Art by Magic Matt
A note from the authors:
Well, this extra large chapter is the end of the story. For now. We hope you have enjoyed this awful shitsmeared magic fuckery we call a fanfic. See you later you silly cunts.
“What the fuck do you mean she doesn’t have a face?” Doobie yelled.
The three guys were standing outside Twilight’s library observing Doobie’s handiwork.
“You dragged her all the way to the library by her tail. Her face has been sanded off by the floor.” Spike said, pointing to the red and orange trail behind Doobie.
“Not to mention all of the horrified people we passed getting here, you stupid fuck.” Magic Matt chimed in.
Doobie thought for a second and concluded that dragging the quite obviously dead pony around out in the open was not, in fact, a good idea.
Doobie picked up Applejack’s corpse by the tail and swung it around before slamming it into the door, causing it to fly off of its hinges.
“You could have just opened it, you know.” Spike said, looking into the doorless frame.
“Yeah, I could of. I also could have had sex with the corpse, set the library on fire and danced around with a hedgehog up my ass while sucking a fat horse dick but I didn’t.” Doobie retorted while grabbing the very dead applejack and throwing her onto the table in the centre of the room.
Matt walked inside with a confused spike in tow and started to roll a joint.
“Hey Spike. You know shit about stuff, right? Right. Well, how about you fetch us a book on how to resurrect the dead?” Doobie said to the purple midget.
“Uh, I guess I could have a look.” Spike said while fucking off to the bookshelves and going through the large amount of books covering subjects from Aardvark anatomy to Zoophilia.
A few minutes later Spike had made less progress finding a related book than Matt had rolling the joint without any fingers. He remembered Twilight saying something about a dangerous book that should never fall into the wrong hooves and going into the basement to lock it up.
He looked over at Doobie and Matt playing with Applejack’s dead body like it was a marionette.
They seemed capable of handling a questionable dark tome.
Spike headed down to the basement and walked over to a box that has been locked with enchanted chains.
He pondered for a while what he could do to get the chains off when the answer came to him in the form of two ponies falling painfully down the basement stairs.
“Need that box opened, little man?” Doobie said after he had gotten up.
“Uh, yeah. I heard twilight saying something about a dangerous book a while ago and thought we might find something useful in there.” Spike told Doobie.
“Hmm. Dangerous, you say? Danger is my middle name!” Doobie yelled triumphantly.
“I thought it was wesley.” Said Matt, walking up to the pony and the dragon.
“Quiet, you.”
Doobie told the others to stand back as he aimed his horn at the heavy padlock on the box.
“You know, this doesn’t seem like the best idea. Remember what happened last time you tried to do magic?” Matt said, looking slightly worried. Not for Doobie’s safety, but for his own.
“Shut up bitch, I’m trying to magic!” Doobie said as his horn started to glow.
His horn crackled at first and then flickered bright green. It then shot a bolt of what looked like electricity. Just before the bolt hit the box it stopped dead in mid air, turned around, shaped itself into a fist and socked Doobie right in the jaw making him fly backwards and hit the wall like a pancake. He slid down the wall and settled on the floor. The hoof made of electricity raised it’s middle finger and then disappeared.
“B- bag that shit up, my magic hates me yo.” Doobie said.
Matt reached into his mane and pulled out a rather large amount of stale cheese. “My cheese... she stinks!” He hollered before he went forth to consume the yellow substance.The tasty morsel sat in his stomach, slowly releasing the power within.
“Say Ch- cheese.” He said, eyes crossed, he began to shake vigorously.
“You... You alright there buddy?” Doobie asked.
“N- Never Butter.” Matt replied, passing out on the hard stone floor.
“O-K.” Doobie muttered, focusing on the locks and chains. “I’m gonna go back to smashing up these locks, you just lie there.
Doobie got up, walked up to the box and gave it his hardest kick. The box repelled him back onto the wall with a sickening crack. Once again he slid down the wall into a puddle of himself.
“Oh, there’s a key here.” Spike said as he picked up a key lying near the box.
“Y- you fuckin’ wot, mate?” Doobie said.
Spike shoved the key into the lock. He turned the key clockwise until the lock popped out. Matt suddenly arose from his cheese induced trip and dragged himself towards Spike, who was reaching to open the mysterious box.
“What’s all this then, chaps?” In reality it sounded more like “Ffsh, gaargghffpfllf.” he just gargled and threw up a little.
Doobie tapped Spike on the shoulder. “Allow me.” He muttered, placing his hooves around the lid of the box. The box was opened and the three misfits peeked inside.
“A spell book. Hmmm...” Spike said
“Yo Fingers, you’re not high on cheese or suffering from a concussion. Figure out what the fuck the title of this is.” Doobie demanded, picking up the large black book and burying it in Spike’s face.
“T- t-...”
“T- t- t- TODAY, JUNIOR!” Matt chundered.
“T- Twilight’s personal fillyphoedia files.”
“What? Give me that shit!” Doobie yelled as he grabbed the book and shoved his face into the pages. He couldn’t read at the moment because of his head being smacked against a wall twice but he could make out the pictures. A bunch of saucy doodles of a foal fiddling nature mostly comprised of the CMC.
“Sweet Celestia of Equestria! She’s a pedo!” Doobie yelled.
Matt snatched the book from Doobie and looked at the pictures, flipping through the pages and looking more aroused with every glance. Stupid sexy ponies.
“Could you guys, uh... Maybe give me a minute or five?” Matt said, engrossed in the book.
“Sure thing, you disgusting wanker.” Said Doobie as he dragged Applejack up the stairs into the main room of the library, Spike at his heels.
Doobie closed the door and threw Applejack into the centre of the room.
“Well, it looks like it’s up to us to reanimate Applejack.” Spike said.
“It would appear that way. Unfortunately my normally awful magic is either going to be awful or amazing due to this concussion.” Doobie said.
“Well, if we don’t try we’ll never know.” Spike said as he pushed Doobie closer to the faceless former Applejack.
“Alright. Here goes...”
Doobie leaned forward and aimed his horn at the dead body. The horn lit up and he fired a bolt of random magic at it. The only thing that accomplished was severing one of the back legs.
“...Shit. That’s not supposed to come off.” Doobie said.
Doobie suddenly had a borderline retarded idea, although he didn’t know that. He grabbed Spike and squeezed him like a cake icer. A stream of magical fire shot out of spike and hit the leg, evaporating it and sending it out of the window in a green stream of flame.
“Dude! Do you realise what you’ve done?” Spike shouted.
“Not entirely.” Doobie said.
*******
Princess Celestia was reading the latest issue of Banana Fancy when a stream of magical fire came through her window.
“Ah, this must be the new friendship report from Twilight I was told about!” She said, putting her magazine down and waiting for the scroll to materialize.
Instead of what she expected, the magical fire took slightly longer to manifest into the object that was originally sent and instead of being a scroll, an orange severed pony leg popped up and fell to the ground with a splat.
Confused and disgusted, Princess Celestia gagged and almost threw up onto her expensive shag carpeting. Why on earth would Twilight send her such an atrocity? And whose leg was it? Maybe Twilight was in terrible danger! She would depart for Ponyville at once.
********
“...Oh.” Doobie said after Spike had given the details on where the leg would go.
“Yeah. Now what are we going to do?” Spike asked.
“Well, if I was Celestia right now I would be reading Banana Fancy. So I’d say we still have plenty of time before she gets here demanding an explanation. Let’s get back to work.”
Doobie charged up his horn and fired a second bolt of seemingly random magic at Applejack’s body. This time instead of causing considerable damage to it he had turned it into what looked like an orange toilet with some of it missing.
He looked frustrated and fired a third bolt, this time turning the former dead pony into a stylish sweater.
A fourth time, she was now a small figurine of a pig.
After many attempts he changed her into a rolled up carpet, a box of golden nuggets, a hamster cage, a chicken drumstick, a microwave and a large wheel of cheese.
The door to the basement burst open and a sweaty Matt walked in. He saw the wheel of cheese and immediately darted for it leaving a Matt shaped vapour trail behind him.
“Matt, NO!” Spike and Doobie screamed.
It was already too late, Matt had zoomed over to the cheese and swallowed it before you could say hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia
“Well, fuck. Good job Matt, you just ate Applejack!” Doobie hollered.
“What? That wasn’t Applefuck, that was cheese.” Matt said.
“Doobie had been changing her into different things trying to reanimate her!” Spike shouted.
“Oh. Well, I can fix this.” Matt said.
Matt shoved his entire hoof down his own throat, making himself vomit up the now destroyed cheese wheel. It looked more like cottage cheese.
“Great. Now how are we going to reanimate her? We’re fucked!” Doobie said.
“Oh, reanimate her? That’s what we’re doing? I thought we were gonna have her for lunch or something.” Matt said. He lowered his horn, pointed it at the pile of gooey cheese on the floor and blasted it with magic.
The lump of cheese began to move, barely retaining its shape.
“Sweet unmerciful satan, that’s horrible!” Doobie shouted, moving away from the blob of Applejack/Cheese that was trying to move towards him.
“Well... I think we should take her to the hospital or something.” Matt said, scraping up the bubbling muck into a paper bag.
“But won’t the feds be on our asses because we dragged Appledead through ponyville?” Doobie questioned.
“Alright, fuck that idea. Fingers! Come up with an idea quick.” Matt hollered.
“Uh, you could put our disguises back on.”
“Sounds like a plan. Doobie, get your mask.” Matt said, taking his wizard cloak out of his mane and putting it on. Spike fetched his adorable little pirate outfit.
Doobie set to work making a new mask since people would be suspicious of Big Macintosh walking around town with a wizard and a pirate.
He got some paper, string and crayons and drew a crude face vaguely depicting Princess Luna.
Once he had put the expertly crafted disguise on, Matt and Spike walked into the room. They saw what was Doobie wearing his disguise but what appeared to them as the actual princess Luna.
“P- Princess! What are you doing here?” Spike said while bowing.
“Shut up bitch, I ain’t Princess Moonbutt.” Doobie said, taking off the mask. “Pretty convincing, right?”
“Yeah. You gave me quite a scare there.” Matt said. “Anyway, we better dump this bag of Applecheddar into emergency care before we get distracted by something mind numbingly retarded.”
“Sounds like a plan- Oh what’s this?” Doobie spoke, turning his head and looking at a floating orb of light that had just spawned before him. The floating orb emitted a sudden beam of light, temporarily blinding the three chaps.
“Bloody ‘ell, dafuq is that?” Matt shrieked, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. He could only imagine that the others were doing the same. A few seconds of retina burning light later, the three opened their eyes and feasted them upon the large white alicorn that stood before them.
“S-Spike... I think she got our mail.” Matt muttered, barely keeping up his manly voice.
“Will one of you explain why,” Celestia shouted, throwing down Applejack’s amputated leg on the floor. “THIS was sent to me!?”
“...” Matt answered
Celestia surveyed the room having not been handed a swift explanation. A sudden voice crackled out from behind her.
“Oh-Oh... Y-You umm.. You see... We can uh..” Doobie stuttered
Celestia spun around and laid her eyes upon Doobie. Her eyes widened and her face looked even more confused; but luckily, for their sake, she no longer looked blinded with rage.
“L-Luna... What are you doing here?” Celestia questioned
“Oh.. Uhh.. Well.” Doobie started, he spotted Matt and Spike making gestures behind Celestia's back. “I mean... Sup ‘Tia, what seems to be the problem?”
“The problem is that a certain dragon going by the name of Spike mailed me a severed pony leg from this location a few minutes ago.”
Doobie pointed towards the others. “N- no dragon here, Just a pirate and a wizard, nothing strange about that.” He said, sweating buckets and shitting bricks.
“Shit, he’s not used to talking to other people. He’s gonna blow it.” Matt whispered to Spike.
“Okay, but how did this leg get mailed to me if Spike isn’t around?”
“Oh-Oh you see umm... W- well-”
“There was a robbery!” Matt shouted, interrupting the now soaking wet Doobie.
“A robbery?” She questioned.
“Y-Yeah, this orange cunt wanted to steal Twilight’s fridge. Unluckily for her, she didn’t count on us saving the day.” Matt explained, Winking at the other two. “Purple pete charged at her and with one swift swipe of his cutlass, she was left legless. Well almost, she only lost one leg. Using my amazing wizard skills, I charged up a powerful hadouken and blasted her into the stratosphere, and by that I mean into a gooey mess on the floor.”
“So why did an amputated leg materialize on my desk then?” Celestia asked, not fully taken in by Matt’s crazy hard to believe bullshit.
“Oh.. Well uhh..” Matt shrugged, he looked at Doobie who has somewhat calmed down.
“We felt that she had gotten off lightly. So we scooped the mess into a doggie bag and attempted to re-animate her, so you could punish her. I tried to but I couldn’t, so I thought I could just to sent it to you and let you deal with it. I must have missed and sent you the severed limb instead. Sorry sis.” Doobie explained, using the disguise to it’s full potential.
Celestia took a few steps back and thought the situation through in her head.
“Hmm... Seems legitimate. Perhaps we should take what is left of Applejack to the hospital. I am sure they will be able to do something about putting her back together and then I shall be able to punish her for attempting to steal the most treasured appliance in any kitchen.”
“What a great idea! Let’s go there right now! Come on, Princesses, I’ll lead the way.” Matt chundered, walking out of the door frame where the door had once resided before it was blasted off of its hinges in a fantastic display of corpse throwing.
As the somewhat strange quartet of people; A small dragon dressed as a pirate, a fantastic and devilishly handsome wizard, a princess and a sweaty pony expertly disguised as another princess walked through the town on the way to the Ponyville Hospital ponies stopped and stared. Most of them bowed out of respect and/or fear as the two princesses walked by.
As they neared the hospital Matt, Spike and Luna (Doobie) hung back a little.
“S- sister? Maybe me, the wizard and the pirate should stay out here while you go in.” Said Doobie, throwing the bag of Applejack to Celestia.
“I’m not entirely sure why, but if that is what you wish, I will go in alone, sister.” Celestia said, looking confused but respecting her sister’s wishes. She walked into the hospital alone with the bag in tow.
“Now, lets see if we can play our pastel colored friends a wee visit, shall we? Matt enquired
“Well... Twilight won’t recognise us with our disguises on and all, but fluttershy will.” Spike said, pointing his cute little sword at Matt.
“Meh, they’re all probably in too bad a condition to respond to our presence, let alone scream for help.”
“An opportunity to spark fear in the eyes of those whom I have wronged, sounds like a wonderful idea to me.” Doobie announced.
**************
“What do you mean visiting hours are over? Matt hollered to the nurse sitting behind the desk.
“By that I mean visiting hours are over.” The mare replied, keeping her ‘fucks’ to herself.
“What about that princess bitch, how come you let her wide flank in?”
“Because she’s the princess...”
Matt turned to the others and signaled for some help. Doobie, who had removed the Luna mask for the moment, stood beside Matt and looked over the desk the nurse was sat behind. He studied her desk for a brief moment before turning his attention back to Matt.
“Don’t worry Matt, I got this.” He smiled, turning and looking at the lazy nurse.
“So... Another lonely friday night for the pretty nurse, ‘ey.” Doobie asked, raising one eyebrow and leaning on the side of the desk with a suggestive grin.
“It’s wednesday afternoon.” She grunted, turning the page of her magazine.
“Whatcha reading there? Doobie asked, looking over at her magazine. “B- Banana fancy... Sounds interesting.”
“Urgh... What do you want?” She hollered, casting her magazine into the trash.
Spooked by this sudden change in volume, Doobie instantly lost his cool. As if on cue, he began sweating like an elephant on a treadmill.
“Uhh.. Uhh.. J- J-” He stuttered
“Why don’t you just take your stupid gang of freaks and your pathetic own ass and just GO AWAY!” She thundered at the sweat covered stallion who stood before her.
“J- Je mange la piscin.” Doobie whimpered, slipping slightly on his own fluids.
“ARGH! That’s it, I’m taking my break now.
“You were working?” Matt questioned.
“Ugh. The people you’re looking for are in room 1337. Now leave me alone.” She said as she left the desk.
“Thanks, I appreciate it. Cuntbag.” Doobie said under his breath.
“What was that?” She asked, looking back.
“Mon fromage, elle pue!” He said hastily.
She gave him a look that said he should be in the looney bin and walked off.
Doobie put his mask back on.
“Let’s do this.”
*******
Celestia trotted into room 1337, having been told by the mare at the desk that there was something she needed to see. As she looked around she let out a horrified gasp. There, on separate beds, were the elements of harmony.
Fluttershy was lying down nearly motionless, a flaky mess of black and red. Her body had been burned beyond recognition and she was missing a back leg that was bandaged over at the knee. Her face had a fixed expression of terror, as the fire burned away at her it left her with the same expression she was having at the time.
Pinkie pie looked to be in a similar state, except some of her burns were third degree and she had a pump coming out of her stomach that was taking out broken glass, bile and what looked like random pieces of rubbish. Most of her body was bandaged up.
Rarity was asleep on her bed with a bandage covering her entire head. It was obvious that she had been beaten with a large object because the bandages were stained red and her horn was snapped off. The bandages near her eyes were also stained with a clear liquid that was most likely tears.
Rainbow Dash had both of her legs and the bottom of her torso in casts, Probably from something extremely heavy landing on her. Along with the casts were a series of tubes connecting to her mouth, a hole in her neck and her chests where her lungs were. The pipes on her mouth and neck her putting air into her lungs while the two pipes in her chest were pumping the remaining water out.
Finally she turned her attention to the end of the room where Twilight lay. She looked like she had been ripped limb from limb by some wild animal. Blood stained the bed and the bandages that covered her torso. Out of her four legs only one remained, which looked like it had been used as some monstrocity’s chewtoy. Along her face were deep scratches and bites, covering her body was the same pattern.
Celestia dropped the bag of Applejack and galloped over to Twilight with tears in her eyes.
“Twilight! Can you hear me? Who did this to you, to all of you?” Celestia said, choking back a torrent of tears.
“P- Princess...” Twilight said, weakly turning her head to look at her noble teacher.
“What is it, my faithful student?” Celestia said, horrified and disgusted at what had happened to her little ponies.
Just as Twilight was about to say something, the wizard, the pirate and the Luna imposter tumbled in.
“Luna! You said you were going to stay outside. Well, that doesn’t matter now. Look at what has become of the elements of harmony!” Celestia almost shouted, tears streaming down her face.
“That’s some shonky business right there.” Doobie said, not even trying to impersonate Luna.
“W- What?” Celestia questioned, confused by her sister’s choice of vocabulary.
“I said you’re a punk ass bitch and I’m a mushroom cloud layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker.” Doobie said to the weeping princess in front of her.
“How can you say something like that? What has gotten into you, sister?” Celestia cried.
“I’ve got a surprise for you, Princess Shitface. BOOM!” doobie hollered as he tore is expertly crafted mask off to reveal the sweaty spaghetti lord underneath the clever ruse.
“...Wat?” Celestia said.
Twilight began trying to wriggle out of her hospital bed, but being covered in bandages and obviously injured it was a lost cause. Those ponies who were actually capable of seeing looked on in fear. Fluttershy aimed her eye that wasn’t burnt off at Doobie. Pinkie still had two functioning eyes but her head was fixed facing the other way, she could only guess what was happening, it would be easier if her ears weren't burnt off.
All of the commotion caused Rarity to wake up, she couldn’t do anything but at least she was awake.
Applejack stayed in her baggie and did nothing interesting. As usual.
Matt and Spike removed their costumes, Matt keeping his wizard hat on. Upon seeing Spike, Twilight began thrashing around.
“S- Spike! What are you doing with these two? They put our friends in hospital!” Twilight rasped, trying to move towards her #1 assistant. As she only had one limb and was being held together mostly by stitches she decided to just tell Princess Celestia what was up.
“Princess, Those two ponies kidnapped Spike and did this to the bearers of the elements! They are why we are all like this!” Twilight said as the others who could move nodded their agreement.
“What? Why would you two ponies do something so horrible?” Celestia said to the two unicorns standing before her.
Doobie shrugged. “Dunno mate. Ask Matt here.”
Matt shrugged as well. “Can’t tell ya, love. Maybe Spike knows.”
Spike, unsurprisingly, shrugged. “I was just doing what I was told and having a bit of fun, Princess.”
Celestia’s face slowly contorted with rage. How could these three people, Spike especially, do such monstrous things to these good ponies and then not even know why? How could anyone be so evil?
“Spike, Doobie, Matt...” Celestia started to say.
“MAGIC Matt.” Matt corrected.
“...Magic Matt... You will all be taken to the Canterlot Dungeons and given the utmost penalty for your barbaric crimes. How you could do such things I do not know, but what I do know is that you will NOT get away with it.”
“Is that so, Princess?” Said Doobie, edging towards Matt and Spike.
“Yes, indeed it is. Your crimes will end here and now. Nopony shall do things like this and not be puni- What are you doing?”
Doobie grabbed Matt and Spike and sprinted for the window, jumping out of it and smashing the glass.
“Fuck tha police!” He screamed as he and the others flew down two storeys.
A loud crack and then a scream could be heard from below. Celestia decided to just walk down the stairs and out of the building as it sounded as though the three had been injured hitting the ground and would not be going anywhere fast.
*******
Doobie climbed up from the broken and mangled body of a nurse and helped up the unharmed Spike and the somewhat shaken up Matt.
“Quick, Matt. Set the hospital on fire. That’ll slow down Princess Assfuck.” Doobie said.
“...Sure.” Matt replied as he aimed his horn to the hospital front door and thought about hot things. Like the sun. And chillies. And dead girls.
A burst of flame shot out of Matt’s magnificent throbbing horn and ignited the exit of the hospital. He then aimed it at the window they had come out of and a few other place on the outside of the hospital to make sure it burned properly. The hospital was now completely blazing.
“Doobie, don’t you still have a concussion? What happened to that?” Spike enquired.
“hmm... Y’know, I'm not sure. But oh well, So far our time in ponyville has made as much sense as some bad fanfiction.
All three guys took a few seconds to look at the author of the fanfic disapprovingly. Assholes.
The hospital now looked like a massive fireball. The foundations of the building started to crumble and the entire structure started to collapse. The roof caved in and the walls cracked and fell. Nothing was left except for rubble and flames.
A white hoof punched through a large rock and soon after followed Princess Celestia, looking battered and grey with dust but saved by her Alicorn strength and magic.
“YOU!” She screamed at the three guys as they stood there shitting bricks with fear.
Matt, thinking quickly, lowered his head and sent a ball of bright light straight into Celestia’s face, momentarily blinding and disorientating her.
“CHEESE IT!” Doobie yelled as they bolted off down the path before the Princess stopped stumbling around and saw which way they went.
Art by Magic Matt
A note from the authors:
Well, this extra large chapter is the end of the story. For now. We hope you have enjoyed this awful shitsmeared magic fuckery we call a fanfic. See you later you silly cunts.