//------------------------------// // Cloud Kicker -- A Night On the Town // Story: The Album // by Peregrine Caged //------------------------------// Written by: Chengar Qordath Rated Teen (for some adult humor) “You’re cute.” I informed the rather attractive mare sitting on the bar stool across from me. “Let’s go back to my place. We’ll bang, OK?” The grey earth pony frowned in careful consideration for a moment, then picked up her glass of wine and threw it in my face. Okay. That could have gone better. I grabbed a napkin and wiped the wine off my face, though I didn’t complain when some of it wound up in my mouth instead. She might have shot me down, but she definitely had good taste in alcohol. So ... I guess getting a little bit of free wine meant I could try to call this one a win. Or at least, a slightly less horrible defeat. Maybe I could spin it as a pyrrhic victory? “So ... I’m gonna take that as a no.” The mare let out a haughty sniff before declaring in a voice that reeked Canterlot class, “Yes, I have no interest in ... ‘banging’ you. I prefer ponies who understand the importance of maintaining a certain sense of decorum.” So, she was a little miss prim-and-proper. That would explain why I’d crashed and burned. In hindsight, I suppose the bowtie should’ve been a warning sign. Bowties are classy, and classy ponies tend to be uptight ponies. Normally I would’ve picked up on a little detail like that, but ... well, I seemed to be a little off my game tonight. A snicker and a white hoof giving me a playful little nudge in the shoulder announced the arrival of my best friend, Blossomforth. A good friend would be there to offer me a couple words of encouragement after I’d just been shot down. Since Blossom was my best friend, she was instead busy taking pleasure in my misery. “So, was that an example of your ... irresistable charm? Because I think it just got resisted. Again.” The huge smirk on her freckled face only mildly irked me. “That makes, what, the fifth time tonight you’ve crashed and burned?” “Nopony has a perfect record,” I grumbled under my breath. Still, I usually did a bit better than this. I mean, I’m a reasonably attractive mare, and The Sun’s Flank is Ponyville’s main fillyfooler bar. I like the Sun’s Flank; it’s nightclubby enough to have that nice social mingling atmosphere, but bary enough to have good stuff to eat and drink. Being halfway in between a bar and a nightclub lets it avoid the common nightclub issues of playing music so loud you can’t even hear yourself think and insisting on making all the decor bright flashy neon colors. I for one liked it when a mare could hear my pick-up lines and could actually tell that my coat was lavender and my mane was blond. I'm funny that way. On top of the good atmosphere at the Sun’s Flank, it’s usually not that hard to find at least one mare who’s up for a good time. I guess I could always hit one of the other bars and go hunting for a stallion instead, but I was in a mare mood tonight. It’s just too bad that there didn’t seem to be any mares in a ‘me’ mood... She rolled her eyes and gave a casual little toss of her pink and green mane. “So, didn’t you say this was supposed to teach me all about how to attract another pony?” Blossom shot out in between giggles. “Because so far all I’ve learned tonight is how to get somepony to throw a drink in my face.” “Yeah yeah, laugh it up, Blossom.” Still, as much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. I needed to turn this around. My reputation as Ponyville’s top playmare was at stake! I had no choice but to jump back into the fray and get my mojo going. My eyes settled on a very nice-looking blue unicorn with an hourglass cutie mark, and I trotted up to her. “Hey, you look like a nice pony. Wanna head back to my place? We’ll bang, okay?” I probably should’ve spent a little time working my way up to that, but after getting rejected half a dozen times my patience was running out. It definitely wasn't a sign of desperation. The unicorn frowned at me, and I braced myself for yet another rejection. Instead, she just randomly announced out of nowhere, “You have something in your teeth. When was the last time you brushed?” Well ... at least that wasn’t a no. I ran my tongue over my teeth a couple times, until I dislodged a little daisy seed that must’ve gotten stuck there at lunch. “There, seed’s gone. And I brushed this morning.” “This morning?” The unicorn had a tiny little smile on her face, and started leaning towards my lips. Alright, finally caught a break! I pursed my lips and leaned in to kiss her. A second before we would’ve made contact her horn ignited in a bright blue glow, and my mouth was suddenly yanked wide open. “Aggghya!?” My confusion only compounded when I saw her start floating dental tools out of her saddlebag. Oh great. Just great. “It’s just a quick little cleaning,” she remarked with almost disturbing cheerfulness. I’m all for job satisfaction, but nopony should be that happy about messing around with another pony’s teeth. Just to make things worse, she started singing a happy little working tune under her breath. “Brushie brushie~ Brushing shiny teeth~” “Nnngyu?” It’s kinda hard to talk when you’ve got a toothbrush and a dental pick in your mouth. Why was she cleaning my teeth? Was this some kind of fetish for her? I've seen a lot of different kinks over the years but this ... this was a new one for me. “Oh don’t worry, this is free of charge,” she assured me. I guess a dentist would be good at communicating with somepony who was trying to talk around half a dozen dental tools. “Tell you what, I’ll pencil you in for sometime next week, full cleaning. Your teeth are in pretty good shape, but nopony’s teeth can be too clean. Just remember: brush and floss after every meal, before you go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning, and you’ll be fine. Oh, and here’s my card--give it to the receptionist, and you’ll get a five percent discount.” A business card floated up in front of my face, encased in a telekinetic field. “Uh ... yeah. Sure thing...” I quickly checked the card. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Colgate.” “Likewise.” She gave me a smile fully of the most perfect teeth I’d even seen in a pony’s mouth. Figures. “See you next week, and remember to brush.” “Right...” I had a horrible suspicion that if I missed the dental appointment I’d end up getting dragged to her clinic against my will and forcibly bound to a dental chair until my teeth were absolutely pristine. As much fun as straps and a good drilling can be, I usually tried to avoid anesthetic. Still, crazier things have happened in Ponyville. I trotted away from the disturbingly enthusiastic dentist and bumped into a giggle-snorting Blossomforth. I tried to put a brave face on my latest failure. “So ... I got a discount on my next dental cleaning. That’s progress.” Instead of letting me save a little face, that just pushed Blossom over the edge until she was laughing so hard she flipped over onto her back, all four legs kicking in the air. So, there goes what’s left of my dignity. Maybe it was just time to throw in the towel and accept that I was going home alone tonight. It wouldn’t be the first time I went home alone, but I’ll admit it had been a while since I’d been stuck with nopony at all. Usually I could at least find somepony I’d banged a couple times in the past who wouldn’t mind going for another round. Well, if I was giving up I might as well have a little something to drown my sorrows before heading home. The Sun’s Flank did have a pretty good stock of Sweet Apple Acres Cider. I settled down at the bar next to a purplish-pink earth pony and ordered a pair of hard ciders--one for me and one for Blossom. After spending a minute or two nursing my cider and feeling sorry for myself, I felt a wing drape itself over my back. “Hey.” Blossom gave me a friendly smile and very softly nuzzles the side of my head. “So you didn’t find anypony to take home with you tonight. Big deal. There’ll be other nights, and other ponies.” I shot a quick smile back at her. “Yeah, thanks Blossom.” I straightened my stance up a bit. “So what if I had a bad night? There’s always tomorrow.” “Thash right!” I jumped a little when the earth pony sitting next to me suddenly threw a foreleg around my shoulders. Between the blush on her face and the way she was slurring her words, I’m pretty sure she’d been working her way through the cider for a while. “I didn’ have no luck neither, bu’ tha’ doeshn’t mean I gotta be all shad aboudit!” “Um ... yes.” Blossom looked like she wasn’t quite sure what to think of this strange new pony inserting herself into our private conversation. That’s a hazard of talking at bars. Besides, I knew Berry Punch by reputation, and everything I’d heard about her said she was a pretty decent pony. If nothing else, she was a friendly drunk, and those were the second best kinds of drunks out there. “Berry’s right,” I announced to nopony in particular. “I’m not letting a one-night dry spell get to me. Hay, maybe tomorrow I’ll score a small orgy or something to make up for how rotten I did tonight!” “Thash the spirit!” Berry enthused, giving a wave of her cider mug to emphasize her point, before downing the whole thing in a single gulp. “Beshides ... the night’s shtill young! Ya might shomepony really cute ta ... ta ...” Berry trailed off and gave me a bleary-eyed look which slowly transformed in a smile. “Ya know ... I’m shad about not having nopony, and yer all lonely to ... an’ ... an’ yer pretty cute. Whadday shay we...?” Well, that was a nice little offer. Taking Berry home would certainly put an end to my temporary little dry streak, and there was something nicely symmetrical about the two mares who’d both struck out at finding anypony going home together. “Yeah, sure. Let’s head back to your place.” Blossom looked between Berry and me a couple times and let out a nervous chuckle. “So, uh, I guess that’s my cue to make myself scarce, right? See you tomorrow, Cloud Kicker.” Blossom turned around and was about to start heading out when I reached out a foreleg to stop her. “Hey, no need to go running off just yet, Blossom. Stick around for a bit. At least until we get back to Berry’s place.” That got a slightly nervous flush from Blossom. “I ... I wouldn’t want to feel like the third wheel on the hay cart. I mean, you two are...” “Just ... stick around a bit.” I gave her a hopeful little flutter of my eyelashes. “Please?” Berry snorted into her cider. “Yer plannin’ on a threesome, aren’tcha Clou' Ki'her?” Blossom let out a nervous squeak and flushed redder than a tomato. I swear, sometimes I wonder how I wound up with a best friend who’s so ridiculously flighty when it comes the subject of banging. I decided I needed to do something before all the blood rushing to her face started causing medical complications. “Relax Blossom, just trust me on this one.” Even after my assurances Blossom looked horrendously nervous and uncomfortable, but when Berry and I got up and walked out the bar she came with us. I let Berry lead the way to her house, which ended up just leading us to an empty lot. “Oh ... yesh, I fergot.” Berry let out an inebriated giggle. “M’house ishn’t here ‘nnymore. Got moved by Biggy Mac on Heartsh and Hoovesh Day.” Her whole house got moved? Okay. Normally the idea of a ground house getting randomly shifted about by a single pony would be kinda hard to swallow, but in all honesty that probably wouldn’t even make the top ten list of strange things that have happened in Ponyville this year. After a little bit more wandering, Berry finally found her way back to her home. Considering the huge skid marks her home left behind from getting dragged across Ponyville, it wasn’t all that hard to manage. Berry stepped up to the door and tried to grip the handle, but couldn’t seem to work out how to get a decent grip. Wow, she really had been hitting the cider hard if she couldn’t even manage to open a door. After the fourth failed attempt, I stepped forward and opened the door for her. Berry gave me an inebriated grin. “Yer a gennlemare.” She looked at me through hooded eyes and tried to drop her voice down a seductive purr, though the slurring kinda hurt her efforts. “Why don’ botha you c’mon in. I gots some more cider, an’ we can drink an’ foal aroun’ an’...” I politely held up a hoof to cut off. “Berry, thank you for a memorable evening, but I think it would be better if you sobered up a bit first before we did anything.” I put a friendly hoof over her shoulders and gently guided her inside. “If in the morning when you’re sober you still want to do this, come find me and I’ll bang you silly. Okay?” Berry Punch gave me a confused and slightly annoyed frown. “But ... why’dwe gotta wait? Le’s do it righ’ now!” I gave her a very polite kiss on the cheek before reaching past her to begin slowly pulling the door shut. “In the morning.” I repeated. “When you’re sober.” Well, given how sloshed she was, the afternoon or maybe the next day entirely was more likely; odds were she was going to have a fairly impressive hangover by tomorrow morning. I shut the door and waited for a bit to make sure that Berry Punch wasn’t going to come out and cause a scene. Fortunately, it looked like she was taking my advice about just sleeping it off. Hopefully once she was sober and not hungover she’d still be in the mood for a little banging, because she definitely seemed like she’d be worth messing around with. Hay, she and her little sister beat me and ‘lula in the Sisterhooves Social, so she was obviously in pretty good shape. So. Her. Me. Banging. Soon. Not tonight, but soon. I turned my back on Berry Punch’s house and found myself face-to-face with a slightly confused Blossomforth. “Cloud Kicker? Why did you...” she trailed off with a slightly embarrassed flush, but after a second or two she gathered herself up. “Why did you turn her down? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I didn’t think I would ever see the day when you passed up an opportunity to mate with somepony.” “She was drunk,” I answered simply. “I’m not gonna bang somepony I barely know, who was so sloshed she couldn’t find her own house or work out how to open her own door. So, I walked her home, and that’s it.” Blossom stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds, and then let out a high-pitched little giggle. “Well, she was right about one thing. You really are a gentlemare.” I let out a self-deprecating little laugh. “Hey, don’t go spreading it around. I’ve got a reputation to maintain.” I tossed one last look over my shoulder at Berry’s house. “Still, kinda stinks that now I’m stuck with being all by lonesome for tonight.” Blossom stepped up beside me and gave me a friendly little nuzzle on the cheek. “Hey, you’ll always have me, Cloud Kicker.” “Yeah. Thanks. You’re a good friend” Still, good friends didn’t change the fact that I was going home alone tonight. I turned to her with a hopeful grin. “Hey Blossom, you familiar with the concept of friends-with-benefits?”