Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
May The Best Pet Win
Dear Princess Celestia,
Oh, would you look at that. Rainbow Dash has apparently figured out that no one likes her, so now she wants a pet to give her unconditional love. Maybe if she stopped being such a cunt and started working on her shitty personality, she could actually make some real friends. But no, she's taking the easy way out and getting a pet. What's worse is she's getting a pet for companionship. Fuck that. I mean, I have an owl to fetch things for me when Fax Machine is being a dick. Fluttershy always has a bunny nearby for emergency Friendship Fires. Applejack has a dog to piss on the cherished belongings of those that make her owner angry. Rarity's cat probably has the best personality out of the bunch, and when Pinkie Pie's alligator grows it's teeth, nopony is gonna screw with her anymore.
So Fluttershy takes Rainbow to her concentration camp, and shows her the best slaves she can get. After breaking into song, and getting the idea for a competition to see which would have the honor of serving this bitch of a Pegasus, Fluttershy took the opportunity to make fun of Rainbow yet again, and entered a turtle into the competition......well I'm gonna call it a fucking TURTLE, Fluttershy. Shut your whore mouth. By the way, don't write that, Fax Machine.
Deciding to humor Fluttershy and letting the turtle into the competition, the contests start, and the various pets demonstrate how well they can worship the ground she walks on. I can't understand why she even made the flamingo a finalist. Maybe because it was hot pink and fabulous and obviously gay like she is. After contests of bitchyness, hipster, and lesbianness, it was time for a death race through Ghastly Gorge. Either she'd figured that the most worthy pet would survive, or she'd grown tired of this idea and was hoping that they'd all die in the race. Well, turns out, if you fly distracted, shit is going to happen. Rainbow got a wing caught in an avalanche, and about four hours later, the turtle comes and saves the day. And it was only about halfway through the race. So we were waiting for four more hours at the finish line, kinda hoping that Rainbow had died somewhere in the gorge. It turns out, we aren't that lucky.
So whoopdy-fuckin'-doo, she decides to keep the turtle – SHUT UP FLUTTERSHY! - names it Tank and straps a helicopter blade to it's shell. You know what you have there? You don't have something cool, you have a fucking TURTLE with a helicopter blade on it! If I were her I'd just train it to retract into it's shell and then toss it at ponies I don't like. I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon.
By the way, what the fuck is a 'tank' anyway?
Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.- FINE! You want to know why I'm bitchier than usual? I forced Spike to rail me for an HOUR last night, and I still couldn't get off! What the fuck??? He's a baby dragon, that's why his fucking dick is so small!