I know I should be thankful, but I just can not get it out of my head. It hurts. It hurts my head, causing longing headaches into the night. But brave face. A brave face is all that matters. If anypony finds out what I think, they will think less of me. Less of what they already think, at least. My sister believes they love me, but I don't think she's seen what I've seen, what they think about me.
Maybe she is right. Maybe they do like me. I know Apple Bloom likes me, but mostly because I helped her with her... nightmare. I will never say that word without thinking about my former self. Whenever I think about her, my... my brain just blanks. It's hard to know what I was like. When she left my body, she took the memories with her. Maybe the dark, hellish cloud that fills my brain is her, trying to take over once more.
In any case, I can't, and will never, remember what had happened during my imprisonment on the moon. Was it a fair punishment? Yes. I believe so. It weakened her, which helped Twilight and her friends defeat her. Will I ever tell anyone the truth? Maybe. I- I just can't figure out how. It's been 5 years, 2 months and 6 days since the day, yet I have never told anyone the truth. I overthink about how to explain it to Celestia, to anyone.
My sister seems to sense something is wrong about me. She tries to comfort me, but I want to be alone. I can't tell if she wants to genuinely help, or if she is afraid. I wouldn't blame her. After what I had become, I'm scared of myself. I hurt so many for no reason other than jealousy. It is not a valid excuse. It will never be, and if it does become one, then the world has gone to hell.
I get distracted so easily. I'm thankful for that, since it keeps my mind off of my dark thoughts. It always circles around at some point, but it usually isn't soon. At least, not as soon as tonight. Stupid brain, being as complex as it is. Sometimes I wish it didn't exist. Well, I could...
No, I won't think those thoughts. Cadence said I should get a therapist. It came out of the blue. It was subtle, but obvious enough that she knows what I am going through. I don't know how she knows. It could be because of her Love abilities, knowing if somepony is depressed and alone. She keeps sending me letters about how I should find somepony, even if it's just a friend.
"You could share your experiences with them," one of the letters said, no doubt trying to get me to talk about my feelings. I am never good with them. It just doesn't come naturally. The emotions come and go anyway. I can't talk about something that I can't remember, right?
I lay awake right now, unable to enter the dream realm. Typical. My thoughts distract me from going to sleep, like usual. My damn brain has finally calmed itself down, so I will be able to sleep soon. Finally. I've been getting less and less sleep each night. Overthinking is overwhelming.
"Hey, Luna. We need to talk," Celestia told me. I looked around in the empty hall. "What?" I groaned. "I need to get back to my duties." Celestia nodded in agreement and said, "Of course. However, we need to talk about you." I turned.
"Forget it."
Celestia pleaded. "Please Luna. I can tell you are not getting enough sleep."
"I'm fine."
"Luna, you need-
"I said I'm fine," I said firmly.
"Fine," Celestia sighed. "But promise me that you will ask for help when you need it. Asking for it doesn't ma-" I didn't hear the rest. I teleported out of there, contemplating on her words. I need help, I truly do. But I'm afraid to ask for it. And anyways, I'm a princess. I can't be talking about my feelings. If word got to the public, it would most certainly make them think I'm an incompetent leader.
I landed in the Canterlot Garden, the only place that I can actually feel peace. The calm chirping of the birds. The breeze barely there, cooling me down. The water wrapping around the bushes and trees. I am sure that anyone could come here and feel peace. Even Discord.
The thing is, it feels different than usual. I felt peaceful, but an underwhelming peace, as if it were taking a vacation. The little peace made me feel anxious. My body couldn't sit still. It felt like something bad was going to happen. I looked around, looking at the little flowers near the fountain. I walked over to the little stream that flowed into the pond where two swans were sleeping.
It looked like Celestia was installing a new plant. Probably an endangered one, like usual. Celestia has always been like that, trying to preserve the extinct plants. When we were little, she used to bring in flowers to put in pots. She used to bring in lavender plants to put in her room, then later in mine. She inspired me to put lavender in the castle to help ponies sleep.
I continued to think about past memories, though I could still feel the unpleasantness of the garden. It's all in my head I told myself. It didn't work all to well. I kept thinking of memories that I wasn't listening to what was happening around me. A rock fell, which caused me to stumble and trip. I landed where the hole was in the ground for the plant. I tried to pinpoint where the rock had fell, but it seemed like it came from every where, all at once.
I stood, groaning, as I dusted myself off. After I regained my balance, I decided to go sit on one of benches. Why this didn't occur to me sooner, I have absolutely no idea. Fucking brain, showing how damn stupid I am. It also seemed to be playing tricks on me, since I kept feeling a sharp pain on my shin. After a while, it started to hurt more, so I looked down.
I saw blood. It took a few seconds to register what I was seeing. A big, red gash with blood dripping out. I've seen blood before, it's just been a long time.
I started to run towards the inside of the castle, using my magic to keep most of the blood from spilling out from the cut. They urgency of the situation was clouded by my thoughts. Celestia had to have been planting a new flower or some shit like that. How come she doesn't just skip a day?
One thought stood out the most, but I tried to push it down. I turned a corner to the medical room, almost all my focus on trying to get it bandaged. The nurse in the room must of heard me, since she poked her head out of the doorway. She got out of the way quickly just before I entered. She must've just helped somepony, as she had bandages out already. The look on the nurses face made me fearful for my leg. It's rare for me to get nervous about something like a wound, but today seemed to be a different day.
The thought kept trying to push its way to the top of my brain, but I resisted. The nurse sat me down, helping hold the blood. She got the bandages and walked them towards me. She began to wrap it around the injury.
"How did this happen?" she asked.
I responded. "I- I don't know. It just- appeared." But deep down, I was sure I knew. The shovel. I landed on that, but I didn't think I landed on it at an angle that could cut me, more of a bruise or something like that. I guess I was wrong. Just like I was with about almost everything since I turned into... her.
The nurse looked skeptical, but decided not to press on it. She finished wrapping. When I looked down, I saw the hint of blood poking through. I thought there was going to be more blood, and the nurse seemed to notice this.
"I casted a spell," she said, "that helps slow down bleeding. It will last 24 hours, which won't be enough time for it to start healing." The nurse walked over to the counter, putting the bandage on the shelf right above it. She handed me a note to help remind me to come shortly before the time was up.
I tried to stand, but the adrenaline had worn out. My leg felt weak, but I didn't fall. I tried to put weight on it, which was a struggle. "Try to stay off it," the nurse warned me. I nodded, but internally, I didn't want to. I needed to be with my subjects and-
I can't focus. She's right. If I don't, it could get even worse than it already is. Kind of like me. I chuckled at my own joke. I helped steer away the thought, too. However, it was starting to cloud my head, taking over ever bit of it my damn brain.
I thanked the nurse and teleported away, to my room. I needed to talk to Celestia about what happened. But, she would be worried. Plus, I need rest. Not just for my leg, but for my mind. I pulled the sheets over and got into the bed. It was comfortable, as always. But I wasn't thinking about that. Instead, the same thought was bouncing around.
Cut your arm next.