"Princess," Shining Armor bowed briefly before catching himself, receiving Celestia in his study.
"Emperor," Celestia bowed with a small, knowing smile.
"...I've been a captain under your command far longer than I held this title. Old habits die hard, especially ones beaten into you by a drill sergeant," He shrugged.
"Still, it's probably a good thing there weren't servants around to see that," Celestia nodded.
"Probably, yes."
"Will Cadance be joining us?"
"In a moment, yes. Will Luna be joining us as well?"
"Perhaps, but I don't make any promises. On one hoof, she was very excited, on the other, she's probably still asleep."
"Would you like some exotic tea while we wait?" He gestured towards a table with a tea set and snacks.
"Ooh. Exotic as in from the deep north, yes?" Celestia asked, cantering closer and inhaling the scents.
"Yes. Fresh from the... Somethings of Snowpitt. I'm not actually sure what kind of terrain they harvest it from," He shrugged, taking a seat as Celestia did the same.
"You would make a poor salespony, Shinining Armor," Celestia chuckled.
"Hey, I'm not the one who's marketing the tea, that's the snowpony's job," He smiled, pouring three cups.
"Ah yes, snowponies. Such a charming and innocent name for a people living in some of the harshest conditions imaginable," She nodded, taking a sip of the tea and savoring it for a good while.
"As far as everyone was able to translate, that is, in fact, the name they use to refer to themselves," He shrugged.
As they slowly sipped their tea, Cadance trotted in, her face lighting up when she saw Celestia. "Auntie!"
"Greetings, Empress," Celestia bowed.
"Oh, cut it out, you goof," Cadance puffed up her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, my niece. Hug?" Celestia asked, extending a wing.
"Better," Cadance nodded, hugging her back.
"So, how are things in the Empire?"
"Hectic. Tense. But also... Fun. And exciting," Cadance summarized.
"A bit more hectic than I expected, I'd imagine, given how unexpectedly neighbor-rich you found yourselves, despite the supposedly desolate region."
"Quite, though there hasn't been a single snowpony sighting in the Empire in the eight months since we returned, until the previous week. They don't feel like crossing the mountains unless there's snow," Cadance shrugged. "And how are things in Equestria?"
"Peculiar. Especially concerning the snowponies. Here. You might want to see these," Celestia nodded, levitating a small diplomatic satchel that she brought with her. Opening it, she retrieved several newspapers with her magic, setting them down on the table, Shining Armor and Cadance picking them up to read, almost immediately frowning at the headlines.
FLESH-EATING PONIES OF THE NORTH? A BRIEF SUMMARY
Knowledge is a funny thing. As the author of this article did his research on the subject, he found out that a large part of the population in Equestria are actually not aware that pegasi have a taste for fish. It certainly was not kept a secret, and pegasi restaurants openly advertised it - but with those so often being in the clouds, it seems that a large number of unicorns and earth ponies remained unaware.
The explanation for their unusual appetites is relatively simple, offered by the pegasi themselves - ponies need protein and fat to remain healthy, especially the warrior-like pegasus tribe. While the earth ponies tamed chickens for eggs and the unicorns negotiated alliances with cows for cheese, pegasi often set up their cloud forts over or near bodies of water, which were brimming with fish. Why not take advantage of the free food?
Well, as I'm sure most of the readers are aware by now, there was not one, but two tribes recently discovered in the deep north - the returning Crystal Empire, as well as an unexpected bonus - the so-called "snowponies". The first one is at least historically familiar to us, while the second one was quite a shock, especially once we found out their methods of survival in such harsh conditions.
Where pegasi only supplement their diets with the occasional fish, the snowponies appear to be dedicated, predatory meat-eaters! Not only fish, but other animals as well! They have hunters - yes, ponies who's sole job is tracking down and killing prey - which they then consume with gusto. While there have been historical cases of cannibalism in extreme circumstances amongst shipwrecked and lost ponies in harsh environments, we were not able to confirm or deny whether the snowponies also consume the bodies of their deceased...
"Ugh," Cadance frowned in disgust, putting the paper down, refusing to read further. "Utter sensationalism. A sprinkle of truth in the beginning, with a slathering of completely unfounded speculation dumped on top, masquerading as truth."
"Yes, with so little available, and that little being quite unusual, I'm afraid sensationalism is what most papers went with. It gets worse," Celestia nodded.
"Let's see, then," Shining Armor said, picking up another newspaper.
NECROMANTIC NATION OF THE NORTH: RESTLESS SPIRITS
"Well, this one was kind of expected, at least," He said, nodding towards the picture that went with the article. It was a photo of Agate looking curiously at the camera, her family in the background.
The recent discovery of yet another tribe of ponies from the times of the Sundering, also known as the Windigo Winter, set Equestrian scholars abuzz. The excitement was not entirely positive, however, as one of the very first glimpses of their culture seemed to involve severely necromantic elements, such as binding the spirits of the dead to the service of the living.
The author of this article is well aware that the last part of the previous sentence sounds like something taken straight out of a fiction novel, but, rest assured, it is entirely accurate. Yes, not only are wandering undead spirits a reality, apparently, making many ponies question the veracity of the many ghost stories that were previously considered fictional, so are necromancers.
From what this newspaper's investigation uncovered, the spirit in the photo is one of a crystal pony mare named "Agate", who's existence has been confirmed by multiple crystal ponies, as well as Their Highnesses Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor.
Supposedly, she struck a deal with the snowpony necromancers - the so-called "shamares" - after she died outside the Empire's shield during Sombra's coup a thousand years ago. In exchange for her knowledge, she was allowed to remain with them for the entirety of the thousand years that the Empire was gone, with the goal of seeing her family one last time.
At this time, we are unaware whether they have more necromantic magic in their list of abilities, but, given that this was the very first thing ponies learned about them, odds are that they do. Many ponies are shocked that a tribe with seemingly just minor deviations from their supposed earth pony ancestors is capable of such magics at all, making them question whether there is something else happening here that we're not aware of yet...
"Okay, that one's not outright full of lies and not-so-subtle suggestions that the snowponies are bloodthirsty, raving cannibals, but it's still inaccurate. Shamares aren't necromancers, and they don't go around "binding spirits in service to the living", nor did they ask anything from Agate for allowing her to stay," Cadance scoffed.
"If binding spirits to their, what was it - totem poles? - is only part of their repertoire, are they not necromancers still? If a pony is a wizard part-time, they're still a wizard, aren't they?" Celestia asked.
"It's not necromancy. It's... Spiritualism? Pony spirits are just part of the whole," Shining Armor shrugged.
"You seem quite convinced," Celestia raised an eyebrow.
"And you're not? How many pony ghosts have you talked to in your lifetime?" Shining Armor asked.
"...None," She admitted after a pause.
"Agate is a fine, upstanding, sweet mare. She's not some shambling undead horror to be let loose upon the world by some villain, and snowponies don't make those kinds of things," Cadance insisted.
"So I have heard. She's still around, then? I had the impression that she was going to leave for her... Eternal rest," Celestia asked.
"She is, but we don't bother her. Her family convinced her to stay for a while longer. She flies in from the north now and again to spend time with them," Cadance nodded.
"Hm. Understandable. Having to wait for a millennium to see my family again is something I can relate to," Celestia nodded.
"Her family didn't exactly try to get rid of her like yours did, but yes," Shining Armor nodded.
"Should we even continue reading these?" Cadance held up the newspapers with disgust.
"Might as well finish them," Shining Armor shrugged. "Let's see..."
BRUTAL COLD: BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL IN THE FAR NORTH
Equestria has experienced all sorts of upheavals and calamities in recent years, from the return and subsequent redemption of the mythological Nightmare Moon, to the sudden changeling invasion. With such events happening with alarming frequency, it is doubly reassuring when they leave behind pleasant things, such as new and curious allies like the crystal ponies, rather than nightmares and fears of shapeshifters in every shadow.
On the matter of the snowponies living even further north than the Empire, though, opinions are divided. On one hoof, they seem mostly harmless, practicing their strange, occult magics for millennia without notice from Equestria. On the other hoof, their incredibly harsh and nigh-unlivable environment seems to have driven them mad, making them resort to some truly unsavory practices that would be quite frowned upon in a civilized society.
Necromancy, eating meat, spirits wandering around like it's nothing, and who knows what else. Even the Crystal Empire has to bring warmth to their region artificially, and the snowponies live even further north. With conditions as horrifyingly cold as those, it is no wonder that their survival techniques ended up being just as extreme.
Some say that they should be left alone and forgotten, forsaken in the freezing wastelands where they supposedly belong. Still, the more compassionate ponies think that we should not leave them to languish in the cold, and that we should show them the light of Harmony, barbaric and savage as they may be.
There have been suggestions about sending teachers there to try and enlighten the brutish tribe, with adequate guards in case they didn't like hearing the truth, of course. Some have also suggested finding empty stretches of land in warmer areas to resettle them, in hopes that an environment that's more conducive to natural and civilized pony behavior will aid in the re-education efforts...
"Alright, that one's just disgusting," Cadance curled her lip, Shining Armor nodding along.
"You don't think we should help them?" Celestia asked.
"They don't need help," Cadance shook her head with a small smile. "A freezing gale that would kill us in hours or less is a mild, pleasant breeze for them. For us, their territories appear to be freezing wastes. For them, they're home. Wonderful, rich, resource-plenty home. They're not suffering, they're thriving. The very first earth ponies that settled there would have preferred if it was warmer, I'm sure. Now, though? They're perfectly adapted to their conditions."
"And I'm quite certain they wouldn't be all that interested in any offers of resettlement, especially with things such as "re-education" attached to it," Shining Armor added.
"Mm. I see. Unfortunately, that idea seems to have caught on in Equestria," Celestia said, taking a sip of her tea.
"And how do those wise and kind ponies think to overcome their love for their home? Even the author of that article, daft as he was, said-" Cadance began.
"By force, if necessary," Celestia stated calmly.
"You're kidding," Shining Armor scoffed.
"I'm not, I'm afraid. I had a petitioner some time ago. One Draft Purse, Baron of Silverdale, entreated me most passionately to mobilize the Guard and volunteers to mount a campaign to, and I quote, "Rescue those poor, savage, tribal ponies from wallowing in their delusional and evil traditions. They are still of Equestrian descent, and their pitiful existence reflects poorly on Equestria's glory, and our generosity and kindness. It would be a massive undertaking, but, as noble-hearted ponies, we must not shy away from hard choices." end quote," Celestia recounted.
"And how much of his own efforts did he pledge to the "massive undertaking"?" Shining Armor asked.
"He most humbly offered his leadership for the most momentous and historical campaign," Celestia said with an almost invisible smile.
"Right. He wants for everyone else to do the heavy lifting while he sits back and gets to be credited in the history books as the one who masterminded it all. And they're not even "of Equestrian descent"! The tribes split apart and went their ways at the same time!" Cadance rolled her eyes.
"Princess... They would not even remotely agree to something like that. This would become a campaign in the very literal sense. The military sense," Shining Armor warned.
"Oh? Surely you're not saying that Equestria should be afraid of some scattered, tribal ponies that have trouble even procuring enough metal for weapons?" Celestia asked, her face and voice entirely neutral.
"...You'd get your butts kicked," Shining Armor said after a moment, staring Celestia down as Cadance frowned in confusion at the strange turn of conversation.
"That's quite a decisive statement, captain," She said, looking at the stallion as he reflexively sat up straighter at hearing the title.
"Yup, since, for one, the Empire will most certainly not aid you in this fool's endeavor," He nodded, keeping his gaze and voice firm.
"Oh? But you're allies-"
"For defense. Not for starting fruitless invasions," He shook his head.
"Auntie, what has gotten into you?!" Finding her voice, Cadance asked angrily. "How can you sit there and plan for war against people that have done you no wrong?!"
"If you want peace, you must prepare for war, niece," Celestia spoke calmly, turning back to Shining Armor as the other alicorn sat there, slack-jawed at her answer. "Fruitless, you say? What makes you so certain?"
"The first time they arrived, they came during a blizzard. After entering the shield, some of them returned back to the blizzard to cool down. For us, the conditions would be absolutely brutal. For them, they would be ideal," Shining Armor began to list things off.
"Surely we could do it during summer?"
"Summers are depressingly short there, and holding territory on the other side of the mountain range during winter would be a logistics nightmare even without the potential counter-attacks, let alone the sheer amount of territory. Their lands are huge, with plains that seemingly stretch on forever, and that's before we even get to the waterborne northern tribe. Taking their villages would mean little, as they are well-adapted to be nomadic, and can retreat to the other tribe's territories and continue their fight from there."
"Surely modern warfare tactics would overcome whatever resistance they could put up?"
"I doubt it. You'd score some victories at first, maybe. But their mystics and elders told me that one of their mottoes is "adapt and overcome". They did not survive in those conditions by being stupid, oh no. One of their well-established ways of learning new things is by heavily studying the northern creatures in every way possible, to learn all their tricks and even magics. With learning from their adversaries being one of their core strategies, I don't think you'd have an advantage all that long."
"They are but one tribe, however, while there are three in Equestria, including the airborne pegasi. Surely the combined different skills of-"
"Nope," He interrupted, not even waiting for her to finish. "They'd pull a blizzard out of their rears and all the pegasi would freeze their wings off. Those shamares of theirs told me some stories of their powers, including some kind of ancient conflict between tribes they called the "spirit war of woods and ice". And, as fantastical as some of their stories sound, I have seen no evidence showing that they were making things up, and I did see some proof that they weren't."
"My my. It seems that it would be, at best, a pyrrhic victory even if we won such a campaign," Celestia summarized.
"Indeed. And you know what? None of those things I listed off even matter. Well, maybe by one percent," He smiled faintly.
"Oh? And what are the other ninety-nine percent of considerations made of?" She asked, perfectly raising a single eyebrow.
"Windigoes," He stated simply, crossing his forelegs and confidently leaning back.
The other eyebrow went to join its sibling. "Really now."
"Yes. They're pretty bad news, from what I can recall. Three of them almost ended the entirety of ponykind back in the day. Imagine what dozens, or hundreds could do. You ever see a windigo, Princess?"
"No, I have not. I may be old, but I am not that old, Shining Armor. I come from the time of Discord's reign. The Sundering, Equestria's founding, the subsequent Dark Age under Grogar's rule and the re-establishment of the nation are as mythological for me as they are to you," She lightly shook her head.
"Well, if you ever want to see one, go to the northern tribe's lands. They assured me that I'd see plenty," He nodded.
"...Good," She eventually said, leaning back and taking another sip of the tea. "It'd be a damned shame to lose the importers of such fine tea, anyway."
"Auntie, pardon my Prench, but de quoi parlait cette conversation au Tartare?!" Cadance asked, using actual Prench.
"Oh? Why, just a friendly discussion between rulers of nations, dear," Celestia smiled at her, dropping her emotionless mask.
"Why?"
"Because if something is a monumentally bad idea, it's not a bad thing to have an actual list of reasons as to why it's a bad idea, instead of just shooting it down without actually dismantling it and exposing it for the stupidity that it is. Doing the former mostly makes such ideas die, while the latter tends to make them fester and grow, as ponies are rarely capable of accepting that they were wrong without some serious arguments," The elder alicorn explained.
"Hearing you casually talk about invasions and war like that put a foul taste in my mouth," Cadance grumbled, aggressively biting into a teacake.
"As it should, but only by considering each and every option truly and honestly can you find the one that's actually the best in any situation. Either way, now I'm going to have something to say if any other windbags come to me with "clever" suggestions in regards to snowponies," Celestia nodded, taking a cake as well.
Shining Armor tapped his chin, nodding as he swallowed some tea. "The more I think about it, the longer that list even gets. When we were talking with their chieftains, they told us that they came to the southern tribe's capital because they heard of the Empire's return. But later, I found out that it takes weeks, if not an entire month to get there from the northern tribe's capital, and it had only been somewhere around a month since the Empire's return, which meant that their chieftain had to hear the news almost instantly."
"And how did he achieve that?" Celestia asked.
"Apparently, one of the northern shamares that was visiting Snowpitt for the winter informed him via dreams," He shrugged.
"Oh my! They have dreamwalkers, too? Luna will be fascinated by that. In fact, she actually said that she was going to try and see if she could at least reach their dreams while she slept in the Empire. I wonder if-"
Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of said alicorn, slowly cantering into the room with a yawn. "Even- Whatever time of the day it is."
"Late afternoon... Evening, really," Cadance shrugged.
"How was your sleep, Luna? Did you know that the snowponies actually have dreamwalkers of their own?" Celestia asked cheerfully.
"I have... Found that out, yes," She nodded slowly, reaching into her mane with a foreleg and yanking out some kind of small, decorated net out of it with a slightly pained grimace. "And they know how to make dream-booby traps, too."
"Dream booby traps?" Celestia blinked.
"I don't want to talk about it," Luna huffed.
❅ ❆ ❅
"So how do we actually talk with them, if we happen to meet any?" Celestia asked some time later, after Luna had some breakfast and they met up in a different room.
"Fluent Tongue made a makeshift dictionary. According to him, their language is one part modern words, two parts old ponish, and three parts what he dubbed "snowponish". So if you know old ponish, you'll be able to understand about half of what they're saying. Which is not too bad, and it does make learning the rest easier," Cadance explained.
"He'd never say it to Agate's face, but boy, was he mad about that one-part of modern words," Shining Armor recalled. "They can pronounce "crystal" perfectly, for example, and words like "agate" as well, for obvious reasons. Apparently, Agate taught them some words, which they adopted into their language and replaced some of the old words with over the centuries, which "tainted" the "pure development from old ponish", as Fluent Tongue described it."
"Well, practicality tends to win out against historical preservation," Celestia giggled.
"And are there any snowponies currently in the Empire? I am not sure if we have the time for a jaunt past the mountain range," Luna inquired.
"There is but one. An enterprising mare that brought the load of tea to sell. And I'm not sure if going there right now is the best idea," Cadance confirmed.
"An intrepid merchant? Well, she probably shouldn't be too intimidated by us if we tried talking to her," Luna mused.
"I've no idea how they might react to you when you actually visit their territories. They have their own mythos about the Sun and the Moon, and... Yeah. Seeing you and the things you do might turn their mythology upside down," Cadance shrugged.
"Ah... That is a problem that I have encountered now and then when meeting new peoples, yes," Celestia nodded. "It might seem silly, but it is a thornier issue than you'd expect. Even if they don't give it much thought, a creature's mythos is still a deep part of their culture."
"Why do they travel during winter if it's such a bad idea, though?" Luna asked.
"Different advantages. They have that crazy "snowwalking" skill, and sleighs make transportation of goods over snow very easy, which is important, since you can't exactly bring a cart through the mountains. And they can somehow build warm shelters out of snow and ice," Shining Armor explained. "Meanwhile, we get cold and freeze during winter, and the blizzards make flight hard for pegasi, but dropping by during summer shouldn't be too big of an issue even for a group without pegasus chariots making it easier. Cargo would still be an issue for merchants on our side, though."
"And did you visit them during summer?" Celestia asked.
"Um..." Cadance trailed off, looking away.
"Cadance here really took a liking to the snowpony delicacies," Shining Armor grinned.
"Really, such a journey just for culinary experiences? You remind me of my sister," Luna rolled her eyes.
"But it's so good," Cadance whispered.
"And what of this... Spirit? Agate? Meeting an undead we could actually converse with would be quite the experience," Luna asked.
"She prefers to be left alone... But if you're polite and don't try to be overly insistent, she'd probably be up for a conversation. I don't know if she's in the Empire right now, though," Cadance replied thoughtfully.
"You said that she visits every few days, yes? I'm sure we can catch her," Celestia nodded.
"Probably," Shining Armor agreed.
"Well. The last few years have certainly been full of excitement. No matter what happens next, it should be interesting. Let's see if we can track down that merchant mare, or see if Agate is home tomorrow," Celestia nodded, fluffing out her wings.