//------------------------------// // The Serial Killer with the Most Confirmed Kills Only Received Twenty-two Years in Prison // Story: I Blame You // by Whitestrake //------------------------------// “You know I'm taking Dare.” Whether Lyra was taking that option out of desire for a juicy or fun challenge, or just to see someone ignore Truth, I have no idea. Queen Chrysalis picked up the card with her hoof and smiled in evil glee. The changeling flashed me a glance, and I knew right away that the card's challenge would be the night's highlight. “You must slap the royal flank.” I would have done a spit-take if I'd been drinking, but there was still a level of shock and awe that would be considered obscene in polite company. As proof, the broodmother showed the text, where a stylized sun was drawn next to the order. A special condition stated that the person on the receiving end of the dare would be allowed help if needed. I volunteered on the spot, if only to see my teal friend slap Celestia's ass. “Count me in!” Jay looked ready to go like I'd never seen. For a musician, he had a mean streak like you wouldn't believe, and that was coming from me. Trouble seemed to have a way of finding the flautist and myself, but we almost never had the chance to fuck with the ruler of a country. “You can't be serious.” Twilight obviously couldn't believe that we were about to assault her mentor, so she clearly wasn't going to offer her assistance. Even as the three of us who were going to wreck Celestia's sleep were leaving, Trixie, Twilight, and Chrysalis were trying to hold us back. Or at least trying to keep Jay and I from helping Lyra, so they were being selfish and greedy about distributing the very limited resource of humanity. “I'm super serial.” The teal unicorn flashed a grin as we went into the hall. $%$%$%$%$%$% Palace Canterlot was actually pretty well-guarded, ever since the changeling attack the guard patrols had been quadrupled in frequency. My bandages were an instantly recognizable identification for the guards, and they easily parted way for Equestria's first inquisitor and his associates. When we approached the doors to Celestia's bedchamber, a rather large and intimidating pair of guards blocked our passage with their spears. They were also completely silent and stoic, so fuck those guys. I was about to flash my fancy title, but a little green badass beat me to the punch. “Do you have any idea who this guy is?” Lyra was using a method we had perfected while trying to avoid a fine back in Ponyville, which was a very long story that I'd rather not go into. The guards gave each other a look, but remained quiet about everything. I think the one on the right might have recognized me, but his partner didn't care in the least. A single glare from the big bruiser sent a shiver up my spine, but that might have just been an adrenaline spike. “He could be the highest noble of Canterlot and we would still turn him away.” Oh, they want to play hard ball? I can fucking play hard ball. I looked to a passing patrol, and I was surprised to see it was being led by Bitter Springs, that one pony I almost ran over with Leviathan. “You, guardsmen, arrest these two.” There was a bit of confusion, and the word of an inquisitor against honor guard troops only complicated things. My authority extended to all matters that concerned the changelings and well-being of the princesses, so it was easy to play it off as me being attentive. “Let them in!” Princess Celestia was awake, and feeling better if her voice was anything to go by. The game likely came from her, so it was only justice for the pranks to come back and bite her in the ass. The two stoics looked between themselves, and opened the door to allow my posse and I to enter. Maybe they knew why we were here, and only tried to prevent their charge from being slapped. Like I said, fuck those guys. “Good to see you again, Tia.” I smiled as best I could, while Lyra tried to act nonchalant about her task. Jay was just doing his thing, whatever that could rationally be described as. “It's one in the morning, you better have a good reason for this.” I could see the bags under her eyes, she likely wouldn't be up to anything until the next day. I flashed the same grin I'd given before showing off earlier, just as my teal compatriot slipped around and outflanked the princess's field of vision. “Oh, I have a very good reason for being here.” The alicorn looked at me, then Jay, and realized that something might have been wrong. “Why is he filming this?” A green hoof raised behind the sleepy monarch, a firing pin that would ignite a massive cartridge. SLAP Needless to say, Lyra, Jay, and I ran away giggling like schoolgirls. $%$%$%$%$%$% “Okay, time to pack the game up!” The three of us were panting as we ran back into Chrysalis's room, and were surprised to see that the game had continued without us. Twilight had already gone again, and seemed to have taken Dare, so I missed out on seeing her do something stupid. “Why?” The broodmother looked up at me, trying to figure out the reason behind the sudden change of heart. “Something go wrong?” “More like something went horribly right.” Lyra held up her slightly-red hoof for the group to see, proof of the act that had transpired. Twilight looked at the appendage like the pope had seen his funny hat set ablaze, a stunned silence with a bit of anger brewing under the surface. I think I saw her eye twitch a bit, maybe a few wisps of smoke rise from her mane. A knock on the door sent us into a panic, and the golden aura that enveloped the knob only added to the pants-shitting level of terror that permeated the air. Celestia ducked her head into the temporary apartment with a mischievous grin on her face. At this point, I was feeling that bit of dread people feel when going to court, and this I was on trial. With a small step back, I prepared to run into my own room, then out the window and into the streets. My retreat was halted by a golden wall of light, and the sudden revelation that the princess was much better off than I had anticipated. “Couldn't you have at least invited me?” $%$%$%$%$%$% Extra – Bunker Buster Week three in Equestria, a Monday “Since when do bears attack air conditioning units?” I was speaking Berry Punch, the owner and proprietor of Ponyville's pub, who was currently in the throes of estrus along with every other female in town. I was glad that Ruby was with friends that had left a couple of days prior, otherwise there may have been a few too many questions asked. “Like I said, probably after the freon tank.” Still couldn't get why they had refrigeration but no method of refining fuels. “I swear, ponies will try anything to cool off this time time of year.” “I'm not quite sure things work that way.” I tried bending bits of copper piping together, and anyone that works with copper knows it is extremely malleable, so the task was rather easy. I used a wrench to re-inflate collapsed areas, and old-fashioned duct tape to seal the holes. There were indeed scratch marks on the coolant tank, so I was almost able to remove an equine as the culprit. Granted, there was some freaky shit unicorn magic could do, so phaseclaws weren't out of the question. Why the hell was I even thinking about that? I place a cover over the gaping hole in the unit's case, it would do until Berry could find the time to buy a replacement sheet “That was fast.” The bar owner was correct, the whole thing had taken less than twenty minutes, but it could be attributed to Equestria's antiquated technology. Or it could be that I might have half-assed the repair job, but I'm not an actual AC technician. “Now maybe you can fix the settings in the cellar.” “Sure thing.” Money was money, and wine cellars are pretty cool. I was suing her tools, and was payed by the hour, so I was getting the better end of the deal. We used her outdoor entrance, think of one of the cellar door you see on old farmhouses, and I almost banged my head against the ground/ceiling going down. “It's right over here.” Berry pointed to a dusty hunk of junk that jutted in the underground storage area, its clogged vents and broken dials left me wondering why the unit hadn't given up the ghost. It took a few quick pokes and a blast of air, but everything was superficial and easy to fix. With my entire job done, the flushed mare hand(hoofed?) a bag of bits my way, along with a complimentary bottle for having out so early. With nothing more to do, I began my trip back to Lyra's for a mid-morning rest. What did you think was going to happen?