//------------------------------// // Return of the King // Story: The God Squad // by defender2222 //------------------------------// Luna Theme to The God Squad Theme to The God Squad Lalalala! (Theme to The God Squad) I used to think being a lead would be easy (Theme to The God Squad) So I said “Screw Twilight, this fic’s about me!” Celestia Wait a minute Shining Armor What the hay is this? Tydal Are we really singing? Cadence I think we are Mary Sue the Red Maned, Black Coated Alicorn I’m not even in this Luna I needed another singer! So just shut up and give this to me! ( ‘cus this is The God Squad!) I wrote this theme all by my very seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf! "Ok everyone, I think we got it!" Vinyl Scratch said, taking off her headphones. "Princess Mary, thanks for coming in on such short notice. I know you are busy with you own story..." "No problem!" the black alicorn said happily from the booth. Luna trotted over and gave the other alicorn a big hug. "Thank you so much for helping us out." "Again, no problem. Sometimes it is nice to get away from all the drama and do something fun!" Shining walked over and shook hooves with the red maned mare. "You know, I finally got around to reading your story... even I wanted to punch Twilight in the face for how she treated you." Celestia shook her head. "I do wish you'd appear in more happy stories. I hate seeing you in pain." "It isn't real," Mary Sue reminded them. "I am the goddess of fan fics, so I just make it look sad. Me and the girls are really good friends behind the scenes." "Well, we still worry!" Cadence said, Shining Armor's restraining hoof the only thing keeping her from glomping the black alicorn like she was a dalek (trust me, that makes sense). "It's our job, what with you being the baby of the family." "Indeed," Tydal said solemnly. "Which is why I plan to beat up some ponies this chapter till they say they are sorry." "Uh... you don't have to..." Mary said nervously. "Too late, I'm committed. Roll the title card." The God Squad Episode 4: Return of the King Luna groaned as she sat next to the register, tapping her hoof against the countertop, her disguise glasses hanging on the tip of her snout. It would be another three hours before rush hour, when all the ponies coming home from work would hurry in to grab a quick bite or to pick up some treats for their families (how the citizens of this hamlet managed to not weigh 500 pounds when all they ate was candy and apples was a mystery for scientists of the future to solve). While some might have enjoyed the fact that they weren’t dealing with a mob screaming for snacks, Luna wished that she had a line of antsy ponies demanding service; it would have been so much better than dealing with the utter BOREDOM she was currently suffering from. It had been nearly a week since Celestia had gotten it into her head that the five of them would work for free at Sugarcube Corner to pay off their debt. Every other pony had found something fun to do, but Luna had been left running the cash register since, according to Mrs. Cake, it was the only thing she was good at. “Sunny Skies…” Luna ground out in annoyance, watching as her ‘little sister’ and Cadence (aka Hot Lovin) were making small talk with one of the regulars. “Yes Nightdancer?” Celestia said pleasantly. “Can you cover the register so I can take a smoke break?” “You don’t smoke.” “…can you cover the register so I can go learn to smoke?” Cadence frowned, trotting over to join the two at the counter. “Why would you want to learn to smoke?” “In the hopes it would kill me faster,” Luna groused, tapping her hoof against the countertop. She wished Tydal was there to share in the misery but he had been tasked by Mr. Cake to find a way to increase traffic to the store and he’d been out all day… ~MC~MC~MC~ “WHY AREN’T YOU EATTING AT SUGARCUBE!?!” Tydal roared at the cowering stallion, the broken remains of the pony’s dining room chair clutched in the capricorn’s hooves (how he clutched it even he wasn’t sure). “Please… please don’t hurt us!” the stallion’s wife cried, hugging her children close, the colts sobbing at the sight of the giant capricorn beating their father with a chair (and yet if it were in a wrestling ring they would have been cheering and holding ‘Tydal 3:16’ signs). “I won’t hurt you if you eat at Sugarcube!” Tydal shouted, waving the chair at the sobbing mare. “But… but how am I suppose to eat there if you keep beating me?” the whimpering stallion asked. “I’ll stop beating you when you eat at Sugarcube!” “But I can’t when you are beating me!” “Then I guess we are at an impasse!” Tydal shouted, diving down to deliver another assault. "AND GO TO MARY SUE'S NEXT BIRTHDAY PARTY!" "Wha... what?" "YOU HEARD ME!" Tydal roared, bringing the chair down on the stallion's head. ~MC~MC~MC~ “Thank you, please come again,” Luna said dryly, handing the customer their receipt before slamming her head against the counter with a thud. “Can I be banished to the moon again? Please? At least there I could talk to the moon rocks and convince aliens to abduct earth ponies and probe them.” “I don’t know why you are so upset, Nightdancer,” Cadence said happily as she trotted up to the counter and put a bunch of bits into the TIP Jar. “I for one have found this quite fun.” “That because you actually get off on the stallions smacking your rump when you bend over to pick up their dropped forks.” “Sometimes I drop them on purpose,” Cadence informed her sweetly. “Cadence, what did the doctors say?” Celestia called out. The pink alicorn sighed. “That I have to stop using sex as a coping mechanism to deal with my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” She turned to look at the sun goddess (who was pouring another cup of coffee for Thunderlane) and stuck out her lower lip in a pout. “But it isn’t sex… just sexual harassment! And it is making us a ton of tips!” “How does your husband feel about you whoring yourself out to get us out of here?” Luna asked, rubbing her forehead against the counter (‘Oh countertop, you are my only friend’). “He’s too busy with Tiny.” “You have to be careful with the honey, Wet Blanket!” Pinkie called out from the kitchen. “Uh oh…” “HELP!” Shining Armor screamed in a panic. The three alicorns turned as he burst into the dining room, his mane a mess and bear drool dripping from his horn. “There goes my beastiality fantasies…” Cadence complained. “He tried to eat me!” Shining cried out in terror. “That’s what she said,” nearly every patron in Sugarcube called out. “…is that a reference to something?” Luna asked. “Everything is a reference, I think,” Celestia commented, grabbing a lemon square and taking it to table four. “Sh… I mean, ‘Wet Blanket’, please calm yourself. We are only a few days away from paying off our debt and then we can head back to Canterlot.” “Assuming some silly twist doesn’t suddenly pop up and ruin things for us,” Luna snarked. “Hey, I just came in here for a donut, you don’t have to be mean!” Twist said. “Why would you assume that some…twist… would suddenly appear?” Celestia asked. “History tends to repeat itself and life enjoys biting me on the flank.” “Kinda like Tiny!” Pinkie said as she emerged from the kitchen with a pan full of steaming muffins. “You ponies aren’t leaving before the big event tonight, are you?” “What big event?” Shining asked, accepting the towel Cadence handed him (wait… is it handed? Hoofed over to him? Where’s my English to Pony Dictionary…) and wiping off the trail of bear spit that was running down his face. “HE has returned!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Who? Starswirl the Bearded?” Celestia asked. “Discord?” Luna questioned fearfully. “Elvis?” Cadence offered. “BETTER!” Pinkie exclaimed. “The King is coming.” “So Elvis is coming?” Cadence asked. Pinkie shook her head. “No no no no no no no.” She took a breath. “No no no no….no. I mean the real king.” Luna raised an eyebrow. “Just who is this ‘real king’. Last I heard Equestria was ruled by the princesses.” “Yeah, but that must mean there is a king out there,” Mr. Cake said, trotting over to them, a bit of flour on his cheek (which was weird because he had been upstairs working on the finances). “I mean, why else would they be called princesses? If they were the sole rulers than they would be called queens, right?” Luna shifted uneasily. “Well… maybe they… the thing is…” “And while we are on that, why do we even have princesses?” Mr. Cake scratched his chin, getting a glob of fudge on it (seriously, what was he doing in that home office of his?). “To raise the sun, of course,” Celestia stated, a tray of used cocoa mugs hovering beside her as she took it towards the kitchen. “Oh, and the moon too.” “Yes, the moon,” Luna said with a dark glare. “And that means we should give them full command of our lands?” Mr. Cake asked in utter confusion. “I mean… yeah, it’s impressive but is the ability to move a big ball through the sky really the determiner for being able to rule properly?” “Are you suggesting that we don’t need the princesses?” Luna asked dangerously, her eyes narrowed and a sneer on her face. “Well… we don’t really use them right now. I mean in Ponyville we have a mayor and a court system…” “Well, yes…” Celestia said weakly. “But the Princesses do important things-“ “Like what? I mean, I’ve never heard of them actually passing a zoning ordinance or creating legislation to give hippos the right to vote. Usually all Princess Celestia does is hang out with that little unicorn that likes to smash her head into tables.” Luna chuckled. “You are so nailing Princess Celestia.” “And Luna… she was a criminal and they let her back in power? That doesn’t make sense, does it?” The moon goddess’ horn flared and she shot a hole into the ceiling. Pumpkin and Pound looked down, blinking, before letting out sobs of protest. “Oh noes, you’re babies are upset, you should go comfort them!” “Nice save,” Celestia said as Mr. Cake went dashing upstairs. “Thank you. So, you want to check out the ‘king’?” Celestia nodded. “Yes. I am very interested to see who this so called ‘lost king’ really is.” Shining frowned. “Uh… we don’t clock out for another 2 hours…” Luna, Celestia and Cadence looked at each other. “Cover for us,” the alicorns said, tossing their aprons to the stallion. “Me too!” Pinkie giggled, throwing Shining her apron as well. “Rawr!” Tiny bellowed, flinging his giant apron onto the startled captain and following the rest out the door. ~MC~MC~MC~ “I hear the king is as handsome as they come!” a pony called out as the thinly-disguised alicorns made their way through the crowd that had gathered in the center of town. “I hear he was off fighting a dragon that could eat the whole world!” “I still like yelling thing!” Luna rolled her eyes. “These ponies are sheep, following whatever they hear with blindness and stupidity.” Luna looked down. “No offense.” A ewe snorted. “Racist.” “I do not believe this supposed king to be a true threat, Luna. In my many years I have met quite a few unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies that tried to pass themselves off as a ruler. King Trotter the Black, The Lord of Shadows, that carpenter from B-“ “Careful, we’ll get angry letters!” Pinkie exclaimed, happily riding on Tiny’s back as they made their way through the crowd. “Angry letters are bad… like that time I made fun of Cleavedland and said it was the most depressing city ever!” ~Meanwhile, in Cleavedland…~ Dear Pinkie Pie, How dare you insult Cleavedland! We are the nationwide leader in obesity, condemned buildings, low SAT scores and death by getting a hoof stuck in your mouth because there was pudding on it. So lick my (censored), you (censored censored censored)! -Pugly Fathead, Equestria’s Fattest, Dumbest Stallion and the Mayor of Cleavedland ~MC~MC~MC~ Celestia sighed. “The point is that every time one of these delusional ponies has appeared the public has risen up and not allowed them a single hoof-hold. So there is no reason to do anything rash.” Tydal, covered in blood, chose that moment to join them. “I hear we have a usurper… I call dibs on the first beating.” “No, Tydal,” Celestia said calmly. “We will behave rationally and maturely, like the divine beings we are.” “I heard the king thinks Princess Celestia is nothing more than a pegasus with a fake horn and a huge flank!” Luna smirked as she watched her sister try and resist retribution (namely in the form of intensifying the heat of the sun till every pony died of skin cancer). “Remember… maturity,” the moon goddess sang. Celestia opened her mouth to complain, only to clamp it shut when, in a burst of blue smoke, the ‘king’ appeared before them. Had they seen him from a distance it would have been easy for the 4 gods to believe him to be Luna’s long lost son; his coat was a dark blue and his mane a purplish cobalt with a great streak of electric sapphire running through his tail and coloring half of his bangs. His cutie mark, from what little could be seen of it, was a crescent moon hidden behind a dark cloud. And yet, looking at him, it was clear that the stallion was trying too hard to play the part of immortal alicorn. There were patches of his coat where the dye that had been used to darken it had failed in its task, leaving it splotchy. A seam could be seen on his horn, revealing that much of its might could be attributed to a horn extender being placed over the real deal (despite what the infomercials would have you believe, there was simply no way to lengthen your horn with a topical cream). The vest and cloak the ‘king’ wore were designed to make it look as if he had wings, though anypony who stared hard enough could see that it was nothing more than cloth. “This is just sad,” Luna commented. “I told you so,” Celestia stated. “My good ponies!” the stallion called out. “I am King Fakeo Lulamoon, god of the night sky! I have returned after 2,000 years to reclaim my throne.” Utter silence filled all of Ponyville. Even Black %^$&*%#~ (son of the only pony to have tourettes in all of Equestria) didn’t make a peep. “Long live the king!” Bon Bon called out. The crowd burst into applause and cheers, chanting Fakeo’s name. “Permission to begin the genocide?” Tydal asked. “Rare that I get to kill a blasphemer AND a usurper in the same day. I think I pulled something in my shoulder beating those ponies up who made Mary Sue cry but I could just go with an old fashion tail whipping…” Tydal glanced over at a certain group of 6 mares. “Think I’ll warm up on Shining’s sister and friends-“ “De….de….denied!” Shining Armor panted, having finally fought his way to them (it was made tougher with all the aprons he was wearing). “Enough!” Luna called out. “What are you doing?” Cadence whispered. “Putting a stop to this stupidity,” Luna snapped, moving to stand next to King Fakeo. “Good citizens of Ponyville-“ “WHOOOA!” “That’s where I’m from!” “Yelling things!” “…hear me! This stallion is a fraud and a fake! He is no king; he merely means to deceive you!” Luna declared. The crowd murmured to themselves, the ramble growing louder as they debated her words. “Stop, let the hot nerd speak!” Lyra called out, holding out her hooves. “Uh… thanks,” Luna muttered, adjusting her fake glasses. “What he tells you is lies! He wishes to lead you away from your beloved princesses!” “How can you be so sure?” Fakeo asked, striking a dramatic pose. “Do I not look the part?” “You have no wings, merely a cloth cape,” Luna stated. Fakeo shrugged. “Back in my day all alicorns had cloth wings that looked like capes.” “Your horn is fake!” Cadence called out. “… it is the traditional headgear of a king!” “Your name is Fake-o,” Shining pointed out. “The word Fake is built into your name. Am I the only pony that noticed that?” “My father was named Fakeo and his father before him!” Fakeo turned towards Luna, jabbing his hoof at her. “Who are you to say that I am not who I claim to be?” Luna puffed out her chest. “I happen to be-“ “A-hem!” Celestia coughed, giving her sister an icy look. “-Nightdancer,” Luna ground out in annoyance, cursing her sister’s decree. “Well, Nightdancer, I say we put this to a vote.” Fakeo turned to the crowd. “Who here thinks I am the true king?” Most of the crowd raised their hooves, calling out “Fakeo! Fakeo!” Tydal cleared his throat. “Who here agrees with the Nightdancer AND doesn’t want me to come back and see if they ate at Sugarcube Corner?” Half the ponies changed their votes, crying out “Hot Nerd! Hot Nerd!” “We have a tie,” Luna said. “Wait… a tie? What the hay are we suppose to do if we have a tie?” “Heck if I know,” Fakeo admitted. “Why is hay now a swear word?” Tydal questioned, earning shrugs from Cadence and Shining. “I know how to settle this,” Celestia proclaimed. “You two shall engage in the most tedious and boring forms of combat…” the solar princess smirked, “…political debate.” Every pony groaned.