“I-I keep telling you, um, ‘Pinkie Pie’. You’ve got me all wrong! This is all just some dreadful misunderstanding! Now, put the nice lady pegasus down so we can discuss this like rational erm, ‘equines’...”
“Your false flattery may work on naively trusting ponies like Fluttershy, but you can’t fool me, Miss Unicorn! I can’t believe I was going to throw you a ‘Welcome To Ponyville Party’, and it’s already too late to cancel all the invitations! I’m getting out of here with my friend, and as soon as I inform the others your keister will be behind bars quicker than I can whip up a triple-decker sundae on a sunny Sunday!”
Why do I always end up having to handle negotiations with the class clown or the village idiot? “...Okay, it’s a fair cop. I did ruin this Sesame Seed’s stall back in Canterlot, and for that I’m very sorry. I-I was a selfish twat, and I put my own needs before that of a hard-working pony. Just because I was starving to death and had no money, it didn’t give me the automatic right to… do what I did.”
“Hmm…” Pinkie’s right eyebrow seemed to shift slightly upwards, in what I hoped was a positive sign the pastel goofball was actually capable of listening to good reason. “Okay, you seem honest enough in your apology there, but what about poor Gummy? I could tell something was wrong with him as soon as I got home this afternoon, as he’s usually so active. If I hadn’t ran over there in time to squeeze you out of his windpipe, I’d be burying him in the Great Swamp In the Sky now. What do you have to say about that, Miss Unicorn? Huh? Huh?!”
Looks like I was too optimistic in my estimation there of her ability to understand my situation… typical. “Please call me Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie. I find the ‘Miss’ label quite… uncomfortable. And… Gummy? Who or what the heck is a ‘Gummy’?”
“Oh, so you don’t like being called ‘Miss Unicorn’, Twilight Sparkle? Well, I don’t like having to forcibly eject a crumpled-up poster from my precious little alligator’s throat; that’s ‘Gummy’, for your information. So forgive me for not agreeing to your wishes… Miss Unicorn. That’s how I’ll remember you from now on and what I’ll call you whenever I see you, particularly in court… Miss. Unicorn.”
If I could only break free of these confining towels and cloths that are keeping me pinned to this chair, I’d give her such a pasting right now. I know what you’re thinking… ‘how can lovable old Darren even think of visiting such gruesome ultraviolence on a harmless mare’, right?
Well, everyone has a breaking point… and I just found out mine is constantly being goaded about my tragic loss of gender and species. So, what follows should be no great shock. Brace yourselves...
“You f*cking crazy pink freak!! I wasn’t the one who shoved that stupid thing down your pet’s gullet, so quit blaming me. That’s like, the most Insane Troll Logic thing I’ve ever heard, to think just because my picture was on there I’m personally responsible for their near-death! Now release Fluttershy, and p*ss off back to whatever nuthouse you came from!”
Unable to strike back at Pinkie Pie’s provocative comments with either a physical or magical (still getting the hang of that) reaction, I finally fully cracked by, amongst other things, dropping the ‘F’ bomb and using very unpolitically correct language to describe the mentally disturbed.
Look, if you’re offended by what I said, I’m sorry, okay? Quite frankly though, in the unbelievably frustrating situation I found myself in, the profanities just tumbled out of my mouth uncontrollably and I couldn’t put them back in again. Oops.
Still, my outrageous language did seem to have some kind of fortuitous side-effect. Both Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie halted momentarily by the open door to glance at each other in confusion at what I’d just said, as if this kind of rough barroom talk had never been heard ‘round those parts before (no surprises there really, considering the target demographics).
This brief split-second delay proved to be crucial. For guess who came running full throttle towards the cottage at this exact moment, the most unlikely rescuer you could ever no-want-to imagine… my hero, my saviour, my sis…
Oh, you already guessed who my knight in scaled armour was a few sentences ago. That means… I won’t have to waste another paragraph making her head even bigger than it is. Yippee!!
“Right, you two horrible kidnappers. Hoofs off my… ‘friend’ right now or I’ll turn you both into ashes. I learned in class last month that thatched roofs burn very well, and I don’t think you want me to test that out, do you?”
D-Daisy?! I craned my neck to try and identify the origin of the voice, just about making out the topmost green tip of her horn. She actually found me? All by herself? Without the help of Mum, her teacher or a map drawn out of crayon? I-I can’t believe this is happening… me, being helped by her. Oh, the shame of it.
Another thing I couldn’t quite stomach is just how genuinely pleased I was to see her, but I could save my latent astonishment for another day. Right now, I had to take full advantage of the two now cowering ponies in the corner of the room, and escape this surprisingly snug ‘prison’ as soon as possible.
“Dais! I never thought my lips would speak these words, but I'm so glad you came back... anyway, little help here? I-I can’t cut myself loose…”
“Big Brother!! There you are… what? They tied you up as well? The fiends! How does such a ‘big, strong’ guy like you get himself caught by two ‘harmless’ ponies, that’s what I want to know…!”
Great, the gloating has started already. I’ll never live this down. “Look, you can mock me all you want when we get out of here, but please… can you help free me first?”
“Got it.” A smugly-smiling Daisy wasted no further time in tearing off my towelly bindings with her extra-sharp claws, and I’ll be forever grateful I didn’t insist she had a manicure after we arrived. “Now, shall we go? If they’re one thing I’ve learned since coming here, it’s that these ponies aren’t as nice as they appear on the screen. Put it this way, I think I’ll stick to Phineas And Ferb now on school mornings.”
“That’s nice. Just jump on my back, and we can gallop off to… somewhere. Any place but here, basically.” I didn’t know exactly where me and my reptilian rider were heading to next, but hopefully it would be nice, remote, but most of all… free from the local wildlife and all that that implies.
Because if there’s one thing we desperately needed right now, it’s time and space to carefully consider our next move. Especially now the whole of Equestria was apparently gunning for us. Just like the Wild Wild West, except with less cowboys and more horses.
Well, ponies if we’re being pernickety, but you get my drift.
“Good job you’ve got such a big mouth Big Brother, or I’d never have been able to find you all the way over in Fluttershy’s cottage. Really saved your furry purple butt back there, didn’t I?”
“My butt is not purple!! Or… furry. My real butt is… well, the same as everyone else’s. And why are you staring at it so much anyway?!”
“I can’t help it. I leapt on you so quickly as we ran away, I ended up riding backwards. It’s actually kind of painful, bouncing up and down like this at high speed. Ouch. Ow.”
“Sorry to hear that, but we can’t pause for breath now. You’re just gonna have to deal with it until we clear this area. Still, at least we now know what colour your butt is gonna be by the time we stop…”
“What are you saying… Ouch.”
“A nice shade of red, that’s what(!)”
“Was that supposed to be funny, Darren Jones? Let’s see what you think of this…”
Ow. Perhaps teasing a dragon with, as we’ve already established, super-pointy talons wasn’t my wisest move.
But rather than toss her over into the undergrowth before running off on my own with a snigger, I actually cut her some slack this time and carried on galloping through the pain to wherever our next destination might be.
Hey, what can I say? I owe her one. But now we’re fair-and-square in our favour columns… there’s always next time, right?
“I can’t believe we let them get away lickety-split like that. How did they know my very super-duper worst fear was fire, ever since I burnt a day’s worth of pastries? Watching that spider build his web under the customer’s table was just too interesting! I’ll never forget when Mrs Cake said she was ‘very disappointed’ in me, then my mane drooped and things got a bit hazy and… what are you smiling at, Fluttershy? Usually I’d encourage a good grin or two, but this is no time to be happy! We let two very seriously dangerous criminals escape… and even now they could be plotting to overthrow the government with their twirly moustaches and e-v-i-l laughter…”
“Did you see that baby dragon, Pinkie? Sssooo cute. I hope I didn’t offend him too much when I looked so scared after he came in like that suddenly… he must be the one that was mentioned on the poster…”
“Ya think? And how can you be so casual about him almost burning your house down? Really Flutters… if you don’t mind me saying, you take being a doormat to frightening new extremes. Even I’m not cracking jokes twenty-four hours a day. A girl’s gotta sleep, ya know.”
“Oh no, Pinkie… he was never going to do that, it was just an idle threat. If I actually thought we or my animals were in danger, I would’ve given him ‘the stare’ and put an end to it straightaway. I didn’t sense any malice in him at all… just the opposite, actually. I’m not sure his friend meant any harm, either. In fact, they both seemed quite sad…”
Just as Pinkie was about to respond to the pegasus in an even more uncharacteristic rant along the lines of ‘are you bucking kidding me’, three figures you’ve met already arrived on the scene just outside the cottage, along with various others who’d been alerted to the loud noise which had permeated the early evening air of this normally quiet little town.
“Hmm, doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened here.” Rainbow Dash could tell by the fading dragon and hoof marks in such close proximity to each other what’d caused the ruckus. “I was prepared to give them the benefit of doubt at first, but attacking ponies in their own homes now? Unforgivable. Okay, volunteer pegasi. Until the Wonderbolts get here later, you’ll be our eyes and ears from the sky. We’ll search from the air if they were foolish enough to go inside the Everfree…”
“...An’ me plus the other earth ponies will be scoutin’ along this path here. With a bit o’ luck and some good light, we should be able to apprehend our quarry before the Summer Sun festival starts. Celestia knows what’ll happen if they ruin that next…” Applejack had commandeered a mini-force of at least ten good steeds including her own brother with more on the way, and she fully intended to use them.
“I’m afraid I won’t be much help, since I’m still recovering from my grievous injuries back in Sugarcube Corner, but if anypony needs drink or refreshments or anything at all, I’ll be waiting right here.” Whether Rarity was too frightened to follow the others or was utilising her mild burns as an excuse to stay put nopony would ever know, but at least she’d found a useful role for herself.
“W-Wha… a crazed angry mob?! To collar the dastardly duo in the act? I’m in! Pick me! Pick me!” Pinky Pie was soon back to her bouncy self, as Applejack gave her the nod to join her posse in their ‘noble’ quest for the nefarious pair of fugitives.
“I-If it’s okay with everypony else, I’ll stay at my cottage with Rarity.” Fluttershy announced solemnly to everypony else around her, but knowing the yellow pegasus’s timid nature as they did, they’d already assumed that would be her default position and sped off without her anyway.
“I hope they catch those ghastly evildoers… throw the key away… give them bread and water for life… no, stale bread and dirty water… speaking of water, did I tell you what they did to my beloved Carousel Boutique?!” Rarity obviously had her reasons to harbour a grudge against the duo on the run, but as Fluttershy politely listened to her rant and rave incessantly, she couldn’t help but think there was a lot more to their story than met the eye.
And if there’s one thing that life had taught the mild-mannered pegasus (other than to do unto others what you’d do to them, always turn the other cheek if you can, how to massage grizzly bears into submission etc) it’s that you should never jump to conclusions without establishing all the facts first.
Goodbye for now, Twilight Sparkle and dragon friend. And… good luck out there.