Griffin the Griffin

by BlackWing

Griffin's Mind (ERMAHGERD! One Hundred)

As the ship approached the Equestrian capitol, I had nothing to say. I remained silent nearly the entire trip from Signal. Honestly, what can you say when you know you're likely headed to a mental institution? I ate my meals, groomed myself, and slept. I wasn't really in the mood to do much else. What I was really hoping for was a mindless, monotonous task to fill the time and take my mind off what would likely happen. That was when Surprise came in.

"Hey....." She lacked her usual bounce, although her mane was still poofy as ever.

"Hey."

"I know it's a little soon for a get well soon party, but, I thought you might like some balloons." Where she got party supplies on this ship, I'll never know. Possibly one of the entrances to hammer space I theorize Pinkie hid all over the ship. She had filled my entire room with helium balloons. Still, that reminded me of something I needed to do.

"Would.... you mind sticking around of a bit? I have something mindnumbingly boring I need to do, and I could use someone to distract me from it." she nodded as I took out a paper and began writing.

"Rab. Rac. Rad. Rae...I messed up my calculations, I forgot that some syllables have two vowels.... Raf. Rag. Rah. Rai. Raj. Rak.... stupid flying bird things, Borderlands was fun.... Ral. Ram.... Ford's are better, Ran....... I got nuthin, Rao. Rap... eugh, that is NOT considered music, Raq, Rar... still not paying for a WinRar license, Ras, Rat, nah, mice are cuter, come here Whiskers, Rau. Rav. Raw, nah, well done, medium rare if you must... Rax, Ray, Raz. Well, that's 'RA' done, now for 'RE'."

I kept at it for hours, all the while focusing on the balloon and willing it to pop, and anytime the mess of syllables I was churning out ended up being a real word, I'd comment on it, sometimes bringing a giggle from Surprise, and other times confusion, in which she'd put on this 'thinking face' that was absolutely adorable. She'd stick out her bottom lip and tilt her head to the side, press one ear against her head, and look up out of the corners of her eyes. She looked like a... well... when you confuse a dog, except more adorable. I found myself Idly stroking her mane, running my claw through it, twirling it in her curls. Nothing romantic, just, friends I guess. Still, throughout the long hours of the night, I kept going.

"Ramet. Rameu. Ramev. Ramew. Ramex *pop*.... wait........................... what?" I glanced at the balloon I had been half focused on between all my other tasks. It had burst, snapping me out of my reverie. It's broken husk laid on the floor, and like a dying animal, it slowly lost the air in it's rubberized lungs. Surprise, who had long since fallen asleep due to my ceaseless brushing, had been awoken by the noise.

"Ramex?" Another balloon popped. "Ramex." And a third. Surprise was now looking around in wonder.

"Is that what you were trying to do? Why would you want to pop balloons?" She pondered. I got a wicked smile. I drew more energy from the gems set in my wings for a wide scale version of the spell.

"Ramex." This time, a multitude of the balloons burst, releasing their gaseous content into the confines of the room. The cacophony of bursts bringing a smile to both our faces.

"Hey, that was pretty coooooooooool. Hey! This makes my voiiiiiice sound weiiiird!" Right, silly me, release about fifty balloons worth of helium into an enclosed room. Of course, everyone knows what happens if you breathe helium, and if you don't, get out from under that rock and get some. And, just as everyone should know what happens to your voice, everyone should also know what happens when you hear the voice. Needless to say, but I'll say it anyways, we broke down into unending fits of giggles. Soon, we were rolling around on the floor, laughing in high octave. I took the last balloon, the sole survivor of the rubber massacre, and held him before me. Taking a marker from my desk, I drew a face on the balloon.

"Mr. Wilkinson. Your time has come. Your death will bring about great scientific discovery. Any last words?" I strained to make my voice as deep as possible.

"Noooooo, please! I have a balloon wife and family!" I turned back to using the voice insects commonly have in media.

"Ramex." Instead of focusing on a burst, I instead intended for it to simply make a rupture on one side. The spell performed as I expected, making a small hole in the side opposite me, allowing the contents of the balloon to leak out slowly.

"Noooooooo help me!" 'Mr.Wilkinson' cried as he slowly shrank and withered. Surprise and I both laughed at the balloon man's apparent torment. Hmm..... it leaked slowly, but I wasn't using a claustra spell on it.... I'll have to test it using the actual spell combination to figure out whether or not it'll work.... heh, work. If I'm in the loony bin, I won't have to worry about work any more. Or fighting. Or running my own country. Or getting offed by psycho humans....

"What's the matter?" Surprise asked when she noticed I wasn't laughing, but instead wore a sad frown. The helium had also started to wear off, as it was vented out.

"I just murdered all those balloons, and then tortured this one for science."

"Griffin..... they're balloons." She deadpanned.

"Yeah, but I've done the same thing to living diamond dogs. I feel..... I feel like the man who invented the bomb." I left out 'nuclear'. "He created the science behind it to do good, but others took it and used it to kill thousands, maybe even millions. He was not responsible for the part it played in their deaths, but he still felt responsible. Surprise, I used my knowledge specifically to create weapons, in order to kill people, many of which are guilty of no crime other than being afraid of the evil that rules them. I have become death."

"No you haven't silly." She looked at me sternly. "When po...people die, it's always sad, but, you're doing it to make people happy. Yeah... I wish there was another way to do it, but the big mean meany heads have done a lot worse than you have, and you gave them all a chance to do the right thing and be happy. Something I learned a long time ago is you can't make everyone happy. So.... did you do all you could to help them?"

"Yeah..."

"Did you do EVERYTHING you could to try and settle it peacefully?"

"No, but Celestia and Luna did, and countless others have tried. Peace isn't something I'm good at. If they want peace, they know what they need to do...."

"Well then, being all mopey wopey and feeling the guilty guts isn't going to change anything. You couldn't have done anything differently. You've saved a lot of people who would have died, and slowly, the world is changing."

"You know.... I know a song. It's sung as a duet. One side is talking about all the sad stuff, and the other is talking about all the happy stuff, and I think it describes our situation pretty well."

"Oh, can we sing it?"

"Given the way magic works with songs in this world.... I've been wasting my time with Musica a memoria. I've noticed even if I play the song by gem, the crowd already knows all the words..... All I have to do is start it, and it'll take off on it's own. Well, that's the theory anyways. Wanna try some science?" She nodded, and I began humming a few bars.

Any dolt with half a brain, can see that everyone has gone insane,
to the point where I don't know, if I'll upset the status quo,
if I throw poison in the watermain.

Listen close to everybody's heart, and hear that breaking soooound,
hopes and dreams are shattering apart, and crashing to the grouuuuund.

I cannot believe my eyes, how the world's filled with filth and lies,
but it's plain to seeeeeeeeeeee, evil inside of me,
is on the riiiiiiise.

(Looook around, we're living with the looooost and found.)
(Just when you feel you've aaaaalmost drowned, you find yourself on sooooolid ground.)

(And you believe there's good, in everybody's heart.)
(Keep it safe and soooound)
(With hope, you can do your part, to turn a life arooooound.)

(I cannot believe my eyes, is the world finally growing wise?)
(Cuz it seems to meeeee, some kind of harmony......)
(Is on the riiiiiiise.)

Anyone with half a brain (Take it slow)
Could spend their whole life howling in pain (He looks at me and seems to know)
Because the dark is everywhere (The things that I'm afraid to show,)
and no one ever seems to care, (and suddenly I feel this glow)
that soon the dark in me is all that will remain.

(And I believe)
Listen close to everybody's heart, (there's good in everybody's heart)
and hear that breaking souuuund (keep it safe and souuuund.)

hopes and dreams (With hope, you)
are shattering apart (can do your part)
and crashing to the grouuund (to turn a life arouuund.)

I cannot believe my eyes (I cannot believe my eyes,)
How the world's filled with filth and lies (how the world's finally growing wise)
But it's plain to seeee
(and it's plain to seeee)
Evil inside of me
(rapture inside of me)
Is on the riiiiiise (is on the riiiiise)

"Heh... will you look at that.... didn't have to cast a spell or anything..... well now I fell kinda stupid. I should have just tried that to begin with....."

"Well, not really. It doesn't do it all the time. Only when you really feel something a lot. What are you feeling right now?" Surprise asked me.

"I guess.... I'm feeling a lot of things. I'm kinda happy, and we had fun with the balloons, and then content, just brushing your mane, and scared of what the future holds, and nervous about getting help for my... problems, and mad that Gilda didn't take my word for it with Ivan, and worried about myself, and what if I don't get better, or what if there really ISN'T as much wrong with me as I thought, and when I come out of it, will I be the same? How will I have changed? I guess I'm feeling a lot of different things. And... I'm thankful you're here. The others, they listen to my problems but, they don't really know how to relate well, er, that's not it... maybe they're dealing with the same kind of thing, and they haven't found the answer either?" I don't really know, I've been grasping at straws lately.

"As long as you're true to yourself, you don't have anything to worry about." No. Not THAT speech. I can't believe how cliché that is! And how fitting it is too.

"That's the problem Surprise. That's the problem..."

We arrived at Canterlot and docked the ship near the castle. The guards knew better than to bar our entry, though we DID have to wait our turn for a hearing in the court. When Celestia saw me come in, she actually looked relieved. Stuffy nobles probably made her want to fill her ears with honey and let the bees have a shot at them. She quickly had the court room cleared out so we could have our privacy.

"Sir Griffin. What a pleasant surprise. You didn't write a letter saying you would be coming. To what do I owe this pleasure?" She said in her 'official' tone, making sure to include my knightly title. I suddenly became VERY interesting in knowing how many specks of dirt were on the floor tile in front of me. None. Blasted Canterlot ultra cleanliness. She seemed to pick up the mood though, and switched to a more motherly tone.

"Griffin, what's wrong?" I looked up to see her now standing rather close to me. I didn't even see her get up, much less move across the room. She was looking right into my eyes. I really didn't want to do this. It's like every sin was laid bare, and she was judging me for all of them. It's the worst possible thing. Like when your parents aren't mad just, 'disappointed' and somehow that's even worse, and I hadn't even told her anything yet! How do the nobles even stand next to her, let alone give her their petty complaints? Don't they know who she is? What she is? She's the living embodiment of the friggin SUN!

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My breathing became laboured, and I started hyperventilating as I felt sweat start pouring down my face and back. I stared at her with my eyes wide, and at that moment, I wanted to do nothing more than run. Flee. Get out of there. I took a tentative step back, before I suddenly found a gold clad hoof on my shoulder, and her look, although it had not changed, now brought about a different emotion entirely.

Care.

No longer was it the scornful look of a judge, or the disappointed look of a parent. It was the worried look of a friend.

"Griffin?" She asked me again. This time, Gilda moved up to my side, followed by Trixie, Surprise, and Nadene. Steelhorn looked on with crossed arms from the doorway, not wanting his imposing stature to... well... impose. Being nudged forwards, I looked into Celestia's eyes with tears threatening to escape my own.

"Your highness.... I need..... help." The fact that I called her 'your highness' instead of 'princess' or just 'Celestia' must have gotten her attention, because she quickly moved to my side and draped a wing over my back. That, or the fact that I was standing there, crying in the middle of her throne room. That might have had something to do with it.

"Grif, we'll be in town for a few days getting supplies. We'll..... be around, but I think right now you need some privacy." And with that, Gilda left, followed by the rest of them. I looked back longingly before the sun queen ushered me into a back room so we could chat without any other ears.

She brought me into a cozy room. Bookshelves, fireplace, (which was quite welcome in the cool fall air) a couple couches, one of which she had me lay down on, while she took the other, and brought out a platter with a pair of teacups and a teapot. She poured two cups, then sat there in silence, waiting for me to begin. When I didn't, and hadn't even made a move for the tea, she decided to begin.

"I..... see that you've.... changed somewhat since I last saw you. Twilight mentioned you had been injured but..."

"The dragon from the gala tore off my wing and ate it in front of me when I tried to stop her from destroying the world. I succeeded, and freed her from her personal demons, one of which was a literal demon, and she basically said 'oh well, shit happens' and left. She maimed and hospitalized me for a month when I helped her, and didn't give a damn."

"I.... see...."

I went on to explain everything that had happened over the past while, from Nadene drugging me, right up to Ivan being possessed by a spider.

"You mean Malice?" Wait, SHE knows about him too? That means..... I didn't imagine it! I'm not crazy! Okay, I mean Ivan told Gilda he had Malice, but didn't explain what he was or anything.

I nodded. "And then it possessed ME because it 'likes me' and I tortured an assassin to learn how many more were on the island. And then it left me and I spilled my guts all over the floor. I tried to kill Ivan, but he escaped and wound up saving the entire island from invaders, all the while Malice tried to eat my soul, which was terrifying enough, and I got saved by.... something..... that scares the shit out of me, and the worst part is nobody believes a word of it."

"It seems like you've had a busy two months. If Malice has returned that indeed IS a problem, not one you can deal with. Leave 'Ivan' to us." She didn't even bring up that I tortured someone. Then again, since Malice ISN'T just something my mind made up to excuse my actions, using my incessant fear of spiders as a medium, she can probably understand that I was less in my right mind than usual.

"At least you believe me. When an evil spirit makes it's home in your head because it likes you, there is something seriously wrong with you. Remember that night on the ship? I'm taking you up on your offer. I had problems before, but they were nothing I couldn't handle. I can't handle them anymore." I let out a sigh of defeat. Admitting you need help is not easy to do.

Celestia let out a sigh of relief, then looked to me and smiled. "I'm glad. I could tell from before that you were steadily declining. I am happy you came to me before you reached the point of no return. I'd like you to stay at the castle for observation. We have the finest medical facilities, and staff as well. I'll bring in the best psychologist I know, Mind Mender, to go over your case and build a profile."

"Yeah... thanks..... I'm kinda bummed that I won't be able to continue my research..."

"What were you working on?"

"Oh, a bit of everything. Spells, spell combinations, some science projects."

"Well.... you could always continue your work here in Canterlot. You'd have access to more resources than you did on your ship, proper testing facilities. You've done a great deal with very little. I'm certain you could add a fair bit to the scientific community..... if you want to."

"Actually.... I don't think I should. A lot of the things I've discovered are.... not so nice." She raised an eyebrow at that remark, and I felt trepidation all over again. I knew I'd have to explain now, there wasn't any choice. Didn't mean I wanted to.

"Irreversible mind control, magic torture, magic assassination, stuff that could allow unicorn elitists to enslave others, stuff that would make every pegasus be able to obliterate cities, and earth ponies able to shatter steel. I can make an explosion of Rainboom equivalency, and I've yet to perfect the technique. In a word... I've weaponized magic. It's not anything ponies should have knowledge of. Even testing it would cause trouble."

"Yet you've trained your crew to use these techniques?" I nodded sadly. "And they haven't abused them?" I shook my head no. "What makes you so certain that they will be abused? Ponies are a peaceful sort."

"You clearly haven't been to Stalliongrad lately." I huffed.

"Apparently not....." She pondered.

She got me a room in the castle, nothing too fancy, although it was a fair bit better than my sleeping quarters on the ship, it was still only a guest room. I stayed the night and woke the next morning feeling slightly better, but still rather depressed about my whole situation. Basically I had to accept that I was slowly going crazy, and I couldn't help myself. The room had a nice view of the gardens, and I was allowed to keep my wing as long as I didn't hurt anyone with it. They weren't worried about me trying to escape. I DID come there on my own after all. I was scheduled to meet 'Mind Mender' later in the afternoon, but for now, I had some time. I decided to pay Discord a visit.

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves,
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves,
and the mome raths, outgrabe."

"I always liked that poem. So..... confusing." The spirit in the stone replied. "So, why are you here, oh illustrious captain?" He said with mock praise.

"I'm coming to give you some news I think you'll both enjoy hearing, and despise. I've gone crazy. Woohoo. Yay me. Also, I'm not going to be making a ruckus anymore because I'm going to be getting help and fixing the fucked up ball of meat I call my brain."

The spirit of disharmony let out a disappointed sigh. "Well, I suppose we can't ALL wear madness as well as I do, after all, nopony else makes it look quite so stylish." He paused in his self indulgent gloating. "I guess there's nothing left but to hope you get ill soon." And with that, the spirit went quiet, and I returned to my room.

"Hello. Griffin?" A couple hours had passed, me just laying on my bed, deep in thought, before I was interrupted by the smooth sounding voice of a rather old stallion. He wore a suit and tie, had a pen and clipboard, a long, thin beard, and those half glasses. You know, stereotypical shrink look. A beige coat with a brain made of puzzle pieces for a cutie mark completed his purposefully boring image.

"Yeah... come on in doc....." I said to the pony at the door without moving.

"I'm Mind Mender. Princess Celestia mentioned you needed help?"

"I do. Lately... everything feels like it's falling apart at the seams. Nothing's going right. It's all gone wrong and I have no idea what to do about it. Have you ever been so certain of something, that you'd bet your life on it, and it turned out you were wrong? Or, maybe you really are right, but everyone around you says you're wrong, so you start to believe it yourself?" He sat on the chair to the side of the bed, and listened as he began writing.

"Well.... as long as you're true to yourself, no doubt can take root in your heart. Doubt is what leads to fear and mistrust, and as long as you know who you are, no seed of doubt can be planted."

"That's just it!" I raised my voice. "I DON'T know who I am! I think I do but I have no idea at all who I am deep inside!"

"Explain." A single word was his reply.

"I think I'm smart, witty, funny, charming, strong, brave, kind, selfless.... and I do everything I can to make that true. I discover new things, reinvent old things, make others laugh, sing, I help the helpless, and protect the weak. I free the enslaved and save the doomed. I dive headfirst into the fray with not an ounce of fear or trepidation, not a single sign of hesitation or nervousness. All my life, I was hated because of things that were beyond my control, so I try so hard to do good things, and make others like me, and it worked for a while, but lately, I feel like it's not good enough. I've started failing those around me, and I've forced them to deal with MY problems."

"I think I know what you're saying. You're thinking that if you make yourself legendary, then those around you won't abandon you. Is that right?" He asked, the very definition of calm, while I was laying there getting all emotional.

"That's exactly it!"

"And why do you feel like they'll abandon you if you don't?"

"Because...." I paused. "It's what everyone else does."

"Now I'm sure not....."

"And when I say 'everyone' I do mean EVERYONE. I know people say, 'nobody 'always' does this, or 'never' does that, and I'm sure not 'everyone' is like that. That's just exaggeration. I am telling you that LITERALLY everyone I EVER knew in my life before I came to Equestria HATED me. The only ones who didn't mindlessly despise me where those who didn't know me. So, if people don't know me, if I blend in, then they can't hate me. How can they hate me if they can't even see me?"

"So..... you try to be amazing to make others like you, while blending in at the same time?" ..... No.... that's just stupid. In fact, I'm going to let him know that.

"No, that's just stupid. The blending in came before. People tried to hurt me. They're called bullies. They hurt other people to make themselves feel better. According to everyone everywhere, just ignoring them makes them go away. Except it doesn't. I pretended it didn't hurt, that what they were doing didn't affect me at all. I pretended that I didn't care about anything, because if I didn't care about anything, there was nothing they could take from me, or destroy, that would hurt me. How do you hurt someone who doesn't care about anything? Physical pain? He doesn't care. Take what he loves? He loves nothing. And pretty soon, it wasn't an act anymore. I really didn't care about anything."

"I see.... so, you wore a mask so that others wouldn't know your face, and you forgot how to take the mask off. And you wore the mask for so long, you forgot what you look like under it?" He raised his eyebrow.

"I... guess that analogy makes sense...."

"Alright, continue. When did you start trying to be 'liked'."

"Well.... that didn't come yet either. I mean, the whole apathy thing worked, but every once in a while, something would get to me, you know? People started getting close. I started liking people. They started liking me. I was that kid that nothing got to, nothing bothered. A 'pillar of strength'. Nothing fazed me. Like a rock. And then.... they found the cracks in that rock. They found my weak spot, and they hit it as hard as they could. Apathy wouldn't work anymore, because then even though I wasn't trying to get close to them, they'd get close to me. They'd find out what would hurt me, whether finding that was their intent or not, and then they'd use it. And just like that, the mask crumbled." I started crying, remember the time that happened. That was when I had been so happy with MLP, and decided to share it with my 'friends', and they threw me away. They eventually forgot that I liked the show, and it didn't get out into the school, but now I was all alone again. They were all haters. I was the only brony in a town of haters. A fish in a shark pen.

"And you were laid bare to the world." Mind Mender answered.

"And then it started all over again. That image I had taken years to build just shattered right in front of me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It hurt. It hurt so bad, and I became so angry. I started being angry at everyone. Teachers, parents, other kids, authority. Everyone was just part of the system that was making me miserable. I wanted to burn down the world. Turn it, and everything in it, to ashes and let it start over. Of course, I had no way of doing that, so I settled for my school system. All the popular kids. I made it my mission, my very reason for living, to make the ones who made me miserable PAY. To make them feel what I felt. But.... I couldn't. To do that, I had to be...."

"You had to be just like them. To hurt those who hurt you, you had to become what you hated." He finished my sentence. I nodded sadly.

"I couldn't do it. So, I decided I wouldn't let anyone get close. Nobody can hurt me if they can't get near me. So, I studied. I learned. I set about learning everything I could with such a great passion, all so I could get away. I learned how to survive on my own, so that when I was finally old enough to live on my own, I could do away with society and other people. I could throw the world away and live without it. I made sure I had nothing tying me down, so I could leave at a moment's notice. No friends to say goodbye to, not that I'd have any anyways. Owing nothing to anyone. No debts to pay that would hold me back."

"And you did this by?"

"By being a jerk. If I'm not fun to be around, nobody will be around me. If I'm mean, they'll leave me alone. Sure, I didn't go out looking for trouble, but when trouble found me, I made sure to send it running with it's tail between it's legs. The day before I came here, a trio of punks came, looking to make my life miserable. I curb stomped them. I didn't go find them, I wasn't looking for trouble, why couldn't they have just left me ALONE!"

"You sound like you regret it."

"Of course I do. Because I guess under the mask, that's not who I was. Not who I wanted to be."

"And then what happened?"

"Then I ran into an old man. Nothing stood out about him other than that he was old. It's like his entire body was designed to escape notice. I can't even remember what he looked like, his hair colour, anything. It's as though he could walk into an empty room and vanish. His presence causes people to look away, like nature itself shunned him. He asked me some questions, and sent me here. A fantasy land that nobody knew was real."

"Yes. It's already been explained to me the nature of 'Earth' and 'Equis' and their connection via the spirits."

"And then.... I ran into Gilda. Well, more like she ran into me. I was passed out. For no reason other than she 'felt like it' she saved my life, and stayed by me. I couldn't be apathetic, because that wouldn't work. I couldn't be angry, because that would drive her away. I didn't want her to leave. She showed me kindness, for no reason at all. I didn't want her to go."

"What about being yourself?"

"I don't even remember what that is. So.... I tried to be awesome. When she told me of the plight of her people, I felt like there was an entire race going who were going through what I did. An entire species of people just like me. And I got so mad. In my world, everything is set in stone. The world is stagnant. In order to do anything, you had to be extraordinary. Normal people are doomed. They grow up, go to normal school, get normal grades, and slave away at a normal job with normal wages till they're eighty, because nobody can retire at sixty-five anymore, and then they die, having made absolutely no difference in the world. Here? All you have to do is try, and you can do great things! With the knowledge from home, all those things I studied so I could live without society, here... I'd probably be considered a genius. I can DO something here, MAKE a difference. But, to do that, I needed to do one thing I never could."

"And that is?"

"Be liked. I had no idea who I was, so I became who I thought others wanted me to be. Funny, witty, charming, smart, strong, passionate... and that's great and all, except it's not who I am. As you said.... it's just a mask, which is why it's starting to fall apart. It's not the real me, and I can't keep it up forever. It'll fall apart, and.... I'm terrified of what happens when it does. When everyone finds out who I really am, are they going to hate me? Because of who I am? Or because I'm not who they thought I was? I finally found others who may not have liked the real me, but they at least liked the mask I wore, and I became so desperate, I couldn't bear to lose them. And I couldn't just take off the mask, for one, I don't know how, and two, if I did, they'd know I wasn't who they thought I was."

"So, you do everything to try and keep them from abandoning you, like the others, going so far as to forget who you really are, and the tighter you hold them, the more they slip away." All I could do is nod sadly.

"Well, Griffin, thank you. I think I understand a little better. Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

"Oh... um.... I'm also addicted to dragon blood. I accidentally swallowed some when I was eaten by a dragon and had to cut my way out. Turns out it's addicting, and acts as a temporary magic enhancer, which is the reason I've had such a fast growth of magical ability. I... um, also think it might be changing my brain and causing some of my problems, but I don't know how to get OFF using it, since like, a couple drops is all it takes to get you addicted. If I don't get it at least once a month, I get shakes, cold sweats, nightmares, phantom aches, nausea, vertigo, lack of co-ordination, high blood pressure, tachycardia, loss in clarity of thought.... and I'm not sure what else."

"That's.... quite a list. How long have you been living with that?"

"About a year...."

"I see."

We talked a little every day, all the while, he took notes. I wasn't always as collected as I was that first day. Eventually, I got some visitors. Gilda, as well as Etch and his family, to be specific.

"Grif... we're all stocked up and will be heading out now." She said sadly.

"I guess... this is it then?"

"Yeah... until you get better at least." She frowned.

"If I do get better, I don't know if I'll want to keep doing this. I mean, Aoi is out there, and he's probably doing a hell of a lot better job than I am, and with you as the captain of the ship now, I don't really think I'm needed anymore. I got the ball rolling.... I don't know if I'm going to want to pick it back up. They say there's no rest for the wicked but, the same is true of heroes. I don't know if I want to be a hero anymore, because I'm getting pretty tired." Gilda and I shared an uneasy laugh.

"I just..." She sighed. "I'll come visit whenever I can, and I'll write to you too." I know the clichés. I know that when someone says that, eventually the letters and visits turn into just letters, and then the letters get less frequent, and finally stop coming all together. I really hope that isn't the case.

"Speaking of 'not doing this anymore' Etch?" She motioned to the dog and his family.

"Griffin, you gave me my life back, my family back... you gave me my everything. I thought about it a lot and, well.... I'm leaving the ship. I'm going to stay in Canterlot and act as a liaison to Marble Pillars for Equestria. You were right. I started this journey to find my family, and I've done that. Now.... they're the most important thing."

Grog walked up to me and pet me, like he did that time on the ship when I first met him. "Well, soon get."

"That's 'Get well soon.' Good try though." Etch corrected before the three of them left.

"I guess that's it then Grif... I... I'm.... I am..." Gilda looked on sadly and struggled with her words, like she was holding something back. "See you around." And then she left.

Psychological Evaluation of Griffin North.

Subject displays paranoia regarding relationships. Not to the fidelity of his partner, as he already knows, (and accepts) that his partner has relations with other members of the crew, and was in the process of overcoming his societal norms (monogamy) in exchange for the Equestrian version (Herd/flock mentality) as the request of several of his crew members. the paranoia comes from the belief that if he is not 'good enough' he will be abandoned by both romantic interests and friends alike. This stems from his upbringing.

As is standard in the hierarchy of needs, first is the physical needs. Food, water, sleep, and such. This stage has been fulfilled, as if it had not, he would not be alive.

Second is the need for safety. This is where the situation starts to turn. According to the client, he was often physically abused by an alcoholic father, as well as his peers, and while he never starved, he occasionally went hungry. This developed into a lifestyle of extreme over preparation and perfectionism. He feels that at any time something could happen to destabilize his current way of living, and studied zealously to prepare his mind for the coming danger, making numerous fail safe plans so that should his situation fail, he would survive the coming storm.

Third is the need for love and belonging, and while the previous need was partially supplied, this need is completely neglected. He was ostracized by his peers for no reason he is able to perceive, and despised by his parents due to the situation surrounding his birth. Despised by others, he hates himself, and has tried many times to change who he is in order to be liked by others, and as such, like himself. Of course, these fail, as he is trying to be something he is not.

As the previous need was not met at all, the fourth need, esteem, which is self respect and respect by others, cannot come to pass. This results in his obsession of keeping others near him, as he feels hopeless and inferior without others constantly reminding him of his value. Despite the fact that he would not be cast away, he still fears this, as the previous need has not been met, and he is wholly unable to trust.

Finally, self actualization. As the previous two needs have not been met, I am unsure as to how he has partially achieved this. He is creative and easily solves problems, to the point of being a borderline genius, and seems to lack prejudice, instead feeling he has been prejudiced against (which is somewhat accurate) instead of the other way around. He however does lack spontaneity, as he meticulously plans before taking action, his moral compass is skewed, and he often refuses to accept the facts of life, (which led to him becoming a revolutionary and actually changing the world, stemming from his denial of these facts, which in turn means they are not facts at all if they can be changed, and this point is moot.)

Overall, Griffin (the griffin) North is a very sick little colt. I say little colt because despite his cognitive development, his emotional state is that of a young child. He is prone to violence when he observes something he does not like (very much akin to a temper tantrum for not getting his way), he has separation anxiety, (extremely nervous about being alone, or distanced from those he has formed bonds with), feels a great deal of shame regarding himself, (guilty about events that occur out of his control) and has difficulty controlling his emotions, (retaliation for perceived slights, which were not intended to cause emotional distress, sings 'silly songs' when committing acts of extreme violence in order to take his mind off what he's doing).

Diagnosis

Griffin very clearly has a form of bipolar disorder, not stemming from brain issues, but rather upbringing. Just as the moods of children tend to fluctuate wildly, (which is not a disorder but a natural stage of life) so too does his own (which is NOT natural at his age) He also suffers from paranoia, arachnophobia (which seems to be completely unrelated) and addiction to the substance 'dragon blood'. Upon asking for clarification, he does indeed mean the vital fluid of dragons, which acts as a stimulant for the brainwaves related to magic that have been found in unicorns, as well as supplying the base source of thaumatic particles, and not the street name for crushed red poppies mixed with LSD, commonly used as a hallucinogenic, painkiller, and in some circumstances, aphrodisiac.

Treatment

Before the underlying personality disorder can be treated, first Griffin's addiction to dragon's blood must be broken. He states that it is highly addicting, possibly needing only 'a couple drops' to become fully addicted, the use symptoms including increase in magical potential, relaxation, excitement, and altered perception. The withdraw symptoms of which include shaking, cold sweat, nightmares, loss of thought clarity, loss of balance, loss of insight, headaches, nausea, vertigo, and many other symptoms.

Recommended Therapy.

Due to addictive properties, weaning the subject from the substance will be ineffective. It would be best to quit outright, and use curative magic to prevent harm to his brain and body while he works through the withdraw symptoms.

Once his addiction has been quashed, then he will require further assessment to determine correct course of treatment.

Doctor's Note:

This is by far the most complicated case I've ever seen. I do hope the other visitors to our world do not have such severe mental, cognitive, and personality issues. Though unlikely, I would hope that they would all submit themselves for psychiatric evaluation, in order to build a profile and establish a baseline for what is considered normal in their society, as currently there is no established model for me to compare against other than the existing pony psychological system. It is my sincere hope that the other, disguised members of his race would come forward before they reach this point.

I've got my work cut out for me with this one.

Mind Mender.