My Daily Dose of Carotene

by Stillmatic

Chapter 4: Making a Few Acquaintances

You know, there are times in my life I try to consider what exactly can be made of the situations I end up in. This situation isn’t easy to understand, for obvious reasons. As far as I think I know, I’m somehow alive despite getting blasted in the head. If I’m not dying in a street right now in a state of complete delirium, then this must somehow be real, though I doubt it. I’ll play this right though, and make sure that even if this is all some dream, I’ll lie as low as possible. But look at what the fuck I’m dealing with! I swear, this stuff is not what I ever had in mind when I thought about what Hell would be like.

But, I gotta admit, at least I’m keeping myself entertained despite all of this. That doctor was fun to mess with, and I pretty much guilted him into fixing up this chicken-thing up. Oh man, the look on his face when I brought that thing in. Priceless. I played him easy and the guy was about to start snivelling until he did his job. Left a bit later beside the orange pony and now I’m walking with the cockatrice in my arms, which now reminds me that I still needed to get my suit fixed too. So it was with a weighted heart (because my suit was still messed up), that I put down the cockatrice and stared at it for a second.

“Well, get out of here, you little jackass.” It clucked several times, don’t really know what emotion it was pushing though. I looked over at orange pony, “Can we leave now and find some tailor?”

The pony looked back at the cockatrice as we walked away, “I know somepony in Ponyville that could fix up your clothing.” I hummed my approval until I noticed her staring at my clothes, at which point she spoke her mind, “Why do you wear that? Most ponies don’t wear clothes unless there’s a special occasion.”

“Uhh, because I don’t want to be arrested by cops? Last time, I checked, I wasn’t standing in Detroit, so I have to wear clothes.”

“You’ve been to Detrot?”

I gave a her look and shook my head, “No.”

We continued like that, going back and forth with questions as we followed the trail to some town nearby. I had to admit, it was like talking to a real person the whole walk. It wasn’t until we reached the near outskirts that I asked a question I should have asked a long time ago, especially to the person (pony, whatever the hell it is) that saved my life.

I stopped and looked at her, “Hey, what did you say your name was?”

She stopped, flashed a smile and continued walking, “I never said it.”

Catching up quick, I walked beside her, “Hilarious. I just thought I’d learn the name of the person that saved me. Or pony, actually.”

“So, I’m your hero, then?”

I frowned, “Sure, whatever.”

I had to admit, that smile was cute. She stopped and held out a hoof, “Carrot Top, Ponyville’s only farmer dedicated to all vegetables orange.”

“Nice to meet you, Carrot Top. You wouldn’t happen to be related to the comedian?”

“Who?”

I took her hoof and shook it, “Never mind.” She looked at me expectantly before I realized what she was waiting for, “Oh. Name’s Lyor Coleman, Boston’s most materialistic man. Mostly deal in the less savory things now than what I’d consider an actual job, but it helps pay for the best of stuff.”

Carrot Top looked confused, “... I’ve never heard of any of ‘Boston’ before.”

“I figured. Anyway, where are we again?”

She explained some things as we walked in, along with other topics. Man, she seriously knew her shit on vegetables. Like, no joke, this chick was actually pretty educated on all sorts of farming things like irrigation and moisture and a bunch of other bullshit I don’t understand (I nodded through most of that stuff). So, this town that looks like something straight out of a kid’s movie is called Ponyville. Just thought you should know, seeing as though no one else probably knows either. Anyway, according to this gal, I was now in a country called Equestria, which was surrounded on three sides by land, and one water, which apparently made a really nice stretch of land for real estate.

Ruled by two princesses, yada yada bullshit, et cetera, et cetera. I don’t think you really need to know any of this, actually. Moving on, she explained her ass-tattoo which is given the most incredibly masculine name of Cutie Mark. Only god knows who the hell came up with that one. Came to no surprise that she mentioned the male population of Equestria was slightly lagging behind the female one, though only for these ponies. She mentioned other races as having different ratios, but I honestly didn’t care one bit.

After passing through the entrance of the town, I began to notice that everyone was a pony. I mean, I should have seen that coming, but you don’t really bother considering it until you realize that you’re the only person: walking on two legs, that’s tall, actually looks good. Last one was necessary, don’t hate.

As we passed by random ponies going about their days, things began to get weird. Mixed reactions, mostly. Everything from flirty to horrified were on faces directed at us. Hell, some of them just sped away into their homes, dragging their valuables like doormats and children in with them. It was kind of funny to see their reactions, but a good amount of them just stayed and went about their day as usual when the novelty of seeing something they never saw before wore off. What fun that was.

It didn’t take long before we got through the town that I seriously underestimated in terms of size. Really, the place is pretty big. Anyway, we got to this freaky looking building that I can’t describe past ugly and white. I swear, half of the buildings here are just something concocted by a kid or something. A knock on the door was provided on my part and the damn thing flew open a second later. There was nothing at the door.

“Wow... What are you?”

I looked down to see a... can’t remember what they’re called, but a child-version of a horse. It was whitish, two-tone hair, and a bunch of other boring features not worth mentioning. It had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and it was beyond creepy. Seriously.

“A customer,” I said, pushing my way in and past the pony. I stood in a circular room with a bunch of even creepier mannequins and decided to call out something, “HELLO?” I looked back at the white pony, “Are you the tailor?”

She shook her head, “Nope, but I can get her!”

The kid zipped off and left me with Carrot Top, who rolled her eyes and settled next to me. I heard some hushed whispers from another room and kept patient. A picture captured my attention for just a moment, and it was pretty interesting. A second later, another white pony walked out, this one looking an ass-load more elegant. Purple mane that was primp and proper, immaculate coat, and eyes that were some kind of blue. I couldn’t be assed to figure what color, though.

As soon as her eyes landed on me, she practically bolted in my direction, with a god-awful amount of random objects floating around her using magic or something. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but she was moving around me quick, checking out every part of my suit. Her expression was a bit dampened when she noticed all the scuffs, dirt, dried blood, and tears, which I could assume mattered because she was the one who cleaned it in the first place.

Stopping, she took a step back and looked at me from head to toe, “Darling, do you have an appreciation for fashion?”

Duh. “Of course, who wouldn’t? That’s why a good amount of money goes into my clothing.”

“I can tell!” She exclaimed, smiling, “Though I must know! What happened?”

Carrot Top cut in before I could explain, “He saved me from a bunch of Diamond Dogs and was roughed up a little.”

The fashion pony looked a bit humbled but quickly regained her previous demeanor, “Well, it’s good to see that you’re both safe. After all, safety must come first.” She held out her hoof, “Rarity, sir.”

I wanted to burst out laughing at the “sir” part, but forced myself to keep a straight smile, “Lyor Coleman, madam. Now, what can we do about this?” I asked, gesturing to my seriously messed up suit and shoes.

“Oh, I can have that fixed up in a moment. But,” Rarity suddenly turned serious, “I must know... What material was used to make that suit?”

I lifted an arm and stared at it, practically seeing the animal that produced such incredible cloth, “It was sheared from an animal called a vicuña. Expensive stuff, like, really expensive.”

“I hope you don’t find me rude for asking, but how many bits did you pay for this suit of yours?”

“I don’t use bits where I’m from, but roughly translated into U.S. dollars, this suit by itself cost around seventy-thousand dollars.”

I don’t know how these bits translated into U.S. dollars, but I assume that anyone who pays that many of anything for a single suit would come off as either retarded or extremely arrogant. Both their jaws dropped, probably because they were surprised anyone would spend that much money on anything.

Carrot Top blinked, shaking her head a few times, “That... That sounds like a lot of bits.”

Yep. Who could blame me though? This thing was probably the most comfortable set of clothing I’ve ever worn and it was just amazing to feel on the skin. For freaky camel things, those vicuña made some awesome fiber.

Rarity regained her composure after a quick breath, “Well... I didn’t think I was working with such costly material. I’ll be sure to be as delicate as possible with the suit, assuming you want it fixed and cleaned, that is.”

I nodded, “Yeah, I’d appreciate it. How much would it cost along with the shoes?”

The posh pony looked me over once more, a hoof to her chin and eyes squinted. She continued this for a bit longer, checking out my back a bit longer than I thought normal. That and I heard both of them giggling. I shrugged, not even caring. Rarity came back around, hiding an obvious smile.

“I think fifty bits is a fair price, don’t you think? I will have to replicate any lost material through magic along with cleaning it.”

Now, I’m not exactly the worst guy in existence, but I can be pretty bad at times. Especially so if opportunity dangles itself in front of me, much like it did when I changed my life. Moving on, when the opportunity of getting some gold coins of all things was right there, I took it, much like how I took those coins from the doctor when he wasn’t looking and much like how I keep repeating the phrase “much like.” Now, I didn’t count it out, but I figured a doctor wouldn’t need a sack of coins much, what with how much he probably gets paid. So, it came to Carrot Top’s surprise when I pulled out a small pouch of these “bits” and placed it on the table. I quickly tallied up fifty and pushed it into a pile, where they were taken by Rarity’s magic and put into a cash register a few meters away.

Rarity nodded professionally, “Now, darling, I’d like you to strip from the suit so I can tidy it up.”

Easy peasy. “Alright, got a box for my stuff? I carry a few things and I’d rather keep them in a container.”

“Of course!” The pony trotted into another room, looking back, “I’ll be just a moment, dear.”

Huh. Well, at least I was getting this stuff cleaned and fixed. Even though I haven’t figured out any actual goals (which I probably should), I’ve already taken care of one thing that was absolutely necessary.  Carrot Top prodded me with a hoof, getting my attention.

“Where did you get those bits?” She asked curiously.

“Found them.”

“Where?”

“Inside the doctor’s coat.”

There was a moment of silence shared between us as we stared into each other’s eyes, waiting for some kind of reaction. She probably thought I was joking until it actually became pretty obvious that I wasn’t lying.

She shook her head, “I can’t believe I saved a criminal.”

That was a bit offensive, “I’m not a criminal, I’m an opportunist.”

Before the orangey pony could retort, the marshmallow came back. I began dumping random things I kept on my person at all times in the plastic bin, which included: A stiletto, cocaine, painkillers, a gun, a watch, an Earth, Wind and Fire cassette tape, several different needles, a bedazzled wallet, random jewelry, a fancy corkscrew, three disposable cellphones, a PDA with GPS, a few business cards, car keys for a BMW, a flashlight, some raw sugar packets, and lastly, a bundle of documents for fake identities.

After finishing up, taking off my shoes and suit, the ponies gave me odd looks, “What?”

Carrot Top looked like she was about to laugh, “Who carries that much stuff with them? I’ve never heard of anypony doing that.”

“I’m one in a few billion,” I replied, smirking. “Can’t ever be too careful, though. Have something for every situation in case things don’t go as planned.”

Rarity took a breath, “I’m sure you have your reasons, Mr. Lyor. Now please, I must get to work on this and several orders. I’ll be sure to send somepony to find you when it’s ready.”

“There’s a problem, Miss Rarity. I’m pretty much only wearing my underwear right now.”

It was true. I was only wearing a pair of boxer-briefs, my socks, an undershirt and that kevlar vest that was a bit used, obviously. I mean, these ponies didn’t wear clothing as far as I knew, but what of a decent guy like me? I can’t just go around walking half-naked, because I’m classy like that.

In a flurry of white, that pony pretty much did all she needed to measure me, however uncomfortable it may have been. Seriously though, it bordered on violating. Moving on from acting like a bitch, Rarity went up a staircase, only to come back a few minutes later with a very intricate pair of black pants. Jewelled in a few places, the damn thing had orange flames running up the pant legs and a bunch of other random decals I seriously would never wear. What in god’s name was she thinking?

I think should could tell how apprehensive I was, “You don’t like it, do you?”

“It’s... different...” Carrot Top was holding back snickers as I tried to save the situation, “And... I’m sorry, I just can’t stand what you made. It’s like something for a kid or something. I’m in my thirties, not my teens.”

“I see...” She muttered, scrutinizing the pants. “One moment!”

She went right up the stairs and came back within a minute, a pair of plain, black dress pants. I threw them on along with the shoes, citing my reason as “I’m not going outside without them, I’ll clean them later.” Rarity protested, but I stood my ground and thanked her, and she repeated that she would send someone after us later for the suit. After saying our goodbyes, both me and Carrot Top left and started heading around the town without any actual destination.

Luckily, I snagged a hand-mirror to check myself out from my pile of junk in the bin, which proved to be useful for more than just that. Out of the corner of the mirror, I saw something on a cloud, something colorful. It quickly hid back in the cloud, but I took note of its position, just in case. I looked at Carrot Top and she rolled her eyes at my self-absorbed antics.

“You know,” I started, “I’m pretty good at seeing the future.”

“Really?” She raised a brow, “Why don’t I believe you?”

I chuckled and put the mirror in the box, which I set down, “You shouldn’t, because I’m joking. But! Watch this.”

Taking off the bandages on my arm, I wrapped them on my left fist, raising it along with my arm out to my side.

“What are you doing?” She asked in confusion, tilting her head to the side cutely.

“You’ll see,” Was my only reply.

It took a good few moments, but exactly what I expected (I’ll explain how later) turned out to happen. A pink blur slammed right into my fist, sending it straight to the floor. My mirror was now firmly in my hand as the bin was placed down, and then I begrudgingly put it down too. I counted a few breaths, then turned slightly to my right, hooking my hand behind something, pulling forward, and altering its course of flight. The head that was originally going to crash into me was sent right on top of the pink mess and a series of groans were shared in between.

“Sweet Celestia...” muttered Carrot Top. “You knew that was coming, didn’t you?”

“There was a picture in Rarity’s house of this one,” I pointed to the pink pony, “tackling her. The other over here was spying on me for a bit in the clouds, and I felt like she’d try something eventually.”

I looked back down at the two offenders to see they were pretty damaged. The pink one’s muzzle was bloodied bad and looked a bit messed up. Other than that, she seemed fine, though I disregarded the waterfall of tears. The other... she was worse off. She was probably suffering from a concussion right about now and her face had its share of red on it too, contrasting with the light blue. One of her wings looked like it was really bugging out in a weird position, but unfortunately, I wasn’t given a chance to scrutinize either further before what I assume to be the equivalent of a cop showed up. I hate cops. In case you didn’t know, that is.

“What’s going on here?!” He looked at the mares, then to me, “Who are you?!”

I pointed an accusing finger to the two ponies in the pile, “Officer, arrest these two for assaulting me, intent to murder, sexual harassment.”

“Sexual harassment?” He looked me over, and smiled creepily, “I could understand why they would... Anyway, would you mind staying? I need everypony’s accounts.”

I sat on the plastic bin and rested my chin on a fist, “Right here, officer.”

The cop or guard or whatever the hell he was went over to the two mares and read them their charges. The crowd of ponies that I didn’t even notice until now was slowly coming apart, which I was thankful for. Carrot Top though, she seemed like she was having the time of her life. Giggling, snickering, all types of shit. One arm was covering her eyes as she fell onto her back, holding in the noises you’d hear with someone wanting to desperately laugh.

“What’s so funny?” I asked dryly.

She sat upwards, smiling warmly, “Goddesses, I haven’t laughed like that in a while... Do you know what you just did?” I shook my head. “You’re about to get two of the Elements of Harmony arrested for bogus charges.”

“Hey! You saw her! She was about to attack me!”

“Or invite you to a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party, like Pinkie Pie usually does.”

Well, shit. Definitely not what I was expecting. Which reminded me...

“Oh, is it that time again?”

I pulled the zip-bag full of coke out and a fake ID along with it, which let me quickly line some up on my arm. A quick snort-snort, and bam, feeling good again. I would probably end up needing more later anyway, so might as well get some in my now before the side-effects set in. What extreme fun, right?

Right.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and leaned my head back a bit, blinking a few times. While I was doing so, the cop came back and looked at my funny.

He scratched his head, “What was that you just did? Some kinda medicine?”

You couldn’t believe how hard it was to hold back from laughing in his face, but I did, “... Yeah, medicine for my sinuses. Specially prescribed for me.”

He somehow managed to snap his hoof in disappointment, “Darn, mine were acting up like crazy, but can’t break the rules and share medicine if it’s meant for only one pony.” What an idiot. “Anyway, I just need your deposition of what happened here, then I’ll drop these two off at the hospital.”

“Where should I start?” I asked, sitting back down. “It’ll shock you man, I’ll tell you that much.”

He flipped open a notepad and pulled a pencil out from only god know’s where, “How did you know Miss Pie was going to assault you?”

“I saw a picture in the house of a Miss Rarity that showed the pink one tackling someone else to the floor. I wasn’t about to let that happen to me.”

“Well...” He looked unconvinced for a moment but simply shrugged, “I suppose that’ll work as self-defense. And what of Miss Dash?”

“Oh yeah, the lesbian, right?” Dead silence. “... Anyway, I saw her in my mirror when I was walking around, and she was spying on me, so I assumed she was going to try and either mug or attack me. When she came at me once I defended myself from the other, I just threw her to the ground.”

The stallion scoffed, “You can’t believe how common it is for her to slam into random ponies under the guise of ‘trying tricks.’ If she can do a Sonic Rainboom, you’d think she’d be able to control herself during a few tricks.” What was this guy even on about? “Anyway, your testimony seems to check out for now, and I’ll send for somepony if needed. Have a good day.”

The damn guy just waltzed off after that. Good. He seemed like a real schmuck. At least he used that stupid horn on his head to take away those two ponies on the ground. All in all, that was a fun experience. For me, at least. Carrot Top just shrugged it off a bit quicker than I expected. In fact, I noticed she was giving some pretty mean looks towards those two. If I had to guess why, it would be cause we were having a really good conversation. Or she hates them. Who knows? Maybe crazy shit like this happens pretty often and she’s used to it by now, though I honestly doubt much happens in some rural backend of some country.

Now that all that had calmed down, some interesting thoughts set in. As much as I hated to admit it, all of this felt all too real. The idea of snapping and going crazy jumped in my mind, but throughout my life, I learned that doing stuff like that is only counterproductive. That and you should take those feelings and drown them in material things along with alcohol or drugs. So... If this happened to actually be really happening... that meant I was in some unknown land full of what seemed to be a bunch of “ponies” that had some seriously funky color schemes. To add to that, they functioned just like people.

Weird.

I think I’m going to dislike this experience. Like, a lot. And right about now, I’m going to have to find a way back to goddamn Kuala Lumpur. At least there I had some cozy living until those jackasses showed up with their guns. The thought that they even did something like that just infuriates me to no end, but I calmed down before Carrot Top noticed. Speaking of her...

She seems kind of nice. Courteous, casual, and classy. Thank god she’s not a snob or some know-it-all or try-hard. Hate those. Not only did she save my life, but she’s damn friendly and hasn’t asked a thing in return. Sounds like a team-player to me. Shit, what am I even going on about right now? Something’s gotten into me, but like all weird feelings, they too can be unhealthily buried down somewhere inside of you. How convenient. Good thing she doesn’t reciprocate those feelings...

At least, I hope not.

I looked to the mare in question, “So, what now?”

“You sorta beat up two other ponies and now you’re just asking what to do now?” she asked blankly. I nodded. “There really isn’t much to do to Ponyville other than seeing the sights, but I could just introduce you to my roommate. That would kill some time.”

“Sure, I just want to get out of the streets.” I muttered, watching as ponies walked by, staring at me.

Carrot Top rolled her eyes, “Forget about them. They just like seeing new things every now and then, so they’ll be looking out for you for a few days.”

A few days? I’m planning on getting the hell out of here as soon as possible, A.K.A. way before that. But I didn’t say a thing and just nodded my head again. Sometimes it’s just easier to do that instead of actually answering. So I got up, grabbed my box, stuck it under my shoulder, and motioned for her to lead the way, which she happily did with a smile. Damn, everyone seems pretty decently happy. Eh, I could be more, but I’m not going to bother with trying. I just want to get my mind off of whatever the hell is happening to me right now.

As we’re walking to some place, she tried making small talk, “So, Lyor, right? What did you say you did before you were in the hospital?”

My eyes looked around while maintaining conversation, “Just arms dealing. It makes friends, enemies, and money. I’m just surprised I’m still alive at this point. It’s a very tricky business.”

“Arms, though? Like, swords and stuff?”

I gave her an “are-you-serious” look laced with amusement but just smiled it off, “Yeah. Swords and stuff like that. I made good money though. That was probably the only perk to it. Anyway, what do you do?”

“I’m somewhere between a gardener and a farmer. I’m not a hick like those Apples though... I just don’t have enough space to actually have a farm, only a really large backyard.”

Hmm. The type of girl that actually provides for herself and has a trade. You don’t see many of those these days. My experience was that a gold-digger will come up to you and try to hustle something from you at any chance possible, but hey, if a guy is stupid enough to let that happen, he probably deserves to have his money taken like that. Though, she doesn’t seem anything like that at all. Respectable.

“Sounds like honest, clean work. Must be rewarding to grow your own food and stuff."

“Oh, it definitely is. Plus, it makes money on the side because of selling everything else at the market.”

I hummed in approval and continued walking, “So, got any f-”

I stopped moving right there and then, unfortunately not of my own choice though. A purple-reddish aura covered in an instant, rooting me in place. Well, shit. I turned my head to see another one of those damn unicorns coming up to me with this huge-ass smile. That’s so incredibly creepy. This one was... hell, purple maybe? Lavender, something. Ew. It had some kind of emo, goth hair too. A darker purple with a magenta stripe going through? No thanks. Why do people have to find a way to make themselves unique through looks? Shit is ridiculous.

The unicorn trotted up quick, a stupidly big smile on her face as she looked up at me, “Sweet Celestia, a real human! In Ponyville of all places!”

I was not going to enjoy this encounter.

At all.

Author's Notes:

Unfortunately, I'm not dead yet, despite how much all of you are probably hoping for that. Anyway, here's the chapter, etc., etc.. Enjoy it, blah, blah, blah, other miscellaneous bullshit, etc.. Can't give even a vague sense of when the next chapter is coming out, but as usual, assume it's "Soon" in terms of Valve Time.

To satiate your hunger for this stuff, have a brief chatlog I saved from between me and Lucius:

[7:23:02 PM] Lucius: Another time nigga
[7:23:14 PM] Stillmatic: Geez bro
[7:25:10 PM] Lucius: Too tired
[7:25:21 PM] Stillmatic: Go to sleep
[7:25:32 PM] Lucius: Got shit to do
[7:25:41 PM] Stillmatic: Then do it!
[7:25:52 PM] Lucius: Too tired
[7:25:58 PM] Stillmatic: Then go to sleep
[7:26:27 PM] Lucius: Got shit to do
[7:27:26 PM] Stillmatic: Then do it!
[7:28:57 PM] Lucius: Too tired!
[7:29:03 PM] Lucius: DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING PARADOX
[7:29:17 PM] Stillmatic: Nope
[7:29:18 PM] Lucius: ITS AN INFINITE LOOP
[7:29:23 PM] Stillmatic: Then go to sleep!

Anyway...

As Always,

Stay Trilla.

Edit: Did not realize how much errors I had with this before posting. Fuck. Will try to fix it as soon as I can.