The Quest For Cabbage
Zero: Prologue
Exhaling an agitated breath, I stared at my computer screen and the words that it held. More specifically, I scowled and glared as I stared at the tiny words on my computer screen.
Please insert your full name in the space below.
I absolutely abhorred typing my name on the magical span of the Internet for all to see. I didn't even have a freakin' Facebook account. Why did they need to know my name, anyways? Were they doing a goddamn survey?
The nerve of some companies. Ugh. Name. Name. What to put in...
I scratched the top of my short shorn hair and thought back to how the Xbox Live name randomizer worked. It was a verb followed by a noun, right?
Noticing an empty... almost empty... bottle of store-brand vodka on my computer desk, I quickly typed the first verb that came to mind.
Inebriated, I typed in.
Hmm. Not a bad start.
I eyed the clear glass container, pondering whether or not I should start this early. It was around noon on a Saturday, so...
Ah, what the hell? It's never too early to start drinking.
Placing the bottle back on my imitation-mahogany desk with a muted thud and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I let out a contented sigh and wondered what noun would suit my inebriated alias the best.
I looked around my sparsely decorated bedroom. And when I mean 'sparsely decorated', I mean sparsely decorated. I could count every major thing I owned with two hands. Computer, desk, wardrobe, bed...
Actually, just one hand. But hey, at least it's all mine, even the apartment beneath, to the side of, and above my pathetic, one-handed list of owned items.
A couple of things caught my eye that would make an interesting moniker. A solitary, stinking, white sock lying on the corner of my desk, a half-eaten, stale can of Pringles, and a miniature figurine of a majestic walrus in mid-flight, leaping from the ocean waves with a serene grace matched only by two roided-up, sweaty wrestlers flinging themselves towards each other.
Don't ask where I got the sea-mammal. I don't remember.
Staring at each item in turn, I thought over how each of my possible pseudonyms would sound.
Inebriated Sock? I don't know, seems a little plain.
Inebriated Pringles? Bah, it'd probably be disallowed, since it was a brand.
Inebriated Walrus?
...
Yeah, that'll do.
I could just imagine aforementioned walrus figurine attempting its twirls and spins out of the water while absolutely smashed.
It was an interesting mental image, to say the least.
Just when I was about to type in 'Inebriated Walrus' and be done with the name selection, I caught a familiar-looking box out of the corner of my eye. A brilliant yellow background, the words written in crimson, cursive font...
An Eggo Waffle box.
Quite simply the greatest breakfast known to mankind, waffles have been feeding me since I moved into this apartment nigh-on two years ago. It seems that they were the gift that kept on giving...
Inebriated Waffle, I finished typing in. Pressing the 'Enter' key with a flourish I usually reserved for sending scything emails and messages, I leaned back into my faux-leather chair with a smug smile.
"Damn straight," I said, even though nobody was around to hear me. "There you have it. Inebriated Waffle. Best fucking name to ever grace the shitfest that is the world wide web."
Oh, be quiet. It's not as if you never talk to yourself while in the comfort of your own home...
I looked back at the computer screen, and what did I see? An insolent little buffering symbol staring at me. Go to hell, buffering symbol. Nobody likes you.
Finally, a green checkmark sporting a cheerful smile appeared and I was redirected to another page.
Welcome, Inebriated. What is your favourite colour?
My face contorted into a snarl.
Seriously, what the fuck? My favourite colour? What in the goddamn—what does that have to do with anything?!
Managing not to break my keyboard in half, I angrily typed in the best colour to suit my alias.
Golden Brown.
I figured that I might as well go with something that fit. After pressing 'Enter', another overly cheerful green checkmark appeared. I'm in no mood for your shenanigans, checkmark. Leave me in peace.
You chose 'Golden Brown' as your favourite colour. Is this correct?
Very annoyed face. This start-up screen was really getting on my nerves.
Yes, I typed in.
Are you sure? You will not be able to change your colour from 'Golden Brown' after you start.
By Celestia's nipples, this game was annoying the fuck out of me already.
Yes, you cockamamie, shit-dripping piece of anal leakage! I typed in, smirking as I hit 'Enter'. Let's see you process that, game.
I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that, the game replied. Did you mean, 'Yes'?
I calmly stood up and placed my hands underneath my desk. My face was the picture of tranquility as I lifted the desk a few centimetres off the ground before letting it drop again. I so very badly wanted to eject the disk and throw it out my window like a Frisbee, but I forced myself to remain calm and sit back down.
Silently fuming, I put my hands back on the mouse and keyboard. I couldn't believe that I was letting the stupid game get to me already. A few (read: my only) friends told me to play My Little Pony: The MMORPG. It was an enjoyable romp, they said. I wouldn't regret buying it, they said.
For starters, the name was absolute garbage. My Little Pony: The Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game? Why not My Little Pony: Friendship Requires Actual Human Companionship, So Go Outside You Lazy Fuck? I think that's a much better title.
I hadn't even started playing the game, and it was already rustling my damn jimmies. Must be a new record.
Breathing deep, I typed in, Yes.
The response caught me off guard.
You have chosen 'Golden Brown' as your colour scheme and 'Inebriated Waffle' as your name. Generating character...
The fuck? It said your name, not your character's name. What a bunch of underhanded, conniving—
I paused and took a second to think this over.
Ha! I figured that everyone who followed the instructions would have generic, human names, and everyone who didn't would have the most unoriginal and obscenely over-the-top names like Shadow Flash or Knight Flare.
I could only imagine the dumbfounded looks that I would receive when I strolled by as Inebriated Waffle. My name was the epitome of class and sophistication compared to all of the alicorn Gary Stus that made up the majority of original characters.
I leaned back in my chair once more, whistling a few off-key notes while I waited for the bloody game to get started. Just as I was wondering if I had enough time to read another pony fiction while I waited, an overly cheerful tune was heard through the headphones around my neck. It sounded suspiciously like the tune from The Legend of Zelda whenever you got a item.
I squinted my eyes to look at the ridiculously long Terms of Service Agreement. Fifteen pages? How about 'No'.
I scrolled down with my cursor and clicked on the 'I Agree' button.
To me, it acted as the too long, didn't read button. They're the same thing, more or less. A popup window appeared as soon as I did.
You are about to start your adventure in Equestria. What race do you want to be?
It gave me a list and choices between being an earth pony, pegasus, unicorn, alicorn, diamond dog, gryphon, minotaur, changeling, or Pinkie Pie.
I read over the list twice just to be certain.
My first thought was wondering whether the creators of this game were high. Why would they include alicorn as a playable character? I mean, what in the actual fuck? Every dimwitted dipshit was going to pick it just so they could have the perfect character.
I pondered some of the other choices.
Being a changeling sounded... pretty damn neat, to be perfectly honest. It would be pretty damn sweet to see the inside of the changeling hive. I decided to be a changeling on a different playthrough, assuming the game wasn't complete rubbish.
My eyes flashed to the last species on the list before continuing.
Pinkie Pie? What—
Never mind. Never question Pinkie Pie.
Speaking of ponies, why would they even give the option to be an earth pony? Hurr durr, let's see: Should I be able to fly, cast magic, or neither?!
I didn't particularly want to live in a cave, so diamond dog was out. Did I want to be a half lion, half eagle? Actually... being the only meat eater would great wholesome fun for the whole family, but I seriously doubted that they'd allow killing in this game. And minotaur? Give me a fucking break. There was one, count it, one episode with a minotaur and they based a whole species after poor ol' Iron Will.
With every other race being excluded for one reason or another, I had narrowed the choice down between pegasus and unicorn. I was basically stuck between flying and walking on clouds or using all sorts of kick-ass magic.
I thought about this one for a while. I even pondered the idea of picking an alicorn just so I could do both, but decided against it. Even if I did it ironically, nobody likes OC alicorns. Nobody.
Fly.
Magic.
Fly.
Magic.
I hummed and hawed with the decision for a good while before I finally decided.
My decision was made when I glanced away from the computer screen and looked at the small, unobtrusive plushie of pre-season three finale Twilight Sparkle. It's okay, Twilight. I still believe that you don't have wings...
Unicorn, I typed in, my face determined.
You have chosen: Unicorn. Unicorns are ponies that are physically less imposing than the earth ponies, and do not have the endurance of the Pegasi. However, they can use magic. Is this the race you want to be?
Hell to the Yes, I responded.
While I admire your enthusiasm, it is quite unnecessary to curse so vulgarly. It is a children's game, after all.
I did a double-take. Where the heck did that come from? Before I could ponder who or what wrote the message, another generic text box flashed up at me, obscuring the mysterious one before it.
Where do you want your starting location to be: Ponyville, Canterlot, The Everfree Forest, Manehattan, Las Pegasus, Appleloosa, The Griffon Kingdom, The Minotaur Republic, or the Diamond Dog Wastes?
Blimey, I thought. So many bloody choices.
I looked over the names, trying to pick the one that would give me the most interesting playthrough.
For starters, fuck the Diamond Dog Wastes. Place sounded like a grade-A shithole. Actually, screw the Minotaur Republic and the Griffon Kingdom as well. None of those places were canon. Speaking of canon...
I fumbled around my desk until I found the game case. Surprisingly enough, the game was partnered with Hasbro, with a small little disclaimer that proudly announced that everything in the game was canon and adhering to Hasbro's trademarks and copywrites in regards to—
Blah. Blah. Blah. Once upon a time, I would've had faith, but not after they goofed season three beyond repair.
I squinted at the remaining names. Screw Appleloosa. I wasn't playing a muh-more-puh-guh to go and dick around in the Mild, Mild West. And Las Pegasus could blow me, too: I was going to be a unicorn anyway.
That left Ponyville, Canterlot, the Everfree Forest, and Manehattan to choose from.
Ponyville was just... too generic. I was sure that everypony would choose to spawn there with their overpowered-as-fuck black and red alicorns. Manehattan would be fun... big city, lots of people, hookers.
My eyes widened upon that realization.
Hookers!
I was about to feverishly click on Manehattan when I realized what the random, unknown comment from before had said. Damn. It was a children's game, after all. Which meant no hookers. Sad Waffle.
Grumbling to myself, I looked over the last two choices: The Everfree Forest and Canterlot.
I wanted to pick the Everfree Forest, but I've read of some nasty shit going on down there. Slendermane, demonic possession, etcetera. Just because it was a children's game didn't mean that people wouldn't troll the hell out of everyone else.
I eyed the last choice remaining. Canterlot. I couldn't think of anything bad in regards to the capital city, but I couldn't think of any good, either. Whatever. Still a better choice than generic Ponyville. I clicked on the name.
You have chosen: Canterlot. Canterlot is the capital of the equine empire. It's history goes back thousands of years. It is a bustling city of commerce and trade. It is also the where the Princesses of the Sun and Moon reside. Is this correct?
Yes. Bring on the snobby aristocrats!
Come now, they aren't all bad. Most are simply poor, misunderstood souls. Like me.
I wasn't too sure about the message. Something just felt off about it. Again, before I could do anything about the strange message, a much grander text box appeared on my screen, complete with golden edging and a trumpet blare.
Congratulations! You have chosen to be a Golden Brown coloured unicorn by the name of Inebriated Waffle. Your journey shall begin in Canterlot as soon as you click the 'ENTER' button!
It was about damn time. I eagerly clicked the enter button, and eagerly wished I hadn't not a second later.
My vision went dark as my pain receptors went into overdrive, shutting my body down for repairs. The last thing I heard before blacking out was a strangely familiar, warbling laugh that seemed to come from all directions.
I awoke to the same darkness that had consumed me previously. I tried to rub my aching head, but only managed to hit myself with a very hard, blunt object.
Considering my head was throbbing like an oncoming train already, the bonk on the head did nothing to alleviate my pain.
My head—and the rest of me, mind—was on fire. I managed to force my eyes open, but it didn't make a difference: It was pitch black either way.
Don't worry my dear, drunken, batter cake. Your quest will begin shortly.
Oh hell nah.
I recognized that voice; it had plagued my dreams and nightmares ever since the second season premier.
Discord.
Oh, so you do know who I am. Good. That'll make this oh-so-much more enjoyable.
I covered my ears in an attempt to shut out the god of chaos' voice. No dice. It was like he was speaking directly into my head.
That's because I am speaking directly into your head, young padawan.
Christ, his voice was like a P.A. system connected directly into my inner ear. Fuck.
"Why are you yelling?" I asked the darkness, already feeling a bit ridiculous in doing so. "I already feel like I have a hangover, thank you very much. You don't need to make it worse."
I swear that I heard affront in Discord's voice.
Oh, quiet you. Your troll—er—trip will begin shortly. I assure you: It will be quite the spectacle.
"Why?!" I exclaimed. I tried to raise my arms in defiance, but all I got for my trouble was another lump on the head when I fell backwards. "What the hell is going on here?!"
Personal amusement, for the most part. A small bet, for the remaining.
I took a second to mull this over, as there wasn't much more that I could do in whatever state I was in.
"Why me?" was the question I finally asked.
Why you? Good question, one that will have to wait to be answered. And no, you're not some prophesized saviour of Equestria or any silly thing like that. In fact, you're the complete opposite: Boring, vulgar, and just about every other trait that happens to be severely lacking here.
I could take not being some stupid, gallivant knight that runs in and saves the day. I could take being called vulgar. I could not, however, take being called boring!
"Who the hell do you think y—"
Question time is now over! Let the shenanigans... ensue!
"Hey, I still need answer—"
Toodles. For now.
I felt a great weight pressed over my eyes and a wet rag pressed over my mouth. I remembered too late what to do in a situation like this, and inhaled deeply.
Just putting it out there: Chloroform tastes like ass.