The Quest For Cabbage
Chapter Tree: A Lesson In Stereotypes
I was meandering down the alleyway when I heard a very strange sound. It sounded like someone was humming... in Russian?
I stopped my trot and searched for the source of the noise. Strangely enough, my search led me to one of the many pipes that were laid against the stonework in the alleyway. The hum increased in volume until I could definitely and distinctly make out multiple voices. I didn't have a clue what they were saying, but I heard them.
"Singing... pipes?"
As I said that, an unearthly chuckle erupted from the same pipe.
"Laughing pipes? What the fuck?" I said as I leaned closer to inspect them.
Suddenly, my vision was filled with red and a shrill scream burrowed into my ears. I jolted backward in surprise, nearly knocking myself out on the brick wall behind me.
"Ahg! Screaming pipes!" I exclaimed as I scrambled to my feet and bolted down the remainder of the alleyway. I ran all the way to the walk-in entrance of Canterlot. I stood in the middle of the street, panting.
"That's not fucking funny, Discord," I said aloud.
I didn't do that. I have no idea what just happened. In fact, I think you were trolled by reality itself.
That's hardly fucking fair.
I looked at the walk-in entrance to Canterlot, confused. I thought the only way in was by train.
Three years ago, yes. A lot can happen in three years, my drunken breakfast.
So this Equestria is the realistic version of the one from the show, except set three years in the future?
Discord laughed. This is Equestria, Inebriated. The real one.
You're tickling my butthole with this useless fucking tail. I'm in the legit, original Equestria?
The one and only. Faust based her show off of this Equestria, except she made it suitable for ages three and up.
What?! How the fuck does that work?!
Lauren was my test subject. You're the second human I've sent here.
Well fuck me, now I feel important. So all I have to do is find a cabbage to leave Equestria, right? Not just Canterlot?
Correct.
I eyed the new entrance/exit.
"Well fuck this place then, I'm off to Ponyville."
T R A N S I T I O N
"Next time...I'm taking the fucking train," I said as Ponyville came into my sights.
I wondered when you were going to realize how long of a walk it was going to be. I gave up on you figuring it out by the third night.
"Shut...up...troll."
I continued to slog my way along the road towards Ponyville. For three days I walked, having nothing but Discord for company. While it may seem like an amusing time, I was thoroughly sick of the draconequis.
Hey, what's that?
Fuck off, I'm not falling for that again.
Fine then. Don't come crying to me when you're molested by her.
I looked up from my feet, wondering what Discord was talking about. There was a solid white line going straight across the path I was walking on and into the forest on both sides. Curious, I walked up to it, careful not to step over the line. There was a conveniently placed sign in the middle of the path, so I read it.
Warning to all newcomers to Ponyville:
Pinkamena Diane Pie, otherwise known as Pinkie Pie, lives here. Be warned that she has frequently broken the laws of physics and space-time on more than one occasion. If you cross this line, you assume all responsibility for any and all shenanigans she causes that directly pertains to you.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I was wondering when they were going to put up that sign. Good on them.
Fan-fucking-tastic. I don't want to be within a square mile of her, but necessity has forced my hoof. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: I think that replacing human anatomy metaphors and references with pony ones wouldn't actually work. Ergo, 'forcing my hoof' sounds like a sexual term.
I haven't thought about that before. You have a point, now that I think about it.
Grunting an affirmative, I braced myself for crossing the line. Goddamit, I don't want to do this.
Then don't. Nobody's forcing you.
You cut that shit out. I searched every single goddamn farm and establishment from here to Canterlot for one cabbage, one cabbage, without any luck. You probably just poofed them all away or turned them into lettuce or something, didn't you? If that's not forcing me onward, I don't know what is.
Have you ever thought that perhaps you enjoy trolling the denizens of Equestria?
Yes, I have thought that. I do, to some extent, but I would still much rather be back home, as a human.
Discord didn't respond, so I sighed and placed my hoof over the white line, expecting Pinkie Pie to appear out of nowhere and ruin my already ruined day.
Of course, that's exactly what happened.
Before I had even taken my second step over the line, a pink blur came launching out of Ponyville and down the path I was on, road-runner style.
And three... two... one...
"Hi there! I'm Pinkie Pie and you must be new here!" said Pinkie Pie before she was even within hearing distance, breaking yet another law of physics.
"I know exactly who you are, please leave me alone," I responded, feeling a headache already start to form.
Pinkie Pie looked at me with a confused expression on her face. "Are you saying you don't want me to throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party?"
"No, no I don't. I don't want anything to do with you or your antics. Please go away."
"Um... Okay. Have a nice day anyway!" she said as she bounced along the road back to Ponyville.
My jaw dropped. "What the fuck was that?!" I yelled.
What? Were you expecting something different?
Yes, I was expecting her to either abduct me and grind me into cupcakes, cause a nuclear fallout to occur, somehow transport me into yet another universe where everypony is gender swapped, transform me into a giant lactating nipple, or break the fourth fucking wall.
You sound disappointed.
Well no shit. In fact, I was counting on her breaking the fourth wall. Fuck, she should've eviscerated the fourth wall and turned it into a breeding ground for miniature velociraptors.
That gives me an idea...
Quiet, you. I'm getting to the bottom of this.
With that, I slogged my way into Ponyville.