“Helping the bride and groom during rehearsals” was self-explanatory. While Rarity walked Cadance through the walk down the aisle, Rainbow Dash had the honor of going over the vows, the wedding speeches, and all the other talking points.
Pretty lame on paper, but at the very least, they got to have a bachelor party that afternoon. In Rainbow’s opinion, one hour in the middle of the day was not the way to say goodbye to the unmarried life, but Shining had big Captain duties, so whatever. It’d probably be better if he didn’t have too much cider.
Just a little cider would probably be fine.
Probably.
“WOOO! BRING OUT THE CHICKS!”
With the sound of a big party horn, a box full of chickens was released within the Bitter Apple Bar, the finest farm-themed cider bar this side of Canterlot. Of course, it was nothing compared to a Ponyville hoedown, but the cider was cheap and the bar was open all day. The best part, of course, being the chickens.
All the colts, baby dragons, and rainbow-maned mares lost their minds as the birds started doing a cool chicken dance.
“WOOOOO!”
Spike even had a chicken dancing on his lap. How awesome was that?!
“Rainbow Smash… I’ve only known you for maybe four hours of my life…” Shining Armor hiccuped, held up by two members of the Royal Guard, who were mildly tipsy, “…but you’re my main mare. You hear me? My maaain maaare! Drinks on me!”
“Haha yeah, you heard the guy! Here’s to happily ever after! And my name's Rainbow Dash.”
"Oh, sorry. Cheers!"
Cider mugs clapped together above their heads as froth sloshed out of them. Truly, the ambrosia of the gods.
A bit more quietly, Shining sidled up to Rainbow Dash, grinning like a loon. Who knew Twilight’s brother was a complete lightweight? Man, this was good blackmail material.
“How do ya do it, RD?”
“Huh?”
“Y’know, have a happy marriage. We’re not even married, and Cadance is in total bridezilla mode. It’s like I don’t even know her anymore!”
Ah. Rainbow knew that feeling very well. Dedicating herself to Ponyville’s biggest prima donna provided her with ample experience.
“Yeah, well, sometimes mares get pretty high maintenance, especially if it’s something super important to them. You just gotta remember to be there for her. But don’t be a doormat! You gotta make sure you’re both on the same cloud.”
“I mean, I try, but every time we argue, she gets this villain glare, and says something like “you dare question me?!”. Then, I get this killer headache, and my brain screams out something about an impostor or whatever,” Shining Armor sighs, looking down his drink, “Thankfully Cady has that migraine spell. I can never remember what we were arguing about after she uses it, though.”
He shrugged, gulping down more of his cider. “Must be a side effect. Like the ones on commercials.”
Rainbow Dash paused mid-drink. Memories of a temporarily-insane purple horse casting a Want-It, Need-It Spell instantly came to mind: as well as memories of being totally obsessed with a raggedy Mr. Smartypants doll. Sipping slowly, she licked the froth mustache off her lips and hummed thoughtfully.
“Y’know, my wife has something similar,” Dash lied slowly, thanking the heavens above that she didn’t have the Element of Honesty, “tell me about how Cadance does that, again?”
“Providing experienced insights on the wedding venue and attire” was less self-explanatory than the previous assignment for Mrs. and Mrs. Dash. Rarity, however, made the most of it, and focused on the last word in that phrase. With that in mind, she was able to find some time in Cadance’s schedule to help with any last-minute changes she wanted to make in terms of dress.
The first thing she learned? Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was the absolute worst type of mare to take a commission for.
More beading and a longer train, pah! In a perfect world, she should be a bit more generous with her client, but it seemed that the bride didn’t realize how long her request would take.
Making a longer train would require making the train from scratch: you couldn’t just sew more onto the end like patchwork! And undoing all the beading?! She’d need more than the scant moment she was able to carve into the pre-wedding schedule!
“Oh. Yes. Of course.” Rarity agreed curtly, holding her tongue. She was still a lady, after all. One under work-related duress, but still a lady! She just needed to keep a stiff upper lip.
“And those should be a different color.”
And now she was making dresses from scratch?!
“I think they’re lovely.”
Rarity refrained from snapping the quill in her magical grip, partly thanks to the compliment given by Twinkleshine. A lovely girl, really: although Rarity wasn’t certain of why she was Cadance’s bridesmaid. Perhaps a close personal friend, rather than a royal?
“Me too!”
“I love them.”
Rarity’s notetaking paused as she realized who the other bridesmaids were. The blue mare, Minuette, was apparently a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns: Maybe Cadance had met her there and they’d gotten along.
The attendance of Lyra Heartstrings, however, drove up Rarity’s hunger for gossip.
“Make them a different color.” Cadance demanded, stalking away.
“Gee, maybe her name should be "Princess Demandy-pants."”
Raising an eyebrow at Twilight’s vague attempt to be clever, Rarity humphed and put her notepad down. Walking past Twilight, Rarity had her focus right on the mint-colored unicorn in her sights. Her je-ne-sais-quoi made Lyra freeze in place, locking eyes with her.
“One moment, Twilight, dear. I’d like some…” interrogation time, Rarity’s mind supplied, “…alone time with some of the bridesmaids to get their own input on these dresses. I’ll be back posthaste.”
Lyra gulped.
“Bet I can guess what you’re all thinking.” Twilight begun, before her smile became downright nasty. “Cadance is the absolute worst bride-to-be ever.”
The entire table looked at her with concern. Surprisingly, only half the table looked at her like she was crazy for saying it: that being Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike. Pinkie Pie was just Pinkie Pie, while Rainbow Dash and Rarity seemed to actually be interested in what she had to say.
See? See?! She wasn’t completely crazy in thinking Shining’s bride was an evil monster sent to doom them all! Haha! Ahahaha!
What followed, though, wasn’t quite what Twilight expected.
“Five bits she’s brainwashing Shining Armor,” Rainbow Dash huffed, nursing an ice-cold water, cringing like she had a mean headache.
“No bet,” Rarity clicked her teeth, before countering, “Two bits she’s brainwashing Shining Armor and half the staff."
“Half the staff? No way she got that many. Deal!”
The two shook hooves on it, while the rest of them looked in befuddled awe.
“Don’t tell me y’all are believin’ Twilight’s nonsense too!” Applejack said, pointing a hoof at the Dashes.
“Nonsense?” Twilight found her voice again, raising an eyebrow in defiance. “Cadance is totally different from how I remember her, and moreover, absolutely not a mare that deserves Shiny! I mean, have you seen how she’s been treating everypony?”
“Oh, puh-lease! I’ve dealt with way worse bridezillas than Princess Pizza Pie That’s Amore!” Pinkie blabbered, rolling her eyes, “Rarity included! No offense.”
“None. Taken.” Rarity glared, affronted.
“Ponies get wedding nerves all the time. It’s totally part of the party process. Trust the process!”
“Except she hasn’t even been talking to Shining at all, except when they argue. And apparently, she gives him enough of a migraine that he needs a memory loss spell!” Rainbow Dash threw her hooves up. “Even if my brainwashing theory’s a load of ponyfeathers, that’s an awful way to start a marriage.”
“And I suppose you’re the romance guru now, Mrs. Dash?” Applejack harrumphed, sticking her nose up.
“She knows more than you, you eternal bachelorette,” The fashionista challenged the earth pony, scowling.
And then it devolved into name-calling and pointing hooves at each other. Well, for them, at least. Twilight did her best to construct a well-delivered and concise argument as to why Cadance was the absolute last mare in Equestria who deserved her brother, Granny Smith and Pinkie’s mom included, which may or may not have added to the cacophony of name-calling and pointing hooves.
“Um… excuse me… Girls…? I… Nope.”
Fluttershy inhaled sharply.
“QUIET!”
The booming, echoing command silenced them all. Spike stopped playing with his Cadance figure. Fluttershy stood up from the table, her infamous glare cowing the five other mares into place.
“Girls! I’m very upset with what’s been said about Cadance behind her back. She’s the bride, for Celestia’s sake. It’s entirely possible that you’ve just got the wrong idea. Especially because you three often jump to conclusions… S-Sorry, but you do.”
Before Applejack and Pinkie Pie could feel better about themselves, Fluttershy focused her stare on them.
“And you! Even if they’re talking about personality shifts or brainwashing – Which, I’m sorry, but I still don’t believe that – That doesn’t mean something’s not wrong.”
A stiff silence fell over the group. Twilight sighed, slumping her chin down onto the table.
“Fluttershy’s right. Let’s talk about it in the morning, okay? I still don’t think this marriage should happen, but arguing like this won’t solve anything. I’m gonna go take a walk.”
“The stars are quite beautiful this time of night. I believe I shall join you.” Rarity stood up, jutting her nose up. She was still angry, Twilight could tell, but willing to let go of it for now.
“Well, if you’re going, I’m going.” Rainbow Dash grunted.
With that, the group parted ways, with the other three and Spike heading back to their rooms in the castle.
As their trio silently wandered Canterlot’s streets, Twilight felt her argumentative passion simmer down into a disappointing pile of ash in the bottom of her heart. She still couldn’t let go of the idea that this whole marriage was wrong. She didn’t know anything about the brainwashing stuff that the Dashes were talking about, but it’d make a whole lot more sense than Shining Armor falling for somepony like that.
However, when they rounded a corner, Twilight suddenly couldn’t move. Her limbs were all locked into place, and her vision was caught in a sickly green magic. Shifting her eyes, it seemed that Rainbow Dash and Rarity were caught, as well.
Panicked, she looked for the source of the magic: a hooded mare, walking out of an alley. One with a familiar pink coat and a flowing, multi-colored mane.
But it wasn't Cadance; couldn't be Cadance. Cadance's magic was magenta, and felt like love and hugs and holding hooves. And Cadance has been acting out of character all day, and didn't remember their dance... or, didn't know it. She was a fake?
“You know, I had planned to do this once I’d charmed Shining Armor into complete submission and manipulated your insipid friends against you. I suppose the Elements of Loyalty and Generosity would be willing to hear out a crazed little creature like you, though. Thankfully, my schedule is rather flexible.”
Burning emerald eyes seared into Twilight’s vision, with pupils like slits, confirming her theory. An unhearable voice called out to Twilight. Sleep, it beckoned. Close your eyes, it tempted.
“Goodnight, little ponies. A shame you’ll be oversleeping, on such a perfect day.”
Despite her willpower, Twilight Sparkle couldn’t hold onto the waking world. Darkness filled her vision.