It was hot and musky in the room. Small beads of sweat moved down the purple unicorn's fur as her eyes stared down 26 different test tubes and beakers. Each form of glass had a different colored liquid inside. The pony bit her bottom lip as a test tube in the middle of the arrangement was brought up to eye level. Purple glitter adorned the inside of the liquid as it swirled around. The camera captured all of this, and Twilight Sparkle sighed in relief. "Dear Princess Celestia, I have begun potion making lessons at your request." She said. "I am recording this video to show you my current progress. As you can see, every single vial has been carefully placed in order of use, along with being labeled."
The book worm smiled and looked at one of the particularly long test tubes that were placed in front of her. From the angle of the camera, the immaturity of the crowd (and no doubt the viewer) would initiate laughing. Most would be laughing at home as well, since it looked like Twilight Sparkle was about to place her muzzle over a big glass dick.
The levitated test tube moved above the bigger one and slowly dipped its contents into the pool of black liquid at the bottom. The liquid bubbled as if it was being heated up, and Twilight’s eyes widened at the realization of her mistake. “Oh no!” She said before she closed her eyes. The large vial shot out three beads of it’s now purple liquid, sticking to the mare’s fur and forming large puddles on her face. The crowd laughed loudly as the makeshift bukkake continued, three more gooey ropes shooting onto the mare’s mane and eyes. “That was not supposed to happen!” Twilight added.
The goo slowly dripped down her face and the video paused as Twilight’s horn started to glow, probably to pick up the camera and restart. From this angle, the two beakers nearby the large test tube provided the perfect image. Two red circles surrounded the beakers while another red oval crossed around the larger test tube. The words, “Dick of the Week” showed on the screen before the title introduction for Ponies.0 started.
The camera shifted over to Tosh, who smiled as his hooves adjusted the jacket on his form. “Looks like King Sombra’s (beep) shot.” The crowd laughed and Tosh smiled. “Welcome to Ponies.0. Today, I question the validity of the fourth wall, Pinkie Pie ske(beep)s all over something, and I give Steven Magnet a web redemption. Let’s look at that last video again.” He said. The television rewound the tape to the part where Twilight’s face and mane was covered in goo. “And then the vial grew tentacles and raped her.” He said which elicited laughs from the crowd. “Look at it this way; twenty years from now, when she finally decides to get laid, she can use that big vial as practice. Alright, what’s next?” He asked as the video changed.
Mundane and colorless, that was the visual that the room in this video was exuding. The walls and stone floor were a solid gray color while gray blinds were pulled over the four windows in the room. The camera panned left and right to show the rest of the room, which consisted of a pink and blue cannon with a small alligator on the top of it. The alligator’s eyes remained spaced out before the wick on the cannon lit. The cannon emitted a party noise and fired supplies all over the room until it was fit for a party, Pinkie Pie style. Streamers surrounded the ceiling and blinds, while tables with drinks and snacks were placed against each wall. A phonograph sat atop a table in the middle of the room, playing tunes. There was a small giggle coming from the party pony before the video ended.
Tosh’s eyes widened and he looked at the crowd, who didn’t seem to see the point of this video. “I don’t think the room appreciates being skeeted.” He responded, which caused the crowd to laugh. The video played again while he provided his input. “I mean, look at that,” he said, while the cannon fired party supplies in the room once more. “It’s going to take more than tissue to clean that up. By the way, ladies, that’s my size.”
Tosh pointed at the cannon, and then the pants that covered his nude form, no doubt covering the fact that he wasn’t even close in size compared to the cannon. The crowd laughed once more before the video changed. “This next video reminds me that steroids are a bad idea.” He said.
The room looked to be just as musky as the first video. The camera shifted a few times as the owner tried to figure out how it worked, just like every other pony in Equestria. “Dude, do it!” A large colt’s voice replied, as the camera focused on a white colt with bulging muscles and small wings. The environment looked to be a weight room, since numerous pieces of training equipment took up the room. There was barely enough room to move back and forth between weights. The white colt emitted a loud, “YEAH!” and snorted. His eyes were staring at the wall while his hooves wrapped around a barbell.
The other pony nodded his head and clenched the muscles in his fore hooves, causing the barbell to move up and to his chin. “YEAH!” He yelled out as he took a step forward. The colt was on his hind legs, the barbell high above his head.
The cameraman kept his focus on the colt’s face, which was slowly turning red from exertion. “Dude, you can do it! Don’t be a p(beep)!” He said.
The other colt nodded once and then threw the barbell onto the ground after doing 15 lifts. He was gasping for air and wanting some water.
The cameraman let out a small laugh before speaking again, his tone full of vitriol. “Dude, what are you doing? You did twenty yesterday!” He said. “Don’t be a bitch, pick that back up!”
The white colt picked up the barbell again and the camerapony smiled before the camera focused on the colt’s face again. However, the colt turned towards the camera and threw the barbell. The video ended right as the barbell completely obscured the frame. The crowd gasped as the video ended and laughed as the realization of the event took place. The camerapony was knocked out by a large barbell.
Tosh slightly frowned. “Looks like Roid Rage here needs a little therapy. Let’s see if we can point him in the right direction in this week’s Breakdown.”
The crowd cheered as the logo for a video breakdown showed, and Tosh smiled as the video was rewound to the beginning. “Alright we have an annoying friend with a camera that probably thinks he is a movie director, and a colt who legitimately got his muscles through hard work and training. You know… steroids.” He said. The video started and the view of the barbell being picked up by the colt was shown. The video was paused. “Sure, yell out so that you can get the attention of everypony in the room. Sounds like a great idea.” He said. The video then showed the fifteen reps, before it was placed on the ground.
Tosh smiled as the video showed the camerapony coming closer, moving right into the colt’s face, as he insulted the other. “Good idea. Roid Rage is probably twice your size (except in the d[beep] department), and you decide to make fun of him. Do you have any other bright ideas?” He asked.
The video continued until the barbell met the camera and it ended. “And this is the point where you realize that making fun of other sweaty guys and posting the results on the internet is probably not your best life choice. Hopefully you can check out the mare’s side of the gym next time. If you do that, we thank you. We will be right back with some more Hooves.” Tosh said with a smile as the transition for a commercial break played.
~
“Welcome back to Tosh.0. A lot of you sent this video to me and wanted to see my take on it. I will have you know that I didn’t listen to you, since this is the internet. The last time I listened to you, I grew a vagina from Futashy fanfiction. This is “What the Fuck Am I Watching, Who is Getting Fired?” Tosh said.
The crowd cheered as the ridiculously long transition played out before the camera focused back on Tosh. He smiled as the video played.
Another plethora of crowd claps followed as the camera focused on a new creature. He had hair on only a few parts of his body, and was standing on two legs. The creature had peach colored skin and a smile on his face that mimicked Tosh’s own. The creature played a picture of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy in a 69 position, their uncensored cartoon vaginas played for everyone to see. “Grown men, who can’t wait to jack it to a bunch of explicit pics of cartoon ponies.” The creature said.
Tosh stopped the video and his smile grew wider. “What’s wrong with that?” He asked and the crowd laughed. His eyebrow rose as he continued. “I guess I have to get the money grubbing unicorns on the phone, because someone is getting sued. I feel sorry for this douchebag. He is completely copying me with no originality put into his material whatsoever. He is obviously going to get some papers in the mail. I gotta give him props though. I don’t know how he managed to copy me as well as he did. Do you know how hard it is to put a tan colt with a television screen in front of a camera?” He asked.
The television screen changed and Tosh’s smile moved back to its passive grin. “This last video reminds me why I don't live in San Fillycisco. I hope it does for you."
The video changed to a lush grassland, occupied by a river stream that thrashed with the intensity of the one who caused it. Loud crying could be heard and the camera focused on a sea serpent that was thrashing around in the riverbed. He had an orange mustache and terrible hair that reminded the viewers of Cheerilee's youth. His belabor of movements blockaded the river and right when six nearby ponies were about to talk to him, the video stopped. The caption “Pussy of the Week” flashed over Steven Magnet's head.
The crowd laughed as Tosh placed his hoof over his head. “Okay, I don't even know where to start with you dude.” He said as he moved the hoof off of his head and pointed at the television screen. “Your hair looks like one of Rarity's cloth abortions. Your mustache reminds me of a terrible Bond villain. Last but not least, you need to take a few ccs of 'man the f(beep) up'. You remind me of my gay brother that killed himself.”
The crowd let out a groan as Tosh smiled and he shrugged. “Wasn't my fault. Dumbass thought he could take Big Mac's d(beep).”
The crowd laughed again and Tosh squinted his eyes. “Anal bleeding joke makes them laugh. Go figure. Anyway... I flew Steven Magnet down to Los Pegasus to explain his temper tantrum in this week's Web Redemption.”
The crowd cheered as the television brought up the “Web Redemption” transition, before the camera completely focused on the new visual.
~
The wide shot showed Tosh as he walked into a bar with a significant amount of patrons inside. The room would have been split up by gender, if one half of the bar wasn't currently taken by a long and purple sea serpent. Colts and mares were all pressed up against one another in one side of the room while Steven's long body took up the other half.
Tosh walked up to the bartender and smiled as a glass of Applejack Daniels was slid over to his spot. Steven Magnet's head remained low as he tried (and failed) to grip a glass in his hands. The glass instantly shattered from two of his fingers and the shards fell onto the ground. Steven frowned and then looked to the one who brought him here. “Wouldn't it have been better to meet me at a lake or the nearby ocean?” He asked.
Tosh raised an eyebrow and feigned a look of shock as he looked around. “I assumed you would be more comfortable here.” He said before he turned back to his guest. “That colt in the assless chaps seems nice.”
Steven blinked a few times. The joke completely missed him and he relaxed his head on the bar counter.
Tosh cleared his throat and continued. “I saw your video on the internet. Tell me, why were you crying harder than my marefriend after I finish with her?”
Steven placed a hand under his chin as he tried to remember that day. “Oh... it was so loooong ago!” He said as his other hand patted the split of purple hair that now adorned his fixed mustache. “I remember crying because I looked hideous with only half of a mustache!” He said in his comically flamboyant tone. “How was I supposed to get a fellow girl serpent if I had a mustache like that?”
Tosh nodded his head a few times, even though it looked like he was setting up a joke. “Oh yeah.” He said nonchalantly as his eyes moved down to the serpent's crotch to take a peek. The camera didn't follow his eyes. “You have a d(beep) that can break half of this bar in half, and you are worrying about your mustache. Trust me dude, you are fine.”
Steven let out a small laugh which shattered all of the bartender's glasses. The colt's eyes flashed in anger before Tosh passed the colt a big bag of bits. His troubles melted away and Tosh continued the interview. “So, I'm curious, what do you do as a job?”
“Oooh. I'm an interior designer!” The serpent replied with a smile, even though the planks of the ceiling were digging into his hair and no doubt ruining it.
Tosh sighed. “Of course you are. Are you a fan of Desperate Marewives?”
The serpent eagerly nodded his head. “Oh yes! I can't wait for the next season! Berry Punch is going to tell off Fleur de Lis!”
“I have no idea what you just said, I'll just assume that it was gay.” Tosh responded as he drained his new glass and ordered another one. “So wait a minute, you said a girl serpent. You are a straight serpent?”
“Of cooourse!” The serpent responded as he looked into Tosh's eyes. “I don't hate anyone that isn't straight, but I am not gay.”
“You are an interior designer, you like Desperate Marewives, and you cry because your mustache is ripped. You are sure that you aren't gay?” Tosh responded as he raised one of his eyebrows. “Because by stereotype standards, you are about as flaming as Braeburn at the moment.”
Steven shook his head. “I just happen to have a flair for interior design!” He responded, the jokes still moving over his head.
Tosh nodded and drained the new glass, before ordering another one. “Oh by the way, the gay hating part is fun. You should really try it sometime. Anyway, have you gotten a date since this video was put up?” Tosh asked as he took a drink of his Applejack Daniels. The camera's view started to blur a slight amount as it mimicked Tosh's vision.
Steven's speech started to slow as he explained. “I...don't...have...a...special...serpent. But...I...think...that...can...change.” He said.
Tosh nodded his head a few times as his eyes started to droop. “Well, if you ever lose your job at the interior... design place... you can always make a living by molesting fillies on bullet trains.” He responded in a slurred speech. He was not aware that he had completely misplaced his jokes, and ended up switching two of them around. “Because... you know... The Crystal Kingdom is into that sort of thing.”
One of the nearby colts moved up to Tosh and motioned towards Steven. “Who's your friend?” The colt asked, a smirk on his face as he adjusted the saddle on his back.
Tosh turned towards the colt and then over to his guest. “I don't f(beep)in know.” He said as he let out a loud burp. “And why are you asking about him?”
The colt seemed put off and he raised an eyebrow. “I thought you weren't gay. I heard you from over here. Be happy I didn't punch your face in.”
Tosh moved off of his bar stool and leaned against the colt, his face turning slightly red. “Well maybe I was planning on taking this serpent home?” He asked. “I was gonna try out the Kama Serpent positions. Pack more fudge in him than one of Pinkie's cakes.”
The other colt placed a hoof over his mouth and threw up out of the camera's view.
Tosh smirked before he collapsed on the ground.
The next visual that the crowd could see was Steven Magnet and Tosh together in a long bed. Both of them were completely naked, but blurred out for obvious reasons. Tosh's eyes opened and he looked around the room. “Oh Celestia, don't tell me.” He said to himself.
“Toshy...” Steven Magnet said as he rolled around in the bed to face his last night partner.
Tosh jumped out of bed and pointed a hoof accusingly at Steven. Steven raised his hands in a non-confrontational manner.“I thought you were straight!” He said.
Another colt came out of the bed covers, followed by another, and another, and then a mare. One of the colts smirked and laughed a few times. “The moves he put in? Doubt it.” The colt said as he came out of the covers.
~
The video ended and the crowd was laughing up a storm as the camera moved back to Daniel Tosh. He currently was holding an ice pack to his head while he lowered the brightness on the television screen. “Just like a gay. Pissed that he can't have me, so he ends up drugging me to have sex with him.” Tosh responded in a near whisper. It was a good thing he had the microphone attached to his neck, or else he wouldn't have been heard. “God my ass feels like a slip and slide. Make sure to check us out on Tweeter and Ponybook. Go online to the store so that you can buy some more of our swag. I recently imported some hats made from real chicken feathers. Pay no attention to the identical hats that Rarity recently made and is selling. See ya next week.” He said. He waved at the camera while the crowd stomped their hooves as the show drew to its close.