~~~~Twilight~~~~
It was just so sudden. I was too busy fumbling for words to notice her advance; Trixie’s kiss had taken me completely by surprise. I…I had never been kissed before. I didn’t know what to do or how to react. Reflexively, I returned the kiss; she'd just felt so warm. My mind was racing, but I knew that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t be kissing her, not before I could figure out how I felt about her. I pulled away. Trixie was blushing, but she looked surprised by my sudden move.
“I…I’m sorry.” I turned away, still struggling to form coherent thoughts. “I can’t.”
She didn’t say anything; a terrible silence fell. When I finally turned to face her, I wasn’t ready for what I saw. She was locked in the same position, save for a small river of tears that had traced a trail down her face. I took a deep breath before continuing.
“Trixie, I care a lot about you, but as a friend. You only came back a few days ago…I don’t know you that well yet. I…I’m not ready to date anypony right now.”
“I…Trixie supposes she shouldn’t be surprised by this.” Her voice wavered. “Trixie apologizes, she’s such an idiot that she…that she…”
“Trixie, you aren’t an idiot. This is just happening way too quickly for me…I’m sorry, but I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” Never had I felt as clueless as I did right then. I needed information, data, advice…anything.
“You don’t have to say anything; the Great and Powerful Trixie’s just fine. She didn’t…expect you to feel anything about her anyway. Forget I…she ever did that.” She began to break down in earnest as she turned and ran. “Trixie will be in her trailer, do not disturb her!”
“Trixie! I…" The door slammed, cutting me off. The library was silent. When I turned around, I caught sight of Applejack and Spike exchanging nervous glances. “AJ, do you think I…handled that badly?”
“Shucks, Sugar-cube, ah don’t know what to tell ya. Ah ain’t no expert on any kinda romance.” She smiled at me. “But ah think ya handled that as best ya could. Can’t lead the filly on if ya ain’t feelin’ it.”
“That’s the problem! I don’t know what I’m feeling, or if I should even be feeling it. Nopony has ever looked at me like that…I don’t know what the right answer is.”
“Sometimes there ain’t really a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer. Ya just got ta do yer best.”
“I hate questions without tangible answers. I wish I could just look up a solution.”
“I could look for romance advice books!” Spike chimed in.
“I don’t really know if that'll help, but thank you, Spike.” I returned my attention to Applejack. “What do you think I should do?”
“Ah just told ya; ah ain't one fer no love advice. Ah prolly woulda done just what you did and about as gracefully.” She shrugged. “Maybe ask somepony like Rarity?”
“Not a bad idea…but I think I could ask someone with more relevant experience. I’m going to head out for a while. Could you keep an eye on Trixie?”
“Can do, Sugar-cube. Ah’ll check in with her.”
I ran out into the fading light, hoping to track a certain somepony down.
~~~~Trixie~~~~
Well, that went well. Sobbing, I buried my face in my pillow. I couldn’t silence my own mind. I kept replaying the scene where she'd pulled away over and over. The look on her face…I had upset her, disgusted her. She could never love somepony like you.
“Shut up!” I yelled into the silence. I must have been going crazy; I was shouting at the voices in my own head.
Did you see her face? Priceless. Good job ruining everything. Hehehehahaha.
“I know. I’m absolutely terrible. She’ll never want to speak to me again after that…”
You’re right, but it’s okay. She’s much better off without somepony like you anyway. They're all much better off without the Great and Terrible Trixie.
“Why did I even bother coming here? Every time I try to do something right, it backfires; my magic isn’t really improving, and I’m ruining lives. This was the biggest mistake of my life…” I was being ridiculous, talking to myself like this.
Yes. Yes it was. I’m glad you finally understand that. Yet all is not lost…there is still a way to fix everything. You can make it all better.
“How is that even possible?” I started to think that I might be losing my mind. Here I was crying in the darkness, talking to myself. Yet, for some reason, it didn’t feel like those were my thoughts. I couldn’t place where they were coming from.
Disappear. Leave all your problems behind. The way is so simple too; all you need to do is to let me…
A knock at the door dispersed my thoughts. I didn’t want to see anypony, so I ignored it. The door was locked, so it didn’t matter…or I'd thought it didn’t. After a few more knocks and some shouts from Applejack, I heard something else: the sound of my door unlocking. I looked over in time to see a faint magenta glow open the door—but that was my magic color. I didn’t use any magic…did I? Don’t be rude. You have a guest.
“How ya holdin’ up, filly?” she asked as she entered.
I didn’t respond.
“That bad, huh?”
I hid my head beneath my pillow, not wanting her to look at me. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, yet I heard words escape me anyway. “Just go away. Leave me alone.”
“Ah ain’t goin’ nowhere, Trix.” I could hear her moving closer. “You sound terrible, sugar-cube. Ah’m here for you.”
“It doesn’t matter. Everything is ruined.” My words were barely audible through my pillow.
“That ain’t true.” She sat down on my futon. She felt warm. “You prolly jumped the gun a bit there, but that don't mean it’s ruined. Twi isn't the kind of filly you can rush like that; she ain’t too experienced with friends, let alone anythin’ romantic. She just needs some time to git her head straight.”
AJ’s voice was calm and caring; it made me feel a little better. My tears had stopped and I was starting to catch my breath. I was lucky to have someone like her…a friend like her. “What do you know anyway? Stop pretending to care and get out of here.” I hadn’t meant to say that. It had just slipped out; I didn’t mean any of it!
“Hey now, that was a little uncalled fer. I know you’re upset but ah’m just trying to help.”
I tried to apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out. My mouth was moving, but the words that issued forth weren't mine. I couldn’t stop it! “Then help by leaving me the hell alone. Get your nosy, red-neck ass out of my trailer. Now.”
“Trix, ya ain’t soundin’ like yerself.” She put a hoof on my shoulder. “Ah don’t plan on leaving ya alone, so ya can stop tryin’ ta push me away.”
I wasn't sure what happened next. I moved without planning to, jumping out of bed. The suddenness of the motion knocked Applejack over backward. I felt my horn charge with energy.
“I said ‘get out’!”
AJ lifted off the ground—I was levitating her! I had no time to process what was happening before she was unceremoniously tossed out of the trailer. I could hear the dull thud of her hitting the ground. My trailer door slammed shut and locked itself. Why was this all happening?!
Now if we are done being interrupted…
That voice sounded just like I did when I was yelling at AJ. I spun around and caught sight of myself in a mirror. Something was wrong with my reflection…my eyes were jet black.
~~~~Twilight~~~~
The sun had set by the time I succeeded in locating my friend. Most of the shops were closing down for the night, and the whole town always grew quiet after nightfall. It was something I had only grown accustomed to recently; Canterlot was as busy after dark as it was during the day. I was lucky to spot my would-be advisor as she flew home. I took a deep breath and called out to her…I knew this was going to be one awkward conversation.
“Rainbow Dash!”
She veered toward me and dived down, pulling up just in time to land gracefully. She always had to show off…like another pony I could think of. “Twilight? What’s up? Weren’t you and AJ busy hanging out with your new best friend?”
I chose to ignore her snarkier comments. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something…involving Trixie. You were the only pony I could think of for this…particular kind of advice.”
She rolled her eyes. “I thought I’d made it clear that my advice was to avoid her. That girl is trouble.”
I didn’t say anything; I just gave her a disapproving look. She looked like she wanted to say something more, but instead she gave an over-dramatic sigh. “Fine, although I don’t know what advice could I possibly have about her.”
“Well, um, you see…” My skills in articulation chose that moment to abandon me.
“Just spit it out already.”
“I was looking for…romance advice.” I felt my face flush as I finally managed to say it.
“Wait just a minute…why the hay would you come to me for that kind of advice?!” She looked utterly bewildered. “Shouldn’t you ask somepony more…more girly than me? Try Rarity. Heck even Pinkie Pie would be a better bet.”
“Well, yeah, maybe, but I thought you might have some more relevant advice. See, Trixie… well, she kissed me, and I have no idea what I should do or what I even should be feeling.”
“That’s great and all, but I still don’t get why you chose me.”
“We’re both mares.” I felt embarrassed having to explain it. While this sort of thing wasn’t really frowned upon, it still felt awkward for me to think about.
“So what’s your point?” She stared hard at me before a small look of recognition crossed her face. “Hey, wait a minute…are you getting at what I think you’re getting at?”
“I just wanted a first-pony account of things. I don’t really know how to tell if I, um, flow that way. I always assumed I would get a coltfriend, but now…I don’t know. How were you able to figure out that you...um...”
“That I like mares?” she finished for me. “For Celestia’s sake, why does everypony come to me looking for advice on that? Why does everypony assume I’m a fillyfooler?”
Here I'd thought my night couldn't get any more awkward. “I…I don’t know! I…um…”
“Well, I ain’t!”
“Sorry, I have no idea where the assumption came from. I just needed somepony to talk to about this. I didn’t mean to offend you,” I stammered, not sure I could make any of this sound better.
Rainbow gave another sigh and closed her eyes. “It’s fine, it happens—too dang much, but it happens. I don’t know what to tell ya, Twi. I’ve never been there with a stallion or a mare, so I’m not gonna be able to help much.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out. Thanks anyway.” I turned to leave.
“Look, just because I don’t like her doesn’t mean she’s all that bad…kay?” She shifted on her hooves. “If she’s that important of a friend to you, I’ll try to give her a shot. She really rubs me the wrong way, is all.”
After giving her a smile and a nod, I headed home. I kept my pace slow; I wasn’t sure what would be waiting for me when I arrived, and I still had nothing to go on. Life would be so much easier if everything were just written down somewhere. The only pony I could think of to ask was Rarity, and she had probably gone to bed by now. She was always one for her beauty sleep. I wasn’t even sure how I should be feeling. I liked Trixie just fine, but I hadn’t even considered anything like this until AJ had brought it up earlier. I’d read a few romance novels, but I had yet to even develop a crush on anypony. My friendship skills were improving, but I didn’t think I was ready to try for anything more…
As I was drawing close to the library (and a panic attack as well), my thoughts were scattered by a sudden grasp from behind me. After uttering a yelp of surprise, I realized that I wasn’t being assailed; I was being hugged. I had just been Pinkied.
“Good evening Twilight!” Pinkie Pie's sugary voice dispelled the silence. “I saw you walking and you looked kind of sad, so I thought to myself that I had to do something about it, so I snuck up on you and gave you a surprise hug! Hugs can help with any sadness, and surprise hugs are especially good…I thought about shouting ‘surprise!’ too, but maybe that would have been overdoing it. You feel better now, right?”
“A little, I suppose. Sorry, Pinkie, but I have a lot on my mind right now. I really have to sort something out.”
“What kind of sorting? I could always help you sort…are we reorganizing the library again?”
I couldn’t decide if her chipperness was making me feel better or just irritated. “Not that kind of sorting. It’s something I need to figure out, but I really don’t think you could help. I appreciate the concern, but…”
“How do you know I can’t help until you ask me? I bet I could help you figure it out…if you’re extra super lucky, I’ll even have a song ready to help you through.” She beamed at me, and I couldn’t help but smile a little too.
“Fine. To put it simply…well, somepony wants me to be their special somepony.” As I felt the heat return to my cheeks, I wondered if I would ever be able to talk about this without feeling so embarrassed. “The only thing is I don’t know how to feel about any of this. She’s really nice, but I don’t know her very well…and I don’t even know if I like…um, other mares.”
“Oh, is that all? Gosh, Twilight, you can sure be silly sometimes.”
“How is this silly? These are legitimate concerns!”
“I know that, but the answers aren’t all that hard to figure out.”
It frustrated me to no end when she was like this. How come she could be smart and so not all at the same time? “All right, I’ll ask; how do I figure it out?”
“I’m reeeeeeaaaally sorry Twilight.” She gave me a remorseful look. “But I don’t have a song ready for you yet…would you rather know tomorrow? I can have a song done by then!”
“That’s okay; I’ll just take the answer now.” My night had been long enough already.
“Well, how else do you get to know somepony better? You spend time with them! Spend more time together and keep an open mind, that’s all. Since you're friends anyway, just keep being friends and see what happens. Gee, Twilight, I thought you would be the one coming up with the smart advice. Since I was smart, maybe you should be bouncy; we can trade!”
“Um…what?” I shook my head. She was just being Pinkie Pie. “Well, most of that made sense, I guess.”
“You could bring her to a party! Oh oh! I could throw you a party that you could bring her to!” She was practically glowing. “You can become better friends at the party and while you do that, you can think about lovey-dovey stuff to see if you want to be all lovey-dovey or not.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Why did it pain me to admit that? “ I am a little worried about it being awkward between us but I suppose there isn’t any alternative.”
“And the party?”
“Sure, the party.” I laughed. “But how do I figure out the whole…both mares thing?”
“Same thing, silly. Keep an open mind and see how it goes. That’s what I did!”
“You mean you…um…like…er…”
“I like everypony; why would something as small as gender stop love?” Pinkie Pie was the drunken master of wisdom…I could never figure out how she comes up with all this. “So who’s the special-maybe pony? Is it somepony I know or a new friend or somepony new that's already a friend or…”
“Her name is Trixie…you might remember…”
“Oh! The one with the totally awesome magic show who came to town and brought a big ol’ bear with her! I remember that! Good times…”
“Yeah…so anyway, thanks. I do feel better. This is going to be tricky, but I think I’ll be able to handle it."
After watching Pinkie bound away, I trotted home. If only things were as easy as she made it sound.
~~~~Trixie~~~~
I think I screamed, or at least I tried to. What was wrong with my eyes? I brought a hoof up to them, but I realized something else was off; my reflection didn’t move as I did. Instead it seemed to be watching me from the mirror.
Come now, we have so much to discuss. You don’t want to screw up anything else, now do you?
My reflection was talking to me. I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted to run away so badly, but I had nowhere to run away to. I had already chased away most of the ponies who were trying to be my friends. My black-eyed reflection shifted impatiently. Its mouth moved, but I only heard its voice in my head.
It isn’t polite to stare. Are you even listening to me?
The voice in my head chilled me. Just how long had I been hearing it? Months? Years? I levitated a nearby spellbook and hurled it at the mirror. Shards of silvery glass rained down to the floor.
That was just plain rude. I thought someone so Great and Powerful would have better manners than that. After all, I’m only trying to help.
I frantically looked around my trailer, but I didn’t spot the source of those words. That is…until I looked down. My shadow was not my shadow. It no longer reflected any of my feminine features, instead it had a gaunt, masculine build. I was a unicorn, but its shape was distorted…and I didn't think that was because it was a shadow. What disturbed me the most were its eyes; despite being a shadow, two darker pools of blackness were present on the thing’s face.
“Who…who are you!?”
Finally, a coherent response. My name is not important; what's important is what I can do for you.
“You expect me to believe that? I don’t even know what you are, let alone anything that would make me trust you. Go away and leave me alone.” I threw another book, this time at my shadow. It bounced harmlessly across the ground.
I understand that you must be upset, but there is no cause for your poor behavior. Can we not be rational for a few minutes?
I took a deep breath and tried to slow my heart rate. I needed to focus; whatever was going on, I needed a clear head to deal with it. I closed my eyes and tried to recall the meditation lessons from my school days. Instead, upon shutting my eyes I was greeted with the memory of Twilight’s face as she pulled away from me. I found no calm, just more sadness.
Is crying the only thing you can do? Suck it up already. This is why I dislike dealing with mares…they are way too sappy.
“Tell me who you are!” The attitude of the intruder was quickly turning my sorrow to anger.
Better. I’m your friend, the only friend whom you cannot chase away so easily. I’ve stuck with you for so long; I cannot leave you now…
“My…friend?” I could barely process its claim. “My friend? You were the one saying those horrible things! How could you possibly be my friend?”
Simple. I was protecting you. Do you think those other ponies actually liked you? It was only a matter of time before you pushed them away; I simply hurried it along. That way, you wouldn’t be so hurt when they finally left. I was only thinking of you.
“You don’t know that they would have left! I was doing grea…fine…er…I was doing all right.”
Oh, you were handling it masterfully. Like how you handled Twilight Sparkle.
That stung. The voice was making a fair point…I could never keep ponies near me without something terrible happening. “But…I…I just…”
Now now, don’t worry your little head about it. Didn’t you hear me before? I said I was here to help you. After all, it isn’t too late…you can still get everything you want, and I’ll help you do it. That is what friends do, yes? Heh heh.
‘”Everything I want?”
Everything. Power, respect, confidence, and the strength to claim anything your heart could desire. Maybe even the attention you seek.
It sounded too good to be true. “How can I trust you? You won’t tell me anything about you! What do you get out of all of this?”
I get to help a friend. Isn’t that reason enough?
“Show yourself!”
…Very well.
My shadow lengthened, then seemed to pull itself from the floor. Although I'd thought of it as ‘my shadow,’ it was clearly anything but. I found myself staring at a gaunt shadowy unicorn. His form—for he was clearly a stallion—still looked insubstantial and there was something wrong with his horn. It looked sharper, more angular…like a razor blade. His ‘coat,’ for lack of a better term, was black…yet his eyes were only pools of darker blackness. A long unkempt mane further blurred and obscured his form. His cutie mark was a spot of dark azure amongst the darkness; its shape resembled two question marks, one inverted and one normal, pressed so close together it appeared to be one symbol.
“What…are you?”
A friend.
“…What do I have to do?”
Easy. All you have to do…is let me in.