My Fault

by ChaoticHarmony

...But I Can't Bring her Back

The quiet city of Canterlot stretched below her as she flew through the night, the few windows that still had light streaming from them peeking up at her like the eyes of a giant monster from the nightmares of a filly or colt. The wind blocked out all sound as it rushed past her ears, filling them only with the sound of its passing. She didn’t shiver as the cold bit at her through the suit that she wore, only gritting her teeth and flying on. Spotting her destination, she pulled into a dive and landed easily on the cobblestone street.

“Hey, isn’t that one of my best customers, Rainbow Dash?” Off to her right, Pony Joe smiled out to her from inside his store. “You comin’ in this time or is it a to-go order?”

“You know me, I’m always dashing around.” After a shared chuckle, she shook her head. “But not today, it’s for here.” As she walked over to the door, his face lit up like one of the fireworks that they set off during the Gala.

“Come on in, Miss Rainbow! I’ll get you a table ready.” The stallion’s face disappeared from the window as she walked inside, her eyes cautiously roving the crowd of ponies that were all sitting in groups that were buzzing with chatter. Pony Joe stood over to one side, frantically wiping at a table with a wet cloth. “Just a minute, Rainbow. I’ll have this cleaned up in a jiffy.”

“Don’t rush, Pony Joe, I’ll be here a while. I’m waiting for someone anyway.” A small amount of embarrassment caused blood to rise to her face as she looked around at the ponies that were now staring at her. Ever since it had been established that one of the Wonderbolts ate regularly at a small donut shop, flocks of her fans had flooded into the tiny space to talk to her. Nowadays, the place had been turned into a popular hangout spot for ponies of all ages, fans of hers or not. After her table had been prepared, she sat down in the booth easily and smiled at the ponies who stared at her. It wasn’t a smile of happiness; it was a smile that begged to be left alone. Getting the message, the rest of the ponies in the store turned back to each other and the air buzzed with the restarted conversations.

“What’re you havin’ tonight, Rainbow? The usual?” Pony Joe took out a small notebook as he looked at her expectantly.

“You got it. Two chocolate donuts with a cider-mixed hot cocoa.” She smiled in anticipation of her food and drink.

“All right, two choco do’s and a cider cocoa. I’ll have those out here for you in a bit. And,” he leaned in closer to her, “if any of these ponies give you trouble, call for me. I’ll get them out of here quick.”

“Thanks, but I think they know to leave me alone tonight.” She smiled the same smile at him, urging him to do the same. As the stallion walked back into the kitchen, she was left alone with her thoughts to occupy her time. She pulled down the zipper that held her hoof in the blue-and-yellow suit she wore and studied the bracelet that she always wore under the blue cloth. It was a simple thing, with a few small gemstones here and there set into its silver surface. Remember her, for all of Eternity. Rarity. Her eyes traced along the graceful letters that wound around another like threads in one of the white unicorn’s dresses.

The arrival of food pulled her out of the folds of memory and set her down in the present, where she bit into one of the donuts and washed the sweet pastry down with a swig of warm cider-laced chocolate. She smiled up at Pony Joe, who was standing there expectantly. “Good as always, Joe.”

“Thank you kindly, Miss Rainbow. Now, I have to go see to some… er… business in the kitchen.” Turning around, Pony Joe stalked off, muttering about the “stupid bus boys can’t even wash the dishes right.”

Smiling to herself, she turned back to her food and took a large bite from the donut that she had already attacked. “Rainbow Dash?” The slightly scratchy voice caused her to nearly choke on the cider that she had just sipped from her tankard. A clawed hand smacked into her back, aiding in her confusion and succeeding in only making her choke harder. After her coughing had subsided, she turned to see a dragon smiling embarrassedly at her. “Sorry about that.”

“Hey there, Spike.” The purple-and-green dragon, now only a few inches shy of being taller than her, sat down in the booth across from her and tapped his claws against the table uncertainly. Using the silence to her advantage, she snagged another bit of food and drink as well as zipping her suit closed around the bracelet. After a few moments, the silence irked her enough to speak again. “So, how’s it going with you?”

As soon as the dragon opened his mouth to speak, Pony Joe practically galloped over to their table and stopped just short of smashing into them. “Is that Twilight Sparkle’s assistant in my place?” Taking out a slightly larger notebook for his bigger orders, the stallion stood at the ready. “What’ll you be having tonight, Spike?”

The dragon, taken aback by the abrupt eagerness of the store’s owner, backed away slightly before answering. “I-I’ll just have a donut. Okay two.” He added after Pony Joe deflated slightly.

“All right, two donuts comin’ right up.” The orange stallion walked away, still a little disheartened at such a small order from the dragon that usually at most of his storeroom’s supplies in the form of pastries, not to mention a few of his gemstones that he had meant to give to other mares that he had his eye on.

“So… Spike, you were going to tell me how it’s been for you?” Rainbow leaned in and nudged the dragon with a hoof.

“Oh, yeah. Well, not much has been going on.” The dragon waved a claw as if he were bored with the castle life. “Wake up, help Twilight with organizing notes, talk to some nobles, go to sleep, and then repeat. Thanks Joe, put it on my tab.” Spike had added as the proprietor of the store set the plate of food before him. “Looks good.” Digging into the food with gusto, Spike gestured to her between bites. “What about you?” Crumbs sprayed from his mouth as he spoke. “Sorry.”

Calmly brushing some of the destroyed pastries from her suit’s front, she shrugged. “Not much on my side either. Well, it’s probably more exciting than yours for sure. I can’t but help feel a little sorry for you, having to hang out with that egghead Twilight all the time.” She smiled and nudged him with a hoof again, emphasizing the fact that she was joking. “But seriously, I’m just flying around with the Wonderbolts and performing all the time.”

“You make it sound so boring.”

She shrugged again, blowing a small lock of hair out of her face. “I guess I just got used to it. It’s cool and all, but sometimes I just want to go back to being a pony with that nearly impossible dream. Now that I’m here, I just feel… empty.” She shook her head and sipped at her cider, which had gratefully been spared from the showers of crumbs.

“I guess I can relate… a little. At least, the being empty part.” Instantly, the cheerful mood that they had established took a turn for the darker, the lights and even the din of conversation slightly away into the darkness that had suddenly surrounded the two friends. After a few moments of awkward shifting, Spike spoke again. “I’m sorry, Dash. I just miss her.”

“I know. I do too.” They sat in silence, staring at their food that had suddenly lost its sweet taste. “I think you miss her more though.” She rubbed at a spot on her cheek were the faint scar of a claw’s cut remained. “I’m pretty sure you miss her more.”

Grimacing at the ugly mark, Spike sighed. “I’m still sorry about that, Dash.”

“Don’t be. I deserved it.” She hung her head. “I still do.” Another silence, longer than the one that preceded it, stretched with the air of a rubber band being pulled too far. It quivered as they both revisited the day Spike had come back to Ponyville. “I’m sorry, Spike. If only you could know exactly how much.”

A claw brushed up against the scar, gently tracing along its length. “I still shouldn’t have hurt you.”

“I know why you did it, Spike. You lost the pony you love. That is a perfect reason for hurting somepony. To be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t kill me, you were that angry.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t either.” The claw pulled away and tapped against the table slowly, as if its owner was enveloped in thought. “I have a hunch though. I think it’s because even though I hated you, I knew that Rarity wouldn’t want me to hurt you.” A small tear fell onto the tabletop next to the claw. “But I did anyway.”

A cyan hoof brushed across the scaly face that wore an expression of regret. “Don’t cry, Spike.”

A claw caught her hoof and gripped it tightly, bordering on the point of pain. “You know, I still hate you a little for it. I try and try to forgive you but I can’t.” He released her and covered his eyes with his claws. “I just can’t.”

“I understand.” Rainbow felt compelled to reach for him again, but given his reaction she held herself back.

“No, you don’t.” He moaned into his claws and looked up at her with tear-filled eyes. “Do you want to know why I was mad? Why I still can’t forgive you?” She remained silent as he rubbed away his tears and took a deep breath. “It’s because I never got to know if she loved me or not. I never got to tell her that I loved her.” He descended into silent sobs and, not knowing how to act, Rainbow patted one of his arms with a hoof. “And now I’ll never know.” In the quiet that followed, the rest of the shop’s patrons were shepherded out by Pony Joe, who then placed two mugs of cocoa on the table without a word.

Rainbow stared at the mug for a few moments before speaking. “Hey, Spike?”

“Yeah?” The dragon grasped the hot drink and took a long sip.

The cyan pegasus mimicked his action. “Don’t worry about her loving you or not.”

The hot cocoa spilt onto the tabletop as the mug was slammed down against it. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because I know she loved you too. She always did.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

Wrapping her hooves around the dragon, she finally allowed for her tears to flow free. “Yeah, I’m sure.” Pulling away, she gestured to the mugs that sat on the table. “Let’s not let the free drinks go to waste.” Grabbing the tankard, she held it up in the air and clanked it against Spike’s.

Their voices, one female and the other male, spoke as one. “To Rarity.”