“I hate rain,” I mumbled under my breath as heavy drops soaked my fur, mane, and feathers. The air was heavy, the clearing bleak, and the cloud underneath me cold and wet.
“Me too,” said Selena as she sat down next to me.
Without looking at her, I scoffed, my mouth twisting into a scowl. “What do you want?” Why was I even mad at her?
In the corner of my eye, she recoiled, then took a deep breath. “I… heard you lost a friend. I wanted to keep you company.” She sounded so genuine, so hurt, that I almost gave in. At my lack of reaction, she sighed. “I can leave, if you would prefer.”
I wanted her to. I wanted her away. I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. But I didn’t want to be alone. Hades, why was I even mad at her? How had she hurt me? I couldn’t even remember her name when I had gone to bed!
I blinked. Realisations flooded in. Puzzle pieces fell into place as her spell broke and long-hidden truths were dragged into the daylight.
“Oh yeah,” I snapped, “keep me company so that you can continue to spout empty platitudes while everypony else suffers?” I turned to her and jabbed her chest. “You could have actually helped me. Instead, all you ever do is talk philosophy or whatever!”
She blinked, at a loss for words. “What do you mean?” Yet her eyes betrayed her understanding.
“Don’t play dumb with me! You knew! You knew so much, didn’t you? You knew I was nothing more than Aurora’s slave, no matter what she called me. You knew about Arawn. You knew about the viscount! You knew he was a murderous, vicious monster that needs to be put down! And you knew about the prisons! You knew. You knew, you knew, you knew!”
Did she really? Or was I just hoping to justify lashing out against her? What did it matter? She’d hurt me. Nothing she did was well-intentioned.
I was panting and crying, furious and desperate. “Tell me, if you’re so bloody kind, why did I never remember you? You were scared I’d figure you out if you let me think about it while awake, weren’t you? Or are you maybe gonna claim it wasn’t your doing? I don’t know what you want from me, but I won’t be your plaything!” My wings flared out as I reared.
Selena tried to wear her usual understanding, gentle smile, but not even that could hide the hurt in her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She averted her gaze, and soon turned away entirely. “I’ll leave you be.”
She started walking away, but with my rage vented, my heart ached. “Wait…”
She looked at me, but I didn’t manage to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry,” I muttered.
Why couldn’t I stay mad? Why was I so weak? Damn me and my soft heart.
“I understand.” For a moment, there was only the sound of rain. Then, she sat next to me. “Life has not been easy on you.”
“This ain’t about me…” I huffed, a bitter scowl on my face. “Last time I checked, I was still alive.”
“That does not mean your life is easy. It is…” She hesitated to continue, but shook her head. “It is part of why I have hidden the truth from you. I did not want to risk you suffering more than you already had.”
“In other words, you bloody took pity on me,” I muttered, unable to keep my hurt pride out of my voice. Shifting away, I turned to face her, water running down my cheeks.
Selena’s ears folded back. “I did, and for that I apologise. But… when you talked about everything with such hopeful eyes, I did not want to take it away from you.” She grimaced. “I should have known better. I failed you, Silverstring, and for that I am sorry.” After a heavy moment of silence, she added, “You didn’t deserve any of this, and certainly not being left in the dark.”
I scoffed. “But I do. I’m a horrible pony. I got dozens, if not hundreds of ponies killed, but I sit here, wallowing in self-pity.” Staring at the ground, I gulped. “Worst of all, I was ready to accept their deaths, just like that. I was ready to just bloody say, Oh well, nothing I can do here, and be on my merry fucking way. I changed my Stars-damned mind when I saw the corpse of my friend. The friend I got killed!”
My shout echoed through the clearing, and I found myself panting. “Somehow, she’s more important than hundreds of other ponies. Just because I knew her.” I lay down on the cloud as the raindrops continued to pelt me. “I’m a horrible pony. I deserve everything that happened to me.”
Selena draped a wing over me, shielding me from the rain. “It is completely natural to be affected more deeply by the death of somepony you knew. It happens to everypony. When…” She gulped, furrowed her brow, then shook her head. “When I was young, ponies kept dying around me. Suddenly, ponies I barely knew were gone forever.” She took a moment to gather her thoughts. “I understood the concept, and their deaths saddened me, but most of all, it felt surreal. The idea that I had already seen them for the last time—that there wouldn’t be another—would trot in my head for a few days. Then, I would go back to business.”
“But it’s not the same…” I protested, only for my thoughts to run dry. It was different! But how?
Selena waited for me to elaborate, but eventually continued, “One day, one of the maids died. I had known her since she had started working in the castle as a young mare. She had been the one in charge of the area around my room.” Selena wiped a tear before it could spill. “I would bump into her at night, once or twice every week, and we would chat. I did not even notice as she aged.” She swallowed a sob and forced a steady voice. “Look at me, crying as I try to console you.”
“It’s… it’s okay,” I mumbled, fighting off tears of my own. “I don’t mind hearing about it. How did she die? If I can ask.” I didn’t deserve to forget about everything I’d seen today, yet I could not stop myself from escaping these thoughts.
Selena watched the ground, dozens of paces beneath us, and for a while I didn’t know if she would answer. “Old age. During her funeral, I realised she could have retired a long time ago, but chose to keep working. She did not have many friends, and those she did have, she knew from work.”
“I’m sorry to hear that…”
“It is all right. I have had more than enough time to come to terms with her passing, although her memory brought me to tears.” She paused for a moment, perhaps to reminisce. “You know, for a long time I blamed myself for her death. Maybe if I had talked to her outside of work, she would have lived longer. I was her friend, yet I never reached out to her.”
“That’s not the same!” I shouted. “She wasn’t killed in a blind rage, she chose to continue working!”
Selena gave me a small smile. “I never claimed it was, and I was not trying to insinuate anything.” She turned solemn again. “Tell me, Silver, why do you believe to have caused these ponies’ deaths?”
“I… because I failed to save them. I could have rushed off immediately, instead of waiting for Aurora. I could have tried harder to convince her to do something. I could have been faster. Or picked a better path. Or anything at all.” I slumped. “I failed everypony.” The more reasons I listed, the more I wondered if I was really to blame. No, I had to be. Who else but me?
“I know it doesn’t make sense,” I muttered. “It’s just… I feel like such a hypocrite. I’ve been happily ignoring the horrors of this place, pretending like they weren’t my problem, just ’cause I thought I couldn’t do anything to fix them. Would things be different if I had tried? Can’t help but wonder…” I laid my head on the wet cloud, and sighed. “And now…”
“And now,” said Selena, “you cannot hide from the problem anymore, because somepony you knew was involved.”
I tried to reply, but the words caught in my throat as I suppressed a sob. I gulped. “I’m such a selfish, ignorant idiot…”
“You are not. It is one thing to accept that awful things might happen far away from you. It is another to have a loved one die, especially if you blame yourself. Anypony would react like this.”
I had no reply, only tears. Nothing made sense. I could have saved her. Could I really? I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. Why was it so much easier to blame myself than to accept she was gone? Did part of me believe that, if I shouldered the guilt, she would come back? How stupid.
But then, what else could I do? None of this made sense!
I mumbled, “She deserved better. So much better. She was such a good pony. Caring, wise, kind. So many things I wish I could be.” I choked back another sob, gritting my teeth. “Why am I alive, and Nightshade dead‽” I cried into the empty clearing.
The echoes only made me angrier. “Why is the viscount alive‽” I screamed. He deserved to die more than anypony! “Why is Aurora? Why is Halterdawn? Why are the nobles that let entire villages starve, and why are the kind and loving Princesses dead?” I smashed the cloud below me to bits.
As I fell, my tears followed me, as did the rain. Selena was falling next to me, though her mane and tail remained static, as if she wasn’t moving at all.
“You too are a good pony.” The desperate sorrow in her voice matched my own pleas. Damn it, why did she care? “But you need to accept that you have limits. Even the Princesses made mistakes, and they were thousands of years old! In fact, they made some of the biggest mistakes known to ponykind. They were so grand, so wise and powerful—they were idolised, Silver, worshipped! Both of them. Even with their power and wisdom, they failed. Even together, they still couldn’t save everypony. Not even themselves.”
“But they tried! And they cared! I don’t!” I stopped falling, paces from the ground, and the world froze. Hanging my head, I closed my eyes. “It’s so damn easy for me to ignore the suffering of others. It’s so damn easy to shut it all out, to forget about it. I tell myself I’ll help them when I can, but here I am, only ever thinking about myself and those close to me. If I hadn’t been so bloody selfish and stupid, I would have visited the prisons immediately after arriving, and I would have helped Bloodmoon much sooner.” I clenched my jaw in a last attempt to stop myself from breaking down. “None of this would have happened if I genuinely cared about ponies less fortunate than me, rather than pretending to make myself feel better!”
When I heard her open her mouth, I cut her off. “I’m not wise, either. If I was, I would have known what to do from the beginning. I would have caught on that Halterdawn would betray me. I would have known how to get him not to!”
I spat. “And kind? I’m a snarky, arrogant asshole who always tries to look like the smartest, coolest person in the room. I was nice to Arawn because I found her attractive. How’s that kindness? I wanted to be Shade’s friend because I took pity on her. That ain’t kindness, either!”
Selena cut me off by wrapping her hooves around my neck and withers and pulling me to her. “Hush now, dear Silver.”
Anger and indignation flared, only to be washed away as I started sobbing into her chest. I was a foal again, crying my eyes out in the warm embrace of my mother. She stroked my back and whispered sweet reassurances. Long after I’d lost track of time, I pulled myself out of her hug, sniffling.
Her smile so awfully sad, she whispered, “Please promise me you’ll leave The Tower, Silver, no matter the cost. You too deserve so much better, and this place is eating you up. Day by day, you lose more of yourself. If you stay, you will end up like Nightshade. Or worse, like Aurora.”
The world began to swim, and Selena frowned. “What unfortunate timing; you are waking up. This conversation is far from over, though.”
My fur was still wet with the water I’d splashed on my face. “So, what do you need me to do?” I asked Bloodmoon, forcing a weak smile. I had to do this. I had to side with her.
“We need weapons,” she stated. “Unfortunately, while the nobles could get away with stealing some of the Knights’ arms, that is not an option for us.”
She gave me a moment to interject, but I only replied with an expectant look.
“That leaves us with two options. Steal back the prisoners’ belongings, or find the caches in the old prison layer.” Wasn’t the first the same as stealing from the Knights?
“I can do that. Tell me where to look, and I’m on it.”
She shook her head. “You’re a good fighter, but I wouldn’t send you alone into the depths of that place. You’d be down there for hours.”
I arched a brow. “Then you want me to steal back the prisoners’ weapons?”
Again she shook her head. “I have a contact in one of the noble families, a serf.” My mind conjured up a memory of Shade, telling me about her duties. Then, lying in a pool—I gritted my teeth. “She steals a dozen weapons at once, bundles them, and tosses them over the nearest cliff, which leads straight to one of the old prisons.”
My ears perked up. “Then you want me to fetch that?”
Yet another shake of her head. “Not quite.” Could I really trust her? Her motives were pure on the surface, but—I gritted my teeth. The longer this conversation went on, the more chances for me to change my mind. I didn’t want to change my mind. I had to kill the viscount and everything he stood for. “In fact, I count that pile of weapons as one of the caches we need to find. Once we have enough weapons, I can start sending ponies to fetch more.” With a half-smile, she shrugged, tilting her head. “First, I need a decent stock, though.”
“Then what do I do‽” I snapped, wincing at my outburst. I needed to do something already. I’d sat around long enough.
Bloodmoon frowned. “Sorry, I thought you would want to know the details. I’ll cut to the point, then.” She looked at me, and I nodded. “You’ll fetch a crate my contact recently dropped. I’m pretty sure it’s either in the Nightfang mushroom fields, or in the Fell coal mine.” I blinked. I’d forgotten House Fell owned one of these, though they only rented it to others. “I figured you’d have an easy time getting into both of those, since you’re Aurora’s personal serf.”
I winced at the reminder. I was her slave. She owned me. I’d known for a while, but kept pretending like I was just her assistant. My talk with Bloodmoon, yesterday evening, had ripped that bandage off once and for all.
It had also shown me more of the real Bloodmoon. Given the situation, she had fully dropped the mask, stopped playing games, and told me about her family. They’d held a grudge against the monstrous, murderous viscount for generations, and Bloodmoon had known the rumours were not rumours. She, too, blamed herself for the situation, and had finally decided to take action.
However, while her words painted her plans as selfless and heroic, something had struck me as wrong. She’d talked about improving prisoner lives, freeing those who’d served their sentence, and liberating the serfs.
“Silverstring?” she asked, her eyebrows knitted together and a frown on her mouth.
“I didn’t want to talk about it, but I’m afraid things will go wrong if I don’t.” I sighed. “Bloodmoon, is there something you ain’t telling me?”
She squinted at me. “About what? This mission? Yes, I skipped a lot of details, because—”
“No. About why you’re doing this. I believe you when you say you want to help ponies at the bottom of society, but…” I grimaced, swaying my head. “I think there’s more to it.”
First, Bloodmoon met my eyes, but after a few seconds, she was staring off into the distance, brow furrowed. No immediate rebuttal or lie? How odd. Maybe she hadn’t realised it, like I hadn’t truly realised I was a slave? Or how my concern for others was just a front for my selfishness?
“Oh,” I said. She’d never mentioned her role in any of this, like she’d been avoiding the topic. “You want to use this as an opportunity to move up the social ladder, but you’re not admitting it to yourself.”
She stared at me, wide-eyed. “That’s… that’s not true. The only reason I would want power would be to help those below me.”
“If you say so.” I shrugged. She sounded genuinely convinced by her own words, but I knew better. “Anyway, I’ll get you your weapons.”
She was just like me, which meant I knew what to expect from her.
I trotted along the path between two mushroom fields, the gems strapped to my chest and flanks illuminating everything around me. On the one hoof, it made me stand out. On the other, it allowed me to spot anything that might try to sneak up on me. As unlikely as it would have been in normal times to find monsters this high up, the bloodshed might have stirred something up. Besides, nopony had been here for a while, not since the field had been sown.
Fortunately, I had encountered nothing so far.
Unfortunately, the light also allowed me to spot things I would have preferred not to see, such as the occasional skeleton overgrown with mushrooms. Presumably belonged to an overworked prisoner or serf that had been left to rot.
If not for my crystals’ bright light, I would have remained blissfully unaware of its presence. Perhaps it was for the best, then, since it forced me to acknowledge The Tower’s horrors.
I should have known. All the times Aurora hesitated or acted shifty when she said something. She wasn’t just randomly being awkward, she was actively trying to avoid inconvenient topics. Yet blindly trusting her had been comfortable. Damn it, I should have known. Shade would still be alive if I had.
I should never have trusted Aurora. I shouldn’t trust Bloodmoon, either. She would try to manipulate me, to use me.
Damn it! Only a few hours had passed, and I was already starting to doubt my judgement. What in Tartarus had happened to I know what to expect from her?
Regardless of how trustworthy she was, arming the prisoner rebels would cause a lot of bloodshed. Guards who had done nothing wrong. Prisoners who would be drawn into a fight they might not want. Even many civilian sarosians would get caught in the midst of it all.
I sighed, shook my head, and took to the air. Sweet Sun, was my conviction truly so weak? Guards chose their career themselves, and they chose to keep up the status quo. Sarosians were responsible for the situation to begin with, no matter their excuses. Prisoners who weren’t willing to die for their freedom didn’t deserve it, anyway.
Perhaps that took it a bit far. Was I really stubborn enough to justify ponies’ deaths? All of that had been so insignificant yesterday, or even this morning. Back then, only saving The Tower had mattered, I now wondered… what did it mean to save ponies, if it implied spilling their blood? Was it worth it?
Why did I have to make such a choice? I was just a guard. Damn it, why was it so hard to be true to my desires? I was selfish, wasn’t I? So why couldn’t I sacrifice these ponies to move up alongside Bloodmoon? Why was it so damn hard?
I’d never asked for this. I just wanted to prove myself and become somepony. Now, I finally could… but at what cost?
My thoughts continued to torment me in this endless cycle, only finally broken by a wall, barely illuminated by the crystal on my chest.
This might be where I would find the bundle of weapons. I had to stay sharp.
Fortunately, after a few minutes of flying around the area, I found it, despite my inability to focus. My mind had kept wandering off towards topics I wanted to forget.
The bundle was wrapped in planks held together by rope, which also tied together most of the weapons inside. At first glance, none of them appeared damaged.
I pulled a sheet out of my saddlebags and wrapped it around the bundle, before placing the whole thing on my back and tying it down. The weapons barely rattled, firmly kept in place by the rope. I had wondered how to make it past the guard, but given my collar, it was unlikely he’d bother me about some cloth on my back.
I’d betray Aurora like she’d betrayed me. Like she’d betrayed Shade. Like she’d betrayed everypony killed by the viscount. I’d do things my own way and see results.
Even if it meant spilling ever more innocent blood?
No, I would not allow my conviction to falter due to some necessary deaths. I had to make sacrifices. Everypony had to make sacrifices.
That would make me just like Aurora, wouldn’t it?
But if I didn’t, the viscount would get away with it. He—
Thou seemest uncertain, boy. The alien thought echoed in my mind, uttered like one of mine. Yet I knew. I knew how my fur bristled. I knew the shiver that ran down my spine. I knew the piercing, empty eyes of the skeleton in front of me.
My entire body tensed up, I gritted my teeth, and the skeleton stared. “What do you want‽” I managed to shout.
I would give thee recourse. An option.
“What, a magical solution where nopony gets hurt?” Like I’d believe that.
I would tempt thee not with the impossible. Instead, I shall tell thee of another way out. A means to avoid further trial and turmoil, and regain thy freedom.
I blinked. A way out? I had been here over a year, yet the idea of busting out had never crossed my mind.
There is a passage near the seal, in the abandoned prison layer. It is lost to time for most, yet the Doctor knew of it. Take this path, Silverstring. Take it and save thyself.
Why would I? Why was it suddenly nice to me?
The choice is thine to make; thou alone canst save thy soul.
And then, it was gone, though its words remained.
A way out. A way to avoid taking a part in the bloodshed bound to happen. A way back to normalcy.
Aurora had promised me the same, but what in the Sun’s name did her word mean anymore?
But leaving would be selfish. I would be washing my hooves of the bloodshed to come, but at what cost? I would feel guilty for leaving everypony behind.
Yet the thought hurt less than expected. To leave this accursed tower. To fly through an open sky once more. To breathe dirty but fresh air. To live again. The idea lightened my entire body like a cut ballast rope.
“Fuck The Tower,” I murmured. I chuckled, blinking tears of relief away. None of this was my problem! I could leave. I could leave! My chuckle turned into a laugh, then into a mad cackle, echoing off the walls. It was so simple. So Celestia-damn simple.
I didn’t have to do the impossible. I didn’t have to save anypony who could not be saved. I could live.
Yet a thought remained in the back of my head. Nothing important. I would be free. Free!
I dropped the bundle of weapons, spat at it, and flew up. High in the air, belly up and limbs sprawled, I laughed as I let myself fall like a feather.
I would need to show Arawn this trick when she learned to fly.
My heart dropped into my stomach. Arawn! If I left, she would be alone. And I would be alone as well. I would lose my best friend. I would go back to being a name in a list of trainees.
I gulped, tears running down my cheeks.
I needed to speak to her. Maybe she would leave with me.