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// Rehabilitation 15.3: The Silent Killer of Happiness 
// Story: Harry Potter and the Prancing of Ponies 
// by The Guy Who Writes 
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"Until you can morally criticize your past actions and mean it," said Princess Luna to Starlight Glimmer, "to the satisfaction of someone who can cast this," she tilted her head at her active Patronus charm, "you can hardly hope to cast it yourself."

Starlight Glimmer was frowning. "Morally criticize myself?" she asked uncertainly.

"And mean it."

"But… how do I do that if it's not enough to say that I lied?"

"By examining your emotions. You keep asking what you can do, but what's important is how you feel. Why did you feel justified in stealing the Cutie Marks of others? Why did you feel justified in trying to break up Twilight's friendships?"

"Because she broke up mine FIRST!" Starlight snapped back, and then gasped and covered her mouth. "Sorry," she squeaked in a small voice.

"No, no," said Luna, now looking more lively. "That was very good! It was the most honest you've been all night. Why do you think Twilight broke up your friendship?"

But Starlight was shaking her head. "I don't!" she said hastily. "I mean, not anymore."

"And back comes the filter," Luna said with a sigh. "Sometimes I wish-" she began, then cut herself off, her eyes widening. "Starlight, would you give me a moment? A clever thought occurred to me. It could move this conversation forward by miles."

"Um… okay?"

"Thank you. Pardon me." And then Luna closed her eyes. Her horn glowed in a small trace of what looked to be anti-light, to Starlight's curious fascination.

Riddle, who was watching, recognized that spell. He had taught it to her. But why-

"Can you hear me, my fool?" asked Luna through the Horcrux in his skull.

"I can," he said aloud. "Why are you contacting me this way?"

"I was not sure if you were still busy hiding her Cutie Mark in a remote location."

"Why not use your Patronus?"

"Because I wished for my Patronus to stay here with me and Starlight. It is also not unwise to give this method a live test. If you wish for me to never do this again unless my body ACTUALLY dies and I am in need of actual assistance, I can make that promise."

His perpetual frown turned thoughtful. He considered it. He made his decision.

"No need. For now I don't mind. I will let you know if my preference changes in the future." Like if she tried to take over his body by surprise, a thought which has occurred to him before, all the way back when he first thought to horcrux a part of his own body. Not that he expected her Vow to allow such a thing, nor did he expect her will and magic to prevail against his own if it did. And even if she did win such a battle, he could always abandon the body and escape to his own horcruxes, create a new body, et cetera. "What was the possibly clever thought that came to you?"

"Are you capable of brewing the truth serum you've told me about?"

Hm. That is an interesting thought. "I am, and I am not."

"Beg pardon?"

"I have memorized the recipe, I've brewed it before, and I could easily do it again." He stopped in slight pause for suasive effect. "If I had the proper ingredients."

"…I see. How much of the recipe cannot be found on Equus?"

"Exactly one ingredient, as far as my research has led me to conclude. Or rather, exactly one creature. But even if Joberknolls do perch on this planet somewhere, or even if a replacement ingredient could be found, Veritaserum takes a full Lunar Cycle to brew. It is not something that could be produced on short notice in any case. Unless you sped up the Lunar Cycle manually, assuming that would even work. And if other brewers in other parts of Equestria are relying on the Lunar Cycle in their brewing, such an experiment might have interesting unexpected consequences."

He's had that thought before, and he's always been curious as to whether it would actually work. Quite a few modern potions do rely on the Lunar Cycle, and it's been proven that the phases of the moon actually matter to the recipes. It wasn't just an archaic way of timing longer brews back before clocks had been invented.

"Noted," thought Luna. "Thank you, my scholar."

He blinked at the new moniker. Well, not 'new' per se, but she's never addressed him that way. There was the impulse to say You're welcome, my employer, but he decided not to offer insult or cheek to the first time she addressed him with a somewhat respectable title.

"You are welcome," he said simply.

"It would seem," said Luna out loud on the other side of the one-way wall, "that my clever idea is unworkable after all."

"What was it?" asked Starlight, who had been waiting in silence for a while.

"An artificial means to remove your filter for a time and cause you to speak honestly."

"…You were going to force me to speak honestly?"

"No," Luna answered with firm conviction. "I would have presented you with the option. If you had consented, we would have gone forward from there. If not, we would have done things normally."

Riddle frowned from behind the wall. Isn't this the same pony who unabashedly uses her element to discern when others are lying? Doesn't she and any other wielder of Honesty constantly exude a subtle magical pressure on others to tell the truth? Hasn't she used the threat of force in conjunction with her element to get the truth out of others? Like back when he was in Thorax's body?

And now she's against the idea? Has something changed, or is this another flexible moral guideline that changes based on circumstance?

"…You were going to give me the option to consent to being forced to speak honestly?" Starlight asked.

Is it because Starlight is currently a petitioner seeking aide, not an enemy of the state or a criminal who's currently on trial? Riddle made a mental note and a physical note to ask later. Now that moral quibbles actually matter to his future, it's a habit he has gotten into.

"I've been thinking about it for a while," Luna shrugged, "and one of the curses of a curious mind is the temptation to test one's ideas. The main good use I can see for that bit of magic is to use it as a tool to grant a pony self-knowledge immediately." She shook her head sadly. "But, as with many things clever, it would have been cheating, if it had even been possible. I apologize for the delay, we shall do this the normal way – the way we would have done it with any other petitioner if you did not consent to forced sincerity. May I ask about your past friendship that was broken by Twilight Sparkle?"

What followed from there was, in Riddle's opinion, standard fanfare for modern Equestria, and for Luna's modern Night Court sessions. An incredibly blatant and straightforward story, bordering on cliché, likely arranged by the Mirror itself in order to teach a moral lesson.

More often than not, Riddle feels as though these sob stories are meant for five-year-old girls. He often wonders if the Mirror is mocking him, or if the Mirror is simply informing him that his progress on the 'good' side of the apparently real spectrum of good vs. evil (as evidenced by the existence of the Patronus Charm) is only at the level of a five-year-old. Or perhaps, since he can see through the potential propaganda, and since the lessons don't even stick more often than not, maybe the Mirror is informing him that he isn't even at the level of a five-year-old girl yet.

It's often hard to make moral progress when you suspect that the world around you is literally being manipulated on a granular level for that exact purpose. But even still, he extracted the moral easily enough, by the time Luna got to it. But what really caught his attention was what came immediately afterwards.

"Did you know, Ms. Glimmer," Luna said to Starlight, who at this point had mostly recovered from the emotional highs and lows of sharing her early life story, "That lying itself can be a debilitating addiction?"

The light pink pony shook her head. "It can?"

"Lies provide short-term benefits, and typically come with long term costs. And lying can easily become a habit. Is that not an addiction? A habit with short term benefits and long term costs?"

"I… guess so, Princess," said Starlight, though she didn't sound completely convinced.

"Do you know why addictions come to exist in the first place, Starlight?"

This again? Riddle did not think. In his countless hours of watching Night Court, he has sat through numerous iterations of the same topics, and he never once felt like that was a bad thing. Luna herself was intelligent enough to get incredibly frustrated with repetition, and so she would mix things up between sessions, for her own sake if nobody else's. Not to mention that the same prompts can lead to wildly different results between different petitioners. For instance… 

"I always thought addictions existed because ponies don't know any better when they start, and they're hard to break when they set in," said Starlight, giving an answer that Riddle himself might have given – academic and along the lines of what his mental model of Luna might say. Most other petitioners aren't at that level, and so this will be the first time he sees Luna respond to a half-decent answer, where addiction is concerned.

"Well… that's usually true. But that's not quite why addictions exist in the first place, it's why they often aren't pre-empted, and why they continue existing after they've formed." And every time, she says something interesting. "Young ponies who don't know that fire is hot might get themselves burned once, when they didn't know any better, but that doesn't result in a habit of burning themselves, it usually results in a habit of avoiding fire. I'm asking why a pony would start engaging in self-destructive behavior."

"…Because they don't realize it's self-destructive? You just said most addictions have long term costs."

"That's a big part of it. The more degrees of separation there are between cause and effect, the harder it can be to connect the dots, and time is the one of the biggest causal separators of all, in the minds of most intelligent beings. But ignorance of long-term consequences is only half of the equation. There are many addicts who are not ignorant of the damage they are doing. Do you know the other half of the addiction equation?"

"…The short-term benefit? You said that too."

Luna nodded. "I did. To cut to the chase, addictions form because they feel good. And I know this is going to come as a terrible shock, Ms. Glimmer, but feeling good is a big part of the Equinoid condition. Addictions have been used across the history of the Equinoid races to cope with the difficulties of life. You'd be surprised how much of ancient Equestria, and how much of modern Gryffonia… and how much most of the Equinoid world was built upon the back of alcohol addicts. Do you know why I'm mentioning this, Starlight?"

"Um… no?"

"I'm mentioning it so that, hopefully, you will keep in mind that nopony is exempt from what I'm about to say. Not me, not my sister, not you, and not anypony else throughout history. Okay?"

"…Okay."

"Do you believe you are addicted to anything, Miss Glimmer?"

"I never thought I was."

"Addicts are low-status, correct?"

"Of course."

"And you view yourself as high-status, right?"

Starlight was silent, but even without speaking, it was clear that the question very much bothered her.

"Sometimes, Miss Glimmer, it's as simple as that."

There was another stretch of silence.

"Are you sure?" asked Starlight quietly.

"Yes."

"Can you… explain why you're sure?"

"Here is my evidence, Miss Glimmer, and please stop me if any of it sounds wrong. An obese pony lies to others or himself about how much he eats, most of the time. The addiction there is to sugar, or to food, or to the feeling of satiety. An obsessive spender will lie to herself about her spending habits. She cannot stand to so much as look at a document detailing her poor purchases, to have her spending pointed out to her as the unnecessary behavior that it is." Luna's horn glowed, and a magical mirror appeared behind her. It was not the Mirror, but it was a magical mirror. Luna gazed into it, and reflected within was Nightmare Moon. There was sorrow in her voice as she said, "An arrogant mare, addicted to her own image of herself, addicted to pride and self-flattery, will lie about any true facts that make her look bad. Most crucially of all, she will never admit to being addicted to anything, because that would certainly make her look bad." The mirror disappeared, and Luna turned around to face Starlight again. "Wherever constant lies are involved, Ms. Glimmer, there is often addiction to be found nearby, and addictions often overlap. You were constantly lying in the village, therefore you were probably addicted to something. Something big. Does that make sense?"

"Yes." Starlight at least looked like an attentive student might.

"Now before I offer my own thoughts, do you know what you might be addicted to?"

"…To lying itself?"

"Perhaps," said Luna. "But remember, addictions overlap. Lying is typically tangential to the true addiction. Lying is the enabler, the cover. Do you have any other ideas for what you might have been addicted to?"

She didn't.

"Have you ever heard the term 'workaholic' before, Miss Glimmer?"

"Oh, I've been called that all the time."

Luna smiled. "I'm not surprised. You are a very productive pony, Miss Glimmer." Her smile dimmed. "But that comes with its own risks. When it comes to productivity in the political realm in particular… well, political action is one of the most addictive kinds of work out there. It gives the feeling of authority over others, it feels important, it feels morally righteous, and it can lead to lots of attention and praise when things go well. Perhaps the political actor truly believes in the cause, and perhaps the cause is indeed a noble one. But even if that were the case, it's all too easy to become addicted to power. And addictions are always used to distract and abstract from the painful problems in one's personal life. Always. Does that match your own experiences, Ms. Glimmer? In your own life, and as you've witnessed in others?"

Riddle didn't much pay attention to the hesitant answer, nor to the three or four times that Luna had to iterate and rephrase until Ms. Glimmer verbally accepted the insight. He didn't even bother dwelling too much on how Luna was obviously softening the blow a lot by saying Starlight is addicted to something that is itself flattering. Starlight views 'workaholic' as a compliment, after all. (He didn't bother dwelling on this because, in part, it also helped his own mind accept the critique more quickly.)

Instead, Riddle asked himself what painful thing he had been avoiding, what problems he had been abstracting himself from, back during his time as Voldemort. It was a difficult question to answer when his mind kept on trying to insert the false answer of 'I was avoiding the pain of terror that the world will end.' It didn't sound correct even to his own internal ear, he knew it was just another way of phrasing his justifications. He wasn't avoiding the terror of Armageddon, he was addressing it. So that can't be the answer of what he was actually avoiding.

After a few minutes of drawing a blank, eventually the session with Starlight progressed forward, thankfully in the exact direction he was hoping it would. 

"Do you know what painful thing you were avoiding in your personal life, Ms. Glimmer?"

"My… past?" she asked hesitantly.

"Not quite. Emotional pain might have started in the past, but once you have distanced yourself from your old life entirely, the pain only ever continues into the present because your current behaviors perpetuate that painful past. Everypony responds differently to trauma, but the shadows of those responses often stay with us for decades. We adopted behaviors in order to cope with traumatic circumstances, and we failed to change our habits of behaviors after the circumstances were no more. It's these current habits that are currently causing you pain. Unless you have not left the traumatic circumstances, but I'm not sure that applies in your case. I'm asking if you know what current behaviors of yours, or perhaps current mindsets, are painful?"

"Not having a Cutie Mark," Starlight said sourly.

"Before that," said Luna easily. "It would be something that applied to you before you were caught. Most likely it is something that you were feeling before you even began your career as village leader."

After a long pause, Starlight said she couldn't see it.

"Would it be fair to say," said Luna, "that you were lonely when your friend left, Ms. Glimmer?"

"Completely fair," said Ms. Glimmer without hesitation.

"Would it be fair to say," said Luna, "that even after you began engaging in politics, you were still… intellectually lonely? That there was nopony else on your level?"

"Yes." Again, no hesitation.

"Would it be fair to say that, while you had many acquaintances, you had no truly close and deep friends?"

There was a brief pause to think, and then, "Yes, that's fair."

"Then here is my hypothesis: the painful thing you were avoiding in your personal life was the deep-rooted pain of loneliness and isolation. Does that match?"

After another pause, Starlight began nodding. "Yes. It does. But I wasn't avoiding my loneliness with the village, I was fixing it.

"If only it were that easy," said Luna. "If the pain could truly be fixed that way, Starlight, I would still be Nightmare Moon. She had more admirers and servants and followers than I do to this day. But she was never happy."

Riddle could actually see that argument get to Starlight.

Luna continued speaking. "Those who belong to a social species are not meant to be alone for extended periods of time. You and I were both supplementing our feelings of loneliness by surrounding ourselves with ponies. Being admired, being respected, being at the top of the social ladder… all of that delivered happy feelings to our minds. Just as being in the reverse position is now delivering unhappy signals to your mind. Correct?"

"Yes…" said Starlight skeptically. "You feel the same way?"

"It was difficult at first, but my current position is not currently delivering unhappy signals to my mind." She tilted her head at her Patronus. "Quite the opposite, in fact." Luna paused, seeming to think for a while. "Status, respect, praise, admiration, political power – using these to fill the emptiness inside is like trying to cure an amputation with a band-aide. Your wound was loneliness and isolation, and you tried to fill that hole in your soul with acquaintanceship. Think back to your time as village leader, Ms. Glimmer, and ask yourself: Could you have cast this charm-" she tilted her head at her Patronus "-with your happiness, at that time, using those happy feelings?"

Starlight was frowning, now, even as Riddle knew the answer. "Yes?"

Luna shook her head. "When you know more of the Patronus, you will know that the answer to that question is a firm 'no'. Surface level happiness is not enough for this charm. You need deep love and true caring. From another and for another, in a way that can't be faked. Did you receive deep love and true caring from anypony in the village, Miss Glimmer?"

A depressed voice said, "I thought I did."

"But it turned out not to be real, correct?"

"Correct," said Starlight, a bit acerbically.

"Just as the claims you made to them turned out not to be real?"

Starlight scowled. She looked down at her hooves

Luna took another long pause to think. Then, eventually, she said, "I think that is more than enough for today. I will leave you with this final insight, and I would like you to dwell on it. I will then give you homework. Okay?"

"Okay, Princess," said Starlight.

"Loneliness is like an abortionist." The purple-pink pony's eyes widened, but Luna spoke on. "It is the silent killer of your future happiness that hasn't even been born yet. While you were alone, love could not be birthed within you, you were not truly happy."

There was a long pause.

"Okay," said Starlight. "What's my homework?"

"Learn the casting procedure of this charm – Twilight will help you with that – and try to cast it using whatever happy thoughts you can. You will get a feeling of 'not right' for the thoughts you try. Don't worry, it's a normal part of learning the spell, everypony goes through it. I would like you to try casting the spell with as many different happy thoughts as you can, until you are familiar with that 'not right' feeling."

"Okay, Princess." And Starlight Glimmer departed the chamber.

As Riddle watched her go, he reflected on his own past actions and mindsets, trying to extract the general lesson of what he had just seen.

Had he really become a Dark Lord and surrounded himself with followers because, fundamentally, he was born into a social species and he was isolated and alone in his adult life?

Obviously it wasn't his conscious and deliberate reason, but the fact that he had violated his rules by extending the game with Dumbledore for emotional reasons even he couldn't see until long after the fact was proof that he hadn't been as immune to his own subconscious as he'd believed.

Voldemort had been the least annoying role he had ever played, and the reason for that was that he was finally, finally surrounded by people – surrounded by people ­– who thought like he did. Who could see the world like he did, at least in part, and they saw that he was incredibly competent in that particular way of thinking. Even if he had to force it into them through torture and the threat of death, he got them to understand his perspective. As much as ordinary idiots could understand what little of it he was willing to reveal. Furthermore, he was playing the game against Dumbledore, which was not unlike a social interaction with a mind that was on par with his own. That, too, did something to fill a void that a deep part of him wanted to fill, even if it was a strategic error to waste years in drawing out the war.

In a recent Night Court session, Luna had remarked that when you are cynically unraveling your own personal, unknown, emotional motivations, you shouldn't latch on to the first explanation you hear that sounds possibly correct. And so Riddle would stew on this one for a while.

And he would eventually conclude that, yes, loneliness and intellectual isolation was something like a dull background pain to which he thought he had grown numb long ago, and yes, that pain might have been a contributing factor to his stint as a Dark Lord.

The first thought that followed this insight was that he was adhering to his list of 37 rules. Consciously violating those rules for emotional reasons would have been a strategic error. But wise or not, those rules were making him unhappy. Had been making him unhappy for a long time. The rules might not have been the initial cause of his unhappiness, but they enforced an existing state of mind; they prevented him from acting in any way that would have led the young Tom Riddle to true happiness. 

…

And with nowhere else to take that train of thought, he would then realize that his own mind had distracted him from the initial insight that led him down that chain of reasoning:

Loneliness is like an abortionist. It is the silent killer of your future happiness that hasn't even been born yet.

His own mind really doesn't like dwelling on that, does it?