Oh, it’s you again. So, you’ve decided to come crawling back here? Even after I told you straight to get lost earlier? Huh.
Can’t say I blame you. Big Brother isn’t exactly the most interesting of characters to follow around (and I should know, I’ve tried it plenty of times). He barely leaves the house as it is, and when he does it’s usually just to have a cigarette outside or buy some beer from the off-licence around the corner.
I keep trying to tell him both of those are bad for the body along with his lack of exercise, but he never listens to me. I even described the anti-smoking film they showed us in class with a graphic close-up of a diseased lung being removed and everything, but all he did was roll his eyes and tell me to ‘go preach at the church if that’s what I want to do’.
Humph. Not very nice, eh? I was only telling my brother I don’t want him to die young. What’s wrong with that? If he ends up on life support in hospital with drips connected everywhere and bleeping sounds, he’ll only have himself to blame. I certainly won’t go to his funeral and cry a lot and give a big moving speech and drop flowers on his grave…
Well, actually I would but don’t you dare tell him I said that. If I find out you did, I’ll deny everything. Then won’t you look stupid?
Anyway, can’t we take a break from The Darren Show for just a few minutes? I wanna tell you what’s been happening at Sugarcube Corner while you’ve been keeping Mr Bossy company, and let me tell you… it’s been great.
In fact, better than great… stupendous, even! I learned that word from my teacher when she was grading my… well, someone else’s essay on The Impact Of Global Warming. As I may have mentioned before, I absolutely hate Mrs Truncheon, but I won’t lie and say she doesn’t know a lot of big words. Wonder if that dictionary she swallowed tasted good?
Here’s another term that I heard from her which describes the last few minutes really well; it’s been an unqualified success. You don’t really care who’s Science Fair project she was talking about then, do you? What? You do?! …Fine, have it your way. It was Florian Hughes, you know; my once-bestie-turned-deadliest-rival. I ask you, who cares about the melting polar ice caps? I don’t even like penguins! Or Eski… ‘Inuits’ come to think of it.
Look, if you’ve just returned expecting to hear me dish the dirt on Darren and that smug freckled b*tch, you can save your breath. I want to focus on the positive for a change. You see, ever since arriving in this snug little cafe and chatting with these lovely three ponies, it turns out they’re even nicer in real life than they are on my iPad screen! Unbelievable, amiright?
The only reason I stepped away for a second from their charming company is to get a refill on this milkshake. Did you realise that they’re free here? If you said ‘yes’, then you’re a liar, so don’t talk to me. Just another little detail they didn’t include in the canon of the show. Fascinating, dontcha think? But annoying that I have to stand on this stool just to reach the machine. The sooner I have a growth spurt, the better.
So yeah, there now follows a brief description of what’s happened so far. I’ll try not to take up too much of your precious time, because you must be desperate to get back to my brother…
What, you think I’m trying to get rid of you already? Not at all.
Just… try not to embarrass me too much, yeah? Ty!! xx
*****************
“So… sorry, what did you say your name was again..?”
“You can call me ‘Spike’, Rainbow Dash. It’s so cool to finally meet you!! Even if you are a bit smaller than I thought you’d be. I suppose that’s where the ‘Little’ in ‘My Little Pony’ comes in. Sorry about my crazy brother… erm, sister earlier, but you know how they are.”
“Actually, Sugarcube, my brother is the hardest worker on the farm! I don’t know how we’d run the place without him. So they’re not all…”
“Oh yeah Applejack, I guess not all family is bad. Big Mac is definitely… big. Bigger than RD, anyway. *Burp* Yum, these shakes are just as delicious as they appear in the show… um, window. Hey, I just thought of something! You just called me ‘Sugarcube’... and we’re at Sugarcube Corner!! What are the chances?!”
“...Yes Darling, very amusing. Anyway, onto other matters. First things first, and I hope you don’t think this is too personal a question, but I wish to inquire…”
“Hold on a sec, Rarity.” I reached over the table for the last piece of strawberry shortcake before anypony else could grab it…
…Accidentally spilling the unicorn’s own steaming hot foamy latte all over her while doing so. Oops.
“O-Oh dear, sorry about that. But look at this way; your drink was kinda white, and you’re white, so I can barely see the stains on your fur. Isn’t that lucky??”
For some reason, my kind attempts at calming Rarity down didn’t quite work, and it was through an intense atmosphere of shrieking and shouting (in the politest possible way, naturally) that Rainbow Dash spoke next in a raised voice so she could be heard.
“Why is your ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ a pony? How do you know so much about all of us? What are you doing in Ponyville? How did you drink that chocolate shake in less than ten seconds?! You even broke my record…”
“Geez, one question at a time! This is just as bad as being at school.” Despite my everlasting and unlimited love of Rainbow Dash and all things connected with her, I did think she was being a bit pushy atm. “I, uh… there are perfectly reasonably logical answers to all those questions, but first…”
“ ‘First’, what?” A somewhat distracted Applejack was tending to Rarity’s (massively over-the-top overreaction IMHO) slight burns, so she wasn’t even looking at me when she said that. Rude!
“...I need to get another milkshake. Maybe I can drink this one in five seconds.” I nudged Rainbow Dash as I got up with a wink, before strolling over to the counter to talk to Mrs Cake…
…And I guess now you’re up to date. See ya under the stars!!
**********************
Hmm, apparently Pinkie isn’t here today; she ‘has something big planned’. As if I didn’t know what that was… hey, what did I say before about reading my mind? Cut it out! Go and play with Darren instead if you’re into that sort of thing…
Hang on, though. That would suggest he had a mind to read in the first place(!)
Hee-hee, I crack myself up! I must be the funniest dragon in the…
“...Probably the most unfunny dragon in the whole of Equestria. Very full of himself. And so uncouth, too!”
I stopped in my tracks about five yards from our table, hearing none other than Rarity cuss me out in public.
Hmm. She obviously hadn’t seen me approach the table again, and is being horrible about me behind my back. Like, who gives a hoot about what Worst Pony thinks? She’s just mad ‘cos I spilt a bit of coffee on her. Get over it already!! (I still wanna know what ‘uncouth’ means though).
“...Always interruptin’, doesn’t listen to anythin’ anypony says, talkin' absolute codswallop and my pigs have got better table manners…”
Ouch. Coming from honest Applejack, that stings a bit more. I thought I’d left a better impression than that, but apparently not. At least if RD still likes me, the other two can kiss my scaly, purple…
“Did you see how desperate he was to hang out with us? What a wannabe! Saying I was too ‘little’; he should try looking in the mirror sometime. And boasting about drinking a milkshake fast! How sad and pathetic can you…”
I couldn’t take anymore. I dropped the drink I carried on the floor and ran out in tears, unable to quite believe the outright social rejection I’d just experienced at the hooves of my idol.
Everypony here hates me… most of my friends back home do too… I hardly ever see Mum, and D-Dad... w-what have I done wrong to deserve this… oh heck, I know you’re reading my thoughts again… but what does it matter? Nothing matters any longer…
I was just about to collapse in the open road out of pure despair, perhaps hoping something would run me over to put me out of my misery (wishful thinking, the traffic around here is non-existent) when the image of a dopey yet lovable idiot popped into my head once more.
Big Brother. For all his faults (and there are many) at least he always cheers me up when I’m feeling down, helps me out of a spot when I need him the most, and best of all…
“If he’s got something bad to say about me, he’ll say it to my face!” That was the deciding factor. I wiped my tears away and made off for the path where I’d last abandoned him.
“Darren, I mean Twilight Sparkle, I mean… oh whoever, where are you? I forgive you for treating me so horribly earlier! I won’t even ask to ride you again, or make fun of you for not having a thingie any longer. Come bbaacckk!!”
Tell you what, go on ahead and if you see him… give me a shout, ‘kay?
Thanks. Smell ya later! ^^
*************************
“Did you see that purplish figure runnin’ outta the cafe higgledy-piggledy cryin’ their eyes out, Rarity? That looked just like…”
“It was Spike, darling. Good riddance, is all I can say. After burning half my skin off and drowning my boutique with his unicorn friend, I’ll be glad to see the back of them.”
“Still doesn’t give us any answers as to where he came from and stuff though, does it? Plus, I wonder what he was so upset about. Hope he didn’t hear us trashing him… maybe we overdid it… he did seem like a fan of mine, after all...”
Rainbow Dash’s retrospective remorse was halted by Mrs Cake, who was agitatedly waving a large ‘WANTED’ poster in her hoof that Derpy had just dropped on her rounds.
T-That teensy-wincy dragon who I just spoke to and was sitting at your table… I think it might be the same one…”