It was a cold autumn’s day when Derpy hooves walked into her home from a long day of delivering mail. She was anxious to play with her little Dinky Hooves and braced for her daughter to leap at her for a hug as soon as she walked in, but strangely, she didn't.
"That’s odd." Derpy said to herself "Normally she greets me as soon as I walk in." Derpy, sensing something was amiss, pulled a gold plated Mark XIX Desert Eagle .50 CAL. (engraved in silver on both sides was "Live free or Derp Hard") from her saddle bag and slowly walked into her house.
Derpy looked around her living room but it had no sign of Dinky whatsoever so she made her way into the kitchen when she heard a weird noise.
"OH SHIT!" Derpy shouted while she spun around and fired three shots off with her Desert Eagle. The bullets hit her oven's propane tank and she could only mutter "Fuck." before it exploded into a grand ball of fire. The explosion sent Derpy flying back into a wall, knocking her out, and sent flames everywhere, effectively catching her house on fire in the process.
When Derpy awoke she noticed a piece of paper had landed on her nose, she calmly picked it up and read,
Derpy Hooves, We have your daughter. You will never see her again. - the Narwhal president.
"Shit, Narwhals." Derpy muttered under her breath as she calmly made her way through her burning house to her bed room. She arrived in her bed room (It was also on fire.) as she arrived at her gun case (Which miraculously wasn't on fire.) and she began to equip herself for the battle ahead.
She calmly picked out an M60 machine gun, and AN-94 assault rifle with under slung GP-30 grenade launcher, akimbo micro UZI's, a M870P shotgun, and a Smith & Wesson Model 500. She then noticed that her heater was about to explode so she jumped out of her second story window.
Derpy landed with a thud as she landed and survived the fall completely unscathed. She quickly stood up and noticed a car being driven by Narwhals so she flagged down a motorcycle police pony, hit him with the butt of her shotgun knocking him out, and then hijacking his bike and gave chase to the Narwhal terrorists.
Derpy steered her bike with one hoof as she pumped and loaded her shotgun with the other. After she was loaded she took aim and fired. The Twelve gauge Dragon's breath hit the back of the Narwhal’s van, punched out a window, and caught the back left door on fire.
The driver Narwhal waved a flipper at the other two Narwhals, singling them to return fire and they pulled out
AK-47's and began to fire. The bullets missed Derpy and hit numerous passersby as she moved the bike to dodge the 7.62 rounds from the Narwhal's AK's as she fired her shotgun back at them. The Next shot, Loaded with a slug hit the first Narwhal in the head, causing his head to explode in a shower of blubber and blood. The second narwhal, however, produced an M203 grenade launcher from under his seat and took a shot at Derpy.
The high explosive grenade hit the front tire of Derpy's bike blowing it off and sending her flying forward and luckily, she landed on the roof of the Narwhal's van. She tossed her shotgun away (It hit Doctor Hooves in the face, knocking out a tooth.) and unholstered her two UZI's. The driver Narwhal started to swerve in an attempt to throw Derpy off of the van's roof. (Running a few other cars off the road, sending them crashing into each other or other buildings in a mighty explosion.)
The remaining Narwhale pulled a PANCOR Jack Hammer out from under his seat and unleashed a torrent of shotgun fire that Derpy easily dodged, slid over and grabbed the narwhal, pulling him atop the roof of the van. The Narwhal hit the roof of the van with a thud, but he quickly recovered and brandished a combat knife, while Derpy charged him with her bare hoofs.
Derpy tackled the narwhal, sending him in front of the van in which he was quickly ran over and reduced to a bloody pulp. Derpy was about to bust the van's windshield and kill the driver but was interrupted by an attack chopper piloted by a Narwhal.
The gunship sent a torrent of minigun fire at Derpy but she dodged and it hit a hot dog vendor instead, killing him and causing his hot dog stand to explode. Derpy then jumped off of the van and grabbed the side of the attack chopper, sending it off balance. The Narwhal pilot then opened his hatch, pulled Derpy up, and began to fight her hand to hand.
Derpy quickly dispatched the narwhal, pushing him over the side and causing him to land on a car (Sending it off the road, hitting a building and exploding.) and she took control of the chopper when she heard the chopper's comms turn on.
"So, I see you've managed to kill my Narwhal terrorists." The Narwhale president said to Derpy through the radio. "No matter, I shall just kill you myself!" and with that combat VTOL came into view.
Derpy, using the chopper's targeting computer was able to see the Narwhal president in his terrible form.
He wore a monocle, top hat, and had a swirly mustache, and was voiced by Liam Neeson.
An expression of pure hate spread across Derpy's face as she said "Let this be our final battle." to which the Narwhal president replied, "Lets" and they engaged in a massive dogfight.
Derpy sent a barrage of minigun fire at the Narwhal president's VTOL in which her dodged and sent a duo of rockets at Derpy. Derpy then sent another volley of gunfire at him only to discover she had just run out of ammo, so she did the only sensible thing possible. She went to ram the Narwhal president.
The Narwhal president could only watch as Derpy's chopper rammed into his VTOL, sending him plummeting to the ground.
"YOLO!" the Narwhale president shouted as his craft went down and crashed into the apple family's barn, catching the hard cider on fire and blowing up the VTOL. But Derpy was losing control of her chopper, and decided to ram it into the van from earlier.
With a horrible sound of metal clashing with metal the chopper and the van collided, sending both up into flames. But Derpy lived, only suffering minor bruises. She walked calmly over to the wreckage of the van to search for her beloved Dinky, and after much digging, found her unscathed. Derpy then woke Dinky up and they went home to watch Transformers by Michael Bay.
THE END!