//------------------------------// // Ein Horn, Ein Reich // Story: Twilight Sparkle: History's Greatest Monster // by PotatoJoe //------------------------------// Stepping into the lab, Twilight didn’t know what to expect. She had good reasons to be clueless. One, there wasn’t usually a laboratory where the East Ballroom was. Two, she didn’t know who was working in it. Three, she was in an alternate dimension. And four, they hadn’t properly documented what processes were being executed on the door’s warning placard, indicating they cared little for proper laboratory procedure - so they were either careless, evil, or both. Taking a deep breath, Twilight Sparkle magicked the door open and stepped inside. “Ooooh dear,” she gasped, realizing she was in a weapons production facility. A vaguely familiar pair of ponies were at work on some sort of machine that had tubes, nozzles, knobs, levers, screens, strumpets, buttons, and an anglomatic press that was somehow set at a six hundred and sixty-six degree angle. They didn’t seem aware she was inside yet, which was good - she needed a moment to take in the fact that there was a cabinet labeled “Doomsday Devices Powered by Zap Apples” next to a cabinet labeled “Doomsday Devices Not Powered by Zap Apples”. Oh, and some sort of bottling plant producing what was obviously some sort of mind control serum for mass distribution, a Zap Apple based gauss redactor, and a door to the “Want-It-Need-It Warhead Storage” center. As she stood gaping at the rather impressive arsenal, noting that there were several fire safety violations near one of the thermite detonators, she grappled with the horror of any version of her in any world needing such a stockpile. That moment of distraction was just long enough for her to be noticed. “Well, look, good brother, it’s our great lady Sparkle~” said Flam of the Flim-Flam Brothers, giving a great mad laugh as he bounded down the side of the hissing device he’d abandoned. “That villain, that schemer, that scoundrel most matriarchal.” Twilight put her brain on standby for a moment. “But, wait, dear Flim - it’s much much earlier than she normally comes to the laboratory,” commented Flam, slithering down next to his brother. Gone were the dapper swindler clothes and the bushy, trustworthy mustache - now, they’d gone full Snidely Whiplash, with striped vests, black capes, top hats, and a mustache that shone with a sinister, waxy shine. “And I fear she may be seeing if our work is merely perfunctory. “Or perhaps she needs a new death ray—” “No, she obviously has plenty—” “Or another mutant beast—” “Flam, she’s got over twenty!” “I can say with aplomb that she doesn’t need a bomb~” “And our serum has the soul of every Guardspony under her control~” “So she must be here for the Super Vicious Orphanator Six-Thousand!” “Ah, no no no, ah, no,” she said quickly, cutting them off before the first bridge began. Both of the brothers, about to launch into their song and dance, stumbled over each other and cartwheeled into a beaker-covered table. There was a hiss of acid as a cloud of smoky vapor filled the air. Twilight fell back coughing, moments later realizing the danger they were in. She quickly cast a spell to disperse the fog and saw they were desperately gasping for air, chemical spots burning their coats. A quick cleaning spell removed the acid from them and the floor and a simple first aid spell cleared their lungs. “... oh... dear,” grunted Flam, panting where he lay. “M-my lady... I mean, Lord Librarian, please excuse us for this mishap—” “We can make it up to you—” “We’ll mix up new toxins during our break, we promise—” “Uh, it’s, um, okay,” said Twilight awkwardly, giving an armored shrug. Why were they apologizing? It had been an accident - and besides, they were the ones who got hurt! “You both are breathing better, right?” “Uh, yes, Lord Librarian!” said Flim, hopping up and letting out a cough. His brother followed a few seconds later, standing weakly. “W-we are ready for any task - COUGH - you wish of us.” “... uh, yeah, you two should... um... take the rest of the day off,” said Twilight, looking over them. “You two just got exposed to a whole lot of chemistry, you really should take it easy.” “... really, Lord Librarian?” asked Flam, looking shocked. “W-well, you have been doing a wonderful job lately!” said Twilight, realizing she was supposed to be evil. She cursed herself for forgetting - obviously, evil Twilight would have called them foals, punished them, and stuff like that. “And, while I may normally treat you as the foalish idiots you are, from time to time everypony needs a break.” She paused, looking at her hoof as if it was more interesting than them, just to make sure they knew that this wasn’t anything important. “Or, at least, I have read that - it was one of those older tomes on managing one's subjects the sisters wrote - mostly good for a laugh, but there were a few decent ideas in it.” “T-thank you, your Lordship!” said Flim, looking shocked and happy. Which was odd, considering he’d been gassed a few moments before. “We’ll just tidy up first, if we may—” “If? You will,” said Twilight, turning and marching out of the room. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it might explode, but those acting classes that Rarity had put herself and her friends through before they’d been in that Hearth's Warming Eve play were really paying off. “I suppose I can tolerate clumsy, but we can leave being filthy to the earth ponies, can’t we?” As the door shut behind her, her eyes bugged out. The racist comment had just slipped out. She’d heard such things from unicorns, but it wasn’t polite to say even amongst purely unicorn company. And she’d just realized that every one of evil Twilight’s lieutenants were unicorns. She wasn’t just an evil tyrant who wrote on books. She was an evil racist tyrant who wrote on books! She quickly dashed off down the hall to find out where Derpy and the Shadowbolts were, because she desperately needed to affirm to herself that she wasn’t actually a unicorn supremacist. The Shadowbolts were at least easy to find - the sound of thunder and lightning drew Twilight to the roof. She found a group of pegasi flying circuits under a front of black storm clouds, dodging bolts of lightning. CRACK! Mostly dodging bolts of lightning. One of their number had been struck and went down in a pillar of smoke. “Soarin’!” barked a goofy voice. Twilight looked at the top of the clouds and saw Derpy barking out orders in a black hooded uniform with a lightning bolt pattern. It looked good on her - true, more severe than Derpy usually looked, but it added authority to her already strange presence. “The goal is to not get killed!” With a puff of dust, Soarin’ struck the lawn below. “Soarin’! Did’ja die?!” barked Derpy, launching more lightning at the Shadowbolts. “Because if you did, I’m taking your muffin! And don’t forget, that’s the only food we’re getting today!” “I-I think he’s really hurt!” called one of the other pegasi, weaving through the crackling energy. “Gah!” growled Derpy, leaping off the cloud and flying down to the injured pony. “What am I doing wrong? The more I try and train you, the more you guys die!” “Uh, hey!” said one of the Shadowbolts, pausing now that there were no bolts of lightning to dodge and noticing Twilight’s presence. “C-commander! S-she’s here to see you!” Derpy, who had been giving the singed by alive Soarin’ a quick check-over, looked up in horror at the roof. One eye fell on Twilight, the other swirled in fright. The gray pegasus leapt into the air and scrambled towards where Twilight stood, quickly prostrating herself in front of Twilight. “I-I’m sorry!” she bawled in a tone that filled Twilight with guilt. “I didn’t see you! Please, Library Lady, only punish me!” Given everything that had happened lately, it was at least slightly heartwarming to find out that somepony cared about someone - “only” punish her? Who else would Twilight punish? She reasoned a really over the top bad guy might harm everypony, but group punishment was rarely effective. “Oh, it was no offense,” Twilight said, the bored tone becoming easier with time. Derpy looked up with a gleeful smile that made Twilight’s stomach churn. “I was merely coming up to glance over your training.” “Oh, thank you, Library Lady!” said Derpy, crawling over and kissing Twilight’s forehooves. Twilight shivered involuntarily - that was really weird and she didn’t like other ponies doing that. “Hmm... though, let’s say I had been needing to speak to you... who would I have punished?” Twilight tried to phrase this carefully. She wanted to sound like she was reminding Derpy what could have happened. There were a few tense seconds as Derpy looked up at her. “M-my daughter Dinky,” said Derpy, backing away and looking down. Twilights stomach ran cold. “A-and how would I do it?” The question just slipped out of her mouth. “Y-you’d send her back to magic kindergarten,” replied Derpy. “Again. B-but you're not gonna, right? I didn’t screw up this time, did I?” “No, no nonononono,” said Twilight quickly, shaking her head. “Just... checking! Byenow!” Twilight ran down the stairs back into the castle, ducked into a side room, and slammed the door shut. She was threatening somepony’s daughter? Routinely? With being sent back to magic kindergarten? Sweet Celestia, that was almost as bad as writing in books! That explained why Derpy was one of her followers - if Twilight was some sort of unicorn supremacist, it made sense that someone with a unicorn daughter might serve her - or was it willing? Flim and Flam had made a mention of some sort of mind control earlier. Curiously, in the grip of her panic, Twilight was slowly becoming aware that this room was the map room on the third floor and that it was curiously identical to the one from normal Canterlot. It was dusty from a lack of use, but completely unchanged - even if the layout had been similar in other halls and chambers, the decor of the rest of Canterlot had been modified. Wait... there was a faint smell in the air. Of... mint. That didn’t make any sense, if the room wasn’t in use. Moldy parchment would have a stronger odor, unless the mint was fresh. She reasoned that the mystery would be good for getting her mind off of the fact that she was a racist overlord for a few moments and stood shakily, taking a few steps and looking around as she searched for the unimportant but distracting smell. Spiders... ew, no... some maps of mountains, outdated by centuries... ah, there was another whiff of the scent. Twilight followed, snuffling slightly, as the faintest of breezes lead her to a bookcase. It was in perfect order. Twilight felt herself relax involuntarily. The sight of the books, a collection of atlases, in chronological order, was a strange comfort to her in this weird world. All those horrible things that she had seen and the other her had done couldn’t be purged by this, but it was wonderful to see that order could be brought into this world. The thought sounded stupid to her, but she was desperate, desperate for any sort of non-wrongness. But that didn’t answer where the smell was coming from... unless... No. NO. Yes. She tossed up a little dust and watched it waft about near the bookcase. Yes, sadly, her suspicions were true. The kind, gentle, unassuming bookcase was a front to a secret door. She paused, considering if she wanted to know what was behind it, then mused it was for the best - at the very least, it could be a good hiding spot. Absentmindedly, she reached out and pulled on a book at random and the wall lurched, the bookcase lifting up and a passage revealing itself. She dashed inside before it shut, then lit the room with her horn. And found herself face to face with Discord. Who was in a bottle. Yes, there was a draconequus in a bottle, looking grumpy and immobile. Now that Twilight was aware of her surroundings she realized the room reeked of powerful magic. Her quick mind began to scramble for answers as she stared, eyes focusing in on the narrow, glowing auras of the spells. Discord was being contained in the bottle by an ingenious series of spells that Twilight had never seen before. If he tried to use his magic to break out, it would use twice as much to cancel what he had done. And he couldn’t just break the bottle, since he didn’t have enough room to move. He seemed grayer in color than she remembered and his eyes definitely looked duller. Next, came why he was in the bottle. It was attached to a small still of some sort that bubbled, lit by an interior heater. It seemed to be converting magic - Discord’s - into a liquid of some sort, then boiling off most of the chaos using a hotplate and a banishment spell, then purifying the remainder and adding drops into a beaker. With curiosity overpowering her better judgement, she walked over and took a sniff of the resulting brew. It smelled like mint. With terror, she remembered the first thing she’d noticed when she woke up that morning - the taste of mint. Did that mean she’d drunk some of... whatever this was? Why would she do that? Twilight wondered how anypony could get such an idea in the first place! Wait, there was another scent in the air. A little staler and fainter. Taking a step back, she jostled against a stool she hadn’t noticed and sent it clattering over, the sound of breaking glass following. She focused the light of her horn downwards... and found the broken remains of a half eaten onion and pepper casserole on the ground. From inside his bottle, Discord let out a menacing, if strangled, laugh. “I told her to watch what she ate after consuming my magic,” he wheezed breathlessly, his dull eyes focusing on Twilight. “So, my little hero, are you here to save me from the big, bad, you?”