The room was dark. Mr. Ears was tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth. From my own seat, I stared at him.
“This isn’t going to go well for you,” I said. “I assume you know who I am?”
He nodded, a little fear creeping into his face.
“What you may not know is that I’m the normal Valiant. I’m even less pleased to be here than usual. I used to be a guy, and finding myself in some kind of gender-flipped version of Equestria pisses me off.” I stared hard at him. “I’m going to take that out on you unless you cooperate. Capiche?”
He nodded again and I removed the gag. “All right. Who is the Eight Legged Freak?”
“I don’t know.”
I rolled my eyes. “I just went to the trouble of explaining why you shouldn’t jerk me around.”
“I’m just in business with ELF. I don’t know who it is.”
ELF. Cute. I sighed. “Well, at least give me some clues. I’m kind of violent when I want to be.”
“Go to Sweet Apple Acres and talk to Big Macintosh,” Mr. Ears told me. “That is literally the only clue I have.”
“That’s not much of a clue at all.”
He shrugged. “ELF is interested in the farm, and I think the two of them have spoken.”
“All right. Now for my other questions. What do you know about the Crystal King, or robots?”
“Nothing.”
I’m no Element of Honesty, and couldn’t tell if he was lying. Regardless, I picked up a pair of cymbals Pinkie had lent me and crashed them together very close to his head. He was still complaining of ringing in his ears as I left for the farm.
Even as a mare, Big Mac was freaking huge. I said. “Hey, I’m here to ask you about ELF.”
She gave me a blank look. I prompted, “The Eight Legged Freak?”
Mac shrugged. “Traded letters. Somethin’ about revenge.”
“Revenge for what?”
“Didn’t say. Sounded crazy.”
“Do you still have the letters?”
“Eenope. Used ‘em for tinder.”
Well, my last hope for learning more about the mysterious ELF had gone up in smoke—literally. I turned away. Mac called me back. “Ah heard you keep secrets for ponies.”
I eyed her. “I guess so. It’s been a while since I met anyone who asked me to.”
“Well, this has nothin’ to do with yer Eight Legged Freak, but Ah’m a werewolf.”
I blinked. “Okay.”
She sighed. “Whew, feels good to get that off my chest. Here, have an apple.”
Well, that was strange. I wondered if it was specific to Universe 63, or if Big Mac was just a werewolf everywhere. Eh, I had bigger fish to fry. It made me sad that this wasn't the strangest thing that had happened to me in the past few days.
I walked back to Ponyville eating the apple and thinking. I encountered Cheerilee on the way. Strange as it was to see the male version of Cheerilee, he was still a vampire. I gave him a reasonably wide berth, but he wanted to talk instead of merely glaring daggers at me.
“Princess Luna thinks he may have discovered something important related to the Eight Legged Freak.”
“Say ELF,” I told him. “It saves time.”
Ignoring me, he said, “Get back to the library. This is going to be important.”
I certainly hoped so. As I continued on into town, a lawyer crossed my path. “Hey there young lady, the name’s Crispy. You look like you could use professional legal services.”
“One, I’m not a lady,” I said. “Two, go crawl back under the rock you came from before I murder you in unpleasant but innovative ways.”
He laughed. “Sorry, must have gotten off on the wrong hoof. My business is in food services. I’m a restaurant lawyer.”
“A restaurant lawyer?” I asked. “What, did you pass the bar and grill exam? I told you before, I’m not interested. I don’t even own a restaurant.”
“I’m here about the tequila,” he said. “You produce that, correct?”
I had figured out how to ferment and distill grain alcohol, but had been unable to find agave to produce my favorite hard beverage. “What do you mean?”
“You’re the only pony that I’ve ever heard of that can grow the right plant in order to make it,” he said.
Strange, I couldn’t do that in the usual universe. Girl-me is so cool. I said to Crispy, “Give me your card and maybe I’ll get back to you.”
I left him there and continued on to the library. A sudden thought struck me. What if growing blue agave for tequila is my version of earth pony magic?
Author Note:
Werewolf Big Macintosh credit to BaroqueNexus, as well as the idea that he and and Vampire Cheerilee team up. Somebody get Koolaid Man, because I don’t think I can OH YEAH that idea enough.