//------------------------------// // Ch2: I'm Going Slightly Mad // Story: PonyFall: Leather and Lace // by Dusty the Royal Janitor //------------------------------// In retrospect, the way I attempted to placate the terrified woman screaming her head off on my couch was probably the worst way that I could have acted. In my own defense, this was an entirely new scenario to me. I had never been faced with having to calm a terrified, shrieking, purple-haired, naked woman in my own house before. That’s just something that I don’t tend to have to deal with every day. Still... grabbing her wrists and holding the thrashing woman down against her will and screaming at her to ‘shut up?’ Yeah, that wasn’t particularly smart of me. “Shut up!” I shouted. “Stop screaming you crazy broad!” “Get off! Get off of me, you brutish thug!” she responded in turn, before suddenly lifting a leg and kneeing me right in the stomach. I stumbled back, winded, and tripped backwards over the coffee table, my hands still firmly clamped around her wrists. The both of us toppled over the calf-high table and fell to the floor in a heap. Her elbow struck my forehead as she landed atop me, causing the tolling church bells in my brain to double in noise. Sure, the Canary Cry of Doom wasn’t enough at all. Why not add a nice little concussion to the list of head pains I’m to experience today? I lay there groaning for a minute as I released her wrist. I felt the strange woman roll off me and heard her stumble a bit before coming to a rest in front of the fireplace when I heard a sharp gasp come from behind me. I opened my eyes slowly, the room spinning a little as my optic nerves tried to reboot themselves. Staggering to my feet, I shook my head and tried to get the ringing in my ears to die down a little. I stumbled back over to the easy chair and leaned against it, turning my head to look at the woman, who now appeared to be staring in horrified silence at the glass doors of the fireplace. Looking closer, I noticed she was looking dead into her own reflection, as if the sight of her own body terrified her to her very core. I groaned, assuming she was taking stock of her own nakedness. She was probably going to start screaming at me and running out into the street soon trying to get somebody to call the police any second now. And it’s not like there was any way in hell that I’d get a cop to believe my side of the story. “I found her like that, officer,” was not going to cut the mustard. I braced myself for more screaming and some hefty accusations. So you can imagine how surprised I was when none came. I thought that I heard her mutter something along the lines of “Great Celestia,” but beyond that, no noise came from her for at least a full three minutes. I watched her the whole time as she sat there motionless, staring at herself in the makeshift mirror, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Finally, just as I was about to reach for the phone and call 911 myself and report a crazed woman in my house, she rounded on me. Her eyes smoldered and bored into my soul as she glared dead into my eyes. If looks could kill, I’d have been six feet under right then and there. But as I stood there, trying to get my bearings straight, she suddenly hit me with one of the last questions I’d have ever expected from anybody in any situation, no matter how bizarre... “What am I?” She asked. I blinked. That’s just not a question that one asks. ‘Where am I’ would be a legitimate query in this situation. Likewise would ‘Who are you,’ ‘What day is it,’ or ‘Why am I stark naked.’ But ‘What am I?’ That’s just not the sort of question that one expects to be asked. My mouth fumbled for words. It took a moment before I could get out a halfway-intelligent “Wh-what?” The woman got into a kneeling position and looked up at me, the death glare still aimed at me in full force. “You heard me,” she said. “What am I?” I stood there for a moment trying to consider how to answer that. The woman was obviously not alright in the head, and if she was set off, who knows what she would try to do? My eyes drifted over to the phone as I considered running over there to dial 911, when I heard a distinct sniffling sound. I quickly looked back to the woman again to see a very distinct change in her expression. Her death glare had broken and there were tears running down her face. Ah crap, I thought. Of the many things I can’t stand in this world, one of the things that I dread seeing most is a woman in distress. Call me chivalrous or call me a chauvinist pig, I can’t stand to see a girl getting hurt or attacked or insulted or otherwise put into a state of upset. It’s the sort of thing that makes me forget what a cowardly wimp I am for a second and makes me want to take up a suit of plate armor and a broadsword and save the fair maiden. And now, insane or not, here was a woman who was obviously confused and distraught, perhaps suffering from some sort of amnesia, having a cry right in front of me. Every fibre of my being suddenly stopped giving a shit about the safe and logical thing to do and told me to help the crying woman. I sighed. This attitude was going to get me killed sooner or later. “Hey, c’mon,” I said, approaching her slowly “don’t cry now. You’re safe here. I’m sorry I startled you.” She attempted to keep up her glare at me, but it had obviously faltered a long time ago. Her poise, too, broke, as she tried to back away from me at my approach, only to tumble backwards a little and land on her bum. “Don’t come any closer.” she growled. I crouched down, one arm on my knee as I tried to make myself smaller and less threatening. “Look, I’m not going to hurt you. I found you in the middle of the road and brought you here so you’d be safe, alright? If I was going to hurt you, I’d have done it while you were unconscious.” The woman blinked as she appeared to be processing this. Her eyes darted to the side as she mumbled, “So... you’re not...” I never heard the end of that sentence as she seemed to give a sigh of relief and her body seemed to slump over. I rushed over and caught her before she could completely collapse to the ground. When I righted her again, she seemed to be unconscious once more. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I really hope this doesn’t start to become a pattern.” Hefting her up once again in my spindly arms, I carried her back to the couch and laid her head on the pillow, covering her over with the blanket once again. I got another moistened washcloth and laid it over her forehead, this time opting to watch her rather than the TV so I could nip any surprise freak-outs upon waking in the bud. Of course, fate sees fit to completely ravage all of my plans. It wasn’t ten minutes before I heard the garage door open. I quickly stood and rushed over to the utility room to see what was up when my sister wandered in through the door. “Dani.” I said suddenly. “You’re home early.” My sister arched an eyebrow at me. “It’s 3 in the afternoon.” I blinked and looked at my watch. It had already been two and a half hours since that trip to Subway? Time flies when things are going insane apparently. “So... how’d you get home?” I asked her. She wandered past me into the kitchen and dropped her backpack on a chair. “I got Claire to drive me. You seemed bummed about having to drive me this morning so I let you have another hour with your cartoon dogs,” she said pulling a soda out of the fridge and cracking it open. “Right, right.” I said, looking back and forth between my sister and the family room. Thankfully, the woman was out of sight from this vantage point. Dani put a hand on her hip. “Hey, are you alright? You’re looking a little flustered.” “I am?” She nodded. I groaned. There was no keeping anything from my sister, was there? I felt my already pounding headache start to get worse. I didn’t ask for this. Sighing, I grabbed a bottle of ibuprofin from the cabinet and a cherry Dr. Pepper from the fridge. Downing four of the pills and subsequently damaging my liver, I put a hand on my sister’s shoulder. She twitched a little at the sudden contact and scowled at me. I looked at her closely and whispered in her ear, despite the lack of people around to hear us talking. “I’ll show you, but you have to promise not to freak out.” Dani squinted at me. “I make no promises, but I’ll do my best.” My teeth clenched. That’d have to do. I huffed and led her into the family room where the woman was still sleeping soundly, a small smile on her face as opposed to the troubled mask she wore in her previous bout of unconsciousness. Dani gasped and jerked a little before turning to me. I seemed to be getting death glares from a lot of women today. “What are you thinking!?” she managed to shout and whisper to me at the same time. At least she was being considerate to the woman’s rest as she chewed me out. “It’s not what you think!” I replied. “She was lying in the middle of the road and I brought her back here to recuperate.” “Likely story,” Dani said, giving me the perfect stink eye. “You really expect me to believe that?” “Well alright, what do you think this is, then?” I shot back. “You know me, sis. What exactly do you think this is?” I could see her breath catch in her throat as she tried to reply, but thankfully she stopped dead in her tracks. I’m glad that my sister and I are so close She knows me well enough that she knows that any of the things it really looks like probably aren’t the right explanations. After a few seconds, she rolled her eyes and looked back at the woman. “Fine,” she said, “but why didn’t you just call an ambulance or something?” “She wasn’t that hurt.” I tried to explain. “She just looked like she needed a hand, that’s all.” Dani groaned. “And you certainly would be the one to give her that hand.” She looked me over. “And she wouldn’t happen to be the one to give you that bump on the back of your head, would she?” I reached back and felt that, indeed, there was a pretty big bump growing on the back of my head. I sighed. “She woke up earlier and she was really scared and confused. I think she might have thought I had kidnapped her or was trying to do something to her or something. I dunno. She calmed down though and fell back asleep. Don’t worry about it, Dani. You’d be pretty freaked out in her shoes too.” My sister sighed. “Okay, fine. If you want to do...” she motioned her arms at the woman “...this, then fine. But could you get her clothed and out of here soon, please?” she said awkwardly. I nodded. “That’s the plan.” Dani let out a breath. “Fine. Whatever. I have a history paper I need to write.” she growled, walking back to the table and picking her backpack up. She shot one last dirty glare in the direction of the woman and wandered up the stairs. I sat back in the easy chair and sighed. I should have known Dani wouldn’t take that well. She was always twitchy about people ‘invading her space’ and was very wary around people she didn’t know. To bring somebody she didn’t know into our house... I supposed she felt like she was not only being invaded, but also a little railroaded since she didn’t have much of a say in the matter either. I didn’t have long to ponder my sister’s reaction though, as soon I heard a stirring from the purple-haired woman. I leaned over the couch as her eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” I said quietly, “You okay, miss?” She looked to me and took a sharp intake of breath, but quickly seemed to calm down as she remembered where she was. She nodded slowly and brought up a slender arm, resting her hand against her forehead. It almost looked like she was swooning or something. She groaned a little, as though she had a headache, then spoke quietly, “Yes. Yes I am alright, darling. I apologize for my ghastly behavior a minute ago.” I nodded. “It’s alright,” I said. “You were scared and confused. Anyone in your position would probably act something like that.” I rubbed my chest where her knee had hit me. “And might I say, you have a great front-snap kick,” I said, chuckling. Her eyes widened as she turned sharply to me. “Oh, heavens, I apologize. I didn’t mea-” I held up a hand, cutting her off. “It’s alright. Let’s just... not do that again, okay?” I said. She smiled a little, but the expression did not last as she looked at me solemnly. And then things started to get weird again. The woman spoke to me in a piteous voice. “Caramel, do you know where we are?” I blinked. “What?” She ignored my question as she continued asking her own. “For that matter, do you even know what we are, Caramel? Oh this is simply dreadful, isn’t it? These gangly, spidery hands and useless toes and flat, fabby faces.” she shuddered as I started to see more tears form in her eyes. “And what in the world are these supposed to be?!” She suddenly whipped the blanket off of her chest for a moment, exposing her breasts. I quickly averted my eyes, my face a deep shade of red. “Are these udders?!” she continued to rant, thankfully replacing the blanket and covering herself again. “By Celestia, I’m some sort of hairless monkey-cow! Oh if it isn’t simply the worst fate that could possibly befall a pony?!” I tried to raise a finger to speak but she just kept going, her speech getting faster and faster. “Oh, and my friends! And my little sister! Oh heavens, who knows where they could be? I’m lost and transformed and everything I know has vanished!” She suddenly broke down into a series of sobs. I blinked. This woman was mental. Tentatively, I reached a hand out and patted her back. “There there?” I tried to comfort. “It’s going to be alright... I thin-BWAH!” I suddenly found myself in a vicegrip of a hug as she threw her arms around me. “Oh you can’t believe how relieved I am to see you here, Caramel. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be dead in a ditch somewhere.” I don’t know if she knew how accurate that statement was, but before I could correct her about the case of mistaken identity she continued. “I mean of course, I’m sorry that you got caught in the crossfire, darling, but it’s nice to have a gentlecolt nearby to help a lady out and keep each other company though this dreadful event. And you at least got to keep the shirt you got from that concert that you and Rainbow went to.” I looked down at my t-shirt. I got Vinyl Scratch for ten bucks at Hot Topic. She just kept on rambling though. “Tacky, of course. I could certainly whip you up something better in a heartbeat, but at least it’s covering up the ugly bald skin. Oh but I apologize, it’s good to see you, Caramel. Would you believe that for a minute I thought you were one of his minions and that I had been given to you to become some sort of mate or something?” she chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye, then buried her head in my shoulder. “Oh thank goodness you’re here. It’s so nice to have a friendly face around.” I blinked. She seemed really convinced that I was somebody she knew. Heck that was probably what had calmed her down in the first place. I grimaced a little, though, knowing that it would probably be a bad idea in the long run to pass myself off as this “Caramel.” One slip up in acting like him and the whole charade would fall through, and then I’d have an angry madwoman on my hands. I’d do best to try and bring her back to earth now before the situation got any worse. “I’m sorry ma’am,” I said slowly, “but I don’t think we’ve met.” The woman quickly untangled herself from me and looked at me worriedly. “Whatever do you mean, darling? It’s me, Rarity!” A-HA! That was where I knew the hair from! I knew it looked familiar! And now I knew what was up with all the pony-speak and references too! This woman was convinced she was Rarity from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. She must have thought somewhere down the line that I was Caramel, the hapless farmhand that lost the grass seeds at Winter Wrap Up. Admittedly, I thought, my hair did kinda look like his; short in the front, long in the back, parted in the middle of the forehead... though my hair was a fair bit darker than his, but the style WAS basically the same: short, neat, and boring. All beside the point, though, as I had a delusional brony (pegasister?) on my hands that I needed to placate and, if possible, bring back to reality. “Ma’am, my name isn’t Caramel. My name is William Parish.” I said slowly. “And I picked this shirt up at a two-bit chain store.” Rarity... or whatever her name really was... sat up suddenly and pulled away from me, nervousness adorning her features. “And this isn’t Equestria or Ponyville or anything like that. You’re in a small town near Chicago, Illinois.” Rarity gulped a little as she responded. “I... I see.” she mumbled. “I apologize for the mistaken identity.” She took a deep breath. “You seem like a gentle...um...thing though, so... um...” “Human.” I said. “You and I are human beings.” Rarity nodded. “Alright. You seem like a gentlehuman, so, um, perhaps you wouldn’t mind helping me get home?” I smiled a little. “That I can try and help you with.” I gave her my hand. “Come on, to your feet.” Rarity looked at my hand for a moment before tentatively grasping it with her own and I helped her to her feet. She was unsteady on her own two legs and she had to lean on me for support. I was starting to worry that the blow to her head that I had previously thought was so benign was worse than I thought. Perhaps it had knocked her silly, making her forget who she was and maybe even caused something in her brain to be damaged, throwing her balance off. I couldn’t tell. She wasn’t slurring her words and, aside from the insanity of the things she was saying, she was perfectly coherent, so I wasn’t sure what to make of, well... anything about this woman. As I helped her up, she swayed back and forth a little, suddenly not looking so well. I guessed that the stress of the day was probably starting to get to her. “You alright?” I asked. She shook her head. “I suddenly feel very ill...” I nodded. “I can take you upstairs to the guest room. You can lie down again up there. It’s much better than our old cou-” ...And then several pints of half-digested ice cream were forcibly ejected upon me.