//------------------------------// // Rainbows and Ribbons // Story: Mortal Enemies // by Loyal //------------------------------// "More rainbows!" "But general, I can't DO any more rainbows!" "Then steal some from your neighbor!" "UGH!" I'm standing over a long production line where my soldiers are taking pure, unadultered children's dreams and candy and using their happy melodies to weave them into rainbow extract. Then it goes into the mixing vat, where Rainbow Dash is manning her post admirably. "Status report, major." "I thought I was a lieutenant?" "Consider yourself pre-emptively promoted, then. Where are we at?" "Eer... I think phase four." "The sonic rainboom?" "You're thinking back a ways. No. This phase is... Uum... Steeping." "I don't have time for st-" *Splat* Like I could have stopped it. Like a tired old man, I wipe the random cupcake from my face. It's almost a daily occurrence now. I can hear her haunting giggle fade away as my best soldiers tromp after her. Interesting, she's taken to hanging from the ceilings and throwing them now. I heave a sigh and turn back to Rainbow Dash. "Sorry about that. I'd talk some sense into her, but talking sense into Pinkie Pie is like telling Jupiter to stop being so big." "Anyways... This is her one weakness, Major Dash. We need these finished ASAP." "General, I'm working as fast as I can. You can't rush a rainbow." I grin down at her. "Watch me." ------ "Everybody ready?" The eve of the battle. I know she's out there. The shattered and broken battlefield is barren of everything living... Only glitter and the occasional discarded pie launcher lay strewn about the decimated landscape. Concrete juts up out of the ground at odd angles, jagged lines softened only by the caked-on icing and rotting sugar. This has gone on long enough. Hoisting a water balloon filled with anything but water, I look up and down the long lines of my battle-ready men. Many of them are cupcake vets. Most of them have lost an appetite, or even two, fighting the pink demon. "SIR YES SIR!" The chant makes my chest vibrate. I grin and juggle the balloon a little bit, hefting it, testing it for weight. "Then let her come." Daybreak. The sun rises over the horizon like the bread rises in her ovens. Her infernal, demonic ovens. A lone figure stands on the hillside. Four-legged, poofy outline... She's carrying something in her mouth. "Sergeant, binoculars." "Here, sir..." I'm handed a hefty set of high-tech binoculars, which I use to assess the lone equine silhouette on the horizon. Lining my eyes up with the lens, I focus on her. In her mouth, she's clamping... "General? You're shaking." "Pardon me, Sergeant..." I say softly, setting both the binoculars and the water balloon down gingerly. "S... Sir?" "I need to... I need to go." "Sir?! You can't go! She's right there! We can WIN this!" "I know we can... But I need to go accept her surrender." "SURRENDER?!" He drops his own water balloon, the goopy red filling splattering my boots. "Jeez, man! Watch it with that stuff! You'll kill someone!" I scold, jumping back. "S-sorry, sir... I'll go get the biohazard suit." "Better make it two!" I call after him. "Srirancha eats through those gloves like no other..." Packing an extra shot of insulin, I make my way out onto the field, my sentries and snipers scoped carefully in on me as I advance on the lone figure. "Hihhaw Hoorrhaaa! Ptoo! I mean, hiya Jordan!" She says, spitting the flag out onto the ground as I warily approach. "Eer... Hello, Pinkie..." I say cautiously. Probably the first words we've exchanged in a month. "I just wanted to say, that I surrender. I don't wanna be your mortal enemy anymore." "Wh... What?" I ask in disbelief. "Yup. You look like you're getting awfully sad and lonely out there with all those other guys. And I kinda feel bad for doin' this. I mean, Princess Celestia's orders are orders, but I can't stand to see somepony frown because of me. So, here. I made you this." She pulls a cupcake out. Immediately, I hear hammers cocking and safeties clicking off. About seventeen red dots blaze on her pink coat. I raise a hand. They all vanish slowly, as if hesitating. Carefully, I take the cupcake from her. "It's a new recipe! Sugar-free! You know, so you don't have to worry about... The, uh..." Her face puffs up for a second, her cheeks and neck suddenly very fat. "Diabeetus." Hesitantly, I take a bite. And spit it back out. "PTOO! It's so sweet! Ugh! Urgh! Oh, my liver!" I'm groaning and rolling on the ground. Pinkie Pie erupts in laughter, all four of her legs kicking in the air as she rolls about. I crawl away from her as the first wave of fire erupts. She's gone, of course, the bullets and water balloons burst upon the open ground without any effect on target. Somewhere off in the distance, I hear 'April fools!' and I realize what confounded day it is. "General, are you alright?" My trusty Sergeant hauls me to my feet, and I spit off into the dirt. "Call the planes. Have them dump the BSB." I grunt, wiping my chin free of icing. "Sir! We've... Well, there's an ambassador here from the UEN." "UEN?" "United Equestrian Nations. She says it's urgent." I glower at him and am soon guided back to my personal bunker, the fifteenth I've had to construct since we've began this whole debacle. "Commander Sparkle." I say, saluting once more. This is the second time in two weeks I've received a visit from her. "General Williams. This is a cease and desist order from the United Equestrian Nations, signed by the leaders of your world and ours. As you can clearly see, this is your American President's signature, and Princess Celestia's mark." The looping, elegant signature was marred by it's neighbor, a rather unsightly yet somehow powerful and demanding hoof-print in ink. I take the page gently in my fingers, wondering what exactly this entails. "Eer... Cease and desist what?" "Aah... That is the ledger of acknowledgement. See, THIS is the real order." She hefts a huge, massive tome onto the table, dust picking up under it's cover. It's sleek, bound in black leather, and looks very professional. Using her magic, Twilight opens to a page about a third of the way through. The script is tiny. Like, miniscule... "As you can clearly see here-" I scoff. "In section four-forty two, paragraph eighteen, sentence six... "And as such, General Williams of the Stalliongrad Infantry is herby ordered to cease all open aggressions against Pinkies Piecus on threat of death." I stare at her incredulously. "On... Penalty of DEATH?!" I stammer. "Afraid so." Twilight sighs, dropping the book's cover once more. "But... This is... I can't... WHAT?!" "And if you don't, Celestia said she'll let me carry out the sentence." I'm speechless, my mouth hanging open as I stare at her. "Don't worry. I read a book about executions. See, I have it with me." She pulls the book out of her saddlebags, brandishing it in front of my face. Sure enough, the title reads "A Unicorn's Advanced Preliminary Guide to Public, Private, and Televised Executions, Part 4" "This is a series?" "There's a lot of legal jargon to work through. So. Are you going to stop?" "I... I guess I have no choice." I mutter. "Sergeant, you're in charge. Tell the men they don't have to fight the pink demon anymore... I suppose I'll have to live my life constantly hounded by the cupcakes of Tartarus..." "OH! I almost forgot... Here, section twelve-four-two, paragraph twenty-three... You only have to cease open MILITARY operations against the aforementioned genus and species... So, yeah. YOU can fight her. The Stalliongrad Infantry can't." "Eer... Wait, what? Why didn't they put that part in with the first one you showed me?" "Hmm? Oh. Like I said. Legal Jargon. There you have it. It looks like you're going to acquiesce to the UEN's request, so I shall leave you to it. Oh, I do need to leave with your rank, though." "Right. Take it. Sergeant, I suppose you're in charge." "Eer, following proper chain of command, sir, that would be Major Dash." Twilight slapped her face with her hoof. "Great. Might as well re-name it the "Sonic Rainboom" Infantry..." Somewhere, off among the ranks of dazed and confused soldiers, I heard her cry out 'Great idea, Twi!' "Right then... Is that all?" "I... Guess it is..." "Good luck to you, Jordan. Pinkie's my friend and all, but I'm kind of rooting for you..." "Really?" "No. Statistically speaking, Pinkie Pie holds the advantage over you in every way, shape, and form. I'd be a foal to put any hope in you. It's just kind of fun thinking the underdog could win." Twilight smiles at me and trots away happily. "Commander?" I call weakly. "Hmm?" "What ARE the statistics...?" "What, you mean like... The chances of you winning?" I nod. "According to preliminary calculations... Approximately forty-one point oh-seven-seven-four-two percent. Unless..." "Unless what?" "Unless you lose some weight." -Note from the Author- I really shouldn't have written this. I need to be asleep.