"With all due respect, Princess Celestia... HOW COULD YOU BRING DISCORD HERE?!" Lavender Lady screams from the top of her lungs, her mind already calculating the percentage of possibilities such as Celestia losing her mind, becoming possessed, being replaced by a Changeling or having lost a bet with Prince Blueblood. Only then does she remember to curtsy. "Ahem... your Majesty."
The six friends had been pampering themselves all morning, excited for a visit from their motherly sovereign. Pinkie had even made her hooves shine, something she normally saved for sponge cake and the can-can. However, it appears this is no social call. Not even an April Fool's. What appears to be Celestia smiles her Mona Lisa smile, completely undisturbed by the outburst. "I'm fully aware that the last time Discord was here, he created serious havoc." Luna says, as her servants unload the statue from the royal wagon.
"If by serious havoc, you mean turning Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world..." Daredevil mutters sarcastically.
Goddess joins right in. "And tricking us all into being the opposite of our true selves... !"
"And making yummy delicious chocolate milk rain all over the place without a single drop of whipped cream to go with it anywhere in sight ... ! NOT A SINGLE DOLLOP!" Cutie Pie shouts with outrage.
You and Wizard Hat are observing the discussion from a bush on the horizon, trying to share a single pair of binoculars. "Trixie thinks this whole plan is absurd!" She growls in your ear.
"Trixie has said so five thousand fucking times already." You monotone. "It's perfectly simple. They spend a week working their tattooed asses off to convert this guy while we go get drunk somewhere in a hotel... then we swoop in, get him to fix the Princess and me... and Bob's your uncle!"
"And Bob's your uncle!" Wizard Hat imitates childishly. "They do not seem very self-confident."
You scoff. "Rubbish. It's just performance jitters. They've handled worse."
At that precise moment, Mr Gecko chooses to scream: "THIS WILL NEVER WORK! THIS IS A DISASTER! HOW WILL WE EVER CONTROL HIM?! WE'RE DOOMED!"
You can feel Wizard Hat's gaze drilling into your soul. "It'll be fine..." you say very slowly. "Look. She's even giving them the Elements. Any shit goes down, he goes down with it. We're perfectly safe."
After a short delay, you see two late arrivals galloping towards the Princess. Applebutt and... Sweetheart. The pony who'd taken you in when you first arrived in Ponyville. Your heart tightens up a little as you recall your disastrous parting, influenced by the Alicorn Amulet's devastating effect on your personality. With all the craziness that had been going on, you hadn't had the oppurtunity to make amends. For a brief moment, you feel an insane desire to forget the plan and just jump out of the bushes, go to her and give the shy pegasus the biggest bear hug... but Celestia's life was at stake, along with your own and that of Eris.
The sound of galloping hooves and flapping wings draws you out of the stormcloud of guilt. Luna's carriage ascends to the sky, leaving Discord to Lavender Lady and her friends. It's showtime. You watch with fascination as they each activate their Element jewelry, the combined rainbow beam of magic melting the stone off the draconequus. Next to you, Wizard Hat is nervously chewing her bottom lip. You realise you're doing the same thing.
The sound of crackling bones echo across the field as Discord stretches his snake-like body. "It's about time somepony got me out of that prison block!" He announces.
You frown. Discord's voice tickles a memory at the back of your skull. "Why is he doing a John de Lancie impression?"
"Keep it down!" Wizard Hat hisses. "Oh, I hope they freeze him again..."
Things get tense as the draconequus starts throwing out spells like a PG-13 rendition of The Exorcist. "You ponies truly believe that you can reform me!" He sneers, hovering over Fluttershy. "You're putting your faith in this one here to make it happen. Makes me wanna pinch your little horsey cheeks!"
Lavender Lady's eyes flash with fury. "How'd you know about that?!" She demands.
"Being turned to stone doesn't keep me from hearing every word Celestia says... although I admit it makes rolling my eyes a challenge."
You and Wizard Hat freeze simultaneously. "Did... did he just say...?" You whisper, afraid of the answer.
"Oh, yes." John de Lancie's gleeful voice cuts through the both of you like a red-hot knife slicing butter. You turn around, facing the floating draconequus. Looking back, you see Discord in the distance, still japing with the ponies. "You can imagine just how beside myself I was when I realized what old Loony had in store for me. Redemption! Hah!" The copy chuckles darkly.
You notice the paw of the real Discord twitching oddly, as if he was puppeteering an invisible doll... matching the movements of the version of Discord with you. "You know, I'm almost tempted to give it a go." He continues. "Not because I care, but the sheer audacity of the scheme! Oh... and to give all that responsibility over to the Feel-Good League there. I dare say I couldn't have come up with a better joke if I tried!" He pauses briefly, enjoying the chattering of Wizard Hat's teeth. "Or maybe... I can improve the punchline just a little."
Discord snaps his toes, and the world around you disappears in a flash.
The three of you rematerialise on an empty asphalt street, surrounded by skyscrapers and other tall buildings. There's not a vehicle in sight, not a sound to be heard. The red glow of the sun shines on you. "What is this place?!" Wizard Hat squeaks. She gets on her knees, begging. "Oh please, noble creature, whatever rivalry you have with that poor demented diamond dog, it's nothing whatsoever to do with Trixie! She is, in fact, a poor entertainer forced to go along with this scheme to make ends meet! You cannot hold this against her! You-"
"Shut up and stop groveling!" You snap. Realisation slowly sets in. "This is Los Angeles! We're on Earth, my Earth!"
Wizard Hat pulls her hat over her face, as if it could somehow save her from the horrible reality she's found herself in.
"Where is everyone?!" You run around, horrified. The city is so silent that you can only hear the echo of your footsteps.
Discord shrugs. "Stuffing their pillows in their ears, I expect. That's usually what people do when someone's screaming their head off at 4 AM." His goat head pops off its neck. The draconequus dribbles it like a basketball before tossing it over to you. The head smirks deviously in your hands. "I wanted us to have a little chat, and it'd be terribly inconvenient to have to shout over the cars. Wouldn't you agree?"
In a fit of rage, you throw the head up and try to kick it with your foot. However, Discord's head transforms into a balloon filled with chocolate milk, and the end result is you getting splashed all over. "What do you want to talk about?!" You grit your teeth at the restored draconequus, dripping all the while.
"Well..." Discord strokes his chin. "What's your favourite movie?"
You blink, not sure if you heard right. "What?"
"Casablanca? Pulp Fiction? Surely not Fifty Shades of Grey? Ohh! It's been eons since I met another movie nerd. I do hope you got your money back if you saw that one. If not, I'll happily invest. Not the money, of course, I'm not a bank. But I can easily turn the clock around, and you'll have your 2 hours returned to you. I'm sure they miss you as much you miss them!"
"You've been on Earth... before?" You struggle to control the rapid beating of your heart.
Discord snaps his toes again, causing an orchestra to appear behind him. "Of course I've been here before. I'm from Earth." At his cue, the orchestra plays a dramatic reveal tune. "I suppose you thought you were totally unique, wandering from one dimension to another, breaking the barrier of non-magic around you, hatching a draconequus egg within mind? My human found her way to Equestria long before you did. Before the princesses were even born. But of course she wasn't half as bright as you. Just a tribal woman whose thoughts centered entirely around rituals and fruit and the cataloguing of strange smells. She kept an entire collection of different stinks inside a stone box. One time she decided to show them to her boyfriend, and opened up the whole thing. The entire tribe died within minutes. Poor Pandora... as I said, not very bright. Her brain didn't last long when I cozied up in it. But she left me a magnificent inheritance... her body. I made a few improvements, as you can see." He smiled giddily and presented his furry coils like a little boy showing off a toy car. "When she passed, my powers became limitless. And now, history is about to repeat itself."
Eris screams her outrage in your brain so loudly that you lose focus. "There, you see?" Discord taps your head with a random cane. "She's all grown up. My... dare I be so forward... future bride. I brought you back to Earth because I believe that, in spite of one's great achievements, one should never forget one's roots. I thought it only appropriate that you should die here." The draconequus weaves his arm through yours, and takes you for a stroll through the empty street. "You know, I think we'll have the wedding here as well. A Las Vegas wedding, what could be more fun?! And you!" He points a talon at Wizard Hat. "The poor entertainer down on her luck! You can do some magic tricks! I love magic tricks!"
Wizard Hat smiles weakly, following along. "It'd... be my pleasure..."
"Yes! You'll see, Anon, I'll be a son-in-law you can be proud of! But first, I really must get back to Fluttershy and those nasty friends of hers... oh, she's so protective of them! So sweet! So helpless. So easy to win around. Ta-ta! Be seeing you!" Discord disappears in a flash, leaving you and Wizard Hat standing alone in silence.
In the distance, you hear a car honking loudly. For some reason, that makes you smile. "Come on... we'd better get you off the street before somebody sees you." You say to the borderline catatonic blue unicorn.