly, not even noticing the startled step back Twilight took. “Hiya, Twilight! So remember yesterday when that new but maybe not so new mare broke the window?”
Her heart beginning to calm down, Twilight nodded. She remembered.
Mr. Cake snorted. He too remembered. He also had had to pay for the replacement window.
“So I swept it up really quick but it looked funny and so I tasted it and it turns out it was candy glass! I don't know how that worked but apparently it did and that's really weird because I didn't make any candy glass and I certainly didn't replace our regular glass with the candy variety. It doesn't even taste good. Not even with hot sauce.”
Twilight snuck a glance at Mr. Cake, but he seemed oblivious to Pinkie's deep thoughts. Apparently, he had been around Pinkie for long enough that he instinctively could tune her out.
“So that was weird and pretty chaotic. You want anything as long as you're here?”
“I'll take a danish.”
“Lemon juice garnish on it?” Pinkie asked hopefully.
Twilight blinked in confusion. “...No thanks.”
Pinkie pouted. “Why does nopony like lemon juice on their sweets?”
Twilight bit her lip before she could say, 'besides the obvious?' and instead smiled as she took her danish.
* * *
The new mare walked down the street. She stopped short when she noticed an aching in her shoulder. Her eyes widened with glee, and she quickly scanned her surroundings. There were two workers carrying a bathtub, and she watched carefully.
The alligator popped his head out. His tiny head out. His tiny toothless head out. His harmless, tiny, toothless, head out.
She sighed in defeat, more than a little bit disappointed. She was briefly tempted to make the alligator something to be feared, but decided against it. Instead, she stomped lightly, and a small puddle of mud turned into soap. The pony walking backwards stepped right in it and slipped, dropping the bathtub. It barely avoided what could have been a very, very painful involuntary castration, and the stallion fainted.
Screwball couldn't keep herself from smiling. Little pranks were always a bit more fun, anyway. And they lasted longer before you got caught. And for some reason, as long as they were little, more ponies were able to just overlook them and move on.
Which, of course, just let her stay in one area longer.
She walked down the street, spreading tiny bits of chaos everywhere she went. A filly's balloon popped suddenly. A dog decided it would be a good idea to relieve himself on his master's fillyfriend's leg. A trash can fell over right as a pony was trying to throw a bag away, causing the bag to rip and spill its contents all over him.
That one made Screwball laugh.
The back left wheel fell off a cart, spilling its wares in a jumbled pile. Saddlebags ripped, spilling bits and personal items everywhere.
Screwball was just about to swap the baking powder for baking soda when she heard a voice.
“That's right. Fastest pegasus in Equestria. Fastest pony, even!”
She turned to see a cyan pegasus, bragging to a group of wide-eyed younger ponies who surrounded her. Her eyes narrowed. She remembered only a few of the ponies that had turned Daddy to stone, and this was one of them. After all, how many ponies have rainbow-colored manes? The others she had recognized were that white unicorn (wonder how that itch is treating her?), that yellow pegasus (hadn't seen her), and that orange earth pony (hadn't seen her either). She was sure she was missing one or two. One of the ones she hadn't identified was bright pink, kindof like that mare at Sugarcube Corner, but that would have been impossible. There was no way that that baker could wield one of the Elements of (spit) Harmony. Not with her... condition. Either way, it was time to put this pegasus in her place.
She walked up and arched an eyebrow. “Fastest pony, eh?”
Rainbow Dash turned. “Yep! That's me.”
Screwball turned up her eyes in a little pout. “Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind a race against a little old earth pony like me, now, would you?”
“Ha! I'll even run.” She landed and folded her wings smugly. “But you'd better be ready to run faster than you ever have!”
“You get her, Rainbow Dash!” called out a little orange pegasus filly.
Neither saw the little smirk that played on the edge of Screwball's mouth. Oh, she will be gotten. Mark my words, little orange filly.
A lanky, orange unicorn colt stood in front of them, obviously acting as the starting line. “One... two... five!”
Screwball cocked her head in confusion, while the rainbow pony slammed a hoof into her own face.
“It's a count-down, you haybrain!” the little orange pegasus yelled, vocalizing what was on everypony's mind.
“Oh... Whatever! Go!”
* * *
Rainbow ran fast as ponies flew by in blurs of red, orange, green, blue, adobe gold, light purple with green hat wait what?
She did a double take, but didn't see those colors again.
Must have been my eyes playing tricks, Rainbow thought, quickly picking up her pace again.
Why was she even bothering? It's not like any earth pony could keep up with her. They may have been known for strength and stamina, but not speed. That was purely a pegasus trait.
She still ran fast, blazing past a mare standing on the piers of the bridge, going so fast it made her propeller hat spin...
Hold on.
Rainbow actually stopped and spun around, but the bridge was empty. She stared, slightly confused at what she had thought she had seen.
“Looking for somepony?”
Rainbow spun around to see her challenger standing in front of her, but on the railing of the bridge. Had she been thinking straight, Rainbow might have noticed how strange it was that this mare could stand on a single hanging chain, but she wasn't. Instead, she blinked in surprise before remembering she was in a race, and took off again, passing the mare so fast her propeller beanie spun wildly.
Rainbow ran, as fast as she could. As she ran, she could hear the crowds cheering in her mind. They called her name, they called out wedding proposals, they threw socks...
“Go rainbow pony! You're the best!”
Rainbow smiled... and then stared, wide-eyed, for that sound had not come from inside her head. She looked and saw her challenger waving her forelegs and cheering on the side of the road as if she were a spectator instead of a racer. She cheered... and then pointed. “Watch out!”
Rainbow Dash looked forward right in time to see a cart rushing towards her, and she couldn't stop in time. Cabbages flew everywhere. Amid the raging of the shopkeeper, Rainbow Dash could hear the purple mare's mocking laughter grow fainter as she trotted away.
* * *
The agreed finish line was the edge of the market. Rainbow Dash ran as fast as she could. Her heart pounded in her chest. She was afraid to lose.
She slid across the line, and didn't see the strange earth pony anywhere.
“Yeah!” she called, panting for breath. “I won!”
Her mood fell quickly when she heard, “And one for Slowpoke here, I bet she's hungry, too.”
Rainbow Dash spun around and was horrified to see her challenger buying two muffins at a small stand. She walked up to her, and gently set down the muffin.
“Think of it as a consolation prize. Better luck next time,” she invited, before patting her on the head condescendingly, laughing uproariously, and walking away.
Rainbow Dash stared at the muffin. It was mocking her, she was sure of it.
She lost track of how much time she stared at it, until she heard the sound of little hooves rushing up. Her posse had followed, with Scootaloo being the first to arrive. “Rainbow Dash! Did you win? You won, didn't you? I don't see her anywhere!”
Rainbow pulled a smile onto her face, even as her voice cracked in disappointment. “Yeah. You know it. Most awesome pegasus... never... loses...” She took a shaky breath. “You know, you're such a great fan. Here,” and she slid the muffin over. “Just for you. I'm gonna go do... awesome things that are... ya know... full of coolness and... and such.” And with that, Rainbow flew off.
Scootaloo bent over and stared at the muffin in reverence. “I will treasure it forever,” she whispered.
* * *
From her vantage point inside a crate that was way too small for her body, Screwball laughed. Nothing like a little rigged competition to crush somepony's spirits. Sure, she wasn't as good as Daddy yet, but everypony has to start somewhere.
She extracted herself from the box and resumed her search. One unicorn down, one pegasus down, now for that other yellow one.
She walked through the market, ignoring calls of wares and services (though she did pause at the frying pans. Frying pans were deliciously chaotic. And, for some reason, fairly delicious in and of themselves.)
She also paused at the sight of an orange earth pony, selling apples and wearing a hat. Screwball smiled. She felt that the world needed more ponies who appreciated a good hat, and decided to say hi. But as she came closer, she recognized her.
At least, she thought she did. But she had to be sure. Screwball disappeared behind a cart, and poked her head out of a small pickle barrel to spy on her target. After a few minutes of observation, she returned her verdict—it was her. Her laugh, her accent, her politeness, her honesty... blegh.
Screwball's eyes narrowed even as she suppressed a wave of nausea. Time to switch targets—this was the orange earth pony she was looking for. Screwball hid a tittering laugh, pulled herself out of the pickle barrel, and paused long enough to stomp lightly with her right rear hoof before turning and walking away.
Carrot Top walked past the apple cart, not making eye contact with Applejack. Truth be told, neither pony really liked the other; but Applejack did have a grudging respect for the carrot farmer for being a good business pony.
With that in mind, she greeted her with a simple, “Good morning, Carrot Top.”
The other earth pony mare froze. She turned to Applejack, trying to keep a straight look on her face. “Good morning, Applejack. Are... are you ok?”
Applejack cocked her head in confusion. “But of course. Why wouldn't I be?”
Carrot Top stumbled over her words. “Well, no reason, but it's just that... well...”
Applejack tittered. “Don't keep me in suspense, Golden Harvest, out with it.”
Carrot Top stared. Applejack laughed, guffawed, chuckled, rolled on the ground laughing, and chortled, but never tittered. That was a Rarity thing. And calling her Golden Harvest? She only used that name for legal purposes or fancy events—what, was she back at the Gala or something? This was too much. Carrot Top decided to just come out and say it. “Your accent.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “I do not have an accent.”
Carrot Top smiled weakly. “And that's the problem.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I do believe you've been, as they say, 'hitting the salt' a bit too hard, dearie.”
Carrot Top chewed her bottom lip in confusion, and finally decided to just take the easy way out. “You're right, I'm wrong, I'm leaving.” And she turned and ran away.
Applejack tapped her chin thoughtfully. “She is a bit of an odd duck, isn't she?” She shrugged and began rearranging her apples, only to look up at the sound of familiar voices.
“So sounds like fancy-speaking cutie marks are a no go,” Scootaloo said sadly.
“C'est inutile,” Apple Bloom agreed.
Scootaloo paused. “I think you're agreeing with me,” she said uncertainly.
Sweetie Belle sighed. “I hope Zecora can figure out something fast. It's really hard to understand you.”
As they came into sight, Applejack called out to her sister. “Salutations, Apple Bloom!”
“Salu-what now?” Scootaloo cocked her head in confusion.
“Salutations,” Sweetie repeated. “It's a fancy way of saying 'hello'.”
“C'est simplement étrange,” Apple Bloom commented. “Elle ne parle pas comme ça.”
“If you're saying that's weird, I agree,” Sweetie Belle concurred. “Applejack just doesn't talk like that.”
Apple Bloom's frustration that Sweetie Belle had repeated—and taken credit for—her comment disappeared as she realized the implications of Applejack's speech. Her ears suddenly drooped, and her eyes widened in shock. “Sacrebleu,” she whispered. (1)
The same epiphany had just hit Sweetie Belle, and slowly it dawned on Scootaloo, too. All three turned back to Applejack. There could only be one reason for her strange behavior. But how would they know for sure?
“I do declare, you three look as though you have seen a spectre,” Applejack tittered.
That clinched it—the real Applejack would never titter. It was true. There was only one course of action now--warn the others. The three crusaders threw back their heads and, with all the power of their lungs, they shouted a warning to the whole town, loud enough that Fluttershy could hear it from her cottage.
“CHAAANGELIIIIIING!!”
* * *
From her vantage point up on a cloud, Screwball shoved a hoof into her mouth to stifle her laughter as she watched the orange earth pony back up in confusion as an angry mob formed around her. That changed a bit when one particularly brave pony decided to try to tackle her—and got a face full of back hooves. Another tried to charge, but a quick headbutt put him in his place.
She was holding off the mob! Screwball nodded, mildly impressed. Then again, they were attacking one at a time, so it wasn't that impressive. (2) Still, it was entertaining to watch. She reached into her cloud, pulled out another of Pinkie's specialty muffins, pulled off the wrapper with her teeth, and began to eat it. The wrapper, that is.
She was still chewing the paper when a loud noise resonated through the streets, and a purple unicorn put a halt to the action.
“Everypony quiet down!” She looked around in surprise. “What is going on here?”
“She's a changeling!”
The purple unicorn turned to the earth pony. “Is this true?”
Screwball snorted. What a stupid question. 'Yes, perfectly true,' she mocked silently. 'You caught me! I'm a mean, nasty changeling and you've found me out!' Stupid chaos-hating changelings... Noooo, they had to be orderly for their hivemind to work. She angrily tore off another bite of the wrapper. Hiveminds were highly overrated. (3)
“No, it most certainly is not true!”
The unicorn was obviously taken aback at the earth pony's speech and clipped accent. Screwball smirked again—that had been a good one.
The unicorn nodded. “Well, there's one way to find out.”
“How?” somepony in the crowd asked.
The unicorn looked back at the speaker and smirked. “I am the Element of Magic. I know a thing or two about changelings and disguise spells.”
Screwball coughed on her wrapper in surprise. THIS unicorn was the element of magic? Now she needed the checklist. Tossing her cupcake over the side of the cloud (and ignoring the involuntary twitcha-twitch in her tail), she reached into the cloud and groped for her checklist. She pulled out a rubber duck, a lollipop (I wondered where that had gone...), a boot, a sock (the kind with a place for toes), another sock (the foreleg lingerie kind), and had grabbed something that felt like a kitchen sink when she remembered that she had hidden the list under her hat. She grabbed her propeller beanie with one hoof and pulled it off, not even noticing when her mane came off with it, and with a quick jerk of her head, the list slid off her head right into her other hoof. She ran down it with a critical eye. Two unicorns, two pegasi, two earth ponies. One from each race was crossed off, along with their elements—generosity, loyalty, and honesty. Was this the unicorn that held Magic?
She raised her head and glared. What to do with her... Unicorns always had spellbooks. That was a realm of possibility, right there. Switch a few spells, bring the books to life, there was always the classic distortion spell...
Wait. No. Daddy let the Element of Magic break herself. Screwball would do the same.
She returned her list to under her hat, swapping it for the cupcake that had appeared on her head, and settled down back into the cloud to resume her snacking. She watched carefully as the purple unicorn cast a spell on the earth pony. Of course, nothing happened, as she was not really a changeling.
The muddled confusion and the cries of “rabble! rabble!” from the crowd were still very nice and chaotic, though. And it took that element of Magic almost half an hour (about five cupcake wrappers' worth) to calm them all down.
Screwball smiled. Three down, three to go.
“Dear Princess Celestia,
I know you're probably busyThis might not be a good timeIt's not too important, butLook, I know I can handle this, but just in caseWeird things have been happening here. Things that neither I nor zebra magic can explain. Chaotic things. Rarity has this itch that doesn't respond to Zecora's strongest creams. Applejack has lost her accent, Apple Bloom can only speak French. Cabbages have turned into gumballs, and Rainbow Dash isn't bragging anymore.
If it's not too much trouble Do you thinkIs Discord still safe in his prison? Please let me know at your earliest convenience.Your worried student,
[signed]
Twilight Sparkle