//------------------------------// // That's Not Mr. Ed! // Story: My Little Teelo: Winter's Silence // by Ardwolf //------------------------------// In which we learn the difference between Equus ferus caballus and Equus sapiens Equestriana. “That’s probably Matt.” Teagan said. “I better get the door, so I can prepare him.” A giggle forced its way out of her. “Nobody say anything till I bring him in, ok?” Sun Hammer sat down. By now Teagan was used to seeing ponies sit like dogs, but her parents stared, confused. “Whit? Ye ne’er seen somepony sit afore?” Sun Hammer asked. Teagan ran to the front door, nervously wondering just what Matt would make of Sun Hammer. He’d been ok with Crush. Well, freaked out by Crush, but he was still teaching her. She wondered if he’d be willing to go to Equestria as she opened the door. “Hi Matt. Come on in. Listen, before you go into the living room there’s something you need to know.” Teagan said nervously. “What’s that, Squirt?” He walked in, talking in everything without seeming to. She knew that look. “First, lay off the ‘Squirt’, its Christmas. Second, we have company. You don’t need to be ready to kill him, ok?” “Your mom sounded pretty upset.” He said quietly. She shrugged. “Yes, she is. Something’s come up Matt. A bit of old business. But the company is a friend of mine. I met him during my abduction and he helped me get home.” “Go on.” Matt said quietly. “Well, he’s not—what you expect.” Teagan said, at a loss of how to tell her instructor what was waiting for him. “Please don’t freak out. He’s kind of got scars…” “Teelo, you know me better than that.” Matt’s steady brown eyes watched her from his craggy face. He’d always reminded her of an old tree, gnarled but strong. He’d retired young, some hush-hush thing he wouldn’t talk about, which was why he was only in his mid-forties. “I’m a little disappointed you think a few scars would make any difference to me. I’ve seen worse, believe me.” “Well, that’s not—um, look he’s really different, ok? I just want to make sure you don’t, well, attack him or something.” “What? Teelo, what the hell is going on?” He demanded, giving her that look that always made her knees shake. Matt could be scary when he wanted to be. “Matt, I’m trying to prepare you for a shock. He promised me he’d behave himself, but I need you to be calm and not overreact, ok?” “Why would I do that?” He asked, watching her coolly. Teagan sighed. Matt was a master at hiding what he was thinking until he wanted someone to know. “He’s not—oh forget it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Come on.” Matt followed her into the living room and stopped, staring at Sun Hammer. “Why is there a horse in your living room?” He asked mildly. “A be a pony, ye ken.” Sun Hammer said. He smiled with a cheerful baring of very large teeth. “Pleased tae meet ya. Name’s Sun Hammer. Ye must be Matt.” Matt stood for a couple of seconds, taking in the room. Teagan’s parents looking upset and angry, Teagan standing next to the—pony?—which was still showing him its teeth. “Teelo, you have some fascinating friends.” He finally said calmly. “Hi Sun Hammer. I’m Matt Sanders. We don’t get many talking ponies around here. I take it you’re from the same place Crush is?” “Aye.” Sun Hammer nodded. Teagan felt cheated. Matt was taking this in stride! Where was the freak out? It wasn’t fair! “Matt, you have to talk her out of this insanity!” Elaine burst out. “What insanity would that be, Elaine? Remember, I just got here. How about filling me in?” He asked her in the same calm voice he used to ask for another cup of coffee or explain the attack he’d just knocked Teagan down with and how to counter it. Matt was a very calm guy. “Sun Hammer wants to take my daughter into a cartoon to fight a war for them!” She said angrily. “Which cartoon?” He asked after a moment absorbing that astounding claim. “My Little Pony.” Teagan answered as her mother gaped at the ex-soldier. “Can’t say I’ve ever heard of it.” He looked Sun Hammer over. “Doesn’t look so little to me. He’s what, five feet at the shoulder? I’d guess he weighs over a thousand pounds too.” “A got big bones, so A dae.” Sun Hammer said. “Maist ponies be a wee bit smaller.” “About the size of Shetland ponies.” Teagan added. “That would explain the title.” He noted. “What’s this about a war?” “Long story short, the ruling Princess of Equestria—who’s actually a goddess and raises the sun every day—got kidnapped. Her sister is raising the sun until we can get her back, but she’s barely able to do it, even with help. She might not be able to do it for much longer. If that happens—well, no more Equestria. Without Celestia there the Troll King will declare war against the ponies on top of everything else.” “And you can do what, exactly?” Matt asked. His weathered face was expressionless. “Stop the war. Trolls won’t fight me since I have Crush. It’s some kind of holy relic or something—it used to belong to the old troll king. Anyway, that will let the ponies concentrate on finding the Princess before it’s too late.” “Politics.” Matt noted. “Good to see other species are as screwed up as we are. However, be aware politics are seldom as simple as you would like to think, Teelo. The Middle-East is a great example. I’m betting Equestria’s just as bad.” “This laddie kens whit he’s aboot.” Sun Hammer said approvingly. “Mind you, trolls be semple an straight-forward. If a troll’s unhappy it be either shoutin’ or cloutin’. Always respected that aboot ‘em. Ye always ken where ye stand wi a troll.” “Sounds safe enough.” Matt commented. “You’d be in the capital, well defended, among royalty. I take it ponies are civilized?” “Very.” Teagan said. “More than us.” “So why are you so upset, Elaine?” “She didn’t tell you they want her to help rescue the princess from whatever kidnapped her.” Elaine snapped. “Ah. Is that true, Squirt?” He asked, watching her calmly. Teagan swallowed. She knew that mild look. “Yes, it is.” She said firmly. “Princess Celestia probably saved my life—twice. She even kept me from murdering someone with Crush. Oh, and some of my friends that could die? They saved my life too. So I owe them.” “Last time you went there it messed up your head a little.” Matt noted. “You still haven’t recovered. You go back again it will get worse. Trust me.” “I know. But would that stop you?” He shrugged. “No. But I’m not you. I was a Green Beret for twenty years, Teelo. I’m all kinds of crazy.” “Come with me.” She blurted. He didn’t say anything, thinking about it. “Matt! War is no place for a 16 year old girl!” Elaine said. “Tell her!” “Already did.” Matt replied. “Months ago. She barely made the bathroom in time.” “What?” Her father asked blankly. Matt looked over at him. “I told her about the time my squad came into a village the Taliban had—punished—three days before. A couple of the children were still alive. Barely. Nobody else was.” Sun Hammer suddenly looked very serious. Teagan refused to remember that particular story; it still made her sick to think about. Her parents didn’t say anything, too shocked by the revelation. “Equestria sounds interesting. How long till you leave?” Matt asked. Teelo checked her watch. “About five and a half hours. You want to come too?” She asked hopefully. “Thinking about it. Tell me about last time.” “This crazy demon-possessed monster named Discord somehow sent a tulpa to my room and yanked me into Equestria. He wanted to free himself from being a statue and used me to bring his tulpa to the statue, which freed him. It was all magic stuff and I still don’t understand it. Anyway, he gets free and tries to kill Princess Celestia only I distract him long enough for her to teleport away, and then I made a wager with him. My friends and I go to this graveyard several hours north of the capital where we fight him. After a nasty fight I managed to break his arm with Crush, and then break his neck. I was about to bash his skull in when the Princess teleports in and stops me. She frees the ponies then they use this magical artifact and turn him back to stone. I spend the next two weeks healing my feet, and then came back home.” “Hmm. Pretty typical for a cartoon. You do realize in this world you’d be dead a half-dozen times over if you pulled a stunt like that?” “Why do you think I’m always on edge?” Teagan asked. “So this is the second time in a year the Princess was targeted?” Matt asked. “Does that happen a lot?” “It dinnae.” Sun Hammer said firmly. “The last time was twelve years ago now, the auld Troll King. But laik A said, that was semple. The Troll King were unhappy cause we was tresspassin’ a wee bit. Twere nae dark business laik today.” “What about this Discord?” Sun Hammer snorted. “That were semple too, lest ways fer the whit way. Discord wanted tae be free. Nightmare tricked him and turned him from daft tae evil when it possessed him.” “So could this Nightmare be behind the kidnapping?” “Nae. The Chief Horn his ain self says the spell used were nae cast by any creature he kens. Demons hae tae use their host’s magic.” “Besides, Princess Celestia killed Nightmare. I saw it die.” Teagan said. “So what you’re saying is you have no idea who took the Princess, why she was taken, or if she’s still alive.” Matt said. “You have no idea where to look for her. That about sum it up?” “Aye.” Sun Hammer nodded. “An wi nae Teelo we’d be neck deep in trolls tae boot.” “Sounds like you need a detective more than a soldier Teelo.” Matt commented. “I was never good at sniffing out bad guys, I left that to Bone.” “Bone?” She asked. “Yeah. The squad leader. Had a nose for trouble.” “Do I dare ask why you call him Bone?” Teagan inquired. “No.” Matt said with a grin. “You don’t want to do that.” “All righty then. Back to the problem at hand. I called that pair of detectives that handled my abduction case. I doubt they’ll come with me, but they might be able to recommend somebody who will. “Really?” Matt asked doubtfully. “Not everybody is as easy going as I am toward the impossible, Squirt. Can’t see the KCPD being ok with talking ponies and magical princesses.” “Well, the two of them know about Equestria. I showed them Crush.” Teagan said. “That’s why they wrote up my abduction as a runaway instead.” “That must have been a fun conversation.” He noted. “So aside from the fact everyone there is a pony what’s Equestria like?” “Well, let’s see. First it’s really colorful. Every single pony looks like they got in dipped in rainbow paint. They’re really kind of garish, no offense Sun Hammer.” “Nane taken.” The pony replied. “Some ponies got double-helpin’s o’ vivid, tis nae lie.” “What about their society? Technology level? Customs? Who are their enemies? I take it the place is a monarchy, so what about other countries?” “Jeez Matt, I don’t know! Um, I know they have trains, but no cars, and no airplanes. Pinkie has a rocket launcher but I don’t think anybody else does, Princess Celestia was really surprised to see it.” “Aye! I been meanin’ tae see if old Doc Whooves can whip up more o’ them things.” Sun Hammer interjected. “Might come in handy.” “You just want more weapons for your collection.” Teagan retorted. “What else? Oh, yeah, electricity isn’t real common, but there are some crazy mad-science kind of machines here and there. Magic is really common. Oh, they don’t have guns. From what I saw in the armory they use medieval kinds of weapons, clubs, crossbows, that kind of stuff. Only the ponies haven’t really had a war in like a thousand years.” “Then why haven’t their neighbors wiped them out?” Matt asked. “There’s more to them than meets the eye or they wouldn’t still be around.” “Ponies can fecht, so we can.” Sun Hammer said in annoyance. “We nae be helpless bairns.” “You’re right about that!” Teagan laughed. “Don’t piss off the ponies! They’re warm and friendly but if you try to hurt them they will knock you into next week.” “Aye.” Sun Hammer said contentedly. “Sun Hammer, on the other hand, is just plain crazy.” Teagan said, laying her hand on his neck affectionately. “The first time I laid eyes on him he was threatening to attack Princess Luna.” “Well, hou wis A tae ken it were the Princess and not some trick o’ Discord’s?” He asked as though it were just common sense. “Princess Celestia popped in all bluidy an cut up, sayin’ how Discord had come back tae life. Made me nervous, so it did. Him throwin’ lightning an aw.” “Lightning?” Elaine exclaimed. “Teagan! You never said he could throw lightning! What else could he do?” She glared at her daughter. “Um, pretty much anything he wanted?” She answered, knowing it was the wrong thing to say. “The last time he got out he made it rain chocolate milk. He’s a god, Mom. Lord of Chaos, he said.” “Sounds like a barrel of laughs.” Matt said sarcastically. She shrugged. “He likes to play games. Wants to give his opponents a fair fight, so it’s more interesting for him. Without Nightmare he could be dangerous I guess, but the ponies defeated him. With Nightmare possessing him he turned into Freddy Krueger.” “And you fought him? Teagan, what were you thinking?” Her mother asked her. “I really didn’t have much choice, now did I?” Teagan retorted, starting to get angry again. “He didn’t give me any say in the matter, Mom! I was the one who freed him! All right? It was my fault he got out! He played me for a fool. And Fluttershy was nearly tortured to death because of it!” There was a shocked silence following her outburst. Sun Hammer was the first to speak. “Ye daft quine.” He said softly. “That’s nae true. Discord pulled the wool o’er aw wir eyes, so he did. Even the Princess her ain self were fooled. Ye’re nae tae blame, Teelo. Besides, ye set it right, so ye did.” “You can’t blame yourself when the enemy manages to trick you, Teelo.” Matt said sternly. “You don’t blame yourself when I knock you flat on your back, now do you?” “That’s different.” She said. “He was hiding in my bunny slippers, Matt! Twilight told me they were magical, I felt him put them on my hands the night he abducted me! I should have known something was up. When I ran away from that manticore they stayed on my feet! I was sprinting. I knew he’d enchanted them. I should have let Angel chew them to pieces!” “Manticore?” Her father asked quietly. “Like a big lion, pumpkin?” “Yeah.” She admitted. Her mother refused to look at her, choosing to glare at the floor instead. “It was about the size of Sun Hammer. Bat wings and a scorpion’s tail. I walked in while it was eating a deer.” She shuddered. “Not pleasant. I backed away like you told me and didn’t run till I was out of sight.” “Now all this place needs is a fire breathing dragon.” Matt said, chuckling. “Met one of those too. Twilight’s assistant. She treats him like her little brother. He’s about three feet tall. Really nice guy—who can breathe a twenty-foot plume of fire. Rarity tells me dragons can grow up to be a hundred feet long.” “Any other monsters, Teagan?” Elaine asked bitterly. “Um, yeah. Lots.” She admitted reluctantly. “Just because it’s a cartoon doesn’t mean its all sunshine and rainbows. I actually went online and watched all the episodes when I got back. Knowing what I know now puts them in a whole new light.” “So? What other monsters, Teagan?” Elaine demanded. “Does it matter, Mom? Yes, Equestria’s dangerous, all right? I get it! But my friends are going to die if I don’t go back! So I am going back!” She glared at her mother, who couldn’t meet her eyes. “I could really use your help, Matt.” Teagan said more quietly to her instructor. “All right, I’m in.” He said, pulling out his phone. “Just let me call Jerry so he’ll know I’ve gotta go away for a while. Then I’ll go get my kit. I’ll be back before Bifröst opens again.” “The Bridge of Days.” Teagan corrected him. He shrugged, standing up. “Either way it’s a rainbow bridge.” He grinned. “Elaine, I can’t stop her—and I really don’t think I should. But at least I’ll be there to watch her back.” “Thank you.” She said, surprising Teagan. “I don’t want her to go at all, but having a Green Beret along at least means she might have a chance of coming back. Keep her safe, Matt. Please.” “I’ll do my best, Elaine. I’d hate to lose all the time I’ve invested training Squirt.” “Squirt. A laik that.” Sun Hammer chuckled. “She be a long drink o’ water, ye ken. Tho it seems laik ye grow ‘em tall round here.” “They think I’m tall.” Teagan giggled, relaxing now that her mother had become resigned to the idea of her going. That’s when the door bell rang again.