It's been a little over 2 weeks. My mental health has declined significantly. My already limited social life is now down to Celestia, Cadance and Twilight. All because of that stupid cut. I found a way to relieve my stress: cutting myself. It seemed to work when I first did it, under my forearm, but the sensation quickly faded.
I tried to stop, but now it's just an addiction. It feels good when you're in the moment, but then you start to question your life choices, which quickly spirals out of control. It fuels the stress, causing to cut yourself more. You do it over and over again, hoping it will stop. It's a cycle that, deep down, you know will never stop.
At least the cut healed
I stopped going out of my room, except for the occasional meeting that could have easily just been a letter. I have to put on them damn brave face, even if I don't feel it. It seems to work, since I keep getting asked questions that I don't have the energy to answer.
My sleep schedule is nonexistent. I go to bed, lay there for a decent amount of time, and then fall asleep. Of course, I don't get much sleep. The nightmare I gave myself has started to get worse and worse, clinging on every negative thoughts I have and amplifying them. It wakes me up earlier each night till the point that I barely get an hours worth of sleep. I wake up panting each time. I usually go to the library, just so I have something to do.
I found a book that talks about wing-binding, the history of when it first happened. I just so happened to be banished at the time. It talked about how the spell evolved over time, how to counter-spell it, how long it usually takes for the spell to wear out. It interested me to the point it was the only thing that took my mind of my thoughts.
One night, when I was walking to the library, I ran into somepony.
"Oh, sorry," I apologized.
"It's fi- wait, Luna?" the pony asked. I knew instantly who it.
"Sister? What are you doing up?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing."
"I, uh." I tried to think of an excuse, but nothing was forming.
Celestia shook her head. "How long have you been awake for?" I backed up. "Um, well, you see, I-" I turned back and ran to my room. Celestia followed me, trying to be quiet. "Luna!" I made it into my room and locked the door, right before Celestia got to it. I panted hard, the running taking the air from me as I tried desperately for more air.
"Luna," Celestia started slowly, "Please, can we talk?" No I thought You wouldn't understand. Despite the thoughts, I slowly unlocked and opened the door, seeing the face of concern on my sister. "Can I come in?" I nodded. The door opened wider as she walked in.
"Are you alright?" she asked. "You don't look like you've had much to eat, or drink."
"Ye- Yeah, I- I'm fine."
"Luna, you know that's not true. I know that's not true."
I muttered under my breathe "Like you would know."
"What was that?" Celestia questioned.
"Like you would know," I repeated, louder.
Celestia, being as stupid as possible, said, "You're right. I don't know, only because you won't tell me."
"Oh, so now I did something wrong again." I was already getting frustrated. "Everything I do is wrong. You do nothing wrong."
"Luna, that's not what I me-"
"No, it is my fault. Everything is my fault. All I've done was wrong. I do nothing right. I can't do nothing right because I'm the younger child, always trying to live up to my sister. You were the perfect child to mom and dad. First to become an alicorn, first to raise the sun all by yourself. What did I get? The moon. The fucking moon." I started to get louder, "I always get the small things. You do something amazing, you get praised and anything you wanted. I do something amazing and you get praised for helping me, even if I did it all by myself.
"Then I tried to bring eternal night and you banished more for 1000 years without even trying to talk about it. You didn't do it then, why are you doing it now? Afraid I'll become Nightmare Moon again? Damn it Celestia, I scare you. You are afraid of me. Afraid of what I may do to your precious castle that you built all on your own. Did you ever think about what would happen if I came back to the light, or did you not even think about that? I was jealous, I still am. You're perfe-"
"I'm not even close to perfect," she said softly. "I- I'm sorry, Luna. I never knew you were thinking of all this. I want to help. Please let me help you now. You redeemed yourself already, yet I have not."
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" I screamed at her.
Celestia nodded, "Very well." She walked out the door, turning back to tell me, "Be angry, Luna. You deserve it. I love you."
I laid on my bed, crying into the pillow. I always jump to conclusions and I always hate myself for it. Thank goodness I put that silence spell in my room. Everypony would be awake right now if I hadn't. The one thing that I've actually done right.
You are worthless.
No one actually loves you.
No one cares.
Quit being a whiny bitch.
The thoughts only made scream more. I needed to find a way to end the thoughts in my mind. They annoy me since I know they are lying. Yet, it feels like the truth. It feels like if I listen to my own thoughts to closely, I could do something worse than I already have, just because I was convinced it was the truth.
I looked out the window to see a little clouds in the sky. The morning was soon, I might as well take a quick fly. It will take my mind off of... well my mind. I opened the window and took off towards the dark.