Oprah -- or Ms. O, as was her title -- was the living equivalent of a hot flame, without the hypnotic flickering that drew people to her. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. She had a reputation for being tyrannical, quick to anger, and still having the cuteness to win over agents and clients alike. An epitome of beauty with a temper that, going by what her job was, seemed normal on all accounts. Did it scare her coworkers? Maybe some of the newbies. But it gave them a good taste of what some Odd Squad Directors were like and helped to build experience.
Having the doors that separated the tube lobby and the Trophy Room closed on her for a second time, she let out a string of curses that were all over the map in terms of time periods. No one here knew what "egg-sucker" meant unless they lived as long as she had, and even then, Olive was the only agent she suspected of having a prolonged lifespan. (Really, though, "egg-sucker" was more of an insult for resident "I can eat a dump truck full of food in one sitting" Otto. And as far as she was aware, he had never heard of the term in his life.)
"Okay." She balled up her fist, smacked it against the palm of her other hand, let her fingers grip the fist, and gave it a few soft twists. The bubbles that had formed on her bones inside popped in such a way that one would be hard-pressed to figure whether she had broken her fingers or not, but to her, was a harmonious song all the same.
It had been so long since she had gotten to punch something. What better day than her birthday to do it again?
"Once I get out of here, I'm gonna see exactly what in the hell is going o-"
A whirring sound made her sharply turn around. Down Tube 2, in a clear transparent sphere -- which was a clear indicator that the guest was no agent in any department -- came someone, or something, that she couldn't recognize. It was curled up in a ball, naturally, and boasted purple hair with a cyan streak running down it. She squinted, trying to figure out exactly what this thing was and why it had to share a room with her.
The sphere split in two, both ends retracting to the top and the bottom. Stumbling to and fro was none other than...
"A unicorn?" Correction: "An alternate dimension unicorn?"
"Ugh...what happened?" The unicorn shook her head. "One minute I'm spying on Twilight, and the next I'm..."
Silence. The staring contest began its first, and only, round.
"...here. With-"
"A human. You're with a human." Oprah remarked dryly. "Bipedal creatures. You've probably never heard of them."
The unicorn had an equally-dry wit to match. "Can't say that I have."
In her opponent's eyes, Oprah could see the gears turning. The pupils widening in realization. Her body went rigid, just on sheer instinct. Who knew what this equine was planning? And if anyone had told her she looked harmless, Oprah would have shut them down on sight, and then cited the regular dress code for Odd Squad's bad-guy gallery that was as far removed from "regular" as one could get. Not that this unicorn had a dress code, but she still certainly looked odd enough to qualify.
"What's your name?"
"Oprah." She didn't feel a need to recite her occupation. There were better ways to flex dominance over enemies than telling them you were the boss-girl of a quasi-government organization's Toronto branch.
The unicorn put on a devious smile. "Starlight Glimmer. A pleasure." She took a tentative step forward. "Tell me something. Do you think you're...better than everypony else?"
"Are you my therapist?"
"Just answer the question."
Oprah had to refrain from remarking "whatever gets me punching you faster". She didn't want a conversation. If she wanted a conversation she'd go back to the auto shop. She rolled her eyes. "No. I don't."
"Hmm, good." Starlight's tail swished back and forth slightly. "And do you have a cutie mark?"
"A what?"
"A cutie mark."
Oprah's brows furrowed. "I don't know what that is."
"My, you are quite clueless, aren't you?" Starlight turned, showing her right side to Oprah. Her hoof pointed to her flank. "You see that mark? That is known as a cutie mark."
"Yeah, news flash: we don't have those here."
"You don't?"
"No."
Instead of disappointing Starlight, the revelation caused her smile to grow wider. "I see. In that case, I suppose I could just take you along with me..."
Not wanting to imagine the horrors of where this unicorn came from, Oprah snorted. "Over my dead, cold, mole-maggot-infested body."
"Fine. Then I'll take you back by force. And together, we can deliver fair retribution to Twilight Sparkle and her pathetic friends for taking away everything i ever had!"
Those first few words were like a pyromaniac seeing a fire. Oprah could feel the adrenaline coursing through her. Now, finally, she could have a real fight. This wannabe-tough-gal unicorn was already grating on her nerves. Now was her chance to get rid of her.
Starlight reared back and fired a beam from her horn, leaving Oprah with nothing to do but dodge. Immortal as she was, having the body of a seven-year-old with the stamina to back it up would work well to her advantage over a mare whose wrinkles she could see in the eyes, even if said mare was more keen on using magic to fight. Which was perfectly okay, because Oprah had her own special brand of magic.
Gadgets were, by their very definition, magical. They weren't necessarily enchanted by the Scientists that made them, but Oscar, who effectively kickstarted the Science position, knew his way around a wrench, a screwdriver, and a motherboard in the shape of a snowflake. The gadgets worked in complete tandem with the science-defying universe, with powers ranging from trapping someone in a block of ice to sending them somewhere outside of the Milky Way. The possibilities were infinite -- there were ten thousand gadgets and counting. Oprah was confident that was far many more spells than Starlight had in her arsenal, even if she herself only carried a few gadgets on her person.
Reaching behind her back and taking out a gadget, she looked up to find a half-dome of magic lasers aimed right at her. A wry smile formed on her face as she tucked the gadget under her armpit and grabbed her collar with both hands instead. "Amateur hou-"
The explosion rocketed through the tube lobby and leaked into the Trophy Room, stopping just short of the doors separating that and the bullpen. For this precinct, explosions was normal. What wasn't normal about this one in particular was that there wasn't a scream accompanying it.
Because Oprah remained entirely unharmed.
Starlight's eyes widened. "How...what did y- aah!"
The beams, small in size but grand in power, hit her dead-on. She stumbled backwards, ending up with her rump planted against the doors.
"I don't know if this would classify as heartburn. Normally clients show me cardiology exams." Oprah squinted. "Did I get you in the heart? It's hard to tell over the smoke."
Starlight clutched her chest with a hoof, popping open one eye to glare at her opponent. "How dare you." she snarled. "Using a mirror to reflect my magic?"
"I don't wear the suit just because it's Odd Squad dress code."
To Oprah's utter lack of surprise, this only served to enrage Starlight further. Removing her hoof from her chest, the unicorn reared back and charged up her horn again for another blast. This one was one Oprah couldn't dodge as quickly, nor could she weaponize a counterattack in time. As a result, the beam hit her in the chest, encasing her in solid purple crystal and leaving nothing moving but her eyes.
"Honestly, I should have tried that spell from the get-go." Starlight rubbed her chest again before advancing slowly towards Oprah. "You're an annoying little brat, for sure. But I can sense power within you. Lots of power. You're certainly nothing like Twilight and the rest." In true villain fashion, she began pacing around the frozen Director, who looked on with nothing but burning malice. "Come with me, Oprah. Help spread my message of equality to Equestria. A...'human' such as yourself would be perfect in sending Twilight for a whirlwind."
Oprah didn't say anything. Not that she could. She definitely wanted to. But for now, she was content with waiting for Starlight to return to being in front of her as she tuned out the horned quadruped's monologuing.
"The only question is, how would I get back to Equestria from here? I could teleport, but who knows if that would work here without conseque-"
Starlight was cut off by a magic beam. This one, however, was not one of her own that happened to backfire. As she stumbled backwards and shook her body out to keep herself steady, it became clear to her that the attack came from inside the crystal, which began developing cracks that spread outward like an elaborate spiderweb.
Not all too familiar with being trapped in crystal -- there weren't all too many villains with that as a stock-in-trade -- Oprah collapsed to the ground with a grunt, attempting to get any shards off of her body by any means necessary, whether that was by brushing them off her jacket or shaking her legs out to dispel them from her skirt. She rose to her two feet in record time, giving an irritated huff. "You're lucky I don't charge you five Jackalope Dollars for a new uniform. Can't you trap me in something less messy?"
If one listened hard enough, they could probably hear Starlight's molars cracking from how hard she was gritting her teeth. "You insolent...just come with me!"
"Why?"
Starlight stared with a look of disbelief. "I already told you why! So you can help me spread equality all across Equestria, to all the ponies of the land! Nopony should be above anypony else! It's the rule of nature!"
"The rule of...'Equestria's' nature, perhaps." Like a fine sip of wine, Oprah tasted the foreign name on her tongue. And like a fine sip of wine, she decided she hated it. "But not the rule of Earth's nature. Or Canada's nature. Or Odd Squad's nature. Or the nature of the Robot Prin-"
"SILENCE!"
This time around, Oprah was able to dodge the beam that shot out of Starlight's horn, realizing that she could use her trusty shield instead of darting around like an idiot but also realizing that it took a lot more than "pew-pew laser shot at you and makes contact" time to whip it out, utter the "shields up for Odd Squad" phrase, and play defense.
"You realize I could end this right now if I really wanted to?"
"How?" Starlight began to slightly quiver with rage. "By actually following my orders?"
A scoff. "No, of course not. You should be lucky I'm even talking to you, let alone obeying your every whim..."
Oprah trailed off. She came up with an idea. A wicked, awful, send-Maintenance-to-do-Transportation's-work idea. If Starlight was asking how she could get back to Equestria from here, Oprah could answer that handily. The only problem was that it would eliminate punching. But maybe Equestria was one of those worlds where this unicorn was the leader, meaning that if she arrived back injured, her cronies would come. That would give Oprah ample opportunity to show off.
...No, actually, on second thought, she wanted to punch this unicorn. No mercy.
"Tell you what." She went over to the control panel for the tubes. "I'll come back with you. It would be nice to see this 'Equestria'. Maybe I could get the Big O to build a whole new Odd Squad precinct on it. Focused only on mathematics! No language, no arts, and God, please, nothing in STEM, bleaugh. And you could lead it alongside me! Make it truly..." A small smile began to form. "...equal."
It was like telling a dog that you had a treat. "Really?" Starlight blinked, her tone full of hope and relief. "B-but you were so opposed to it earlier!"
"Yes, I was. But to tell you the truth, I've been trapped in here for millennia. There were..." Oprah bit her lip. "...people, beyond these doors. People like me. But they're dead and gone now. And I haven't been able to get out since." She clasped her hands together, squeezed her eyes shut, and then opened them to perform one of the finest shows of puppy-dog eyes she had ever put on. Which wasn't saying much, because she didn't usually resort to begging to get what she wanted. But it would net her good points with Starlight, and so puppy-dog eyes it was.
"Goodness, that's awful." Starlight pointed to the tubes. "Why didn't you just climb up here?"
For Oprah to say "I'm too weak and frail" would be a slight against both the powers-that-be and Odd Squad for having such a pathetic Director in their ranks. It would also make her about as sickening as her opposite in the mirror she looked at in the bathroom every day, and so she decided to try a new method, putting away the puppy-dog eyes to her relief. "They're out of service."
"But-"
"They can bring others down. They can't send them up."
Starlight stared at the tubes. "Hm." She pivoted towards the doors separating Oprah from the rest of Headquarters. "And you've tried these doors?"
Oprah shuffled from side to side, in an effort to find just the right angle to sock Starlight into the second tube. The unicorn was horizontal, the tube vertical. But the latter was just wide enough for a horse of her size to land in. Hopefully. Oprah frankly didn't have the time nor the will to do any math, and she was inside of a crackfic anyway. Any edutainment was off the table, with apologies to Sara DeWitt.
"Yeah. Just to be a...friend, though, could you do me a little favor?"
It wasn't the best one-liner. But it'd do.
Oprah put her right foot back, pulled her fist in, and let it fly towards her opponent's side. It made direct contact, sending Starlight flying towards Tube 2, where she bounced off of the sturdy plastic material that made it up and landed on her side.
The unicorn grunted as she tried to crane her head towards Oprah as best she could. "Aah...h-hey, what are you doing?!"
With a grin, Oprah made her way to the control panel. "I've been trapped in here for millennia. I'm not about to let my fighting skills get rusty."
Starlight coughed, her voice becoming raspy. "Are you serious?! You just agreed to go with me!"
"Did I?" Oprah glanced to her left, tapping a square-shaped button to her left that connected to the second tube. "Preparing to squishinate!"
"S- I'm- what?"
"Oh yeah, one more thing. When you get back to 'Equestria', you might find your organs mixed up. I'm sure there are medical professionals who can fix that or whatever."
"Wait, what do you mean by 'squishina'-"
"Squishinating!"
"Wait! Wait!! TWILIGHT SPA-"
Like two loaves of a sandwich, the bottom and the top structures came down over Starlight, trapping her in a transparent sphere and forcibly curling her body into a ball.
The last thing Oprah heard was a scream that she could place at either "screw you" or "I'm in pain and hurtling back to my homeworld at extremely fast speeds". She didn't know, and she didn't care. She had gotten some fighting in, and that was good enough.
But she wanted more. She wanted someone who could really put up a fight. God sakes, if that unicorn really did have minions, Oprah hoped they showed themselves, and soon. And she hoped they had power levels well above their boss. She needed an equal or superior, not an inferior.