Chapter 9: Just an average Caturday.
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s-FUCKING HELL! WHO IS ON CLOUD-DUTY? We need to have clear skies for this shot to work!
“CUT!”
“Take 2!”
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s the proud city of Baltimare.
Let’s go down, shall we?
Going towards the ground, you quicklygatherspeedandthenproceedtocra-*CRASH*
*sigh* “CUT!”
“Take 3!”
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s the proud city of Baltimare.
Let’s go down, shall we?
Going towards the ground, you noticed the tall buildings made of stone and iron. Baltimare is a quite modern city, all things considered. One could point out the major similarity to the human city Baltimore in the 30s, except the roads have been made of cobblestone and where steel would have prospered; stone has found its place.
Now, look at that alleyway…No, THAT alleyway-OH FOR CHRIS-WHO LET THE NEW GUY WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION IN CHARGE OF THE NARRATIVE?! You know what? Screw this, I’m taking over! Take a goddamn vacation or something!
Fine. I can't wait for pay-day...
Sure thing boss.
Sorry guys. Fuck yeah!
This is so meta.
Hey wanna try out that new cafe?
How is this even happening?
I just don’t beli-OH HEY PEOPLE! Completely forgot we were on-air… Heh… new crew… what can you do, am I right?
Right story, where were we? Oh right!
Now, look at that alleyway. To the average passerby, nothing would really stand out, except the fact that it, like the rest of the street in front of it, was paved with cobble. The trash was cleared off the ground, but nothing stood out too much for anyone to actually go there. That is… people who didn’t know what was down it.
If you went down this particular alley, you would find a door. A dark, heavy-looking door, only decorated by a small sign on the door, saying:
’Triple B’
One might have felt intimidated by this outer exterior had you not to known what lay behind it. You might not have wanted to take the time to open it to settle your curiosity. It was a place you didn’t feel like you absolutely had to explore.
All things considered, the door served its purpose well.
Triple B, or ‘Billy Boss’s Bar’ as it’s actually named, was a safe haven in Baltimare’s animal mafia underground... now there’s something I wouldn’t have expected to say today...
In the front you would find a bar. A fairly average bar as you’d normally see around Equestria. Tables here and there for the customers to enjoy their food and/or beverage. Usually the latter.
If you move past this room and go through the door to the right, you’d find yourself in another bar. This one being a casual jazz-bar. For the convenience of the non-Equestrian, think the club ‘Coco Bongo’ from ‘The Mask’, except less palm-y and the scene/dancefloor having been replaced with a small stage for a single band to play on.
The stage, home of The Alleycats; the biggest lovers of music in Baltimare according to themselves (and seeing as they play all the time, I agree). It’s the very same group from the movie, but without Scatcat and Billy Boss, the latter attending his bar.
Look at that group of joyful characters at the table over there. Celebrating their greatest success in a long time and the reunion with their friends and family. This is where today’s chapter truly begins...
Now, look at my own group at the other end of the room please.
“So... Don Monkey took over the city with his men. Then threw Scatcat in the cell when he tried to reason with him. When the last group still loyal to your group saw this, they fled to the sewers? Now they won’t even try to take over the city again?” I surmised that Scatcat had told me since arriving at our current hideout.
“Basically yes, the others have tried to find them, but no such luck.” Scatcat replied from his seat across of me.
“Yeah, thos’ sewers are huge!” Rocko said from his own little chair on top of the table. Hey, size matters here... get your head out of the gutter.
I rubbed my eyes, as I felt myself getting more drowsy as we spoke. It was getting really late. “Then what’s the plan?” I asked the ex-boss.
“Plan? Well... we don’t really have a plan. That’s why it’s not going too hot right now.” He rested his head on his paw. “Do you have any bright ideas Mr. Human?”
“I don’t know... it’s still surprises me how you knew about humans.”
Rocko shrugged. “Well, my homie in Canterlot told me about som’ aliens or summit’. Made sense with ya being who ya are.”
...Am I the only one having trouble understanding Rocko? I’m not very ‘Street’. Regardless, humans aren’t a secret for these guys at least. Still, they said that keeping it hidden might be wise. Having people going on an alien-hunt would be... unfortunate.
“Right... so is there a chance to get back at Monkey?” Maybe there’s still a small hope somewhere.
Rocko crossed his arms and looked to the ceiling. “Maybe... Well, if we can get tah rest’a the guys back... until then,” he drew his paw over his neck. “We’re doomed man. Doomed.”
Scatcat rose from his seat. “Well regardless, it’s getting late. Jazz, head out front to Billy at the bar. He’ll give you a room upstairs.” With that, he left for his own room out back.
Rocko rolled his eyes. “Yeah right, ‘late’. Imma grab another drink from the bar. See ya tomorrow dude.”
I gave myself a few minutes to think about the situation. The gang’s fallen apart. Don Monkey’s got the city in his grip and no one can stand up against him... Woopty-Doo, shit’s gone bad. Guess I’m gonna sleep on it.
I walked out to Billy Boss, who was currently getting ready for whatever rowdy customer he would have to deal with tonight. “‘Evening kiddo, Scat said to get a room?”
“Yeah, it’s been a long day. Might just get one more drink before heading to bed.”
Billy chuckled and shook his head. I really like this guy, he’s like the dad around here. Not the ‘Do your homework’ or ‘Do the dishes’ kinda dad, but the one that shares his whiskey or lets you stay up late at night to watch the adult movies... bottom-line; my dad was irresponsible, but awesome!
“One of my specials?” Billy asked knowingly. I’ve been here for 5 hours and this guy knows me better than most others. Bartenders watch out, Billy’s in town to take your jobs and possibly women! I could only nod in agreement. “OK, one Catini coming right up.”
What is there to say about Catinis? A Billy Boss special mixed with love and care. Tastes kinda like a Martini... come on, with that pun would you expect anything else? It’s also one of the only drinks that I can actually handle.
Why, you may ask? Well back home I was a pretty medium drinker, but here? New body, new alcohol-tolerance. I drink a beer and I’m plastered in this body. Now Catinis are barely alcoholic and made for the animals visiting this bar.
Indeed, this bar is not just made for animals but for those select ponies/griffins/d-dogs/whatever that knows about the animals society. Which is also why the doors are the awkward size they are. Not big, nor small.
“Here’s your drink kid. Enjoy.” Billy placed the pinkish drink in front of me.
“Thank you Billy.” I took a sip of the glass. “You know, I’ve been wondering. How come you run a bar when you were part of Scatcat’s gang?”
He leaned on the counter. “Well, think about it for a sec. What do you think Scat was doing running a mafia?” I shrugged. “Scat never wanted to be someone big and known in the underworld. Now to his misfortune, hehe, he did become big and known. He became known as ‘Big Daddy’” I swear to you I almost did a spit-take. “Scat wanted to gather all the scum in Baltimare in one group and take them off the street. Heh, and would you know it? He actually managed to do it!”
Rocko stumbled by, slightly wobbly. Jeez, how much did he drink in the last few minutes?
“Yesh... and then thingsh turned tah shiiiiit-” and with that comment, his face met the floor and a light snore began.
Billy sighed. “And would you know it? This is just the beginning of the night.” He went around the bar and heaved Rocko from the floor. “Let’s get you to bed boyo.”
“Hey Billy?” He turned to look at me. “What did he mean by ‘turned to shiiiiiiiiit...’?”
Billy shrugged with his one unoccupied shoulder. “His long-time right paw-man rebelled. Took over the gang by force and the rest is history.” He walked away with Rocko’s unconscious body... I’m stopping this sentence before it turns weird.
Right paw-man rebelled? Wait! Was Don Monkey with Scatcat? Wow, what a tweeeest!
With that said and done, my drink been drunk and my fancy rhyming done with... timing, I went upstairs and entered room 103. I was out like a light before my head hit the pillow.
I opened my eyes only to find my room missing... or rather, the entirety of Baltimare missing. Yes that’s right; dreaming once more!
Does this make me a lucid dreamer? I mean, this is technically Morpheus messing with my head to draw me here... or... You know? To prevent a headache, I’ll leave this to the gods to figure out. How he does this, why and where from, is simply not my concern!
I took a look at the room I was in. Unlike last time which had been an amphitheater, this time it was a huge room with huge marble pillars. The floor, also marble, seemed to almost radiate from the sunlight that the balcony behind me. It was honestly pretty breathtaking. I leaned on the stone railing behind me. I looked to the ceiling.
“Damn that’s tall...” I mean, really tall. Like 20 meters at least. That’s somewhere around 60 feet for you Americans. A breeze made my hair flow slightly and I turned around to look at the view.
Two things immediately came to mind. One being the sad fact that I had just wasted the word ‘breathtaking’. The second was that I had to remind myself to clean my mouth later from the fly that just flew into my gaping mouth.
The gothic spires practically reaching the heavens, combined with the everlasting sunset behind them, giving the location its rightful tranquility and entrancing aura. The grand halls and stairwells that connects the individual parts of the immense castle and the cathedral, void of needless details, but majestic in its own rights. The home of the last remaining deities of Lordran. “...That bastard... that bastard created his own damn Anor Londo!”
I looked around the room trying to find my, I guess ‘Game Master’ would be a nice term for him, but sadly came up with nothing. The stillness of not just the room, but the entire city was unnerving in a way. I remember the game (Dark Souls for those wondering) having the same issue. It might seem tranquil, but it’s actually very dangerous.
However, after a few corridors and rooms, I saw no sign of sentinels, gargoyles or silver knights. “Must be taking a holiday or something... I guess that makes sense actually; if Morph really made this place for himself, he most likely wanted it to be liveable.” Can’t imagine waking up to a gargoyle everyday... or ninjas. Seriously, what was with those ninjas?! I never figured that out!
So... a gigantic city from one of my favorite games of all time, minus the hostiles and a GM to locate. Know what this means?
“Exploration time~” I squeed.
So after a large amount of exploring Anor Londo, fueled by adrenaline and a sense of adventure, (and a few drinks from a soda machine I found in a hallway... dreams am I right?) I finally found Morpheus in the chapel (No ninjas! WIN!) sitting in front of the enormous painting, used to enter the painted world of Ariamis... the people who haven’t played this game are most likely asking themselves right now ‘What the hell is this guy on and where can I get some?’ I don’t blame ‘em.
Compared to the last time-”Greetings young one.” Please let me finish? “Oh, my apologies.” *ahem* Compared to last time I saw him, he wasn’t dressed in his blue suit, but instead a plain light blue shirt and cargo shorts. His hair had been tied up in a ponytail and he was currently sketching furiously while looking at the giant painting.
Taking another look at the painting, it didn’t look as I remembered it. Everything seemed to swirl and I had to concentrate not to get dizzy. Images appeared to blend into each other, disappear and reappear an instant later. Squinting my eyes, I could make out a few of the images.
A green minotaur punching an Ursa Major in the privates. Some sort of two horned wolf stealing from a phoenix nest. A griffin wielding a black sword taking out a large group of diamond dogs, alongside his crew of cat-people. A brown werehog if I’m not mistaking, living peacefully with a black dragon and a small foal. A white dragon in a hospital.
These and many more images flicked by in moments and I was only brought out of the trance-like state by the image of a less than appropriate dressed human female appearing on the canvas. Being the gentleman I am, I turned my head a 90 degree angle away from... OK, I took a small peek, can you blame me? She was HAWT! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW! HAMANA HAMANA HAMANA... I regret nothing, nothing I tell you!
“So... what’s got going here Morpheus?” I asked the god of dreams, or ‘the god of student wannabe artists’ would be fitting considering his looks right now and I should stop this thought seeing as he can read minds.
“I heard that.” DAMMIT! “But in regards to your question; this is why I sent you to Equestria in the first place.”
I crooked my head. “To spy on naked chicks?”
“Oh no, she is a relative.” There was an awkward silence where none of us spoke. Even the crickets didn’t chirp. “That... came out wrong...”
I swear, the look of Morph being flustered and stuttering like a fool is something I’m gonna treasure for years to come.
“Never speak of this again?” I offered.
He nodded. “Never speak of this again.”
“Never speak of this again!”
With the speed of a cheetah, his mood turned a full 180 and he was back at his normal casual attitude. “But getting back on topic; this, is the various humans scattered around the world, or at least a few of them. I have also included a few of the more interesting individuals in Equestria like the Queen of Tartarus, so and so forth.”
I looked at the painting again, carefully avoiding the image of the saucy-oh who am I kidding? I totally stared! “So this is what you meant by ‘gathering inspiration’?”
“Basically yes. I’m able to follow their endeavours from both the past and the present. Sadly I cannot peer into the future... it would certainly make my job a lot easier that way.”
I looked at the griffin. “He’s got a crew already? Wow, some people work fast. We’ve been here for like, a little over a week?”
Silence.
“Right?”
More silence.
“Right?”
Even more silence.
Without turning around, I asked him the main question on my mind at the moment. “It’s not like... we’re late to the game or anything, right?” I put a little extra emphasis on ‘late’.
Three guesses, the first two doesn’t count.
I turned around to see Morph pawing his foot. I pointed back at the painting while glaring at my GM. “Morph... how long has that griffin been here?”
He shrugged awkwardly. “Oh not that long... only about seven months or so. I mean what is a few months to an eternity-”
“SEVEN MONTHS?!” I interrupted. “I- IT’S- HOW DO YOU- GAAH!” I took a moment to calm myself down. “You mean to tell me... that there’s a guy out there, who’s got seven months on me? Seven months to prepare, while I’ve been here for under two weeks, basically fooling around?”
He smiled politely. “Oh do not worry about him, worry about the guy who has been here for fifteen years!” His smile disappeared and his eyes widened as he realized what he had just said.
“Fifteen...” I grabbed Morph’s shirt and began dragging him away. “Duke’s archives. Now! I’ve got stuff to read up on!”
Morpheus simply relaxed as I dragged him. He let out a sigh. “Mortals... when will I ever fully understand them?”
OK, duke’s archive: It's named after it's boss, Seath the Scaleless, who was awarded a Duke-dom by Lord Gwyn for the role he played in the war against the Dragons. He was driven insane during his research on the scales of immortality which he could never obtain. The area comprises of a giant, multiple story library, a prison tower and a small garden area that leads to the Crystal Cave.
“...” Morpheus looked at me. “...So what did you hope to gain by coming here?”
“...”
He grinned. “You don’t know, do you?”
“IT SEEMED LIKE A PERFECTLY REASONABLE IDEA AT THE TIME!” I yelled in frustration. Why did I come here? “Well... there’s a lot of books... Look, I don’t know, OK? I just hoped that there’s something I can use here. How was I supposed to know that nothing here is categorized?”
“Yeah, when I made this place I really just put all of my books in here. I am not much of a reader so I did not care.”
I looked at him like he had grown a second head. (Which in hindsight; god + dream world = a possibility). “This is all your books?” He nodded. “And you’re not much of a reader?”
“You try and find the time to read when you have to constantly find inspiration and make dreams for several universes. I only have as many as I have because I have been collecting them for centuries. I have even used some for inspiration~” A little twinkle appeared in Morph’s eyes. I looked at the bookcase nearest me. A worn copy of ‘The Lusty Argonian Maid’... I think I know what ‘inspiration’ he’s talking about. My GM is a perv!
“Heard that.”
DAMMIT!
“Just... just help me find something useful? Please?” I made my best sad kitty eyes... which would have worked a hell of a lot better if I was still in my cat form.
He let out a sigh. “OK then, let us search.”
Searching... searching... searching... this is the sear-r-rching song, and it’s been going on way too long. Nananananana nanaanananananaaaaaaaa nananana~
...we searched a long time, OK?
“OK, what’s with some of these titles?” I marveled at the bookcases. “How to regrow a lost limb in three easy steps., The Mystery of the Hoof. How to pick up things.,
The Omnomnomicon, Atlas of Equestria, now with scales., Egghead's Guide to Traveling..
The strange titles kept coming on the next few shelves.
How not to get ripped off by street magicians., A heart of iron. Tales of a pawn., Tirek Spawns for dummies., Justice and Seapony-style: A Reference Guide To Aspiring Paladins., Order and Chaos., The soup-bone., Spider-elimination, inside and outside your head., Weird Nicknames and how to Avoid them., Being a griffon 101., Legends of Lunars..
Horny wolves., The Dreamkeeper., Hungry like the Wolf.. Three issues of So... you’re now a dragon? varying between black dragons, white dragons and red dragons (meteor-shield edition, whatever that meant...) Musical theory and Shapeshifting. and a very worn down issue of Escaping Sex-Loving Death-Goddesses..
I pulled out a dusty scroll. “Wow, this is old... *pft* screw that.” I tossed it over my shoulder.
“Those dusty papers were way too old. Heh, so old you could call them elderly... scrolls... elder...” I looked behind me at the roaring fireplace and the burning scrolls.
“Oh... SHIT!”
“So as you are aware, the situation within Equestria is worse than ideal.”
”Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”
“The creatures known as Diamond Dogs has taken to enslaving the various species of the world to work in their mines. Even going as far as to enslave other Diamond Dogs.”
”Water, water, water, water, water!”
“Granted this is not for their own enjoyment. Many of them simply do so to prevent the dragons eating them.”
”What to do, what to do, what to do?!”
“The dragons however, only do so to continue their survival. They need the gems to feed on. Their natural pride and honor does not help though...”
”Right! Stomp it!” *stomp* *stomp* *stomp*
“So *snrk* let me get this straight. You tried to put out a fire by stomping on it...”
I nodded.
“The fire on the Elder Scrolls?”
I nodded again.
“The ‘indestructible’ Elder Scrolls?
…
I nodded again, this time in shame.
Morpheus fell to the floor laughing his ass off.
So after going through more books than celebrities goes through partners, we came up with... “Nothing. There’s nothing I can use here.” I sat down at a table.
“Worry not young one, we have yet to even begin digging through this place.” He was, of course, correct. We had managed to look at about 11 bookcases. We mainly had to go by the covers and titles (I know you’re not supposed to do that, but the night isn’t gonna last forever), and yes, there was over fifty other cases to go through in this room alone, but so far nothing had shown up... other than this feline anatomy book.
“Furry belly... that’s literally all this book says...”
Into the fireplace with it.
I rested my chin on the table and let out a sigh. “Let’s face it Morph, I’m screwed until I get this illusion-thing going.” I frowned. “Even then it’s not much. I have a gut-feeling that there’s other illusionists in Equestria.”
Morph put his spectacles back in his shirt-pocket and took a seat at the table. He lightly bumped my head with a book and left it on my head. “Remember what I told you? When you asked me why it was you I had chosen?”
I didn’t give an answer and looked away. OK, I’m brooding, so?
“I chose you in the crowd of a billion other humans because of two things.” He poked my forehead. “Because you are not intelligent.”
“Hey!”
“Hehe, give me a moment young one. You are not intelligent, but you are smart.”
I crooked my head and the book slid onto the table. “There’s a difference?”
“Indeed there is. You do the unexpected by using your creativity rather than your logic. You wouldn’t know how to hack the panel on the door, so instead you dig under it. You are unpredictable.” He put a hand on my head and ruffled my hair. “And when the situation truly turns for the worst, you know when to retreat. Which leads me to the second reason I chose you.”
He poked my chest right over the-Oh don’t he dare use that cli-”Your heart.” *Groan*.
“You are able to see the good in people and befriend them. You show trust even when it is not required or expected. Where your mind stops thinking, you let the heart lead you.” I was about to argue about how cliche and wrong it was. “Is it not true? Have I used months looking for a person with the humility to laugh at his misfortune and the will to protect his friends, and then found the wrong person?” He smiled knowingly.
“I... *sigh* no.” He’s right. I don’t like saying things like that about myself. It feels like I’m boasting or something. But yeah... I would rather burn in hell before my friends got hurt. “How was it that speech went? ‘I can have food or drinks spilled on me, or even be spit at and I’ll laugh about it. However... if for any reason you hurt a friend of mine, I will not forgive you!’ Goddamn One Piece.”
Morpheus looked, dare I say it, proud. “That’s what I wanted to hear young one.”
I took a look at the book he had left on my head. Party Fu: The Inconceivable Art of Random Fighting and Partying. There was a name on the first page with the author’s name.
‘Pinkamena Diane (Pinkie) Pie.’
And with that, the dream ended.
I opened my eyes and instantly got hit by a ray of sunshine from the early morning sun. it only lasted for a moment before a face appeared between me and the blasted sun. The rays seemed to make her face glow in a divine gleam. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. “Beautiful...”
The cat, which I could now identify as the tan cat that had helped us yesterday, crooked an eyebrow (these descriptions is what you get. That anatomy book was useless!) and grinned.
“Morning Mr. Handsome. You look like shit this fine morning. Get up, there’s breakfast downstairs.” She turned around and, (is that a sway in the hips I’m detecting?), walked to the door. She had only just exited my room before she stuck her head back in. “By the way, name’s Amelia. You can call me Amy. Hurry now, it’s a beautiful day outside.” She winked at me before exiting the room for real this time.
I sat on the bed, alone in my room in silence.
“...shit. I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
So after a rather embarrassing breakfast with Amy constantly teasing me, I found myself following Rocko (thankfully he’s a guy that doesn’t get hangovers) through the town. I had convinced Scatcat and Rocko to at least let me take a look in the sewers. Maybe I could make the old gang rethink their choice. If I managed that, we might just have a chance against Don Monkey’s Moufia.
“This here’s dah way down tha sewers.” Rocko said, bringing me out of my thoughts. "Just jump down, it’s safe.”
“So, what you’re saying is that we have to jump down this pipe?” He gave a small nod. “This large, green pipe?”
“Ehm... yeah? What’s the deal?”
...You’d have done the same.
“OK, considering your size, you can have any mushroom we come across, but know this!” I got in his face. “If we find any fire flowers, I’m calling dibs!” I then proceeded to jump down the pipe, whistling the Super Mario theme.
Rocko took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Are all humans like this?” He asked himself before following the crazy alien into the depths of Baltimare’s underground.