Oh my God, oh my God… what do I do now? Wait a second, I’m not religious! And even if there was a ‘supreme being’ up there who decided to deposit me in the middle of this pastel-infused purgatory as part of some sick cosmic joke, I’d probably convert to Satanism!
Surely the eternal damnation of scorching hellfire and little red devils poking my most intimate areas with mini-pitchforks would be a walk in the park compared to the utter desolation of being stuck in this form, in this universe, whilst having my hopes constantly raised only to be dashed seconds later on an endlessly predictable perpetual loop.
That bloody daffodil… why did Daisy have to burn it to a cinder like that? Even in her current blessed absence, she still thwarts my every feeble attempt to take some control over my life. Despite my complete ignorance of this stupid kiddy franchise, I’m starting to think that my time here would be a lot easier if I’d been dumped here all on my lonesome…
“Um… hello? Are you alright there? Your eyes have gone awfully funny, and you’re mumbling a lot under your breath…”
Wut the… Caught up as I was in yet more uncontrollable internal monologuing which would solve precisely zero of my continually mounting difficulties, I snapped out of my mental flux to stare blankly back at Fluttershy, who hadn’t budged an inch from her original position right in front of me. She was still waving that all-too-accurate illustrative portrait near my face as if trying to ascertain an exact match, before finally deciding for herself before I’d even spoken a word in my defence.
“It is you. No other pony could have that unique six-star Cutie Mark as shown in this picture. Plus the fact you’re a unicorn, your purple colouring, that you’re a mare…”
“I am not a girl!!” If anything was going to bring me back to the land of the living, it was this nature-dwelling treehugger assuming my gender. “I-I mean… I may look like a female pony, and I might sound like one, a-and I might have all the right parts in all the right places… but the simple truth is I, er…”
Fluttershy’s slowly growing look of concern and the three cautious backward steps she took to get away from me as I began my mini-rant showed me that perhaps this particular tact wasn’t the wisest choice if I wanted to keep my one remaining potential friend from galloping (or in her case I guess, flying) off at speed to alert the local authorities.
The only question is where I’d be spending my foreseeable future: a prison cell or a padded cell. In fact, maybe I’m in the latter now back on Earth while drugged up to my eyeballs. It certainly would explain a lot…
“O-oops, sorry if I scared you. Again. I-I just hit my head while running away, and it’s left me feeling very confused. In fact, I can’t even remember my own name, let alone if I did all that stuff they said. OW. Oh no, I think I’m feeling faint…”
Brilliant Darren, just brilliant. When all else fails, fall back on the hugely original trope of ‘I Have Amnesia’ to deny everything. Surely no-one, or even nopony is gonna fall for this hoary old cliche…
“Oh, you poor dear! Here, let me carry you to my house. I’ll put you on my most comfortable chair, get you a nice cosy blanket to keep you warm, let you borrow my fluffiest, snuggliest, pillow…”
I can’t believe… she actually bought it?! That was the worst bit of playacting I’ve seen since Daisy refused to go to school one day because she had a fever. She’d swallowed at least a dozen sachets of hot sauce to complete the illusion, but Mum sent her packing regardless. So she had to do the Big Test anyway, and she wasn’t even allowed to get a glass of water until the examination hour was up. It must’ve been absolute agony for her. Good times, good times.
All thoughts of harbouring a dastardly fugitive from justice seemed to have left Fluttershy’s empathic mind. She somehow scooped me up in her unexpectedly strong forehooves to dart the few remaining yards to her front door, which she hurriedly almost kicked over in her determined pursuit of what she thought was desperately needed medical attention for yours truly.
I do feel sort of guilty for pulling the wool over the eyes of such a kind-hearted creature, but what exactly was the alternative? I pondered with regret, after being gently placed on a plush green chair in homely surroundings before my ‘rescuer’ flew off to gather the supplies she needed to necessitate my ‘recovery’. Tell the truth behind my arrival here, where I come from and the amount of trouble I’ve been embroiled myself in since then? Not a chance. This is literally the first opportunity I’ve had to relax for as long as I can remember, and I intend to take full advantage…
“Would you like honey in your tea, sugar or nothing at all? Woollen, or silken blanket? Perhaps I can run you a nice hoof bath while you’re here, if you think it’ll have a positive effect on your overall well-being…”
Well, maybe not relax too much with all these non-stop intrusive questions about my health. “Hmm, I can’t think why… but I do feel a slight headache coming on.”
“Oh no! That’s terrible!! Would you like me to rub your scalp for you? Perhaps a bit of meditative music might make you feel better. And Angel… what did you do with my plumpest cushion for guests? I don’t care if you do want it for your basket, somepony else is in greater need right now. You can sulk as much as you like Mister, it’s not going to work this time…!”
Brilliant, she can’t take a hint. And now the world’s most evil wabbit has me on their hit list. Where’s Elmer Fudd when you need him? I watched Fluttershy’s apparent long-eared pet hop angrily away upstairs, but not before regaling me with the sort of pleasant expression a depraved serial killer reserves for their latest victim. Still preferable to hanging out with Dais, though.
At least if that crazy bunny dispatched me, he’d probably do it painlessly quick and simple when I was asleep. With Daisy I’d be trussed up from head to toe while she stood over gloated and goaded me over her ‘victory’, before finding myself pushed off a cliff with her pinky finger many hours later. Don’t ask me how I can be so specific with this ignominious fate at her tiny hands, I just do.
I don’t know what it was… maybe it was the gentle humming Fluttershy emitted as she blithely flitted through her rustic cottage to assemble her first-aid equipment together, the comfortability of the soft armchair I now reclined in or the bizarre near-death fantasies expeditiously running through my mind, but all of a sudden I started feeling rather drowsy.
I realised much too late, with the exception of a brief nap over here in the pegasus-drawn carriage, I hadn’t really had a wink of proper shuteye… and now it was finally catching up with me.
Whether I liked it, or not.
No, not here. Not while I’m a wanted pony criminal. I can’t take the risk…
Sadly, in this particular tussle between my body and brain, there was only one winner. I felt my head swoon backwards as the assorted sounds of wildlife around me and the soothing wind whistling through the trees outside lulled me off, and everything went black.
If I wake up in chains, please tell Mum that I love her, my Dad that I despise him with every fibre of my formerly human being, and Daisy that no, she can’t have my room.
Sorry, sis. You should’ve been nicer to me. Now, where can I hire a good lawyer here…?