Celestia closes her eyes and sighs as she sets down the morning paper. Sitting across from her, Anon takes a sip of his coffee before clearing his throat.
“Something wrong?”
“Not really,” she groans. “Just some ponies being annoying again.”
“In… in the paper?”
“Yup. It’s time for the ‘Annual Best Princess Competition!’ Bleh.” She sticks out her tongue and points at it with a hoof to over exaggerate her disdain. “I wish they’d just abolish the whole darn thing, or at least take my name off of it.”
“‘Best Princess?’ This is the first I’ve heard of it.”
“...S-Sunshine, do you live under a rock? Has our house been a rock this whole time?” Anon looks back at her with half-lidded eyes, causing her to giggle. “I’m kidding, love.”
“Still, I don’t know what it is.”
“Well, every year, the Princess Fan Club Organization gets together to hold a big competition. They basically campaign on behalf of myself, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and even little Flurry Heart. Everypony casts votes on who their favorite princess is, and the winner gets… bragging rights, I guess?”
“Huh. So it’s a popularity poll?”
“HAH! Were it so simple. Those fan clubs are ravenous, Sunshine! And frankly, most of the ponies in them are… oh, what is the word…”
“...Simps?”
“YES! Exactly! They’re obsessed with us to a creepy degree. I mean, I’ve sort of gotten used to that over the course of hundreds of years, but it never gets any less weird having somepony confess their love to you when they don’t know anything about you.”
Anon chuckles.
“Guess I’m the biggest Tia simp in the world, then.”
“No, Sunshine. I actually love you. And you actually took the time to get to know me.” She snorts before bursting into laughter, needing a moment to compose herself before continuing. “R-remember what you told me when I first informed you that I’m a princess?”
“If I remember correctly, I told you you can–”
“Shove that crown up your ass!” they laugh in unison.
“Haha! It’s not often that someone has the audacity to insult me to my face.”
“What can I say? I hate authority figures.”
“Strange choice of a wife, then.”
“Consider that a compliment, Sunbutt.”
“Hmhm. You know, some of the superfans in the Celestia Fan Club call me the same thing. I’m not sure they’ve earned the right.”
“Didn’t realize I had to earn that.”
“Well, considering that I’m more than capable of getting back at you for your teasing, it’s more of a transactional thing. It’d be… problematic if I ‘got even’ with my fans.”
“Heh.” Anon chuckles as he stands from his seat and walks around the table to put his now-empty mug in the sink. Along the way, he winds up his free hand before giving Celestia’s large flank a hearty smack, causing it to jiggle in her seat as her back straightens out. If it weren’t for her fur, there would be a hand print right on her cutie mark. “Guess I should appreciate being your biggest fan, then.”
Celestia, with wide eyes and slightly reddish cheeks, stutters for a moment before clearing her throat.
“Please do not call yourself that. I’d rather not associate you with them.”
“Man, they really get under your skin, don’t they? It’s not often you speak so poorly about a group of ponies.”
“They’re just gross, okay? I’m glad they think so highly of me, but I’d really like for them to leave me alone. And that goes double now that I’m married!”
“Have you asked them to stop?”
Celestia sighs again.
“Of course I have. Unfortunately, they just thought I was being humble about my popularity or something. If anything, I think I accidentally endeared myself to them even more.”
“I can help with that.”
“I… huh?”
“Don’t worry, Tia. I’ve had more than a few run-ins with people like that in my old world. I know exactly how to get them to stop drooling over you.”
“And how is that?”
“Just trust me,” he says with a smirk. “And follow my lead.”
And don’t catch on to the fact that I used to be like that, too. Ugh… I was so cringe.
Celestia blinks. She’s not sure what she expected, but this isn’t it.
She and Anon stand before a large room in the Canterlot Library. The Celestia Fan Club is based here, and it took all of a week for Anon to organize an official visit from Celestia herself. The crowd seated before them looks on with wonder. Their eyes sparkle, their pits stink, and their spaghetti is all over the floor.
“Everypony, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Anon, and she…” He pauses as he gestures towards Celestia. “Doesn’t need any introduction, does she?”
The crowd erupts into a roar of cheers much too loud for a library. Celestia forces a smile as she casts a side-eye towards Anon, who wears a cocky grin. Little is known about him to the greater public. It’s widely known that Celestia is married and that her husband is “strange,” but they live such quiet lives that few know much more than that.
And he plans to use that to his advantage.
“Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering what the point of this visit was.”
“She’s here to show her appreciation for our support, right?” A particularly vocal stallion sitting in the front row excitedly speaks up. “Don’t worry, you’re still Princess Celestia to us! And we’re gonna make certain you win this contest!”
There’s another roar of cheers. Anon’s smile doesn’t fade.
“Actually, she’s here to make an announcement.”
“I-I am?!”
“You sure are.”
“Wh-what am I–”
“Don’t worry. You don’t have to say a word to tell them everything they need to know. Actions speak louder than words, after all.”
“I… Sunshine, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s fine,” he chuckles. Turning back to the crowd, Anon speaks up one final time. “Fanboys, fangirls, and everysimp in-between, watch and learn. There’s only one thing you need to take away from this visit.”
“What’s that?” the vocal stallion asks.
“That I’ve already won.”
“H-huh?”
In a swift movement, Anon lunges to the side, grabbing Celestia with both arms. Placing one hand on her neck and the other on the back of her head, he pulls her into a deep kiss right in front of the crowd. Her eyes go wide and her face becomes completely flushed. This is far from the first time they’ve kissed, but they tend to be as low-key as possible when in public. A public display of affection like this is completely unprecedented!
…It kind of gives her butterflies.
The crowd falls completely silent as the pair holds the kiss for a solid ten seconds. When they finally part, Celestia is left gasping for air as Anon practically drags her out of the room.
“Later, losers!”
Moving quickly, he is able to close the door just as a cacophony of boos rings throughout the library.
“‘Breaking news. Celestia dropped from Annual Best Princess Competition after Celestia Fan Club dissolves.’ Wow.”
“I told ya it would work.”
“...I-I’m still not entirely sure what happened.”
“Do you actually know what a simp is?”
“...A-apparently not?”
“Once they realized they had no chance with you, they turned on you. That’s just how it goes with those types.”
“And my entire fan club was made up of those types of ponies?! I really meant so little to them?!”
“Seems like it.” Anon looks up from his coffee with a cocky smile, only to see his wife with a pathetic look on her face. “...Sh-should I not have done that?”
“...” The room is silent for a moment as Celestia sniffles a single time. Then, almost too quickly, an ominous smile spreads across her face. “I’ll admit, Sunshine… I didn’t think you could be so bold.”
Anon blinks. Something about her tone makes a chill run down his spine.
“...Hehe, well. I’m full of surprises.”
“You’d better be,” she purrs. “Because now I’ve got a few ideas.”
“...Sh-should I be scared?”
“Guess you’ll find out, won’t you?”
Anon has no response apart from a single, nervous gulp.