//------------------------------// // Canon Fact: BLOOD DEATH solos your favorite universe // Story: My Little Methhead // by Scotishbro //------------------------------// Sad. “AAAH!” I could feel my life draining with each successive hit as Waltuh incestuously and full of malice made my face resemble a recently blown up cherry pie. Sure, at any moment I could totally just clap his ass, but that wasn't what I wanted. RECORD SCRATCH Yeah, thats me, BLOOD DEATH. You're probably wondering how I got here. Truth is, I've been wondering that myself for some time. I guess you could start at the Catacombs, or maybe even in Vietnam. But if I'm being honest, it all started in 1965 in a small town south of Albuquerque New Mexico… I never knew my mom, dad never really talked about her. He was a mechanic out in the big city, so I never saw him much neither.  You see, my parents didn’t care for me too much. I was different from all the other kids. More badass, better looking too. Being that cool, I drew the ire of many around me. It didn't help that I had a massive horn and wings to go along with it all.  I was a weirdo, so it was no surprise that I began to hang out with other outcasts. I met Walter when we were just 5, and it seemed we had a connection like no other. He was a total nerd, but something about his shiny bald head was mesmerising in the harsh New Mexican sun. We grew up together, pals to the end. But sometimes things were just never meant to be… “I am the one who cheats in blackjack.” Walter slid an ace out of his shirt and slammed it on the soapbox we called a table.  “Nuh uh! I cast Pot of Greed, allowing me to draw two more cards!” I quickly grabbed a marker out of my bag and wrote ‘ligma’ on a 2 of Spades and slammed it over his cheating Ace. We had no clue how blackjack even worked, so we just made up things as we went along. “This is literally like that one book by that British guy. Fahrenheit 1984 or something.” Walter shook his head. I smirked and rose my head high. “Its actually Animal 451. Read it and weep, Walt.” Suddenly, a rock came flying by us and knocked our cards everywhere. “Hey freaks, take this!” Kids up an embankment to our left began pelting us with rocks. We scrambled to grab our stuff and make out, but it's kind of hard to operate when somebody is chucking stones at you. When I started running, Walt got struck in the back and fell down. “Shit!” I grabbed Walter's shirt and yanked him up, folding my wing out to stop any more from hitting him. “Come on man, we need to GTFO!” Me and Walter ran harder than we had for awhile, not to say events like this were uncommon by any means. Dodging rocks and insults alike had almost become second nature to us.  We retreated to an alleyway not to far away, losing the attackers with ease. Once once we caught our breath, Walt popped a squat against the wall and started smoking a cigarette, since everyone was doing those in those days. “We gotta get out of here BD. This town is harshing my vibe.” Walt offered his friend a hit. BLOOD DEATH leaned aainst the wall and toked the cig. “And go where, Walt? Join the army, fight in ‘Nam?” “Oh please, we both know you'd just get rejected. It happend to Dan, remember? Something about him being the ‘only son’ in his family.” “Then I'm out of idea's.” “Same.” We sat there for a moment, passing each other the cancer stick and contemplating our choices. When I went home that night, I used my magic to try and cast a portal,  to find my mom and get away. I spent hours trying to do it, following my heart and soul, into the wee hours of the day. When all hope seemed lost, I cast the spell one more time, and I saw a beautiful world full of people who looked like me, but walking on all fours. Equestria. I didn't want to abandon him, Skelejesse. But I knew I couldn't live like this. Day to day, slowly losing any will to go on. I knew where my mom had gone, somehow I always had. But I knew I couldn't take Walter with me. “So, you left without him?” I could feel the judgment coming from Skelejesse. Even without a face to put any emotions to, his ability to express himself was unmatched. I couldn't help but shy away in shame. “Jeeze man, and I thought I was a heartless bastard.” “I know…” Skellejesse paused for awhile. “Well if I know that man, and I'd like to say that I do, we can't stop because of old grudges. He has become ruthless in his old age, bitch. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants.” BLOOD DEATH kinda stared at Skelejesse like this. “So you'll help me get my throne back?” “I... I can't promise that Blood Death.” “I see…” “Rest assured, his tyranny will not last. Wherever he is up there, he will be stopped. Bitch.” UP THERE… The slow and methodical sounds of a rapidly industrializing Equestria sung like angels throughout the Palace walls. Waltuh, newly crowned KIng by Conquest, sat upon the throne that had been shaped to Celestia’s ass for over a thousand years, laughing maniacally as he realized that this story’s perspective had finally come to him.  His rule over the new Kingdom was absolute. Sure, there had been ponies who had tried to stop him, but they all fell by the wayside to his iron fist without much effort.  “Do you hear that, Raven?” Raven Inkwell, a really popular character to those who A) look up lots of porn or B) really like stories with Celestia, snapped to life and out of the horrid thoughts of the things people have drawn her doing.  “W-what t-to what are you referring to, prince- my King!” Raven quickly corrected herself, but the damage had been done. King Waltuh's smirk was wiped clean off his face at the stutter. This was the moment King Waltuh became King Heisenwaltuh.  “Princess this, Princess that… you ponies cannot imagine anything else, can you? I am your KING!” King Heisenwaltuh violently shook his pimp staff at Raven, causing her to cower in fear.  “Exactly. Weak, submissive. If you will not recognize me as your ruler by word, then I will force you disgusting animals to do so.” King Waltuh motioned towards the doors. “Guards, take Miss Inkwell here to the dungeons, and take word to the auxiliaries that anyone who dares oppose me is to meet a similar fate.”  The guards apprehended Raven before she could escape. “Wha- what?! You can't be serious! Unhoof me!” The king stood and watched, uncaring. The anger he had felt dissapated and the feeling of success had taken over once more when he looked outside. All around him, throughout Canterlot and the valleys below, ponies built factories to continue his meth empire. Forests, towns, it didn't matter. All things, living and inanimate would soon come under his control. And once he had all that, maybe he could finally find the cure to ball cancer. DEEP DRUM HITS… Months later, in the human world… BLOOD DEATH and Skellejesse stood outside of a grand Spanish Villa in the night, black clothes and backpacks full of heisting gear equipped. According to his bony friend, BLOOD DEATH had learned that it had apparently once belonged to some sort of drug kingpin, but that he had been poisoned years ago by an up and coming drug kingpin in revenge. “So, what are we taking?” asked BLOOD DEATH.” “Nyhehe, thats the fun part. I don't know!” “What?” “Well, I'm not COMPLETELY stupid. Come on, I'll tell you as we go along…” Legends tell of a powerful elixir hailing from the lands of humans. Many know it is a tragic tale. One of explosive popularity and unheralded moxie, a drink that would give you the energy to wrestle an ox into its reins but mellow your soul to contain the beast inside. The drink of kings and geniuses alike. A brew that would blast you into a frenzy of energy as you let your foot off the brake and opened the nitrous valve into a world that was yours for the taking. But nothing can be allowed to exist for very long in the world of Man. Soon, the powers that strung the betwixt world in a suffocating marionette said “Nay! Thy wretched weaklings shan't be allowed the privilege to roam these lands unhindered!” And so The Elixir and its ingredients were lost to time, being forced by weak men to be diminished into a state unbefitting of its now-foreign fame. But that isn’t where this myth ends, no, this is where it all began to start. The walls of the sandstone building were lined with decorative painting that looked really terrible tbh. Like on one of them BLOOD DEATH swore it was just a big penis but when he pointed it out to Skellejesse all the skellyman could see was a rocket ship. We truly live in a society. The further the pair went the more a lingering sense of un-belonging washed over them. Neither of them said anything though because according to BLOOD DEATH ‘backing off is for nerds’. He is kinda right tbh. But as they were nearly about to piss themselves and run off like a pair of wimps, a doorway, unmistakably the entrance to the vault that held what BLOOD DEATH sook… seek? Sook sounds more right. Maybe it’s some weird French shit like Souk. Sooook. Soughk. Whatever. BLOOD DEATH used his supercallafraglisticeckspyallahdocious powers to blow the steel doors of their hinges harder than your mom blew me last night and then they saw what they were looking for. “The last alcoholic Four-Loco in the entire world.” Skellejesse's skellemouth skellefell skellewide open. “Whoa.” “No way this thing isn't boobytapped.” “Nyhehehe.. booby.” “Hehehehe” “Nyhehehe” BLOOD DEATH and Skellejesse sat there for a solid 20 minutes just giggling like 12 year old boys at the mention of boobies. When all was said and done, Blood Death took a leather hat and a can of creatine out of his backpack and readied himself to pull the most original stunt in cinematic history. “Careful, BD… don't want to get crushed by a comically large and suspiciously round boulder or something.” BLOOD DEATH slowly lowered his hand onto the package, pulling on the handle and lowereing the Creatine all the same. when he felt he was ready, he quicklyjerked them apart and found himself to be the new owner of a pack of alcoholic Four-Loco. “Haha, look Skelejesse!”  Skelejesse didn't smile though, because he is a skeleton dipshit. What, did you think I was going to make a skeleton laugh? Impossible! Thats completely unrealistic! BLOOD DEATH's attention was split away when the pedestal started making noises, and thats when he realized a crucial mistake.  “THE CREATIINE BARREL IS EMPTY!!!” He looked up, narrowly dodging the giant and weirdly round boulder. He hastily leapt from the quickly eroding platform below him and landed on solid ground, banging his shin on the ledge like a total badass.  “FUCK!” But there was no time to have intercourse, and BLOOD DEATH had to start running lest he be crushed. Up ahead, Skellejesse was egging him on, trying to get him up with kind words and prayers BD guessed. He nimbly dodged the crumbling hallway around him and finally jumped up and out of the way of the rolling stone. It didn't take BLOOD DEATH long to realize he was alone.  “Skellejesse, you there?”  No answer. He made his way up and to the main coutyard of the villa, where he saw two buff as fuck bald Latino's holding Skelejesse by the neck trying to choke him. Except he wasn't being choked out because he is a skeleton. Once again, why the hell did you think he was in danger? He can't fucking breath. “Let go of him!” The Twins slowly panned their gaze at BLOOD DEATH and tossed Skelejesse away, causing him breaking apart into a bunch of scattered bones. “Skelejesse! No!” The Twins fixed their ties simultaneously and drew pistols.  BLOOD DEATH smiled. If only they knew… BANG BANG BANG BANG A shock ran throughout BLOOD DEATH's body. He looked down, and where he thought that there was badass red and black coolness was in fact 4 bullet wounds. It had gone straight through his shield. “Ugh…” BLOOD DEATH stumbled backwards, into a pool. The weak blue lights that shown throughout illuminated the faces of the twins who had come to see if he was dead or not. It was the last thing he could see before the lights got brighter and brighter, forcing him to close his eyes as the pain faded away. “Wake up, dear child.” BLOOD DEATH felt a cold hand touch his chest and he jolted awake, finding himself floating in a void. His vision was blurry, only able to make out that there was somepony dressed in white in front of him. “Jesus? Is that you?”  A feminine voice giggled. “No, my child. You and I are far more intimate than that.” “Mom…” “Yes. And look how you've grown.” BLOOD DEATH's mom hugged him. “You have no idea how long I've waited for this.” “So, you… must be dead. You've been dead this whole time, haven't you?” BLOOD DEATH shied away. He didn't like the prospect of everything he fought for being for nought. BLOOD MOM shook her head. “Of course not silly. You aren't dead either. Not yet anyway. You have too much to do for that to happen.” BLOOD DEATH couldn't believe it. “Then where are we?” The alicorn looked around him, seeing an infinite expanse stretched out around them. “I can't tell you that my child. That is for you to find out. Now go, fulfil your destiny.” “Wait, mom. Please I just want to-” The pain in my chest seared again throughout my body. Bubbles of spent air rose up from me as I screamed in pain. I tried to think of something but my magic just sputtered in the cold water. I looked around the water, and then I saw it. The Four Loco was here with me! I grabbed the package and ripped it open with my hooves, shotgunning a can and feeling its power run through me. The water may have dilluted it but I could still feel the heat of the rounds dissapate, replaced with a fire of passion and power. “Aw yeah!” I said with gurgled passion. With a single sweep of my wings I leapt out of the pool. The Twins, who were casually walking away, turned around and wojaked the hell out of me. “You messed with the wrong alicorn, dipshits.” I saw myself begin to glow green and my hair stand on its end, glowing with unrivaled purity. The Twins took out their pistols once more, unloading the remaining bullets to no avail. The bounced harmlessly off of my hawt bod. With one clap I disintegrated them and the Twins were no more. I felt my power sputter and I fell to the ground, coughing like I still smoked. I looked over to Skellejesse, and from under his purple cloak I could still see movement. “Skellejesse?!” I rushed over, pulling the cloak back to reveal a rather mad looking skull.  It spit a tooth at me and laughed “Nyhehe! Take that Salamanca's!” “Skellejesse, it's me! BLOOD DEATH!” “Oh. Sorry man I can't see anything. Don't have any eyes, you know.” Wait, what? “How do you know where you are going?” “I just get lucky I guess.” “Fair enough.” BLOOD DEATH puffed up his chest and looked at the rising sun like a badass. He conjured up a red strip of cloth and tied it around his head like Rambo except he was way cooler. “Alright SJ, it's Bloodin’ time.” Meanwhile, in Equestria Heisenwaltuh laughed maniacally as he did the worst thing to any pony imaginable. Playing bad music. It's true. Ponies can suffer detrimental effects when listening to straight ass. Mild discomfort, hemorrhoids, spontaneous combustion. All possible outcomes.  It's not like Waltuh was doing it on purpose, he just liked bad music and laughed when he played it. If only he knew. BANG CLACK EXPLOSION NOISES “I’ve cum for a piece of that ass, Walt.” Skelejesse said like a needy bottom. Heisenwaltuh wojak pointed at the approaching Skelejesse. “My god, Jesse. You look like shit.” “Yeah, bitch. Being dead will do that to you.” Waltuh looked down for a moment, clenching his fist. A tear beading in his eye, he weakly said “I thought you died Jesse.” “Well I didn't, bitch. And I got a bone to pick with you.” Laugh track. Heisenwaltuh put a hand on his blade, his posture becoming more aggressive. “What do you mean?” Skelejesse squared up. “I'm going to give you one chance to surrender and set Equestria free, bitch.” “It appears death has made you weak Jesse. Have you no faith in the Empire we built together?” “Nyhehehe!? Together, bitch?” “So be it.” Heisenwaltuh drew his sword and lunged at Skelejesse.  Skelejesse slid to the side with his awesome skelespeed and donked Waltuh on the head lightly.  “You’ll have to try harder than that, bitch.” “RAAAAAH!!!” Waltuh swung his sword like a lunatic in Skellejesse’s direction, but never landed a single blow. Before anything interesting could happen though, a magical blast knocked both parties harmlessly towards the ground. “Enough. Big Dick BD has come to play.” “What?! Did a necromancer get drunk last night or something? How the hell are you alive?!”  BLOOD DEATH ignored the question. “You have my crown, Walt. Best hand it over before things get gay.”  “You act so uncouth around your King. Why should I?” “My balls, that's why.” Heisenwaltuh’s smirk melted off his face. “Tell me, BLOOD DEATH, out of all of my opposers what makes you special? Are you worthy because you were given this crown, or are you crown because you are worthy?” “Well, if all the others banned together and used their combined power to counterclaim me, it would make me sweat.” “But would you lose?” BLOOD DEATH snortled.  “Nah, I'd win.”  He cracked open a cold Four Loko and butt chugged it, launching an energy blast towards Walt within milliseconds of finishing. The King ooo-ah! dodged and tossed his cloak aside. “I think you are forgetting what happened last time, old friend. I don't want to have to bury you twice.” “Oh don't worry Walt, this won't just be a repeat. I plan to take back that crown and reverse all the harm you have done to my home.” Heisenwaltuh snarled. “You speak of this as your home, but I know where you came from. You abandoned me, BLOOD DEATH!” “I had no choice, Walt! You would have died if I tried taking you!” “You don't know that, you never knew that!” Waltuh stomped the ground and broke a massive chunk of marble out of the flooring, kicking it towards BD like an earth bender. BLOOD DEATH jumped out of the way and pulled out a badass looking katana from the newly unlocked voidrealm that the Four Loko gave him access to. “I'm sorry Walt. If I could have prevented this I would.” “Enough. I don't want to talk to you anymore. I've had enough talk from traitors.” Waltuh glared at Skelejesse, who decided to hide behind the thrones to safeguard himself from the fighting. “Very well, Walt. You will have your fight.” BLOOD DEATH charged Walt and Walt did the same. “RAAAAAAH!” “RAAAAAAH!” CLANG-BADOOOOSH When the swords collided, a wave of energy so powerful that it ripped the fabric of reality caused an explosion that tore the castle from it roots. The ground crumbled all around the two Avengers level threats and drew the attention of onlookers below. “Look, it's BLOOD DEATH!” “He's come to save us!” “God he's so hawt.” The crowd looked at the weirdo pony in bewilderment, but soon there was a cheer. “WE LOVE YOU BLOOD DEATH!!!” The Alicorns heart raced as Four Loko-laced adrenaline pumped through his body. The cheers from the ponies below just made him feel even more powerful. There was no doubt he could beat Heisenwaltuh now. There would be no more journeys, no more pissing around in semi abandoned villas. He would reclaim his throne and stop this imposter. “Oh yeah, it's definitely Bloodin' Time.” SURPRISE CLIFFHANGER CUT!!! Millions of miles away, on a large star cruising battleship in the cold of outer space. Thousands of small buttons lit up and turned off, dials wirring and spurting speakers pushed out garbled messages attended to by the staff of the USS John Badass.  A brooding man, no taller than 6 feet, sat in the middle of it all. He could feel the air around him change. Something was different, he could feel it in his balls. “Sir, there has been a universal disturbance!” cried out a lead engineer to his right. “Bring the reading up on the main screen, Corporal.” The screen blipped to life, and readings that blew past the visual charts manifested quickly and dissapeared. The Man would have to rely on the numbers alone, and they looked promising. He could see that far off in the distance there was some sort of rift in the time-space continuum that could have only been caused by the clashing of two great figures. “Yes, yes. I see. Corporal?” “Yes, my President?” “Set course for this planet. I think these beings will provide us with enough power.” The bridge all laughed evil-ey in unison like a weird creepy cult, and the screen faded to black. “President Space Nixon, I think you've found your way home.” The Man said to himself. “Home at last…” DUN FIN DUUHHHN!!!!