[-|-Metanoia-|-]

[Arc 01 - Perturbation]

[o.0.o]

"Ah dunno, Pinkie… I hope he is an’ the cavalry’s comin’, but I don’t know.“

"Dunno… Looks like it’s moving whatever it is. Oh, by the stars, Is that…?"

[o-0-o]

As the light of the new day filtered into the cottage, Fluttershy awoke slowly to gentle knocking. She found herself with hardly the energy to stand, much less answer the door.

The knocks persisted a moment longer before she heard the jangle of the doorknob and a musty smelling breeze blew over her.

[o-0-o]

The sun's feeble attempts to burn away the clouds seemingly thwarted by some presence… or perhaps the lack thereof as a grayish glow was cast over the field.

It was still early in the afternoon. In the distance, the market was only just winding down. Many of the shops would be preparing for the night shift while others prepped for the afternoon and night rushes to come. School fillies and colts would be hurrying home from school, excited for the freedom that the final bell brought.

Five ponies stood beside the sealed casket, all prepared to be lowered into the warm earth at the flip of a lever, but none of the five was gifted with the courage to allow its finality. Not just yet at least.

Fluttershy stared at the casket with burning eyes. The plainly colored wood and static seeming to her the antithesis of the once-pony it housed. Plain and stationary... anything but…

She could feel something eating away at her thoughts as she was less and less able to even look at the casket.

It was almost incomprehensible, despite its concrete presence before her. It was as inconceivable as it had been the week prior or a week prior to that. It was something that couldn't be and shouldn't be.

To admit that the fiery and brash pegasus was gone. That everything that had been her was now confined to memory.

Fluttershy found herself staring resolutely at the ground just before the casket, her head throbbing terribly as she spotted the jagged scar in her peripheral vision. It cut across her chest and abdomen, just barely visible beneath newly sprouted fur. A shudder went through her as she remembered that night and her gaze shifted, unable to look at the evidence before her. Instead, she looked to her friends for comfort.

A few feet away sat Pinkie Pie… but there was no bounce in the pink pony. None of the usually endless energy.

No, she sat quietly, body sagging as if it were on the verge of collapsing into itself. Even her mane seemed to have lost its luster, falling in limp curls about her shoulders as her tail pooled likewise on the grass. She wore a thin, black veil over her face, but still Fluttershy could see the tears streaming down the earth pony's face. In her mouth, she clutched a single black balloon that drifted languidly overhead.

Hoof on Pinkie’s back, Applejack stood staring at the casket quietly, her face unreadable. Her hoof simply moved in a comforting circle on the pink pony's shuddering back as Applejack drew the earth pony closer.

Beyond them, Twilight stared at the casket, wide-eyed as a few stray tears dripped down her face. A small stack of note cards lay forgotten on the ground in front of her. The dewy field claimed the bottom of the stack as tears wore at the top.

Next to her, Rarity sat, an almost perfect facsimile of Applejack with a comforting hoof wrapped around her fellow unicorn. Her face was bereft of tears, but still, her blue eyes shimmered with her restraint, whispering near silent comforts to Twilight.

Glancing back to the casket, Fluttershy could feel her stomach quietly twisting itself into knots, her heart thudding inside her throat.

Quietly, she slipped away from the group, away from the damnable casket, and trotted sullenly up the hills surrounding the field.

Soon enough she found a tree under which to rest, an enormous willow that overlooked everything. From there, she could see the small gathering of ponies, but it all looked so much smaller… so much further away. So much more distant.

This isn't how things are supposed to go… She stared up at the protective cover of the tree, its limbs drooping towards the ground as if attempting to comfort the pegasus.

With as much strength as she could muster, Fluttershy gave the tree a hard buck, face contorted in frustration.

The tree hardly moved. The only sound was the quiet rustling of leaves in its upper branches as the Fluttershy collapsed to the ground. Her hind hooves throbbed, momentarily distracting her as she felt the coolness of the damp grass.

For a moment she remained still, her eyes focused on the individual blades of grass just before her muzzle. She watched as they twisted and bowed beneath the soft, cool breeze, a chill coursing up her spine.

If she could just focus on the grass before her, would she have to think about anything else?

If she focused on just a single blade of grass... if she just focused on something so insignificant…

“Applejack…” Fluttershy muttered in response, her eyes drifting up to meet the work pony’s worried gaze. Fluttershy could she the tell-tale signs in the orange pony's eyes: dark circles, redness, the slight snuffle in her voice…

“How you doin’?” The question hung in the air. The answer was obvious, but steeped in relativities.

Nothing was said for a moment as Fluttershy returned her gaze to a single stalk of grass. She could hear her hooves come closer before something warm pressed against he. Fluttershy looked over at her friend laying beside her, an oddly serene look on her face.

Applejack's eyes were closed, the breeze coursed through her mane, stetson having been left elsewhere for the day. She seemed to be empty of thought, mouth curled into a nearly imperceptible smile as she took in a deep breath of air.

“It was my fault,” Fluttershy mumbled out as she lowered her gaze once more.

She found herself with a hoof to her lips, not in malice or annoyance, but just… there.

“Not even another word on that, ‘Shy. Nopony in their right mind would look at all this and blame you.”

“No buts. Ain't nopony's fault 'cept that monster’s,” Applejack interrupted, giving the pegasus a hard stare before her green eyes softened. She glanced over to the three ponies still below. “That's goin' fer you an' Twilight too.”

“It’s…” The words stuck in her throat the moment she tried to vocalize them. She stared into the work pony's eyes, watching herself mirrored in them.

“There’s something else… ain't there? It isn’t feelin’ responsible…”

Fluttershy didn't answer for a moment. She simply closed her eyes, trying to capture that momentary serenity that Applejack had, but all she felt was cold.

Opening her eyes once more, she rubbed at them, trying to rid them of the soreness she felt. As she removed her hoof she glared at it as one might a traitor to the kingdom.

“Why can't I cry?” the pegasus simply repeated, looking to the orange pony with bloodshot, but perfectly clear eyes. “I can cry when one of my animals dies… I can cry when I'm scared… Why can't I cry for her?”

“I dunno, Fluttershy,” Applejack admitted, hooking a hoof around the now shuddering pegasi's shoulders, drawing her closer. “We all end up grievin' in our own way…”

“You'd think that would be mine…” Fluttershy muttered with a pained chuckle, crossing her forehooves before resting her head atop them. She stared down at the distant casket, vision blurring as her focus shifted between it and the stalks of grass before her.

“Maybe… maybe y'think Rainbow wouldn't want you cryin' for her… maybe you think she'd want us all smilin' and celebratin' her life.”

“Things get better, Fluttershy… it might be a long time afore they do… but they do.”

Fluttershy didn't answer. She simply stared off into the distance, looking beyond the field before them as the shivers faded from her body.

[o-0-o]

Most of her animals had moved on. Injuries mended and sickness abated, they went on their way and out of her life. Many more would soon be migrating or beginning their long winter hibernation.

Letting the door click shut behind her, Fluttershy began to slowly trudge into the cottage, head bent as she went.

Everything was oddly immaculate, not a single thing out of its place. Angel must have been busy during the day. The little rabbit was in his bed beside the couch, legs twitching slightly as he slept deeply, no doubt dreaming of endless alfalfa fields.

Fluttershy allowed herself a little smile as she bent down to give the bunny a light peck on the head.

As she drew closer to the bookcase, however, her smile soon disappeared. Poking out from between somewhat organized stacks of books on plants, herbal remedies and animals, there was her secret book, canvas-bound portfolio, its woven cover worn and torn in several places. Most ponies would have dismissed it at first sight, the papers it contained yellowed and warped by the years.

To Fluttershy, it was a collection of memories. Memories hastily taken and haphazardly organized. Walking slowly and softly as to not disturb her slumbering assistant, the pegasus gripped the bindings in her mouth, drawing it from the shelf. She bit down hard as she felt the papers within shift, threatening to slip from its grasp.

Into the kitchen she went, slipping it onto the table before taking a seat before the folio. The fading light of the sun cast a soft yellow light over its well-worn contents.

Maybe I should leave this for the morning, part of her argued silently, eying the book as one might eye a predator in the far distance, wary yet curious. But… maybe it'll make me feel better… maybe Applejack was right…

Tipping open the cover with a tentative hoof, Fluttershy slowly spread out the contents of the portfolio.

There were certificates she had earned from her school days in Cloudsdale, a scattering of hoof-paintings from her foalhood as well among class assignments. Most of it, however, was made up of magazine and newspaper clippings.

“Unexplained Phenomenon Near Cloudsdale,” the article heading read, a picture of a grayscale ring of light taking up much of the page.

The sonic rainboom didn't quite work in the black and white of newsprint. Perhaps that was why it had remained an old mare's tale even after. The article speculated on many, but didn't commit to any explanation. The reasons ranged from natural phenomenon to the test of some sort of super weapon to Princess Celestia having a bit of fun at her subject's expense and even to the second coming of some long-forgotten harbinger of doom.

I wonder if Dash ever read these, Fluttershy wondered silently, a sad little smile on her face as she silently giggled at the absurdity of some of the explanations. She would have loved to see their faces at the best young fliers’ competition.

Her eyes slowly meandered the article as she thought back to that day at flight camp. She didn't think she'd ever felt such a wide range of emotions in single day, not before and not even after.

Fluttershy ran a hoof over the picture, tracing the arc of the rainboom with the tip. It hadn't been the first time that she'd met Rainbow Dash… but it was the first time they'd actually talked to one another...

[o-0-o]

The afternoon long since been subsumed in the soft dark of early evening when the little filly heard the voice calling for her.

“Fluttershy?!” the familiar voice cried out, sending a few of her animals scurrying away in a mad panic. “Hey, Flutters, you out here?!”

“Hey, Fluttershy!” the rainbow-maned filly appeared, wings buzzing as she coasted lazily around a tree, a grin plastered on her face. “I was wondering where you went.”

“I've been down here mostly…” she whispered, nudging the little rabbit that had pressed itself comfortably into her side. “Time to go, sweetie.” She smiled at the rabbit as it took a few tentative hops towards the forest brush before vanishin with a nod from Fluttershy.

“Was I, uh, interrupting or something?” Rainbow asked as she landed, staring at the animals as they looked back with glares. “These yours?”

“Well, no… I mean sort of,” Fluttershy stuttered for a moment, glancing around at the animals as they stayed at a distance from the cyan pegasus. “She's not here to hurt anyone. Promise.” Rising to her hooves, she nudged Rainbow towards the scared pack of animals, “See?”

“Um… friend… right…” Dash laughed nervously as a surprisingly large mass of woodland critters came out of the forest, from the brush, the trees, the sky, the water… seemingly from every conceivable direction they came to inspect the new pegasus in their midst.

After a moment, they seemed satisfied, but still scattered back into the forest, a little bunny thumping out a goodbye before disappearing for good into the brush.

“Bye…” Fluttershy whispered as the last of them scattered before the growing dark, the forest falling into silence.

“It's okay. I'll see them another time,” the yellow filly muttered in response, pawing at the soil with an idle hoof before turning to Rainbow. “What are you doing down here?”

“That's just something the councilors made up. It doesn't really mean anything… you said so yourself.”

“Yeah… I kind of did, didn’t I?” She dug into the soil distractedly, staring at the furrow she was making. “Bluh! I'm just no good at this kinda stuff.”

It was the first time she'd see the brash pegasus struggling with her words. Usually Rainbow's words were out her mouth before even first thoughts had the time to cross her mind.

“Apologies?” Now Fluttershy was well and truly surprised. “Apologies for what.”

“For being a jerk!” Rainbow exclaimed angrily, but it faded quickly. “I haven't exactly been all that nice… but then I saw those bullies making fun of you and…”

“I dunno. I just didn't like it one bit. I hated it!” she stated resolutely before turning to face Fluttershy eye to eye. “I'm not like that, am I?”

“Aw, cripes… I haven't been much of a wingpony for you, have I? I mean you can hardly fly and I just ignore you.” The spiky-haired pegasus let out a frustrated yell as she delivered a hard buck to a nearby tree. “I suck at this.”

“But it is, Fluttershy! It really is. I don't see how it can't be.” Rainbow grasped the yellow pegasi's shoulders with her forehooves, a wife grin on her face. “But I'm gonna fix it.”

“Yeah, we're gonna have you flying like a pro in no time flat!” She lifted the pair up into the air, Fluttershy’s wings flapping in a panic. “You ready to train?!”

“Ain't any buts here 'sides all the flank I'm gonna have you kicking. You're my wingpony, Fluttershy, and it's past time we got you up to snuff.”

With that, Rainbow pulled the gangly yellow pegasus up into the air above the trees and let go. Fluttershy was unsteady at first, blushing furiously as she tried to make sense of what had just happened, but as she looked at the pure determination on her... wingpony’s face she felt herself relaxing, the fluttering of her wings growing steadier, more relaxed… more natural.

It was the first of many such lessons as Rainbow worked to make good on her promises. It was still a good while before the Fluttershy as comfortable in the air as she was with all four hooves on the ground, but Dash held up her end.

Through almost all of flight school she was there for Fluttershy anytime she needed her.

[o-0-o]

Looking up from the article, Fluttershy stared at the living room, the silence of it seemed so wrong. It was just so large… so empty…

Shaking her head to clear the unwanted thoughts, she returned to her piles of memories, flipping through to find a few more clippings. There were quite a few more involving Rainbow Dash. News of the Junior Speedsters exploits in Equestrian Athletics Quarterly, including the naming of a certain filly as pony to watch.

She even had a few clippings of the Wonderbolt's activities, mostly tryouts and acquisitions, but there had been no mention of her friend in these. As a filly, Fluttershy had always assumed Dash's place in the Wonderbolts had been preordained by Princess Celestia herself. The rainbow-maned filly had certainly done the job of convincing her of its inevitability…

With a cry of frustration, Fluttershy brought her head down onto the table with an audible thunk that echoed through the kitchen.

She didn't want to think like that. She didn't want to think about the future. She didn't even want to think about the present.

She wanted back the past, undiluted by what had happened, still somewhere in her mind in pristine condition.

Oh, Rainbow… I'm sorry… Fluttershy willed the tears to come, but still, she found herself staring out at the moon as it hung high in the sky with vision unobscured.

With a soft sigh, the yellow pegasus got to her hooves, pushing the pile of scraps back into the portfolio before closing it gently. Slowly, Fluttershy crept into the living room. She looked from the stairs to the basket in which Angel slept, the rabbit's face scrunched up, nose sniffing at some smell only he knew.

With a soft smile, Fluttershy made up her mind, lifting herself up onto the couch next to the rabbit's bed. Tucking her legs under herself and curling her tail around protectively, Fluttershy watched the little bunny slumber, the slow rise and fall of the his chest, the intermittent twitch of a whisker or leg at some unknown fabrication of his dreams.

“Good night, Angel Bunny,” she whispered as she closed her eyes, waiting for the peace of sleep to come.

[o-0-o]

“C'mon, why don't you just fly away? Can't you fly?” the mocking calls fell upon the gangly pegasus as she cringed beneath their verbal onslaught.

Blue eyes staring through her feathers, she watched as the pair of young colts circled above, laughing as she cowered on an isolated cloud.

“Afraid you're gonna fall? What kind of pegasus are you?” one of them asked her mockingly, drawing up close to the pegasus filly.

She simply stayed quiet, tightening her wings around her, hoping in vain that they would simply disappear if she couldn't see them.

“I think it could use some work,” a familiar voice broke into the chatter between the bullies. The little filly could feel the cloud she was on sag slightly with the weight of an additional pony. “Maybe you should go work on it somewhere else.”

“Oh, yeah, and what're you gonna do about it, lady?” one of the bullies demanded defiantly before a sudden, high-pitched yelp filled the air.

“My hoof, your face… do you really want to see what I'll do about it, you little cloud-biting punk?” the familiar voice inquired in a sweetly no-nonsense tone.

“N-n-no, ma'am…” the bully stammered out before the little filly heard the mad scramble of panicked wings.

After a moment or two, the telltale flapping of wings faded, leaving only the gentle sounds of the high currents.

“Fluttershy? Honey, you okay?” the voice asked as the little yellow pegasus slowly retracted her wings, revealing the absence of the bullies and the presence of somepony new and very much welcome.

“T-thanks, Mom…” the little pegasus squeaked out, tears streaming from her eyes as she immediately attached herself to the mare's leg.

“Shhh… shhh… everything's fine now, ‘Shy,” the mare whispered, running a hoof through the filly's mane before sitting down and lifting the little pegasus up. “Momma's lil' girl's gonna be just fine. Now ain't she?”

“Yeah,” the little pegasus answered with a soft giggle as her tears finally ran dry.

“You've just got to be more assertive, Fluttershy. Colts like that just keep hounding you forever if you're not willing to stand up.”

“I know, Fluttershy… you've got a lot of your daddy in you, but you've got me in there too,” the mare spoke softly, giving the little filly a tight hug.

“Now, how 'bout we get our hooves back on solid cloud. Flight Camp can wait another day.” She smiled back as she flared out her wings.

The little filly cried out happily as she clung to her mother's neck, burying her face into the auburn mane as the wind whipped by. Screwing her eyes shut, she relaxed into the familiar scent of her mother's mane.

As she opened her eyes again, however, she found herself gripping nothing. The scent vanishing into the black void that surrounded her.

“Mommy? Mommy, where’d you go?” she called out in a panic, voice echoing ceaselessly in her mind before, with a whimper, she laid down, cringing before the all-encompassing dark.

[o-0-o]

“I'm not questioning your knowledge, milady, but it could…well, it could kill her.”

[o-0-o]

Fluttershy awoke with a start, falling off the couch and onto the thankfully soft rug below as her legs scrambled in a mad panic.

“Whuh…what?” She lay on the floor,confused and panting as she waited for her heart to stop thudding so loudly in her chest.

She stared around to find that the sun was down now, the cottage bathed in a soft dark as the thinnest rays of moonlight streamed in through the windows.

Outside she could hear the faint chirps of crickets and the hoots of an owl in the distance.

For a moment, Fluttershy found herself paralyzed, unsure of whether the noises were real or the product of her still sleep-addled mind. She glanced over to find Angel still slumbering peacefully, her confusion only deepening. She looked away to stare at the cottage door and waited for a sound, any sound.

Then it came again: a soft rapping at the door followed by a series of unintelligible words.

Rising slowly to her hooves, Fluttershy crept along the floor, wings locked tight to her sides as she trembled with a nervous fear.

Fluttershy's ears perked at the sound of her name, fears abated before they were replaced by confusion.

“Who would be out here so late?” she whispered to the empty room as she drew herself up from her low crouch, walking more confidently to the door.

“Fluttershy, are you there?” the voice called as Fluttershy pressed an ear against the door. It was a familiar voice, feminine, yet having a juvenile, boyish sort of quality to it. “Fluttershy? It's really cold out here.”

“Who's there?” Fluttershy barely choked the words out, her throat suddenly parched as she pressed an ear to door.

Her eye darted between the table and the couch as a part of her mind tried to determine which would be the better, quicker hiding place.

“O-okay…” the yellow pegasus stammered as she grasped the door, letting it swing open slowly before she let out a loud gasp.

There before her stood a cyan pegasus, her mane marked by every color of the rainbow, that omnipresent smirk plastered on her face.

Without a thought, Fluttershy slammed the door in the apparition's face and dove beneath the table.

Fluttershy trembled, hooves wrapped around a leg of the table she hid beneath. She drew her wings around her, feathers vibrating as she tried to block out the world and retreat into their darkness.

“Nopony's there… nopony's there…” she muttered quietly, but the voice remained. “There's no such thing… no such thing…”

It was now younger… not the voice of a full grown mare nor even an adolescent. Folding her wings back slowly, Fluttershy crept over to the window and peered out before, with a gasp, she flung the door open.

There was no cyan pegasus. No shock of rainbow hair. There wasn't even a full grown pony. She watched her writhed in the dirt, an orange hoof pressed to its nose as a fuschia tail twitched.

“Scootaloo!” Fluttershy darted to the little filly's side. “Oh, Scootaloo, I'm so, so sorry.”

“Mah nose…” the little pegasus squeaked out as she rolled from side to side in the dirt.

“Oh my goodness.” She quickly scooped the little filly up into her forehooves and hovering them back into the cottage.

[o-0-o]

“Okay… now just keep your head tilted back,” Fluttershy spoke softly as she gently coaxed the filly's head back until her eyes stared up at the ceiling. “There you go. Better?”

“Unh hunh…” Scootaloo confirmed, a hoof keeping a bit of tissue pressed to the end of her muzzle, a small pile of them having accumulated beside her on the kitchen table.

“I am so… so sorry,” Fluttershy reiterated for what was likely her fourteenth apology in the last minute, shame having all but been etched on her face.

“S'okay…” the little orange filly murmured quietly, keeping her head tilted as Fluttershy worked on cleaning the scrapes that littered her patient's back.

“Now, this might sting a little, but just keep your head up,” Fluttershy warned before pouring a bit of iodine over her back. She could see Scootaloo tense, but otherwise she stayed perfectly still. Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow at the filly, drawing a slight shrug from her.

“Wasn't always so awesome with my scooter,” she answered the unasked question with a somewhat embarrassed grin, her voice having taken on a distinctly nasal quality. She maintained her grin for only a moment before her face took on a confused look as her eyes looked over her shoulder at the elder pegasus. “So… um… why did you slam the door in my face?”

“Sorry… it's just…” Fluttershy stammered slightly, her voice raising an octave even as her volume shrank. She was silent a moment as she sponged off the excessive iodine and began to bandage it. “I was startled. I thought you might be… I thought you were…” How to admit to a filly that you were scared of ghosts.

“Yeah?” Scootaloo asked, her voice filled with curiosity more than anything else.

“I thought you were Rainbow Dash for a second,” Fluttershy admitted softly, her movements slowing at the name.

“Really?” the little pegasus asked, initially excited by this case of mistaken identity.

“You remind me of her when she was younger… you sound a bit like she… used to…” Fluttershy offered, trying to comfort the little filly as a ring of tears formed at the bottom of the little pegasi's eyes.

“Here, let me see that tissue,” Fluttershy asked, removing the bloodied paper before examining the little filly’s upturned nostrils. “I think it’s all dried up. You should be able to lean your head forward.”

“I forgive you, Scootaloo. I just can't believe I slammed the door on you like that…”

“It's okay, I've done a lot worse… and I guess it's kinda my fault for being out here so late…”

Fluttershy was quiet a moment, trying to find the least accusatory means of asking. “Why are you out here so late, Scootaloo?” She helped the little filly hop down onto the floor, both walking into the living room where a fire now roared in the hearth.

“But why are you all the way out here? Your parents will be worried sick about you.”

“No… well, probably, but… I-I don’t know…” the little filly stammered as Fluttershy led her towards the couch she’d pushed in front of the fireplace. The perfect place for a shivering filly to warm herself. “I just really needed to ask you… an-and—”

“Scootaloo, it’s okay. I'm not mad,” Fluttershy whispered, a few stray tears trailing down the little pegasus's face as she trembled.

Fluttershy bit her tongue, remaining silent a moment as the little pegasus stared up at her, face streaked with tears, beggining for answers that Fluttershy simply didn't have. With a soft sigh, Fluttershy lifted herself onto the couch next to the shivering filly, wrapping a wing around her.

“It's just… I never got to…” the filly choked back a sob as she nestled in Fluttershy’s grasp.

“It's okay, Scootaloo, it's okay,” Fluttershy hushed the little pegasus, nuzzling her gently as she felt the warm tears cascading across her side.

“I just wanted to know,” the little filly paused a moment, trying in vain to compose herself, wiping the tears from her eyes as best she could. “Did Rainbow even like me?”

She seemed as though she were made of something so fragile, so delicate that the softest breeze could crumble into dust.

Oh, Scootaloo… Fluttershy found herself without an answer, the little filly's wide eyes seeming to swallow her whole with their pleading.

Finally, Fluttershy took a breath, dimly realizing that she'd been holding it. She pulled the little filly close to her, wrapping her wing tightly around the little pegasus before pressing her head to the filly's.

“You were like a sister to her, Scootaloo,” Fluttershy whispered before she lowered her head, staring into the fire. Its warmth seemed so distant compared to the little thing pressed against her.

“T-thanks, Fluttershy,” the filly choked out, managing a wry smile as she buried herself into the older pegasus's side.

“You should get some rest… things look better in the morning,” Fluttershy murmured as she watched the flames flicker and dance in the hearth, listening to the soft sound of the filly's steady breaths.

Metanoia

by littlerobotbird

05 [Arc 01 - Perturbation, Part One] <rev. 08.09.2014>