“Cordi! Cordi Cordi Cordi! Misa very happy to see you! Watch doing boppy?” Jar Jar Binks, the most annoying creature ever devised, poked his irritating face into the draconequus’s dark shelter.
Discord ran a clawed hand through his beard. Today was going to be a long day. And tomorrow. And tomorrow. And-
“Cordi! Weesa going to be the bestest of friendies! Cordi! Cordi? Why is youssa no listening to Jar Jar!”
He shunted his sunglasses further up his nose, doing the best to hide behind one of the few remaining things from home, Equestria. ‘Why do you need to be so far off. I am imprisoned in this absolutely-putrid realm-’
“Cardi! Cardi look at messa!” The call of the gungan made the Lord of Chaos want to hit something.
“Wessa in Purgatory together!” The excited gungan practically launched himself clumsily into the brooding draconequus.
‘Stuck with... him... and I have been robbed of my most wondrous powers. How am I supposed to defend myself from this... foul creature?' The chaos-lord confronted the Gungan. “Look, Jar Jar, my buddy, my-” he inhaled at the thought of his lie, “pal...” Any further talk was cut off by the exploding nuisance.
“Yousa and messa are buddies! Wohoo!” He proceeded to rush around the annoyed draconequus yelling his head off in joy. “Weesa gonna go see Slippy Toad!”
“No!” Discord flailed his arms onto the Gungan to no avail. It was hopeless; Purgatory effectively prevented any form of physical contact. “Actually Jar Jar, I was hoping I could have some free time.”
The nuisance cocked his head to one side, unable to believe his buddy would want to get rid of him so soon. “But if wessa are buddies, then youssa should want to spend time with messa.” Hope shone from the extended eyes.
Discord wished he could just teleport away to somewhere... anywhere... “Jar Jar, I have a surprise for you, but you must leave this very moment!”
With a jump for joy, the gungan eagerly headed for the door. “Meesa getting out of here! Cordi you are the bestest friend ever! In the whole galaxy! Woohoo!”
The door violently slammed shut, giving Discord a moment of brief piece. He flailed sweat off his forehead. ‘Now where was I... oh yes. Bored.’ Long moments stretched on for what seemed like an eternity. The draconequus idly flipped, spinning in slow circles as he attempted to find something better to occupy his mind. Defeated, he settled down once more and proceeded to flip through the pages of purgatory’s daily paper. “Blank page... blank page...” ‘Still,’ he thought, ‘it’s still better than Jar Jar’. “Huh?”
The latest blank page was in fact, not blank. Lines of chaotic mist shifted mysteriously across the surface of the page enticing it’s bored reader onward. Words formed. As did the crazy, grinning face of an old human.
Well... aren’t ye' a little bored in Purgatory? Could use a little MADNESS in yer' life? Well then, Ah am yer' Scottish representation of an immortal, all-powerful entity! The grinning face in the ad held immediate appeal for Discord who couldn’t help but stare at it in mild disbelief. He continued to page through the ad as more lines appeared, drawing him onwards, reeling him in like a fish on a hook.
Anyways... where was Ah... ah don’t have an eternity, oh wait... yes ah do! Anyways, if you choose to work for me, the Daedric Prince of Madness, I shall provide you with plenty of MADNESS, a wide variety of chaotic powers, the right to troll any and every sentient in the multiverse... oh... and access to quality and affordable health insurance. All of these are your’s, if... and only if... ya’ give me your soul.
The text flared into a greedy red mist that begged the draconequus to submit.
“Never!” Discord slammed the pages across his desk. “I will never give up my soul! Never!”
The dark power of the pages continued to beckon. He knew that if he remained in the room, his usual chaotic mindset would deteriorate into madness and he would have no choice to submit to whoever had found him.
Fuming, he addressed the pages, “That’s it! I’m going to make something for myself in Purgatory!”
The Chaos-Master slammed his door shut and slithered out. His steps paced slowly and quietly in hopes to avoid the worst the multiverse could offer. A sinister and vile creature that drove fiery spikes of pain into the hearts of millions of humans. A creature that couldn’t possibly be avoided at any cost...
“Cordi!” The overjoyed voice of his worst nightmare rang out, retching all remaining joy from the draconequus’s soul.
“Jar Jar... I haven’t found your surprise yet... I’ll get it ready... just... leave me-” the angry harbinger of chaos turned to face his hated foe only to be cut off by further explosions of unwanted joy.
“Cordi! Cordi! Cordi!”
The dam burst, unable to contain his anger at the single worst thing that had ever happened to George Lucas’s masterpiece, Discord unleashed his pent up anger upon the poor gunagan. “LEAVE ME AND THE STAR WARS TRILOGY ALONE!”
“Okie-dokie Cordi! Meesa gonna go away for a while. Messa is going to go play with Scrappy Doo.” The boundless energy of the swamp dweller was undeterred by the draconequus's rage.
Jar Jar bounded happily off, still unaware of his buddy’s fury.
“Ugh...” Discord shuttered at the thought. Purgatory’s inhabitants left something to be desired.
He scurried through the two square of Purgatory. Being Purgatory, there were little objects to interact with. Only a few chairs and a fountain that housed the tears of disappointed fandoms. In the distance, a holographic child strolled through the endless whites.
“Oh hi Discord,” an alien creature spoke in an incomprehensible accent. “Anyway, how is your sex life?”
“THAT’S IT! FREE ME FROM THIS PRISON! TAKE MY SOUL! TAKE ANYTHING! JUST GET ME AWAY FROM TH-”
“Ah... Discord... please... have a seat... an' some chocolate-covered chicken,” the crazed southern Scottish voice of the Daedric Prince of Madness echoed throughout the room. Discord shook himself. ‘That was the strangest teleport I’ve ever done...’ His eyes adjusted to the poor lighting of his surroundings and he spotted a figure sitting alone in a chair. Unnatural mist hangs in the air, wetting the pelt of the once free chaos lord.
Discord sized up the creature. The strange human was sitting at a table enjoying some sort of meal. The mysterious creature beckoned to the newly summoned draconequus to sit and join in the served food. At the promise of real nourishment, Discord couldn’t help but seat himself across from the stranger who appeared to pay him no attention.
“A human? I thought... how do you have so much power?” Discord stared deep into the eyes of the mysterious figure.
“Human? Nah. I’m beyond such classifications. I’m actually an immortal spirit. I’m also a communist, a coupon-cutter, and a fan of recent fashion trends. The names Sheogorath. This here’s Pelagius the Mad.” At the introduction of a second being, Discord noticed that there was in fact a second strange human shaped creature suddenly at the table. He stared at him in disbelief, ‘I thought only I was supposed to do that sort of thing.’ A smile crossed the draconequus’s features ‘okay. You have impressed me. Let's see what you do next.’
Sheogorath attended to his unique meal ignoring the two beings he had summoned into his presence. Discord allowed himself to join in and together the three share a brief meal.
Sheogorath broke the silence wearing an evil grin of appreciation. “Ye’ know... Ah like you.” He pauses for effect. “Where are ya’ from? What realm do ya’ call home? What’s the rent like? Is there plenty of beings to torment?”
“Equestria...” Discord hung his head in shame. “I am banished from the realm...”
“More like encased in stone. Don’t ye worry. Ah’ave seen plenty of yer type to know what that feels like. Oh wait. I don’t. You do!” He laughed at himself in a way that made Discord feel envious. Here is he, the lord of chaos getting out done in some far away universe by an immortal freak. “I bet ya’ don’t even know how to create... MADNESS! I could easily do yer job!” The stranger propped both feet up on the table taking an utterly relaxed stance while demonstrating his point with his arms.
“No! It’s not that easy! There are six magical ponies in bright colors that defeated me through friendship!”
A few seconds of silence followed... before an explosion of laughter echoed through the dining room. Discord’s previous feelings of goodwill vanished under the torrent of abuse his ear drums suffered. Pelagius knocked Discord in a bullying-manner and teleported away.
“Sounds like all ye were doin’ was introducing a littl’ discord and they brought harmony to yer rain. I’d say I’d be disappointed in ya’. What you need is madness. Complete and utter MADNESS!”
Discord nodded in agreement. Madness certainly seemed like a far more powerful source of power.
“Right... fetch me my GPS...” Sheogorath commanded as if the mighty draconequus were but his slave.
“GPS?”
“Actually it’s a UPS. Not the postal thingy either. Universal Positioning Service.” The Daedric Prince of madness corrected himself, wearing a thoughtful look upon his ancient face.
“What...”
“Just get me that thing over there!” Sheogorath fetched the UPS and entered Equestria as a coordinate. “Right... let’s go. Be ready...”
Flash!
They appeared in front of a stunned looking Celestia who stared at the impossible sight before her.
“Discord! And some human! What are your schemes now?” she addressed the draconequus in a regal, commanding tone.
“Oh Celestia... I have teamed up with this gentleman. And we’re going to bring MADNESS to this realm, and there is nothing you can do about it!”
Discord motioned with his misfit hands, delighted at the prospect of revenge through madness.
“Discord... you are foolish. My magic is beyond measure...” Her horn conjured several spells and began to face Sheogorath. “Whoever you are, allying with Discord is a foolish mistake, and you will pay for it! This is my land, and these are my subjects! You will fall before they are harmed! I am Celestia, Alicorn of the Sun, and this is my realm!”
“Does it look like ah’ care?” A staff appeared in the ancient hands of the madman. He grinned his mad challenge. With a twitch of his wrist he pointed his stunty staff at the princess. “I think its time that ye experienced... the WABBAJACK!”
Celestia felt a spell of alien power twists into her nerves. Her own spell vanished, leaving her feeling drained as if she had flown all day. The evil sensation overtook her physical body, however, her mind quickly became steady once more. It was not over.
The pure white Alicorn placed her hooves firmly upon the stone floor, ready to face her foes down once more. But something didn’t feel right. She glanced down and became slack jawed, staring down at herself in shock. Her slim, ancient form was wrong. Her body felt and looked more muscular as if it belonged to a royal stallion. In disbelief, she threw her hooves against her cheeks, feeling a foreign texture.
“What!” she cried in a deep bass roar.
“No... no... that weren't supposed ta’ happen...” Sheogorath knocked his staff several times.
Discord was beside himself with laughter at the dumbfounded look worn by the royal Stallion who stood before them, too shocked to retaliate. He reflexively reached into unreal space and conjured into being a big bag of popcorn. Upon realising what he had just accomplished, the lord of dissension teleported a few feet backwards in surprise. ‘I have my powers back. I really. Have. Them. Back...’
He teleported to the madman’s side once more and scooped up the fallen goodies with renewed magic.
“I didn’t know you would restore my power.”
“Not now. Not now. Can’t ye see Ah am a tad busy.” Sheogorath kept his focus upon his strange device that appeared to channel his powers.
“Hm... yes... here we go!” Another blast impacted the gender-blended alicorn. “Yes.. but it could be better...”
“She has... he has antlers...” Discord was humbled at the talent of his new business partner.
“Have another! Or two! Or three!” The Daedra withdrew his staff and smiled softly. “It’s beautiful. And very fitting.”
An enlarged, white crustacean with multi colored claws angrily rushed forward. Sheogorath simply knocked it over with the tip of his shoe. “A mudcrab. I do say, quite fitting for her.”
The instant transformation caused Discord to look on in glee. ‘Chaos, no... utter MADNESS will be mine’ He snapped his pawed hand together, “I have the most brilliant of plans, your madness.” The draconequus cheered like a schoolyard colt.
The doors to the royal chambers crashed open, revealing several dozen iron-clad ponies. A sturdy unicorn stood above all and conjured a spell from his horn. “What have you done?” the leader questioned with the authority of royalty, failing to piece together the situation. “You will pay for your crimes!”
A tiny mudcrab migrated toward the newcomer like its life depended on it. The tiny, pearl white carapace retracted it’s figure and basked in the protection of the guards.
“Oh, ah’ know!” The madman cried out in glee. He waved his weapon towards the guards and opened fire, firing random spells of pandemonium at the startled defenders of the realm.
Shining Armour deployed a hasty defensive spell. The hazy wall of magic covered the group. Rogue spells from the wabbajack deflected against the outline of the barrier, bouncing off in random directions.
“A ward spell? Pony please...” Sheogorath grinned maniacally, clearly enjoying himself and continued to bolt magic forward for kicks and giggles.
The bolts of magic flew in every direction, breaking windows and warping walls. A potted plant became a victim as it’s leaves became multicolored and irregular. Discord bathed in the glory of the chaos as his partner in crime continued to blast all manner of warped spells at the shield the guards cowered behind. Sheogorath’s grin became even wider and he unleashed a yell accompanied by an extra large rainbow coloured bolt. It bounced off the ward and bounced back towards its caster. The Daedric prince of madness laughed in the face of his own spell and flashed out of existence. The rainbow of chaos flew on and impacted with the royal throne. The majestic feature immediately warped into a spiked pincushion.
An irresistible idea popped into Discord’s chaos filled head and he clapped his paws in glee. The draconequus vanished, only to reappear behind the shield right next to the defending unicorn. With an evil grin on his face Discord begun tickling the unicorn with a forepaw. He reached his clawed hand round and joined in, imbuing his ticking with dark magic. Shining Armour’s face contorted in concentration as he fought to maintain his defenses.
An accompanying guard lept forward, attempting to defend his commander. An extra large baseball bat appeared in Discords paw and he hit his attacker for a 6, continueing to tickle Shining with his feet. The stoic unicord strained under the pressure of maintaining his spell under the dual assault. A second unicorn jumped in to assist but Discord teleported to the opposite side of the defending pony and his attacker rammed into the commander forming a stallion pile.
The barrage from the wabbajack continued, breaking the last vestiges of defense and slamming into the two downed ponies. They vanished, leaving the remaining guards with looks of panic upon their faces. One bold pegasus charged through the barrage of chaos toward his hated foe Discord. The dancing draconequus pulled out a pink umbrella and acted as if he were dancing in the rain. He teleported around the flying assailant inviting him to a deadly dance to the end, or whatever it is that happens when you get hit by a blast from the Wabbajack.
The stallion picked his moment and roared with anger, making one last desperate assault. Discord chuckled with glee, planting himself directly in the path of an upcoming barrage. With a final delighted look upon his face the lord of chaos vanished and the unlucky pegasus found himself stuck in the streams of nightmarish magic that continued to escape from Sheogorath’s device of madness. Sounds of maniacal laughter filled the air as the insane man changed target. He aimed a burst at the dodging Discord who powered up his umbrella and began battling the incoming spells at the attacking ponies as if he were in some game. An incoming armoured knight sensed an opening and dived toward his target, a look of grim determination upon his face. He knew he could not hold out much longer. Suddenly a spell struck him square in the face and a scream rang out, accompanied by the laugher of the two lords of bedlam. The scream rose in pitch and became a light feminine one. Wearing a look of shock the stallion cut short his screech to gaze down at his well toned body that no longer fitted his masculine armour.
A second shot from the wabbajack collided with the surprised mare, shrinking her to the size of toad. Discord piped up, “My Madness, I have an idea!”
“Spew it mort- fellow immortal!” The humanoid corrected himself at the last moment, suddenly irate by the interruptions to his fun.
“Overcharge the wabbajack and we could gender-bend all of Equestria! Oh, the madness!” Discord twirled his arms in joy.
“Well... Ah'll need some juice for me wabbajack.” Sheogorath pointed the staff towards Celestia and began to siphon all of her magical energy out of her tiny, defenceless crustacean body. “Hmm... goddess of the sun... that gives wabbajack a power of... 1.21 gigawatts! Perfect!” His amplified voice rang out through the citadel.
He held up the wabbajack, twirling it expertly. “And... Here. We... GO!” All movement ceased. The wabbajack glowed ominously as its bearer held it high, victory written all across him crazy face.
It was as if time itself had frozen. The two trolling tricksters shared a grin as a burst of light engulfed the room. All throughout Equestria, every pony, foal and elder found their lives changed in an instant. Every creature big and small discovered they were different. Every filly became a colt and every stallion found himself a mare. It was reality-warping in it’s most simple and complex.
In Equestria, life stood frozen in shock. The only movement that followed was the retreat of two madness gods.