'Once upon a time in magical land of Equestria there were two regal sister who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest, a stick in the mud who was never interested in having fun, used her unicorn powers raise the sun at dawn. The younger, who was a lot smarter than her sister and had a much prettier mane, brought out the moon, which is better than the sun in so many ways. I mean, have you seen the sun? It looks the same, every day! The moon can be a full moon, a quarter moon, a half moon or even a new moon! Now that is pretty cool!
And thus the two maintained balance for themselves and their subjects... but we all know who was better at it (coughTheYoungerOnecough).
But as time went on the younger sister got tired of her sister always telling her to eat her vegetables and to use coasters and not put her hooves up on the table. So she decided to do like most teenagers do and go through a rebellious phase where she got some wicked armor and listened to speed metal.
Oh, and if any pony tries to tell you that some jerk with metal wings named Doubt was involved... they're lying. It was totally me... uh... I mean her. Yeah, her.
Where was I? Oh, right. So the younger one was just doing her own thing when the eldest sister, who was jealous of her sister's mane and ability to rip traitorous ponies apart with her magic, came stomping in and pitched a bitch. They fought for a while (the eldest mostly resorting to 'Yo mama' jokes) before the younger sister decided to head to the moon and chill out for a a thousand years.
And that is the history of Equestria... nothing else of importance happened.
Oh... and I guess there was also this chaos god who made chocolate rain... and these weird bug ponies... and the griffins, but I really don't pay much attention to those nerds... and this entire nation of capricorns led by an OC... you know what, nevermind, Celestia can do the friggin' opening. I'm going back to bed.'
The God Squad
Episode One: Broken Pilot
It was times like this that made Princess Luna, goddess of the moon, co-ruler of Equestria, and champion salad maker, wonder if she were adopted.
Of course that was silly. Alicorns did not occur naturally and a pony simply didn’t turn into one, despite what all those filly romance novels would have you believe (‘Seriously, they think if some colt that glitters bites them they’ll suddenly grow wings ?’ Luna had once thought after reading about the novel several of her servants had been gushing about). She and her sister had come into being because their mother, aka Mother, aka the Creator, had decided to whip them up into existence.
In the beginning there had been nothing. Then their Mother had created the world and the sky and the sea and all other sorts of things and created a god or goddess to be their masters. Then for a while she had played around with smaller things, creating ponies and dragons and dancing monkeys, before she had decided that the world needed more light than what was created by unicorn magic.
So, with a bit of fluff and some light sprinkled on top, baked for 350 degrees for 30 minutes (rotating half way through to ensure there was no burning) out of nothingness had popped a cute little alicorn foal that Mother had dubbed Celestia, goddess of the sun. A few years later, or so the story went, Mother had decided that the night need its own shining globe and, using a bit of dark clouds and a touch of pale light, whipped up in a blender and left to chill in the fridge, she’d created Luna. She had been made to compliment her big sister, to work with her to forever chase away the darkness.
And while she knew all this, she couldn’t help but wonder just how two alicorns who were so different could be related.
She looked at her sister, standing near her throne (and why she had a throne in the first place when she refused to sit…pretty much ever…was a mystery in and of itself) radiating with perfect calm. Everything about Celestia was measured and controlled, even her more darker emotions. One would have called her anal retentive but Celestia was too peaceful for even that label (and not, as some theorized, because Celestia lacked an anus; Luna could tell them childhood stories that would blow that theory out of the water).
Luna was none of those things. She wore her emotions on her sleeve (and said sleeve was so big a dragon could have used it as a blankie) and the idea of patience was such a foreign concept to her that it was practically non-existence. That is why she become Nightmare Moon after the ponies had shunned her (‘Ok, so maybe they didn’t shun me…maybe they just didn’t appreciate my beautiful night…and maybe it was only one night…and yes, it was cloudy and you couldn’t actually see the sky…’) and why she still found it so hard to interact with others. She just always seemed to say the wrong thing and cause everypony to stare at her like she was insane.
Like her sister was at that very moment (in a completely peaceful and serene way, of course).
“Little Sister, while I understand your frustrations…I believe your plan is flawed.” Celestia was pouring over some scroll, a pair of tiny little nerd-is-in glasses on her nose (which Luna suspected she only wore in order to make herself look smart).
“It isn’t flawed!” Luna complained.
“You believe it wise to hunt down Queen Chrysalis and, I quote, ‘hoofpunch her in the rump’?”
Luna nodded happily. “Of course. If you would prefer, I could change it to ‘buck her in the snout’.”
Celestia merely glanced up from the scroll, not even bothering to roll her eyes. “No.”
“So we can stick with hoofpunching.”
Celestia sighed. “I mean no to your entire proposal.”
“But sister…”
“No.”
“Then how about-“
“Yes,” Celestia said, already knowing her sister was going to try and ask her the exactly opposite of her original question in an attempt to trip her up.
Luna stuck her tongue out at her sister. Yes it was childish and unbefitting a princess, but so was being a mean stupid poopyhead.
Celestia let out a sigh (a nice, calm, peaceful sigh). “Luna, it simply isn’t practical.”
“So?” Luna charged, paced up and down in agitation. “The changelings kidnapped our niece and held her in a dungeon for nearly a week. Their queen attacked you in front of everypony and trapped you in that weird…goo thing-“
“Goo thing?” Celestia asked.
“Yes, goo-thing. That is what it was.”
“Actually it was a protoplasmic discharge that…”
Luna, at that point, resorted to an ancient and powerful technique first mastered by the Tora Tora Pony Monks of West Equestria. It had been passed down from generation to generation, a secret known only to the monks until 1,230 years ago when Brother Loose Lips had gotten tipsy during The Prancing Human Bar and Grill’s Two for One Cider night and told the secret to a mare whose name he had been trying to get (she went home with the bartender). Now, the ancient and powerful technique was known to all but that didn’t make it any less powerful…or ancient.
It was known as ‘tuning the pony out’.
Luna looked at the scroll Celestia still held up with her magic, scowling in annoyance. She knew the only pony that could have sent her sister a letter was Celestia’s prized student, Twilight Sparkle. The little unicorn was always sending the princess letters about the exciting adventures she was going on and the lives she was affecting and improving. It made Luna sick to her stomach and at times she considered using her magic to send the moon crashing into Ponyville just to get her to stop (she would NOT, however, carve a giant face in the moon, as was suggested by her servant Dust Buster, who was REALLY into The Legend of Epona).
She hated those letters and she hated Twilight Sparkle so much…because the unicorn got to do so many fun and exciting things! It just wasn’t fair!
Fighting dragons! Taking on hydras! Beating back villains and tricksters! Exploring the Everfree! Fluttershy! Even the little things, like bucking trees or having spa days ! Luna wanted that desperately. Life in the court was so boring, especially after having been the great terror of Equestria. Oh, she didn’t want to go back to being Nightmare Moon…but there was something said to the enjoyment one could find in sending ponies fleeing in terror and plotting out delicious traps for her oh so pure sister (and that last one would have totally worked if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dragon).
After Luna’s return from the moon, Celestia had decided that it would be best to ease her sister into the modern world slowly. And by slowly she meant at a pace that would make a snail go “hurry up, grandma!” It wouldn’t have been that bad, if not for the fact that Celestia had coddled her like she was some foal who had just learned to canter. Every visit for that first year with anyone but the servants had been done under Celestia’s watchful eye and the moment things looked to get even a bit exciting she was sent off to her room. Luna hadn’t even been allowed to go to the Galloping Gala (though, from what she had heard about it, that might have been a good thing). She’d managed to sneak away during Nightmare Night but Celestia had been there to greet her when she returned like a stallion pacing the floors, waiting for his filly to come home from Prom.
That’s why Luna had come up with the plan to go hunting for Queen Chrysalis. She wanted to get out, stretch her wings and have an adventure. She wanted to go hunting for bad guys and eat exotic foods and dance on the beach barehoof.
And here was her sister, ruining all her fun.
“…Luna, are you listening to me?” Celestia asked.
“Uh huh,” Luna said quickly.
“Oh…good.” Celestia smiled and Luna thanked Mother that her sister, bless her flowing mane, had no idea how to identify sarcasm. Sometimes Luna wondered if common pony traits simply had no room in that pretty little head of hers. “Now, if you would like to draw up some better plans, I am sure Shining Armor would be happy to help.”
Luna rolled her eyes as the white stallion trotted over to them. Shining was captain of Celestia’s royal guard and, more importantly, their nephew-in-law. Or brother-in-law. It was hard to tell with their family, what with Mother just creating them out of thin air on whim. Technically all her children were their siblings…but some of them were so old or too strange or just too annoying for Luna to consider them close family (such as ‘uncle’ Discord). But Shining Armor’s wife was Princess Cadence, the goddess of love and, more importantly, Luna’s ‘niece’, which made Shining family as well.
He was also a bit of a worry wart and a party pooper. Considering whom his sister was Luna wasn’t surprised.
“Well, of course Princess,” Shining said, utterly dutiful as always. Luna wondered if he practiced in the mirror each night before hopping into bed (‘Yes Princess Celestia’ ‘Of course Princess Celestia’ ‘How long must I bend over, Princess Celestia?’). The captain cleared his throat as he ramped up for a long speech. “I would suggest that we first take some time to examine the changeling race, do some research into their society and their biology…”
“I am going to be using that technique a lot today, aren’t I?” Luna muttered.
“Huh?” Shining said.
“Nothing!” Luna sang.
Shining was about ready to open his mouth (and Luna was about ready to shut her ears) when the doors to the throne room were thrown open and a capricorn that rivaled Celestia in size burst in, murder blazing in his eyes. Of course, for a capricorn that was a common sight; they were, after all, a warrior race prone to fighting first and asking questions later (if at all). The old king (who looked rather youthful even if he was well over 4,000 years old) zeroed in on the sun goddess and bellow, “Celestia!”
Luna smirked. Lord Tydal, king of the Mareatine Sea, ruler of the capricorns, master of Tydal’s Keep in Bridle Bay and god of the sea (along with several other titles that he had gathered over the years, including the 5 Time Cursing Champ and winner of the 3rd Annual Mareatine Seaweed Eating contest) was one of the few beings in Canterlot that could cause more of a ruckus than Luna herself.
Tydal only made the issue of family relations even stickier for the princesses. One of the older members of their family, Tydal had been the one to train Celestia and Luna in the art of magic after their Mother had left the two, then fillies, on his draw bridge with a simple “enjoy!” before she went off and made some sprites. They had been raised in his keep and all at once saw him as a father, a grumpy uncle, and a mentor. After he had returned to them a few months ago (after getting over a nasty case of ‘being turned to stone’) and Celestia had asked their ‘brother’ (the term the sisters had finally decided to apply to him, much as Celestia had chosen ‘niece’ for Cadence… to Tydal’s annoyance) to come stay in Canterlot for a season to help reintegrate into a world that had leapt 1,500 years ahead of him.
Reintegration to capricorns apparently meant doing all they could to raise Tartarus.
Tydal had, in no short order, destroyed three rooms, draining the royal pool, ruined a royal dinner and, on 6 separate occasions, had to be dragged away from Prince Blueblood, lest he decapitate the unicorn with his tail. That did not take into account his blatant disrespect to the Canterlot elite, including one incident where he had caused 4 mares to faint purely by cursing (showing that he had earned his title fair and square!).
Every time Celestia had asked him what had happened, the god of the sea had grunted and told her, “I’m a warrior king, what did you expect?” before going find some cider to drink and leaving the princess gaping at the carnage left in his wake.
The only reason Tydal hadn’t been banished to the moon, other than the fact that Celestia and Luna loved the old goat with all their hearts, was that both sisters feared for the moon if they left Tydal upon it.
“I’m sorry my queen!” the guard said, trying to grab onto Tydal’s long fish tail without being sliced to ribbons by the razor sharp fan at the end of it. “I tried to stop this OC from entering but he insisted on joining all of you.”
“It is quite alright. Please let Lord Tydal go,” Celestia said.
The capricorn stomped away from the guard, heading over to Luna and giving his ‘sister’ an affectionate nuzzle. He’d never say it, but Luna knew she was his favorite (and he her’s).
“OC?” Shining asked.
“Oceanic Creature, of course.”
All in the room nodded.
“Do not worry guard; Tydal will not hurt any of us.”
The guard glared at the trouble-causing warrior. “I don’t know…I think letting him stay will ruining the fic.”
“The what now?” Luna asked.
“The fic…the Functionality In Canterlot.”
“Ahhhh,” all four in attendance said.
“Guard, what is your name?” Shining asked.
“Wall Breaker, sir.”
Celestia frowned (and yet somehow made it look calm, much to Luna’s annoyance). “Why have I heard that name before?”
“All the stallions in my family since my great grandfather have been named Wall Breaker, Princess. I am the 4th Wall Breaker.”
The three gods and the captain blinked.
“Uh…well, thank you, guard. You may leave us,” Shining said.
“Yes sir!” The guard saluted, though he gave Tydal a foul look. “I will be keeping an eye on you, to make sure you don’t turn out to be a Mary Sue.” When the others just stared, the guard opened his mouth to explain, only for Tydal to use his magic to slam the door in his face.
“Celestia, I have come to the conclusion all your guards are idiots.” He looked over at the captain of the royal guard (and technically his nephew-in-law/brother-in-law as well). “Oh, hello Shining. Some offense.”
“Don’t you mean ‘no offense’?” The captain asked.
Tydal merely shrugged his shoulders and trotted over to Celestia. “I see you repaired that skylight.”
“That wasn’t a skylight…you just blasted a hole through the ceiling after one of the council members spent twenty minutes prattling on about zoning ordinances,” Luna politely reminded him.
“Ah, right right.” He gave Celestia a nuzzle of her own before smiling. “Did Luna tell you our brilliant plan?”
“No, she did not,” Celestia stated. “She was too busy telling me a crazy and most likely suicidal plan.”
The capricorn nodded. “Right then, I’ll tell you our brilliant plan then: we find Queen Chrysalis and hoofpunch her in the flank.”
Celestia just stared at him, it clear from the twitch of her eyebrow that she was wondering if her mentor had suffered brain damage during his time as a stone statue.
“If you don’t like that we could also buck her in the snout,” Tydal said pleasantly.
“…what is wrong with you two?” Shining demanded.
“Lots of things, why do you ask?” Luna and Tydal both asked at the same time. The two shared a smile, which only grew when they saw Celestia’s other eyebrow twitch. Oh yes, they were in for it now…they had actually made Celestia attempt a glare.
Attempt being the key word, because if that were a glare then it was the softest, kindest glare anyone had ever seen. Bunnies had given harder glares. Baby bunnies.
“Tydal, I understand that you have had…difficulties…here in Canterlot-“ Luna snorted but didn’t interrupt her sister, “-but you must understand it is for the best. The capricorn race has been gone from this world for 1,500 years and with your return everything has been flipped on its head. I want to ease the transition, to ensure that there are no prejudices.”
“I agree,” Tydal said, all humor and amusement leaving his voice as he began to pace the up and down the room. It was easy to forget with his brash manners and gruff attitude that Tydal was a king and a god and had ruled the Mareatine Sea for 2,500 years before coming down with a case of ‘I got turned into a rock saving you lot from Discord’. “It is of the absolute necessity that my subjects and yours learn to get along with one another.”
“I am glad we agree.”
“Which is why Luna and I need to go on an adventure; if I don’t get in a fight soon I will probably lop some high society unicorn’s head off and I imagine that will cause a bit of a stir.”
“Did you just threaten to murder somepony in front of the princess?” Shining Armor questioned, looking positively scandalized.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Luna muttered.
“I could just seriously maim them, if you’d prefer, Shining.”
“I would not.”
“A nice disemboweling?”
Celestia sighed. “Tydal…please…”
“I am a warrior, Celestia, and a capricorn. Capricorns do not believe in societal ranks and other trash like that. If my subjects live in the dirt than I must be the muddiest of them all.” His tail thrashed in aggravation. “I understand why things are the way they are. I understand the hand you were dealt and why you must suffer the fools and their parties and galas and their belief that it the actions of one’s forefathers that determines your power and prestige. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. The changelings have caused you problems…unleash Luna and I on them and well will deal with them. Let me do what Mother created me to do…let me bring the rage of the sea.”
Luna would have begun to clap if she didn’t already know what her sister’s answer would be.
“No.”
Tydal glowered.
“I am sorry,” Celestia said, lowering her head a bit as her old teacher let out a grunt of annoyance. “I know this bothers you but it would simply not be smiled upon, sending you out to fight the changelings. There are certain expectations…”
Luna and Tydal both shared a look and used the art of ‘tune her out’.
They had figured Celestia would turn them down and Luna had wanted to simply bolt from the castle and go on the adventure without bothering to ask. She was, afterall, one of the rulers of Equestria, so she should have the right to do as she pleased.
Tydal had pointed out that the last time Luna had come to a conclusion like that, she’d ended up sealed in the moon for a thousand years wearing an ugly helmet (‘I liked it…’ Luna had protested). He had told her that out of common courtesy they needed to talk to Celestia, to see if she would grant them permission to basically lead a two pony army against the changeling empire.
And when she said no, they would fall back on Plan B: Do it anyway.
“-and then they made me their chief.” Celestia blinked, tilting her head. “Sister, are you listening to me?”
“Of course!” Luna said quickly. “We weren’t ignoring you and plotting to go against your advice!”
“…oh, good!” Celestia smiled, eyes going back to the scroll she had been reading. “I am glad you have seen reason.”
Luna nodded. “Oh, yes I have, dear sister, yes I have. Thank you ever so much for opening my eyes to my mistake.” She glanced over at Tydal, waiting for him to chime in, but he was still in the middle of the ancient technique (and, if Luna stared hard enough, she thought she could see the image of him brutally beating Prince Blueblood with a folding chair playing in his eyes). She kneed him hard enough to get the sea god to snap out of it, looking about.
“Right…whatever Luna said.”
“Good!” Celestia said happily, not noticing the wink Luna sent Tydal or the furrowed brow of the Captain.
“By the way...I am suddenly in the mood for cupcakes!”
“Did someone say Cupcakes?” Wall Breaker said, opening the door. “Because I hated that fanf-“
Tydal slammed the door in the guard’s face once more.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “It is a bit early for cupcakes, but I suppose I could have the chef-“
“No no no…I want special cupcakes. Like the one as Sugarcube Corner. You know, the one in Ponyville? I think I will pop down there and grab a few.”
Tydal quickly nodded. “And I will join her.”
“Oh, well that sounds like fun,” Celestia said, finishing with Twilight’s letter and setting it aside.
Luna flashed a smile that would have made her Nightmare Moon persona very proud. “Also, just to let you know, so you don’t worry or send a search party, we are going to take the long way, since Tydal can’t exactly fly. So we might be a few hours….or weeks…late. But don’t worry…we aren’t going to go hunting for changelings!”
“Because we said we wouldn’t,” Tydal added, trying his best to sound as grumpy and off-put as possible (which, for him, wasn’t that hard).
Celestia nodded, a slight smile gracing her lips. “Very good.”
Luna and Tydal both nodded to each other, heading towards the door…only to realize Celestia was following them. “Was there something else, big sister?” Luna asked.
“Oh no, nothing.”
Luna took a step forward, only to hear her sister do the same.
“Uh…Celestia?”
The sun goddess smiled. “I merely realized that I too could go for a cupcake…would you mind if I joined you?”
Tydal and Luna looked at each other, wondering if Celestia was in on their game or just being her usual, naive self. It was hard to tell with her at times. “Uh…of course not…” Luna stammered.
“Princess, I don’t think that is a wise idea!” Shining said, hurrying to try and stop the three from leaving. “You will be walking to Ponyville…there could be danger and demons and Diamond Dogs and disasters!”
“And other things that start with D!” Luna added.
“Gods, Shining, gods,” Tydal reminded him.
The stallion blushed slightly at that reminded but still held his ground.
“If you are so concerned, Shining Armor, you may accompany us,” Celestia said, missing the grimace Luna and Tydal shared.
“Well…I would love to, Princess, but Cadence-“
“Are we getting cupcakes?!” Cadence squealed, popping up behind Shining Armor (she had been taking Interdimensional Teleportation classes from Pinkie Pie for the last 4 weeks).
“Yes, would you like to come?” Celestia said.
“Oh would I!” Cadence giggled, clapping her hooves together. “I love cupcakes…”
“You do know that cupcakes is not a sexual act, right?” Luna asked. “We are talking about the pastry.”
“Oh…” Cadence frowned before perking up. “Can I use them during sex?”
“I…suppose…”
“Then I am with you!”
“…bugger,” Luna and Tydal muttered.