I sent Cozy Glow off to school. Yes, school. Despite my personal desire to just play fetch with her, something that Cozy Glow loved doing(since she usually threw the ball), apparently my filly needed an actual education. Because she needed an actual education so she didn’t end up as an idiot that loafs around a castle all day, like her father, so I agreed to send her to school. Everyday I would walk her to school, for the last week, and everyday I would go pick her up. Sometimes I would make her lunch in the morning, something she got teary eyed over for some reason…
Mostly because her biological parents never actually made her a meal. So whenever I got the chance, I ended up making breakfast for her, lunch, and dinner, and then the two of us proceeded to talk about plans for our day. Mostly my daughter talked about her plans for the day since I usually ended up licking a wall for six hours while waiting to pick her up. Or sometimes Ms. Breeze would find me and get me to stop licking the wall… only for me to start licking the floor. One time I decided to dig up the carpet, and then I ran out of carpet in my room, so I started digging up the carpet of the whole castle.
Celestia and Luna were amused by it while the treasurer was grumbling about how that’ll come out of Equestria’s housing budget.
Over the last week, Twilight and her friends were sent out to capture somepony named Trixie because of tax fraud. Because Trixie said she was sending her taxes to Canterlot, bits that she casted aside, but the Crown never got them. I ended up having to fork over a bag full of bits labeled ‘Trixie’ to help pay for all the carpet I dug up. Meanwhile, Trixie had to spend several days in the dungeons while she cried about her innocence.
Recently, I was shown a Crystal Mirror, something that looked important, so I took it, licked it a few times and kept it in my room without telling anyone. Because Cozy taught me an important lesson:
If you want it, take it.
I wanted the Crystal Mirror because it was shining and reflective, something I never had before while living in the Hive, so I ended up taking that and keeping it for myself.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was making food for Cozy Glow. I ransacked the entirety of the Royal Kitchens, stole some money from the Royal Vault, and used the money to build a kitchen in my castle room. I could’ve used Luna’s room, since it had a whole kitchen, but I didn’t know how to use the mechanical box with a number pad on it, which had a door with a glass panel on it. That’s the only appliance in Luna’s room, which was on top of a shelf full of instant noodle cups because Luna, like an idiot, decided that eating noodles everyday was better than having a gourmet meal made for you everyday of your life.
Because Luna is dumb. I mean, she said two plus two is two! Imagine!
It’s clearly four hundred thirty two billion, twenty million, eight hundred and thirty thousand and four, Luna.
Yes, I am Cozy Glow’s math tutor, since I didn’t feel like asking Twilight, the spooky unicorn, to help her with her homework. Of course, my wonderful little angel has straight A’s… She suplexed a foal for calling me ugly when I was picking her up from school once.
Oh right, lunch making for my lovely little lady, that I would murder an entire organization full of assholes, whoops, I swore, for. Cozy Glow said I had a mental illness, the kind that makes focusing on one train of thought nearly impossible. Which is weird, since I don’t have thoughts, I only bug, and by bugging, I ended up making Cozy tomato soup, three perfectly toasted slices of garlic bread, a lovely cup of non-alcoholic apple cider, and ice cream for dessert. I put some of the tomato soup in a sealable bowl, the three slices of garlic toast ended up in their own container, and I even put various toppings for the ice cream in a container that was split into four sections, a bottle of chocolate syrup for the ice cream to add onto the sugar rush she’ll get from eating the ice cream, and then and cookie.
I stuck all of that in the lunch box, that was perfectly enchanted(by an unwilling Twilight that I may or may not have threatened via threatening to lick her eyes sixty seven times), to keep everything at the right temperature for Cozy for when she eventually ate lunch. It had her cutie mark on the corner, to mark it as hers, but was covered in cute little butterflies because she loved the design and pointed it out to me when we went shopping for her school supplies. Cozy Glow herself was still asleep in her bed, since she asked for five more minutes of sleep, so I happily gave it to her.
Approximately five minutes later, Cozy was up, had a really fancy, homemade cup of coffee, despite being told that giving foals coffee was a bad idea, and had her lunch box attached to her saddle bags.
“Are you ready, Cozy?” I asked, nuzzling her. She looked adorable!
“Ready for school, or cuddles? You look like you want to snuggle up with me.”
“I can do it while I help you with your homework. Sounds good?”
“Yeah! Can we play fetch afterwards?”
“Only if you’re a good little filly. I heard how you kicked a colt in the balls for staring at your butt.”
“Fine dad… you were going to yell at him for staring anyways!”
“Because you’re my filly, and that colt reeked of the same stuff that Pinkie uses all the time; he’s a crackhead.”
“WHAT!?”
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go get you to school!”
We left the castle not too long after we quickly got over the fact that somepony let their colt do drugs. As in I broke a window, using a pillow, and the two of us hovered down to the ground, before walking towards the castle gates. As the two of us walked, I eventually just picked Cozy Glow up by the scruff and started carrying her like that. Because it makes her go ‘Daaddd!’ So of course, because it’s embarrassing, I keep doing it to her. Deep down, I can feel my daughter secretly loving being carried by the scruff, but likes to put on the show of ‘I’m a big girl’ so she doesn’t let it show physically. I magicked her saddlebags onto my back, so none of the contents would fall on the ground…
Wait, I did something relatively smart. That’s not supposed to happen.
The streets of Canterlot were bustling, filled with ponies of all ages going about their day. There was an occasional bum on the street, and a ton of foals heading in the direction we were heading. I got Cozy enrolled into a really nice, public schoolhouse, which was actually the biggest schoolhouse in Canterlot, so she could socialize. Sometimes a few ponies would stop and pause at the filly hanging from my mouse, and then take a second, more shocked look at the weird, stupid looking changeling, wearing a collar with Luna’s seal on it, carrying a filly in its mouth like a mommy cat. It made me raise my head with pride as I marched forward, while Cozy just crossed her forelegs while grumbling about how I’m making her look like a baby.
Still, she’s my baby, I’m her mommy cat, and I’m going to carry her like this. I almost turned myself into a big cat in order to show my Mommy Cat-iness, I started prancing lightly, as to not jostle my baby too much, as all eyes were on me…. Something isn’t right. I can feel ponies staring at me, not the random, shocked pony that eventually ‘awed’ at me for some reason, but the kind that screamed ‘bad pony’ vibes. I didn’t like that vibe so I magicked up another saddlebag, stuck Cozy in it, so her head was just poking out of it, which she was even more ‘upset’ about. I didn’t think much about it, but after thinking about it… I just used magic competently.
Mostly because it was more embarrassing than being carried like a kitten.
I picked the pace up shortly afterwards… so much for taking my time with taking my filly to school; I loved this part of the day, but I think there are some ponies that might hurt me, or mostly Cozy, so I couldn’t enjoy the day. If I come back and find Cozy Glow missing, or I get knocked out while I take her home, I will find whoever took her and ruin their days… and make them not live if possible.
“Dad, is everything alright? You usually take your time walking me to school… well, carrying me to school. Why do you have to carry me to school? I’m not a newborn foal.”
“Can you fault me for being a happy dad?” I asked.
“Well… I don’t think I can,” Cozy spun around in my saddle bag, before nuzzling me. “What’s wrong, though? I know you would be showing me off to the world if you could. Right now… it’s like you’re trying to keep me hidden, yet still while trying to carry me. Something’s wrong, and I want to know, Dad.”
“I think some ponies around us are getting ready to hurt us,” I said as we stopped by the school. “I don't want you to get hurt.”
My daughter looked me in the eyes, before her eyes watered up a bit and widened, before she nuzzled me again and giggled. “I can take care of myself Dad; I almost took over Equestria in the future and… I can handle myself.”
“And you are my filly,” I said. “If somepony comes by to hurt you, or steal you away,” I nuzzled her several times, using scent glands all over her. Cozy may not know it, but changelings have scent glands, if rubbed into something, we can track it. In fact, that’s probably the only thing that Queen Chrysalis told me that’s genuinely useful. So now I have fully covered my daughter in my scent, something only I can smell, I let Cozy go to school. To my surprise… she actually walked up to a group of fillies, nuzzled them all, and walked in the school… MY DAUGHTER HAS FUCKING FRIENDS! I am going to go home and bake cookies, and make Cozy invite them over this darn instance! It is going to be so darn…
What was I doing? Oh, a red dot!
Luna, Celestia, and Cadance had gotten ahold of a super powered laser pointer. They had an Eye Spy Spell watching Stinky while Cadance pointed the laser pointer towards where . Shining Armor, who was still recovering from the flank whoopin’ that Queen Florial had opened on him for accidentally foal napping Stinky, watched in awe as Stinky started following the laser pointer like a cat across town, into a bakery, before he left it, still following the laser pointer with a nice, large box of cookies on his back.
“You do realize that there were at least six known criminals trailing Stinky, right?” Shining Armor asked. “They were eying the filly he was carrying around.”
“There were criminals trailing Stinky?” Celestia asked. “I was a little busy hearing somepony…” She glared at Florial, who was still gushy over her son carrying her adopted granddaughter across town in a saddlebag. “My special somepony wouldn’t shut up about her, admittedly, adorable, grand foal being carried like a kitten through Canterlot.”
“Can you blame me? Look!” Florial pulled a photo out from the camera, it was of Stinky carrying Cozy Glow in a saddle bag, the young filly was sticking her head out, with the flap for the saddlebag sitting on her head. Her two front hooves hung over the sides while she seemingly watched the world go by as her adoptive father carried her around town on the trip to school. Everypony present stopped, staring at the perfectly captured image of Stinky and Cozy Glow happily going about their lives, even if Stinky looked just a tiny bit concerned, an expression that didn’t fit his face.
“...I see that you make a good argument,” Celestia nodded. “However… We still have this laser pointer-” she turned to see Luna still using it to lead Stinky around town to preoccupy him while his daughter was still in school.
I started trotting back up to the school, because it was around that time that Cozy Glow was supposed to be getting out of school. I wanted to ask her to invite her little friends over to the castle for some cookies, milk, and perhaps dinner if they were allowed to stay. I was as happy as I could be, since I finally caught the red dotted creature running around Canterlot, after breaking several windows, carts, and trees. A happy little buzz left my wings as soon as I got to the gates of the school. And to my delight…
Colts and fillies started flooding out of the door and out the gates, and there my daughter was, happily talking to her friends. She seemed nice and happy… only until a pegasus, dark blue and had an eye patch, swooped down and snagged her off the ground. I heard her friends scream and watch in horror, since they were unicorns and couldn’t do much to stop Cozy Glow from getting kidnapped. I watched as Cozy stared back at me as she was pulled away, like she was teary eyed… She was too far away to pick up on her emotions, but I could tell she was scared-
Cozy Glow was just looking sad and scared; she wanted to see what Stinky would do to the criminal foalnapping her.
I stared at the pegasus. The asshat was flying away with my filly, with a smug little grin on his face. I felt the box of cookies on my back fall to the ground as I slowly started letting a growl grow in my throat. You made a mistake, you stupid horse. You’ve made a giant mistake. My blank stare slowly grew into a cold, angry glare as I took a sniff of the air. I am hot on your trail, and I am going to ruin your day, you stupid pegasus. After a few moments of staring into the sky, I started moving again. I am going to make sure you cannot continue your bloodline…
You featherbrained piece of shi-
This fanfiction was interrupted by a message from your favorite story writer, Nugget27! He is your favorite right?
Anyways, cursing is bad. Stinky is a bad bug, spewing curses every other thought, so we had to cut his perspective off… Anyways, since Nugget is lazy and doesn’t wanna stretch what could be done in a sentence, like he usually does, to a full three paragraphs and another scene, we’re going to cut to Cozy Glow’s perspective because Nugget thinks it’s a lot funnier to have Cozy Glow be her usual psychotic self!
Cozy Glow
I pretended to quiver in fear, because I knew somehow, some way, some stupid plot device that was never mentioned before by the person that wrote me into this stupid story, my Dad would find me. Huh, I’ve got a Dad. This sure does beat being stuck in Tartarus or being turned into stone. Anyways, my captor, the blue eye-patched(he still has an eye), grinned as he and his buddy tied me up in rope and stuck me on a wooden chair. I honestly don’t know why these idiots, it’s a whole organization of criminals by the way, foalnapped me.
“You think this one will sell well?”
Oh. Foal trafficking. Do I have qualities of a ‘pretty’ filly? I know I’m cute and lovable, my Dad tells me it all the time, and I know he’s right. Oh, I hear the muffled curses from my Dad… It is scary to hear him say swear words. Usually he’s really simple, and a little stupid.
“I think so. Though why are you keeping her here? Shouldn’t she be with… Oh, I see.”
I blinked a couple of times. What were they talking about?
“I mean, I may as well-” A pen broke through the window and stabbed the stallion right in the nostril. The stallion blinked a couple times before a book followed right afterwards, slamming into the eraser of the pencil and driving the thing further into his brain. The stallion crumped to the ground before another Holy Sweet Celestia! I didn’t know my Dad was a hardflank! I thought he was just a stupid changeling that didn’t know what the heck was going on… I see how he killed
Dad apparently found the actual entrance, because downstairs started sounding like somepony was raiding it. Several more screams, the sounds of cages being opened, and tiny hooves, the hooves of foals, started towards the apparent entrance. I stared at the door in anticipation as did my other captor, the blue pegasus… The door never opened… until I heard the sound of heavily breathing. You see, the blue, eye-patched pegasus was staring ahead, beside me, shivering in fear. His buddy was the one that got absolutely destroyed.
We both slowly turned around to my Dad, glaring at the pegasus.
“Listen,” Stinky said slowly. “You are going to tell me why you foalnapped a bunch of foals, especially my foal, or I will end you. If you tell me, I might not end you.”
“I-I-I-” I almost started laughing as Stinky got closer, and closer, and closer… he pulled out an ice cream scooper as the poor pegasus started trying to back away. He didn’t say a word, which really wouldn’t end well for him if Dad’s this mad.
Stinky, the next day.
I managed to finally get Cozy Glow to introduce me to her little friends. We planned out a whole day with them, my sister would be coming along to help watch them… We were going to go to Luna Land, a theme park based off of Luna, which was built in her honor by Celestia some time after her banishment. For some bizarre reason, the little fillies that my daughter was friends with, were actually shocked that her father was a changeling. And even more shocked to find out she was adopted.
They also questioned what the heck happened to the pegasus that picked her up from school the other day.
Laying in the dungeon, was a blue, pegasus stallion, missing an eye, wearing an eyepatch over the other eye. An ice cream scoop was jammed far up his rump. Shining Armor, and another captain of the guard stared down at their latest convict. That wasn’t the only thing wrong with him. Several patches of fur were missing, a few holes were present in his legs, there was even a banana shoved into his nose. They stared wide eyed, before Shining Armor turned around and threw up.
As it turned out, if they needed a criminal captured, just endanger Cozy Glow in some way. The way that she happily described how Stinky killed somepony with a pencil and a copy of Daring Do was beyond horrifying. On one hoof, she was adorable, all happy and giddy. On the other, she’s all happy and giddy while describing a gruesome murder! Something is wrong with that filly. Granted, this resulted in the capture of an entire criminal organization(granted, none of the members were alive anymore)
“...I…” Shining Armor coughed. As he got over the loss of his breakfast. “I think I’m glad that barely anything can make Stinky this angry.”
“And Luna is dating this changeling?” Shining Armor’s replacement asked. His name was Flash Sentry. Shining Armor simply nodded. “I would like a transfer to the Crystal Empire; I need to get out of Canterlot if this is apparently normal!
“I don’t blame you… I can’t believe me and Cadance tried adopting Stinky back in the day… We forgot that he’s a changeling that was trained by Queen Chrysalis of all creatures.”
“You tried what?”
Shining Armor saw me today at dinner and peed himself for some reason. I don’t know why; I was only happily eating away at a piece of drywall.