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// Chapter 12 
// Story: A Heart of Crystal and Glass 
// by Mani-Roar 
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Pell was nowhere to be found in the Castle. All non essential personnel were sent into underground shelters while we were out fighting the Changelings. She was pretty essential as far as I was concerned. Even if it made sense that my hair and makeup were not of the utmost importance. Especially if I wasn’t around at the time. 

Crying and fighting left me looking like a train wreck. Enough to make the castle sentries concerned when I arrived back alone. When stallion sentries who are paid to be stoic notice that you look like hell, you know you look like hell. Changeling checkpoints were at every entryway of the castle, and every staircase to each level. I went through at least three Changeling spell checks before I finally got some privacy. Too much privacy with the absence of Pell. My vanity and lounge rooms were empty without her. It wasn’t very likely that the Changelings would attack us soon after that fight, but it was still a possibility. The infiltration and capture of Captain Flash had shook everyone to their core. Anyone could be compromised at any time. The usual friendly smiles and warm demeanor of the castle were replaced by tepid grimaces and a dark cloud of dread.

Speaking of clouds, I did have one tiny stroke of luck. Another pegasi rain shower was scheduled tonight. Maybe the rain would help drown out my chaotic thoughts. Part of me wanted to jump into the spa bath, and melt away in my own little pool of comfort. Unfortunately, all the ponies who knew how to set up the bath just right were underground with Pell. I’d probably throw in too much of one aromatic and make it smell weird. Although anything would be better than the rocky cave floor. As soon as I heard the gentle falling droplets, I decided to step out into the rain. 

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the sound of the rainfall, and the rhythmic pitter patter of the rain on my hide. Instead of comfort, every drop hit like an accusation on my back.

Liar. Fraud. Failure. Incompetent. Liability. Stubborn. Dangerous. Arrogant. Fool.

The rain told me, until it fell so fast it just flowed into a river of guilt down my body. Far from washing my sins away, I bathed in them. It was punishment. It was solitude. It was what I deserved.  

“I thought I might find you out here.”

My head snapped left to see Shining Armor standing next to me. How long had he been standing there? His mane and fur were already as soaked as I was. I had so many things to say to him, yet I didn’t want to talk to him right now. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone. Every face I looked at exposed me, and his was the worst. I was naked in front of him. I tried to surface my anger. Blame him for how I felt, for what he said to me. How dare he make me feel weak and incompetent after saving his ass? Every word I tried to say got swallowed by the lump in my throat and died. I just stood there looking at his cute face, and dumb little grin on his masculine muzzle. Because, dammit, I had grown quite fond of his idiosyncrasies. 

“Hey.” Not exactly a soliloquy from me. A soggy tuft of his blue hair had drawn over his eye. I took it in my hoof and dragged it behind his ear. 

“Thank you.” He said, biting his bottom lip.

“For your hair?” I finally grinned for the first time in days.

“No.” He chuckled, “For saving me.”

“I thought it was the wrong call.”

“It was.” He nodded, and I raised an eyebrow. “But you were worried about me. And if I was in your position, and I thought I might never see you again…” He paused, not wanting to add to the rain. “I get it. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same.”

“I’ll ask Flash if he can think of any examples.”

“Is this what he feels like all the time?” He stood right next to my side and put his arm around me.

“Probably.” I held him back as we stared out into the rainy capital together. One by one, the lights in pony’s houses would go out for the night, dimming the evening glow like a collective beast closing its eyes. 

“Did you mean what you said to Flash?” He stayed silent, looking out at his city. “About him and Twilight.”

He nodded softly, taking in a long breath. 

“I thought you said he was one of those military stallions who used mares like tissues, and threw them out.” He looked at me as a red hue stained his wet white cheek.

“I knew better than that.” He admitted, tilting his head at the balcony floor. “I was afraid his hesitation would eventually break Twilight, basically doing the same thing those other jerks do.”

“So, you lied to me?” His head snapped back to look at me. “What else have you been lying to me about?” I widened my eyes, glaring down at him. Watching his face panic as his pupils shrank. Doing my best to hold in my snickering.

“I-I well… you see it’s not the same I-” 

I gripped the back of his head with my free hoof, making him face me. “I’m messing with you, you insecure goofball.” I kissed him on the forehead, just to the left of his horn. He leaned into me and we stood head to head for a few moments.

“Are you upset with me?” he asked.

“I was.”

“Not anymore?”

“Depends on what you say next.”

“Then I’ll tell you that I thought your entrance was really cool.” He said, rubbing his hoof up and down my back. If I were a cat, I would have purred. “Like a superhero.”

“I was so tired and exhausted, I had no idea what I was doing.” I rubbed his shoulder back. 

“Well you fooled me, and the Changelings.”

“That was the idea.” I sighed out loud, still recovering from the last two days. “How do you fight like that? How do you not get too tired, or freeze at the fear of death? I don’t think I could do it.”

“But you did.” He nodded, hugging me a little tighter. “You faced death and didn’t freeze or falter. Even though it was your first…”

“My first what?” I said, watching him physically shiver. 

“Well it’s not really your first time-”

“Yes it is.”

“I don’t like to think of it that way.”

“Too bad. That’s reality now.” I regretted my harsh tone. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. I understood why Pell was so insistent, so urgent that I made him face the truth.

“What?” He paused his petting to turn and look at me face to face. 

“Shining…” There was no way to put it lightly. Either I break him now, or I live in his fantasy. A fantasy that would eventually destroy us both. “I’m not her. I’m not Cadance.”

“Of course you are. You’re right here. You’re real, I can see you.”

“It’s just an image of her. A fake.” I gestured to my body with my hoof. “I woke up a few weeks ago, for the first time. This is who I am. I look like her, but I’m someone else.”

“It’s just temporary. We’re gonna find a way to get your-”

“Who’s gonna find a way?” I yelled too loud, and he flinched. He broke his embrace as we turned to face each other. 

“Twilight is-”

“What is Twilight’s latest update on that? How’s the progress going? What lead does she have?” I wouldn’t let him finish a sentence. I doubt I would have let him cut me off this many times. 

“Well, nothing. It’s the same problem as before. The memories are trapped in your essence, and recovery methods could be lethal…” He paused himself this time as if it pained him to think of the consequences of doing drastic magic.

“Holding on to hope is one thing. But for now, and possibly forever, you have to let go of her.”

“What am I supposed to let go of? You’re right here for Celestia’s sake!” He screamed, pointing at me.

“You don’t love me, you love Cadance!” I closed my eyes and shouted. He didn’t say anything else and I was afraid to open them. 

“You’re not Cadance?” He questioned out loud for the first time. I opened my eyes, and saw him looking at someone different. His gaze was curious, and lost. 

“I haven’t been Cadance. Not since I woke up from my week long coma.”

“No, no, no, no, no…” He repeated, covering his ears with his hooves, and shaking his head. 

“I’m not her. She’s gone, and I took her place. I’m so sorry Shining, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to exist like this. I just…” He was crying now. I knew every word I said was tearing him apart, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. “I want to love you, Shining. But I’m afraid you’ll never love me. You’ll only love her, and I can’t be her. I can’t pretend. I tried but-”

“Then who are you?” He pointed at me again. His tears were pouring down his cheek, separated from the rain. 

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “But I’m desperate, Shining. I’m desperate to figure that out so I can finally start living again. Because I feel like I’m still waking up. Like weeks haven’t gone by. My head is clouded and I want out. I need out. I want to be awake again. Please. Will you help me figure it out?” I reached out my hoof to him. He hesitated, looking fearful at my face, then my hoof. 

“Will you help me?” I asked again.

“You’re…” He took a step forward.

“You’re…” His hoof was right next to mine when his eyes darkened. He made the same face he made in combat, when he swung his lance at his enemies. I wanted to step back, to run away, but I held my ground. If he attacked me now as the fraud I was, so be it. I had nothing save for him and this empire. This castle and stolen crown. If I couldn’t have it, let him end it now in her name.

“You’re not Cadance!” 

I flinched as his body was upon mine. There was no blow, there was no fight. His head rested in my chest, and his arms wrapped around my back.

“You’re not Cadance.” He repeated, wet hot tears streamed into my chest.

“I know, I know.” I rubbed his soaked hair with my hoof. The rain felt like it was falling harder, even if it wasn’t. 

“It’s not fair.” His voice was high and strained. Very undignified and unbecoming of a Prince. “You were right there in Chrysalis’s cave. We saved you. We saved you!” He screamed so loud, someone may have heard it in the city square. Fortunately, the night was quiet and empty.

“And now you’re telling me we didn’t save you?” He sniffed and sobbed. His body convulsed as he spoke. “We won. We brought you home, but you never woke up. This other y-you woke up instead.” He looked up at me with pain and realization in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” A woefully insufficient sentiment from me.

“She’s really gone?” He gritted his teeth, trying to stop the tears. 

“I’m sorry.” I could only apologize to him now that the truth was out. And yet my apologies felt trivial to his pain.

“She’s gone…” He failed to stop the tears. “Cadance…” I could feel his body shaking all over.

“Cadance!”

He shouted, holding her last syllable as long as he could. Until his breath failed him, and he had to gasp for more air.

“I’m sorry.” I said again. He remained quiet in my arms, as I rubbed his back. Letting the Prince grieve in my bosom. I don’t know how long we stayed out on the balcony. And I don’t remember going back inside to bed that night. We grieved the death of his Cadence together.




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