//------------------------------//
// Windigo Worries 
// Story: The Immortal Dream 
// by Czar_Yoshi 
//------------------------------//

"So," I said, standing on the bridge with Puddles and looking out into the evening, in the direction Lissa and Flarefeather had disappeared. "I can sort of guess what you want to talk about."

"You told me about the windigoes in Ironridge before," Puddles said. "How they were trying to start a war with Yakyakistan, and got sealed away somehow by your friend. Now you say the purpose of that war was to free all the rest of the windigoes under Yakyakistan, and that it'll probably still happen even without these ones."

I nodded slowly. "And you said you've got some bad personal history with windigoes. That you were possessed by one for six years." I turned to her and steadied myself. "What are you thinking? I get just being curious, but with how you reacted to all that, whatever's on your mind sounds more important than that. But you've also told me several times that you're not interested in leaving your duties in the Empire and going west."

Puddles looked intensely conflicted. "This information isn't something the general public knows about, right? You're privy to some important secrets you must have learned somewhere."

I nodded again.

"And you also recognized me," Puddles said, averting her gaze. "When I lost my helmet in Gyre. Said I looked and acted like someone you knew. Do those two things... Are they related? How you know about all this, and that you recognized my appearance without knowing anything about who I am?"

So she did want to talk about Kitty. I was right.

I nodded one more time. "I got the impression you knew something, but didn't want to talk about it. And this arrangement of ours is great enough that I didn't really want to impose. But, yeah. They're very related."

Puddles motioned for me to explain, so I took a breath and prepared to give it my best shot.

"Her name's Kitty," I explained. "That's a nickname for something bigger, Catherine something. She looks exactly like you, except a little younger than I am, and she has windigo eyes and a snowflake special talent. And she's a windigo. I don't remember everything she told me, but lots of what I know about windigoes comes from her. She's the driving force behind the windigoes, the one who coordinates all the others. She's always talking about trying to evolve beyond the constraints of windigo bodies, and wants to kill her creator god. And she has a bunch of mechanical bodies called Whitewings that she can remote control."

Puddles looked utterly dejected. "So she is still out there. I knew it."

"You know about her," I said, prompting her to continue.

"She was my captor," Puddles explained. "And, eventually, my daughter."

My eyes went wide. "What?"

Puddles composed herself, though her eyes were far away. "This is a long story. I hadn't really ever planned on telling it, though if she's still out there, I don't think I have a choice. Especially not to someone who knows her. But, after I recovered from my possession, my parents took me immediately to a hospital for an examination. My body was in rough shape, and one of the things they learned was that I was pregnant."

My mind reeled. I tried to imagine losing control of my body for a spell, not remembering anything that happened during it - easy, when that was a regular occurrence due to my relationship with Faye - and waking up to discover I was pregnant. I didn't even know how I would handle that if I did remember how it happened...

"Over the month or so before I recovered, the windigo in my body escaped captivity," Puddles explained, noting my discomfort with a sympathetic look. "She went on... Let's call it an adventure. So, the doctors assumed she must have gotten frisky, and left me to live with the consequences."

"That's messed up," was all I could say.

"My family kept it as much of a secret as possible, but I still got a lot of sympathy for it," Puddles agreed. "And most observers didn't even know the extent of it: I already had the body of a young adult, but my consciousness hadn't existed for six years, so mentally I was much younger than I looked. Still am, by the way! I never got those six years back. At the same time, my family was extremely supportive, and I had always had a resilient and happy outlook on life. So even though it was a challenge, I didn't think it was as bad as everyone around me considered it to be. Other stuff that happened around then, like losing my father... That was the actual bad stuff."

"Wallace Whitewing?" I asked, hoping I was remembering correctly.

Puddles nodded. "He died protecting the Empire when it was attacked, fighting at ground zero. The stories everyone tells say that without him, all life could have completely ended in the east. But as a kid, I cared less about that than that he was gone." She shook her head. "But that's a different story. The important part is that no one, not even me, realized what my daughter was until the day I gave birth."

I listened, frozen.

"It's burned into my eyes," Puddles said, closing her eyes in emphasis. "She looked identical to me, except that her eyes had no pupils, and she had a brand of a snowflake, both just like mine when I was possessed. But she had such a joyous smile... And then, while I was sleeping after the birth, she disappeared without a trace."

"She ran away?" I asked, incredulous. "Can a newborn do that, even as a windigo?"

Puddles shook her head. "I don't know. I... suspected my mother got rid of her."

"That... wasn't what you wanted?" I guessed, instantly regretting the way I had worded it. But how could you word a question like this?

"It's so complicated," Puddles apologized. "I should tell you how we felt about my possession after it was over. Apparently, while it was in my body, that windigo did and said some truly horrible things to my parents. Wallace never spoke about how it affected him. He was too strong and humble for that, and whenever I asked, he would just talk about how heroic the ponies were who saved me instead. Morena - that's my mother - was much more outspoken about her hatred for the windigo. But I could never bring myself to feel the same."

"You couldn't?" I gently pressed.

Puddles nodded. "Over the course of my possession, my parents tried everything to free me. For most of that time, my body was in the care of an Izvalden scientist called Chauncey. He was the chief advisor to the province's ruler, and made great promises to my parents about the kinds of resources he had at his disposal. Unfortunately, rather than working to cure me, he experimented on my body in secret. I'll spare you the grisly details, but I believe he wanted to use the windigo's presence as a catalyst for unlocking some dark sorcery. If it wasn't for the windigo's presence and restorative powers, my body certainly couldn't have survived his treatments."

She sighed, keeping a brave face even though I could tell reliving this wasn't pleasant. "All this rang hollow on my mother's ears, since without the windigo, I wouldn't have been entrusted to Chauncey in the first place. But that's just not how I feel it. She did endure all that, and kept my body safe along the way. Things got even more extreme in the last month, after the windigo escaped... which I really can't blame her for wanting to do. Outside of my parent's knowledge, Chauncey relocated me to the prison underneath Gyre after I was recaptured, and pretended it was another escape in order to keep my position secret. That windigo protected me down there, too, like it or not. And... I just can't forget her smile."

I didn't know what to say.

"Perhaps I'm a sentimental fool, ripe for taking advantage of," Puddles admitted. "Perhaps no one sane would see it the same way. Perhaps my mother was right. But, my greatest regret in life has always been that I didn't know what happened to her. And there's no doubt in my mind that this Kitty of yours is one and the same."

"I..." I tried to say, but found no words. "Do you know how she did it?"

"I've learned some of her tricks over the years," Puddles said. "There's a phenomenon in which blank ponies can use moon glass to obtain something that looks like a brand. Or a special talent, as you call them. But it's documented that these brands often cause personality changes, and also that they disappear over time during a pregnancy, and manifest in the foal instead. A lot of this documentation actually came from Chauncey, who was researching this very phenomenon... and it's even possible that my windigo manipulated him into that research to use for its own ends."

I folded my ears.

"In my own case, there was an event during the windigo's initial escape that involved another windigo heart," Puddles went on. "Artifacts that have been used in a few obscure rituals to detach brands from their owners, I've since learned. At some point after that time, the windigo's brand on my body began fading, and it seemed to take more effort for them to remain in control. Eventually, it faded entirely - a similar trajectory to that experienced by the pregnant moon glass mares in Chauncey's study, although mine did happen faster. The only explanation is that my windigo used my body to grow itself a flesh-and-blood pony body of its own, not stolen from anyone. And based on our similar appearances, I even suspect some kind of cloning was used in place of a father, though I haven't been able to figure that one out yet."

"Hold on, what do you mean 'not stolen'?" I pressed. "You don't think borrowing someone's womb without permission counts as...?"

Puddles looked conflicted. "I don't know. That's for only me to decide, but almost everyone I meet disagrees with the conclusion I reached. Maybe it's wrong of me to wish for her happiness. Perhaps I've even been manipulated into it, somehow. I wish I could speak with her myself to find out for sure, instead of only hearing of her through the stories of others. But from what I have heard, she seemed to want to be a pony. And as someone who is both fortunate and glad to be alive, how can I look down on such a goal?"

My feelings seemed to hollow out, zooming out until I was miles above the world, looking at Icereach and the Griffon Empire at the same time. I had never once begrudged Mother her lack of ability to do anything for me, beyond seeing me safely to a home where I could grow up. I had never known a father, nor even considered that I was missing one. And my birth mother... According to Papyrus and Starlight, the final straw that made her sack the Empire was seeing me for the first time, and discovering that I wasn't the kind of child she thought she was having.

I had yet to learn what Chrysalis thought of me now, two decades later. But weren't we the same, Kitty and I? Unexpected monster children, thought to be mundane right up until birth? Maybe it was an imperfect comparison, because Kitty had a history with the world before getting her body, while I was a brand new person. But I still wanted to make it, because of how much differently history might have gone if my mother had embraced me nevertheless, the way Puddles wanted to do.

"I think," I said, feeling a tear materialize at the corner of my eye, "that Kitty would be lucky to know you. It is your decision. And I bet you'd be a great mom, and would hope she'd appreciate it if she knew."

"It sounds like you don't hate her either," Puddles observed. "Even though you're the one bringing me news of what she's trying to do."

I hesitated, considering my answer. "Windigoes are people too," I eventually decided. "They might have some bad compulsions, some of which are built into their bodies and some of which, they just have never known any better. And some of them might be malicious even if given a clean slate and a choice. But what part of that isn't true for ponies? I don't want them freezing over the world, and they need to be stopped. But I wish there was a better option beyond stopping the war and ensuring they don't break free."

"I see," Puddles said, looking away.

"...So, what does this change?" I asked, hesitant.

Puddles shook her head. "I can't forsake my responsibility to the Empire over one pony, even if that pony is my daughter. I'll give it some thought, but for now, it changes nothing. If you do head west again, perhaps I can give you more information then that might help you, if you really intend to try to stop the windigoes. But for now, we should think of our trip to Izvaldi."

"Hey," I interrupted, shaking my head. "Before we move on to that, just real quick... Why did you tell me all that? It can't have been pleasant to remember."

"You already knew her," Puddles said with a shrug. "And you seem like a decent sort. I guess I just wanted someone to know the full story."

"But you were so careful back in Gyre, figuring out whether you could trust me," I pointed out. "We spent ages in that desert, staring each other down and asking questions, remember? And you were wise to be paranoid, I was literally in the company of Rhodallis just a day ago. You can go that quickly from trusting me enough to let me onto your ship to trusting me enough to hear this stuff about your past?"

Puddles sat down in the captain's chair, spinning it to face me. "It's not such a leap as all that. The consequences for letting a pirate onto my ship are way worse than letting the wrong person know about my daughter, don't you think? Besides, I prefer a world where people can trust each other."

Maybe she was right. What could I do with that information, if I was malicious?

Maybe a lot. But there was a pretty big gap between being malicious and being an intimate friend. What could I do with that information if it just didn't matter to my goals?

I thought about that... and I decided that maybe, this merited going out on a limb.

"Yeah, well... Me and Coda." I struggled to take a breath, my throat suddenly going dry. "W-We're both changeling queens. Same thing as Chrysalis. So, a secret for a secret. How's that for a big one?"

I could tell Puddles was intrigued, and yet she merely nodded in an offering of restraint.

"It's not really relevant to anything, I guess," I admitted. "Just, I'm not a very trusting pony. Hard to decide who I want to let in on the full story... and you seem like a decent sort."

Puddles caught my meaning and winked.

"If you wanna bombard me with questions, err..." I swallowed. "I guess the two most important ones are that neither of us are evil or trying to ransack a continent. And, this related to why I'm trying to go to Izvaldi. I... want to track down the remains of Chrysalis's throne."

"Stanza?" Puddles looked doubly intrigued. "Well, since you mentioned it, I might actually be able to help with that."

My ears rose. "Really?"

Puddles nodded. "As far as I've heard, it was last kept in the same lab where Chauncey experimented on my body when that lab was destroyed. However, I once found a way back into the ruins of that lab, when trying to learn more about my past there. It..." She hesitated, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly with a hoof. "Is this the right way to respond? I've never really had someone come to me with something like this before..."

I couldn't help it. The tension broke, and I laughed.

"As long as you're not trying to sell me to a conglomerate or experiment on me to make use of my powers, I'll take it," I giggled in relief. "I guess you really are a decent sort, after all."

"If you want to talk about it, I'll listen," Puddles offered. "I did just dump my own depressing story on you with little warning, after all. Though, you kind of look like you don't want anyone to press?"

I thought about that. If I didn't talk now, who knew how long my walls would last once I put them back up again? On the other hoof, there was nothing I cherished more than an offer to leave well enough alone.

Usually, I didn't have either of these options. Getting to choose between them was downright alien.

"You'd be okay with just dropping it for a while?" I asked, testing the waters. "Actually just having two legendary monsters on your boat and not asking questions?"

"If you're telling the truth, I've got quite a bit more than two," Puddles pointed out. "Thanks to Coda. And are you sure monster is the right word?"

I shook my head, feeling a familiar unease at her question - it reminded me of thinking about letting others see my hooves. "You lived through what Chrysalis did. You know what we're capable of."

Puddles nodded. "And I've lived long enough to see plenty of other monstrous things people have done without powers like that. You heard what I said about Chauncey. Did you know he created Chrysalis, too?"

I took a heavy step back. I was fairly sure I had known, but hadn't put two and two together during her story...

"Again, I don't know how many others would agree with my views, if any," Puddles pointed out. "In my experience, relatively few. But on this ship, at least, being a monster is about what you do, not what you are."

I really hadn't put that much thought into my use of the term before. Now that I thought about it, I wasn't even sure how negative I had intended it to be - there was a degree of rarefaction around it in my mind, a uniqueness, like it implied I was special as well as dangerous. But maybe I had just internalized the meaning too deeply to think about it.

This didn't feel like a revelation, or like it rocked the foundations of who I was. But nevertheless, it gave me something to think about, and I found myself deeply grateful for her sentiment.

"Thanks." I nodded. "Look, I don't really get how you're the one giving advice and support when you're the one who just told a big, messed-up story about your past. I barely even gave you one line. But as long as you are, do you mind if I get some advice on one more thing?"

Puddles shrugged. "Meh. Go for it. Such is the work of a hero, right? Wouldn't be much good at helping others if I let my own problems slow me down."

"Those two who were just here," I said. "Flarefeather and Lissa. Especially Flarefeather. I've only known them for a day or two, but her especially, I'd like to be friends with. But the thing is, ever since I left my home and started traveling, I've been leaving my friends behind, one after another after another. And not just the inevitable partings. I don't think I've even been putting as much weight on staying together as I should."

Puddles tilted her head. "And doing all this work to help Coda?"

I bit my lip. "Well, maybe she's an exception. But I actually left her behind for a while first. And I left literally everyone to come out here after her, and... Look, I know from experience that telling Lissa to stay put is sound advice. Better than the alternative. And you sounded like you agreed with me. But at the same time, I feel like I'm making a mistake I've made before, and that I should have learned from by now. And I don't know how to learn from it. They obviously want to travel, and it would be so simple to invite them along, but that's obviously not the right answer, so what is?"

Puddles solemnly considered this for a moment. "I don't know if I can help you," she eventually said. "I might just be the wrong person to ask about this. Especially in their case. I usually work alone for a reason, and a big part of why I'm making an exception for you is because you're tough enough to survive in the desert of Gyre."

I glanced down at my bracelet. "Don't tell anyone, but that's because as a changeling queen, I'm not exactly mortal."

"Seriously?" Again, Puddles looked intrigued. "Buckets, you can't just say stuff like that if you don't want me to ask about it. Ahem. Anyway, I'm a loner in the field for a reason, and it's because I've had teamwork go wrong too many times before to count." She hesitated. "Maybe that's an exaggeration. But one of the biggest times it happened involved those escort girls."

"Really?" I tilted my head. "You mean the escorts in general, and not specifically those two."

"Right." Puddles nodded. "This was over a decade ago. It's another long story, but I thought they would make perfect collaborators because their circumstances give them a card to play. For most of them, once you know what their story is, it's not hard to see how they can make a difference. But that endeavor ended when one of them betrayed us and several others died for it."

I felt myself deflate.

"I learned some hard lessons from that," Puddles explained. "And what I decided in the end was that I shouldn't be trying to change the Empire through the actions of an elite few. Rather than focusing my efforts on speaking to the people who had unusual powers that they weren't using, I broadened my focus and started looking to everyone instead - the people who don't even think they have power at all. I figured a societal movement would have less chance of being led astray by any one individual's actions."

She shook her head. "Lissa saw right through me. I think I just don't want the closer relationships that come with a smaller group. I've been burned too many times for that."

I frowned, and took a breath. "I think you're lying to yourself," I told her, straightening up. "All this stuff you told me, basically for free, no one would tell that to a stranger they just met a week ago if they really wanted to be alone. Maybe you've had some bad experiences losing people before, like your dad. But that doesn't mean you don't want friends."

"...Heh." Puddles grinned a little. "Well, whether you're right or not, that's my journey to figure out. Anyway, I don't think you need my advice. It's quite clear you already know what you want to do. You seem to think I've learned the wrong lesson from my experiences, after all."

What I wanted to do was invite Flarefeather to come along and see the world. I just knew that would end poorly, especially since we were going to Izvaldi, the place her own secret revolved around... I scowled and shook my head. "I don't know if you've learned the wrong lesson or not. I think it's dumb, trying to go it on your own. Speaking as someone who compulsively does that herself, it's terrible. But I also think your reasons for it are solid. I wish I could invite them to come, and I know they'd say yes, but even if it was my decision, I know it can't end well."

Puddles nodded sympathetically.

"It's stupid," I sighed. "This ship, you know... I don't know if you felt it too, or if it was something only I can feel because of what I am. But there was something right about having more people here, especially ones who were adventurous and happy. It was like the ship was more itself than usual. Like it was brighter, and more alive."

"This was my parents' ship," Puddles agreed. "They were an exploration team, and before I got possessed, they traveled the world with me - my mother, my father and my uncle. No blood relation there either, just like my father. All three of them were just friends. But the years since it became mine..." She shook her head. "I agree with you."

"It's not even a risk," I said. "I just can't see any scenario where inviting them along ends well. And I don't know if I'm being stubborn or selfish or what."

"Do you know why Wilderwind employs them?" Puddles asked. "What it is that makes them special?"

I hesitated. "I don't think Lissa has told me hers, but Flarefeather is special because she's an heir to the throne of Izvaldi. Off the books, but able to prove it. And apparently the royal family there would be threatened if they knew... and Izvaldi is right where we're going."

Puddles held a hoof to her chin in thought. "Depending on whether they know her face, it could be possible to keep it a secret. And although Lord Izvaldi is rather vain, I feel like I could persuade him to make an exception, or leave her alone as long as she didn't actually make a play for his throne."

"For real?" I took two steps closer. "Is this a wild hope, or do you actually have something on him?"

Puddles shook her head. "Izvaldi was the province where Chauncey was based, where I was held during my possession. In payment for the services my parents thought Izvaldi was rendering, they lent their names to the province, fought for Izvaldi in tournaments and otherwise did their best to burnish its public image. The current Lord Izvaldi knows little of what the dynamic was truly like, but he knows the public version very well, and he also knows who I am. For years now, he's been showering me with gifts, trying to persuade me to embrace my lineage and politically align myself with him. If Flarefeather is in my entourage, I think he'd overlook quite a bit in the name of appeasing me."

All that sat uncomfortably in my skeptical mind. "Are you sure he wouldn't take it as a sign that you were fighting for the Izvaldi flag all along, just on the side of a challenger to the throne?"

Puddles considered this. "It's possible. But although I've rebuffed his most overt requests, I've never formally snubbed him, and still contributed much to Izvaldi as a whole. I don't think he's looking for a reason to distrust me."

I sat back and thought about that. Was it possible that inviting my new friends wouldn't end as badly as I thought?

"Furthermore, my relationship with Wilderwind is slightly special," Puddles added. "Izvaldi relies on Wilderwind for defense against the Consulate and their saber rattling, but doesn't trust them not to simply try taking Izvaldi for themselves. Meanwhile, I'm friends with the Wilderwind top brass, but not formally in their employ. For Lord Izvaldi, aligning with me provides a degree of separation compared to Wilderwind itself, along with the possibility that he could completely flip me from their side and have me sign on as only Izvaldi's defender. But with my current alignment, opposing or attacking me could still invite retaliation from my ties in Wilderwind. He can't afford that. If that's really all that's going on, then I might be able to keep Flarefeather quite safe, in this specific regard."

My ears folded and unfolded as I ran my mind between the consequences and rewards. On one side, I saw Flarefeather's infectious enthusiasm as she explored the ship, her persistent attempts to pry me out of my shell, and knew that not only would she love this: she would help me remember why I had loved this at first, too.

On the other side, I saw Coda, frozen in a block of ice because I had been laying dead in a pool in the Flame District when she needed me most.

"Do you really think your position is strong enough?" I begged, unable to keep the hope out of my voice. "Even if all we could do was one trip to Izvaldi, and then bringing them right back here?"

"Buckets, listen to yourself," Puddles chuckled. "If you think you don't know what you want, then you're not being honest with yourself." Her expression turned earnest again. "Now, what about Lissa? Flarefeather's only half of that duo. You know what her deal is?"

I blinked, wracking my mind to remember what Lissa had told me. Of the two of them, Flarefeather I had known for longer, trusted more, and was closer with... though they were definitely inseparable over a matter like this. But I couldn't think of anything.

Shaking my head, I told Puddles this, and she frowned.

"Well, in that case, there's not much I can do," Puddles apologized. "I guess that's it, then."

I stared out the window, back at the Wilderwind tower. "They said I could come visit again tonight if I wanted a more proper goodbye. Or just missed their company, or whatever. I could go try to find out."

Puddles fondly shrugged. "Meh... We don't have to leave tomorrow morning. If this matters to you, then take the time you need."

"If Lissa's is something we don't need to worry about either..." I hesitated, feeling like I already knew the answer yet not wanting to risk it being otherwise by letting Puddles say it. "You're talking like you wouldn't say no to any of this."

Puddles shrugged. "Seeing how passionate other ponies can get about the things they care about is the best kind of persuasion there is. I would like it if you could ask Lissa to needle me slightly less about some of my contradictory views, but... it would be nice to watch someone experience the joy of adventuring again. That is how I got this, after all." She patted her special talent fondly.

"Then it sounds like I know what I want to do," I said, girding up for another trip to the tower. "I know you make it sound like it's obvious, what I want, but it really wasn't obvious to me when we started this. So, thanks."

Puddles giggled. "Hey, what are friends for? And good luck out there. Take all the time you need."