I tried to unscrew the massive pickle jar’s lid with my magic, gradually increasing the amount of force I used. But then I heard a cracking sound, so I set the pickle jar down, then took a moment to think. Telekinesis isn’t great at delicate tasks like this. What if the jar shatters, and I get glass in the pickles?
But with the help of my friends, we’ll solve this, like we always do. We’ve got to open this pickle jar before Celestia shows up to our Superb Owl party.
Rainbow Dash’s voice distracted me from my thoughts. “… And I can’t believe that the Wonderbolts are performing at the half-time show this year! This party is going to be so awesome!“
“Now hold on there, sugarcube. Let me try!“ Applejack picked up the jar with one hoof and turned the lid with her right forehoof, straining. But the lid didn’t budge. She frowned, and said “Ah bet that Big Macintosh could open it, but he’s helping bake apple pies at Sweet Apple Acres for us to sell at the party.“ She set the jar back down on the table.
Rarity chimed in. “This needs a delicate touch, darling.“ Her horn, the pickle jar, and the lid glow as she strains to open it.“ She looked embarrassed. “Wow, that usually works. The lid is really stuck.“
I looked at the clock, then yelled, “The party will start in almost ten minutes! We need to get this jar open!“
Rainbow Dash asked, “Can’t you just, you know, teleport to Costcolt and buy another jar of two hundred pickles?“
Well, obviously I thought of that. I shook my head and explained, “They close early on weekends. That would be trespassing, Rainbow Dash.“
Rarity chimed in, “Well, darling, could you not simply teleport just the lid or the pickles?“
I sighed, and cast the teleportation spell on the lid to demonstrate. The entire jar reappeared, a foot to the left. “Costcolt started protecting most of their merchandise with a magic tamper-proof seal, after some unicorn fillies mixed some hot sauce into tubs of ice cream as a prank. The seal on the lid pops out to let customers know if a jar was opened. It’s impossible to teleport things into or out of this jar, without opening it first.“ I shook my head. “I don’t think that I can break the seal without breaking the jar.“
Pinkie Pie stood on her hind legs and enthusiastically yelled, “It’s a good thing that I’ve stashed jar openers all over Equestria in case of a jar emergency! She picked up a large, dusty book about jarring from a nearby library shelf, opens it, and pulls out a strange contraption that was even larger than the book was. Thankfully, the book was undamaged. The contraption resembled a ship’s wheel, and was attached to a suction cup and some clamps. Remember, it’s just Pinkie Pie. Don’t overthink this again. She pulled out a pirate’s hat and a stuffed animal parrot from out of her mane and put them on her head, then trotted over to the jar, firmly attached the clamps to the jar and the plunger to the jar’s lid, and turned the large wheel counter-clockwise with her forehooves.
This might work! It’s Pinkie Pie, after all.
The spokes snapped, and Pinkie Pie fell over, luckily leaving the jar undamaged. And Pinkie Pie seemed fine. She got up, frowned, and stated, “Well, that didn’t work.“
Rainbow Dash floats over, looks at her, and says, “Are you okay, Pinkie Pie!“
Pinkie Pie cheered up and stated, “Aye, aye, matey!“
Now that I think about it, what else did she hide in my library? I’m going to have to check every book again.
I stare at Pinkie Pie, and the remains of the broken ship’s wheel scattered below her. And why in the hay did Pinkie dress like a pirate for this? This makes no sense! Pirates and jars have nothing to do with pickles… I think? And the clock is ticking! My eyes twitched, and I stomped my hooves, then screamed, “This is driving me nuts!“
Fluttershy asked, “Now that I think about it, why did we even start having Superb Owl parties? We could have had a superb bird party, or even a superb creature party and included everycreature. And why does Owlowiscious have to knock off the helmets of so many scarecrows and steal hoofballs from them, and toss them through the goalposts? This tradition seems a bit mean, Twilight.“ Fluttershy frowned.
I explained, “It’s a human tradition that I learned about at Canterlot High. Everybody… I mean everypony gathers together with friends and family, prepares lots of snacks, and watch advertisements and men in helmets holding ’footballs’ getting tackled or hit in their head. And they try to take balls from each other, then throw them and kick them for points. Humans post all sorts of pictures and drawings of owls ahead of time to celebrate it. It’s just too bad that I wasn’t there to see their Superb Owl.“
Rainbow Dash asked, “Are you sure that’s right?“
Yes. I’m certain. I sighed loudly, and explained, “I know how sports work. The Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pies from Canterlot High told me all about Superb Owl parties. I even wrote to Sunset Shimmer to triple check, and she wrote me back to say that I was one hundred percent correct about everything.“ There’s no way that it was a prank.
Pinkie Pie giggled, crouched, looked at me, and stage whispered, “Don’t you mean the ’big event’, Twilight?“
I held my forehoof between my eyes and groaned, then said, “We go over this every year, Pinkie. You can just say Superb Owl.“
Owlowiscious hooted, from upstairs.
Pinkie Pie stage whispered, “They heard us!“
I yelled, “The party’s in five minutes! Will somepony open it already!
Rainbow Dash said, “I’ve got this!“ She tried to open it, but failed in the same manner as Applejack. Suddenly, she screamed and slammed the jar against the floor with both hooves.
Luckily, the jar didn’t break.
I screamed, “Stop!“
Rainbow Dash stopped, then floated in the air and grinned. “I think that a Sonic Rainboom can break this jar open!“
I yelled, “No! The side effects would be disastrous! Nopony except Spike can safely eat pickles if they have glass in them, and he hates glass!“
Fluttershy chimed in, “Now, now. What this needs is some warm water. It works every time.“ She confidently trotted over to Rainbow Dash, took the jar, then moved to the sink, turned on the hot water, and ran hot water over the lid.
This is embarrassing. I blurt out, “How could I forget! Metals expand when they heat up!“
Fluttershy turned off the tap, wiped off her hooves and the lid with a towel, then gripped the jar and lid in her forehooves, then confidently attempted to turn the lid with all her might.
The lid didn’t move.
Rainbow Dash perked up, unfurled her wings, then yelled, “I have a great idea! What if we use the Elements of Harmony on the pickle jar?“
I state the obvious, “No! We don’t know what they’ll do. They might turn the jar to stone, or turn the pickles back into cucumbers or cucumber seeds, or send them to the moon! We can’t take that chance!“
Speaking of the Elements of Harmony, that reminds me! My usual spells can’t transform something this tightly attached to something else, but Discord can probably use his chaos magic to transform the lid!
I yell, as loudly as I can, “Discord!“
Discord appeared, wearing a Superb Owl hat, jersey, and a foam glove over his lion’s paw. He asked, “What is it, Princess?“ Good thing that worked. I pointed to the pickle jar’s lid, and asked, “Can you transform this?“
“You summoned me for a pickle jar?“ Discord scowled and huffed, then bitterly said. “Oh, fine.“ He snapped his other claw.
The pickle jar and its contents transformed into a blue-haired human dressed in brown pants, a light long-sleeved blue shirt, and a lab coat. The man was staggering, and it looked as if there was vomit on his mouth and clothes. He smelled like hard cider, for some reason.
The man yelled, “Discord turned every-pickle into a human! I’m human Rick!“
Pinkie Pie burst out laughing, complimenting Discord. “That’s the funniest thing I ever saw! Well, not quite the funniest.“
’Rick’ yelled out, “Wubba Lubba dub-dub!“
Owlowiscious flew into the room, perched on the nearby shelf, then rapidly hooted at the man. “Hoo! H-Hoo Hoo!“ The Superb Owl was already dressed in the jersey and sporting equipment that Rarity had tailored for him, and I’d rented a helmet that fit the owl.
What the hay?
I yelled, “Discord! You know that isn’t what I meant. This isn’t the time for your jokes! We need those pickles for the party!“
He snapped his fingers, and the pickle jar transformed back into its original form and place on the table. He grinned, and said, “Did you know that in bird person language, Wubba Lubba dub-dub means…“
“Hey guys, what’s up?“ Spike asked, rubbing his eyes, and walking down the stairs.
Discord frowned and said, “Well, if you’re just going to interrupt me, then forget it! Just look it up.“ Then, he snapped his claw and vanished.
I looked at Spike and answered, “We’re trying to open this pickle jar for the big event.“ I stamped my hooves on the ground, then yelled, “But the lid’s stuck!“
Spike frowned, and argued, “Two hundred pickles isn’t nearly enough pickles, Twilight! Don’t you remember what happened last year?“
Pinkie Pie stared at the jar of pickles, and she was smiling and drooling.
Oh, no. How could I forget. I put my hoof to my forehead. “I forgot.“ I can’t let Pinkie Pie eat all the pickles again. But that’s easy to fix. I brightened up and enthusiastically narrated, “Spike, take a post-it note. A dozen pickles per pony limit.“
Pinkie Pie sunk her head and frowned, then muttered, “Aww…“
Spike pulled out a promotional Quills and Sofas post-it note and a quill from a nearby desk, dipped the quill in ink, then scribbled and repeated the instructions out loud, “A dozen pickles per pony limit!“
Applejack asked, “Why do y’all need these fancy pickles? Can’t you just buy some other pickles from the market?“
“What will Princess Celestia think if I give her a cheap pickle from some store she never heard of? We can’t run out of pickles two years in a row. Post Pinkie Pie Pickle-parrying Princess Celestia, it’s proper to present her with the plumpest, most palatable pickles there are!“
I take a deep breath.
Pinkie Pie grinned, repeatedly coughed, looked down, and held a hoof to her mouth.
Applejack looked at me, frowned, and stated, “Y’all are overreacting again, Twilight.“
No I’m not!
“Anyways,“ Spike confidently flexed, held his claws outstretched and said, “I got this.“
I doubt it. I narrowed my eyes, and said, “It’s much harder to open than it looks. Nopony could open it.“
“Then it’s a good thing that I’m a dragon!“ Spike picked it up, held the lid against his chest with his left claw, and tightly gripped the outer rim of the lid with his right claw, then strained to turn it.
Applejack pointed out, “See, we told you we couldn’t open it. Let me try again.“
“Nah.“ Spike used his claws to swiftly tear through the top of the thin metal lid, then set the jar down on the table, and tossed the torn out metal disc into a recycling bin.
I looked at him in surprise. Well, I guess that works. Why didn’t I think of that!
Spike argued, “What? Why are you so angry? If we’re going to run out of pickles, then we don’t need the lid anymore.“ He frowned, and muttered, “We have dozens of empty pickle jars that we never use, for Celestia’s sake.“
I levitate two hundred pickles onto trays with my magic, and prepare to take the appetizers outside.
This party is going to be perfect!