Twilight squeezed her eyelids together, trying to muster some moisture to soothe her eyes. Her eyeballs felt like they had been scratched with sandpaper, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She hadn’t slept for days after Luna’s visit, instead working her way through a mountain of books like it was the end of the written word.
“No, eh… that’s not it either,” she muttered groggily, rubbing her eyes and yawning hugely. The text swam before her vision, and she strained to make it out. When a mare and a stallion fall in love, She tossed the book away angrily. “Urgh, no!”
Pulling up another book, she set it down in front of her and, with considerable effort, opened it to the table of contents. She attempted to scan it a few times, realized she had the book upside down and simply slumped forward, her head hitting the pages.
This is useless. She groaned and closed her eyes. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be looking for – no, wait, what was that book called? ‘Best Poems of: L.D. Rey’? Her eyes snapped open, and she dug into the pile of books with her magic. The tome she pulled out wobbled slightly in the air, her magic proving unsteady due to her fatigue, so she impatiently grabbed it with her hooves.
Maybe I should have paid more attention to this. It was a collection of love poems she had merely skimmed the first time, assuming it would be unhelpful. Flipping to the page she was looking for, she grimaced and tried to concentrate on the words.
Every time I close my eyes
It’s like a dark paradise
No pony compares to you
I’m scared that you
Won’t be waiting on the other side
“Hmm, seems like it could be right,” she mumbled. The words had echoed deep in her heart; it was as if the writer had known what her feelings were – what she herself had not known to be true.
Yeah, maybe I should concentrate on thinking about what I feel. She grinned stupidly. She did think about Luna quite frequently – like all my friends, right? But there was no denying that she had been thinking about Luna more and more since they had started visiting each other. And there was also that strange hollow feeling that she’d had since Luna had run off.
It was also true, now she thought of it, that she and Luna shared things that she couldn’t have shared with her other friends. Luna had raised the moon beside her, shown her the stars and told her about their creation; she was also the only pony besides Princess Celestia that Twilight could comfortably talk to about the intricacies of magical power.
Her thoughts then turned to the things between Luna and her that she also shared with her other friends – Luna hugging her, Luna sobbing because something had gone wrong… Looking back on those memories she noticed that it had felt different than with her other friends, but how, she couldn’t really say.
She’d read somewhere in the pile of books that lovers were two halves of one pony that spent their lives looking for each other so that they could finally become whole and perfect. The more she thought about what she had learned about Luna, the more it seemed that Luna understood her in ways she’d never thought another pony would, but did that mean love?
Still not sure, but at least I should be closer to figuring it out. She glanced at the books strewn around her. “Thanks books, you’ve done enough,” she mumbled with a lopsided grin, patting one of them awkwardly. Now if only I could talk to somepony about it.
Unwillingly getting up, she trudged to the bathroom, stumbling a few times along the way. Trotting through the door, she turned on the bath taps before lowering herself into the tub.
A hot bath was always a good way to freshen up after a night-long research session, and she knew from experience that it would help to relieve some of the tension that had built up from staying awake for so long.
The water started to rise and Twilight sighed as she waited for the tub to fill. The soothing warmth soon spread through her limbs, but there was still a big lump of emptiness sitting in her chest. Now, where was I? Oh right, is there somepony who can help me with this?
Twilight raised her hooves to her head, massaging her temples. Maybe Rarity? She seems to know a lot about love. She talked a lot about it, at least. From what she knew of her friends, Rarity did seem to be the one who knew most about these matters.
She turned off the tap with her telekinesis and leaned back, moving a hoof through the water and absentmindedly watching the ripples she created.
She’d go to Rarity’s first thing in the morning – hopefully her friend could help her understand what she was thinking, and everything would be fine once more.
“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where – oh, it’s you, Twilight!” Rarity looked up from the dress she was sewing and walked over to Twilight, her eyes wide with worry. “Oh Twilight, I haven’t seen you in days! Where have you been?”
Twilight didn’t answer, instead falling heavily onto the cushions she and Luna had been sitting on before the alicorn had run off.
“Darling, what happened after you went out to look for the princess?” Rarity trotted over and sat down beside her friend. When Twilight only stared dimly at her, she wrapped a foreleg around the bookworm’s withers. “Twilight?” she repeated.
“Oh, I found her, but she…” Twilight trailed off from her mumbling, raising a hoof to absentmindedly brush her lips again.
Twilight wasn’t thinking about her action when she brushed her mouth, and it would have been meaningless to most ponies, but Rarity deciphered it almost immediately. “You kissed?”
“Wha-?” Twilight blinked a few times in quick succession, shaking her head infinitesimally. “I mean, y-yes, but how’d you know?” When she tried to speak again words kept failing her; she hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to talk about the kiss with another pony now that the discussion was really happening.
Rarity’s eyes widened, shining with delight. “You did?” she squealed, completely ignoring the question, letting go of Twilight and grinning from ear to ear as she looked at her friend. “I’m so happy for you!”
“But…” Twilight looked to the side, not meeting Rarity’s eyes. She drew a hoof uneasily over the cushion.
Rarity didn’t seem to notice Twilight’s distress, her smile growing even brighter. “Oh, Twilight, you’ve found love! Isn’t it marvelous?”
“Um, maybe?” Twilight mumbled.
Rarity tilted her head. “Ooh – did she kiss you first?”
“Yes, I suppose…”
“And how did it happen? What were you doing when she kissed you?”
“We were having a snowball fight, and we knocked each other over into the snow, and then we-” Twilight’s voice became hardly audible, “-kissed.” She did lean closer first, that must mean something.
“Hmm.” Rarity put a hoof under her chin. “Did you kiss her back?”
“I think I did,” Twilight replied uncertainly.
“Yooou kissed her back!” Rarity squealed, eyes shining as she beamed widely.
Twilight flushed a deep red; she gulped and kept quiet.
The fashionista gave her a concerned look. “Twilight?” When the other unicorn remained silent she gave her a reassuring pat on her foreleg. “There there, dear, it’s nothing to get so stressed about.”
“I, I guess so?” Twilight smiled weakly.
Rarity leaned forward and looked Twilight in the eye. “Oh Twilight, I’m sooo happy for you!”
“Um, t-thanks, Rarity, but I’m just not completely sure.” Twilight sighed and slumped down. “I’ve never felt this way about somepony before.”
“It is important to know what you feel as well darling – and I am going to help you be sure!” Rarity patted Twilight on the shoulder, smiling gleefully. “Now, do you feel any different when you think about her?”
Twilight nodded, mostly to herself – she would try to be truthful, and hopefully Rarity would help her further sort out her thoughts.
“I like spending time with her.” Twilight took a deep breath, repeating the things she had reasoned out on her own the previous day. “I always um, look forward to her letters and to meeting her.”
Rarity nodded. “And?”
Twilight furrowed her brow; there didn’t seem to be anything that was more significant. “Mostly it feels the same as spending time with you girls, I enjoy it a lot…”
“Do you feel you understand each other?” Rarity asked, and Twilight couldn’t help feeling a respect for the fashionista quite unrelated to their discussion – Rarity was asking questions systematically, which Twilight recognized as the system that she herself used as a researcher, and which was sure to analyze and help her find out what her real feelings were.
“I guess? But you and the girls understand me a lot, too.”
“Is there anything that you share with her that you share with nopony else?” Rarity continued relentlessly.
It didn’t take Twilight long to answer – she thought of learning to bake for Luna, and how happy she was when Luna had liked what she’d made, when entering the hidden wing of the castle, how fascinated she had been when Luna had raised the moon right beside her; how Luna had taught her how to use the focus and how wonderful it had felt, exploring the stars and night sky as she had never seen them before, and the fact that Luna had chosen to share it with her… “Yes,” she answered, resolutely.
Rarity nodded again, beaming warmly. “Now, answer me honestly – would you have avoided the kiss if you could?”
Twilight frowned. She had been taken by surprise, but would she really have avoided it? In her mind the scene replayed itself in complete detail for the first time, something she had been supressing her mind from doing. Luna had moved closer and closer… and Twilight remembered, in that split second before their muzzles had met, she had hoped – yes, she had hoped that Luna would not pull away.
“No,” she said, and she knew her answer was honest. “I wouldn’t.”
Rarity leaned back, smiling so brilliantly that Twilight felt she wouldn’t be surprised if stars appeared in her eyes. “I think it is quite clear then, Twilight.”
Twilight bit her lip, lost in thought. Luna was special to her, she couldn’t deny this, and she did wish for them to be more than ‘just’ friends, though she was not yet sure what that implied. Her thoughts divided into two paths: one with her relationship as it was now, and another with something ‘more’. She didn’t need to think to know which one was right.
Twilight trotted along the streets of Ponyville at a brisk pace. She looked up at the sky, and it seemed everything was more colorful than usual; she had found a new hidden beauty in the world.
It was also as if a new window of emotion had been opened to her, a happiness that made her feel like she was flying and couldn’t come back down if it wasn’t for Luna anchoring her to the ground.
Now listen to yourself, that’s just – ‘plain silly’ was what she would have thought before experiencing this joy, but now that she had found her special somepony she knew it was true, and it amazed her just how much happiness she could hold. It still sounds a bit silly though, but I don’t care!
She giggled, waving and smiling widely at ponies she passed on the street; suddenly she could understand Pinkie’s constant need to bounce along.
Pushing open the door to the library, she hopped inside, giggling at her own antics. A letter was perched on her writing stand, where Spike would leave them if she wasn’t there. She hadn’t thought to check her correspondence since her research binge, and she reminded herself to be more careful about that in the future.
Oh, it’s from Princess Celestia! She grinned, checking the letter, and broke the seal, unfurling it. No, wait, it’s from Luna… Her smile faded, and her expression froze as she read on; all the joy she’d felt in the previous moments was yanked away from her, and it was like something had been torn up inside her chest.
My dear friend Twilight,
Please forgive me for my careless actions on Saturday, it was horrible of me to force something like that on you. I would also like to apologize for leaving in such a hurry, I wasn’t myself.
It was a joke in poor taste; I hope this has not upset you too much, and I hope that we can continue to be friends.
Luna
Twilight put a hoof to her mouth. But, but – Her heart was pounding very loudly, both in her chest and in her ears, and her lungs felt constricted, her breaths coming shallowly. She stared at the letter, everything else around her seeming to be leeched of color.
It was Luna’s writing, no doubt, and there was Luna’s seal. It had just been a joke… Twilight made a choked sound. Just as her heart had been filled with an unfamiliar yet pleasant warmth a short while prior, so now had those feelings been taken away by a few words, to be replaced with a lump of ice that rested uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach. And they were not just a mere few words; they were the words from the pony she cherished and, just a brief while ago, realized that she loved…
And Luna had written that she hoped they could continue being friends. Just friends. She gulped and nodded. That she could do, as long as Luna wanted it. Shakily picking up a quill and parchment and smoothing it out on her writing stand, she started penning a response, each stroke like a slash to her heart.
Dear Luna,
Her magical hold on the quill slipped and ink blotted the parchment. Twilight crumpled the paper, levitating another one into place and starting again. She couldn’t stop the quill from wobbling; tears welled up in her eyes, clouding her vision, and it was only with a considerable effort that she continued writing.
I don’t mind at all, of course we can still be friends!
Twilight swallowed a sob – of course I mind, and I care – as she put the nib to the paper again.
If you have time you should come visit again, there’s so much I still want to show you about Ponyville.
She sniffed, trying to rub the tears from her cheeks. Yeah, that’s right, just like friends do. She put the quill to the paper with yet another pang in her chest.
Would next week be all right for you?
Twilight
Luna glanced towards the opposite corner of the room, at the sealed letter on her desk. She had been trying to ignore it for a while now, ever since she had woken up and found it beside her bed. There had been a note from Celestia beside it – You must tell me about it after my court – and she could see her sister’s smirk every time she thought about it.
The reason for her hesitation was that the letter could only be from Twilight, and Luna was afraid to open it. Dread clung to her, cold and unforgiving; she’d already picked it up a few times, but each time apprehension had won out. Finally she had floated it over to the far end of the room where it hopefully wouldn’t distract her any more.
Just read it and get it over with! She tried convincing herself for almost the thousandth time, but every time she was close to opening it she would wince and put it back down.
Luna tried occupying herself with a book, but she just couldn’t keep her attention on the words and her thoughts kept drifting to the letter; it was still beckoning to her, preventing her from concentrating on anything else. Waiting isn’t going to change things, Luna! What Twilight thinks isn’t going to change, no matter how long you avoid facing it!
Finally she gritted her teeth, picking the letter up again in her magic. Looking away from it she scrunched up her eyes, tearing the seal with magic. Slowly, she turned to look at the scroll, and it took her several attempts before she could bring herself to focus on the words on it.
Reading a mere few sentences had never been so hard. The letters swam in her vision, and she almost turned away before checking herself – “No! How much longer do you want to feel tortured?” she said to herself loudly. Wincing, she brought the letter closer, forcing herself to read from the very first word.
Dear Luna,
She gulped, and she knew she was shaking.
I don’t mind – she found it was easier to read once passing these words, after all that meant Twilight didn’t hate her, right?
As she finished the letter Luna let out a sigh of relief, but it was tinged with sorrow. At the very least, she is willing to stay friends…
Try as she might to suppress it though, scenes of what ‘could have been’ kept playing in her head, refusing to go away. Be satisfied with what you have now, don’t you dare jeopardize it!
And we’ll just continue being… friends. ‘Friends’; that word kept echoing in her head, and as everything just crashed over her it became unbearable. Twilight and just the word ‘friend’ really didn’t sit together in her head, and she found herself crying as she staggered to her bed and fell heavily onto it.
Tears rolled down her cheeks, heavy and moist. Even though she had made the choice to hide her true feelings from Twilight, she could never hide them from herself.
She curled up, lying motionless on the bed for quite a while, the pillow soaked with her tears. Time seemed to pass with no measure as waves of emptiness rolled over her. She reached out for the letter again, tracing the words with the tip of a hoof. Twilight had written it… she shook her head; where were her thoughts going? If she kept this up she would go insane.
And she still had yet to write a reply. Sighing, she levitated her writing tools to the bed; she didn’t even feel like moving. Even using magic felt arduous, such a large portion of her energy having been sapped away by her emotions.
Dear Twilight,
A tear dripped onto the sheets and she quickly moved the parchment out of the way. She would never let Twilight suspect she had been crying. Try to keep a light tone, she reminded herself, attempting to keep the quill steady as a fresh bout of tears threatened to burst the dams again.
I would love to –
Luna frowned at the sentence. She would have thought it perfectly normal in the past, but not now. She hastily crossed ‘love’ out, pressing the nib to the paper again.
I would like to –
She crossed this line out too, scowling before she balled the parchment up and tossed it to the ground. Floating over a fresh page she started anew.
She couldn’t bring herself to change the wording though, afraid as she was that Twilight might take anything she’d written the wrong way. She would leave it, as a hint that Twilight would never get.
I would love to visit you again! Would Tuesday afternoon be a good time for you? If not I am always willing to –
Luna paused, the quill hovering in the air. Sentences such as I would like to visit you at any time you wish, and as many times as you wish, or I am at your call ran through her mind, but she knew that that was crossing a line – too alarming, and too obvious. By now her tears had mostly dried out, and she realized that she had stopped sobbing when she had started writing the letter to Twilight. Her heart was still aching, but the simple act of corresponding with Twilight made her feel better, like a balm being rubbed on her aching heart. She sighed and started writing again.
– make time for our meetings.
Your friend,
Luna
She put the quill back on the desk, looking over the letter a few times before rolling it up. At least she now had something to look forward to, but she was dreading how to respond if Twilight brought the whole thing up again.
“Finished writing a reply already?” Celestia asked with a grin.
Luna looked down sheepishly, holding out the letter to her sister. “Yes – you didn’t expect me to wait for tomorrow, did you?”
“Of course not.” Celestia twirled the letter around in her golden magic, and Luna felt nervousness rising up in her chest again. “Well?”
“Well what?” Luna narrowed her eyebrows. Celestia really wasn’t being her normal self, instead acting like an excited filly whenever they talked about her and Twilight.
“What did she say? What did you write?” Celestia leaned forward, a twinkle in her eyes.
Luna drew a hoof on the ground. “She asked me when I would like to go to Ponyville again.”
“Oh, so it’s a date!” Celestia finally made the letter dissolve in green smoke, and Luna had to contain a sigh of relief. Now that the letter was on its way she didn’t have to haggle that much longer with her sister; the longer she kept this up the greater was the possibility that Celestia would see through her ruse.
“I…” Luna didn’t need to pretend to be flustered; the blush came naturally to her face even though a voice in her head was crying foul.
“I’m so happy for you, Luna.” Celestia moved closer and nudged Luna playfully before trotting towards the door. “Well I’ll leave you alone now,” she said, eyeing Luna’s red face, “have fun!”
Luna waited till her sister was well out of the room before grimacing, burying her face in her hooves. Now she had lied to both of the ponies most important to her… but maybe if this could save her friendship with Twilight, it would be worth it.