Chapter 25
They Don’t Grow Them That Big Where I’m From!
I have filled the basket almost all the way, practically all the way. Alright, nearly all the way. Fine, it’s just under being full. I can feel the sweat dripping off my forehead and my legs are starting to kill me. I was never in good shape back on Earth. Though, due to the new body, I haven’t a clue if that would have even helped me now.
I found it kind of stupid that mares always seemed to be shorter than stallions on the show. They always had eyelashes, they always had rounder muzzles, they never had hooves showing, and of course, something girly about their manes. Now that I am up-close-and-personal with all of these things. I can indeed see that eye lashes are a bit longer, my muzzle doesn’t look as blocky as it does with Big Mac. However, I do have a defining point where my hooves begin and some tuft of fur for my fetlocks.
Cartoon animators can’t get every detail perfect.
Backing up to kick another tree, I am caught in surprise by a sharp tugging and pain. I trip and fall on my ass. I jump in surprise and glare at whatever it was that just pulled me to the ground. My head droops and I roll my eyes. I just stepped on my fucking tail. I pick myself up and try this again. “Right H.B., mind the tail.”
Kicking the tree behind me, I get the satisfying sound of apples thumping to the ground. Eight. That’s a new record! I turn around and plop them into the basket again. The basket is now pretty much full. I frump to the ground. I am tired, thirsty and I get the nagging feeling I am going to need to pee here pretty soon.
“There!” I shout out, exasperated. “Done!” Big Mac jumps at my shouting and eyes the basket.
“Nope,” Big Mac replies.
I slam my left hoof to the ground. “What?! That is nearly full!” I protest.
“Applejack said-” Big Mac starts.
“Applejack said that she wanted at least one basket full before got back,” I interrupt. “And that is ‘at least one!’”
“Nope,” Big Mac says.
I facehoof. “Right, of course you’re going to be the good, diligent brother and make sure that I fulfill my ‘duty’ to fill at least one of these -fetting- baskets.”
“Eeeyup,” He replies.
“Right, I’m going to get another drink of water then. Got to keep hydrated right?”
“Eeeyup,” He says, nodding sagely.
Heading over to the trough, I can hear the hoofbeats of Big Mac following me and a paranoid part of my brain activates. I seriously don’t want him staring at my flank. Stop it, H.B. This isn’t a fanon universe, you have nothing to worry about, he isn’t going to...I blanch and I swear I can feel those apples I had earlier try to make their way back to my mouth.
Swallowing hard, I look at the trough. It still bugs the shit out of me that I am drinking from something like this. But right now I am too fucking thirsty to really care. After several gulps, I am feeling refreshed. The water is cooler than I expected. Then again, sitting in a shaded area like this? It’s going to remain so. It’s at that moment when the urge to pee hits me.
“Uhm, there doesn’t happen to be an, uhm bathroom up here is there?” I ask.
“Eeeyup,” Big Mac replies. His hoof points to a bush located to my right. Right at a bush that is.
I can feel my eye twitching. “You have got to be fetting kidding me.”
“Nope,” He answers.
I cringe and frown. I walk behind the bush, keeping Big Mac well within my sights. His gaze seems locked on me even when I am behind the bush. I wait for him to do the common courtesy and turn around. He doesn’t do that...
“Hey! I can’t go when you’re watching!” He blinks at me. “Turn.” I pause, thinking about what would happen if he just turned around. I don’t want to see if I can see what I think would be there. “Turn your head and look away!”
He backs up and turns his head. Gawds, I thought just going to the bathroom was awkward enough. Having some other pony just standing there...twenty times more awkward.
Coming back out from behind the bush, I feel refreshed. Well, at least on one level. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to buck anymore apples. “So, we’re going to be here till I fill that basket, aren’t we?” I ask.
“That’s what Applejack wanted,” Big Mac replied.
I am so glad that his vocabulary isn’t just, ‘Eeyup’ and ‘Nope’. That would get annoying to listen to. Still, I am barely able to move my, ‘bucking,’ muscles. “Can’t we just call this a day and tell Applejack that I filled the basket? I mean it’s mostly filled as it is!”
Big Mac glares at me. I’m sure that he’s still unhappy that I upset his sister. Either that or it’s at the idea that I am suggesting that we lie to her. But it’s just a little white lie! The basket is mostly filled. “Applejack said ta fill at least one basket, and yer gonna fill at least one basket before she gets back.”
“I could do that if you weren’t watching me, you know,” I begin.
Big Mac closes his eyes and turns his head. “Applejack said that ah’m ta watch ya until she gets back, and that’s what ah intend on doing.”
Good gods that sounded just...wrong. I want him to go away. Actually, I need him to go away. How am I going to get him to go away? Then a small idea forms in my head. Can I do it? It’s just the two of us up here, and I want him to go away..
“You watching strange mares, Big Mac? What would Smartie Pa-” I attempt to finish my sentence, but the startled and rather embarrassed look on Big Mac’s face is a shock of cold water telling me what I am about to do is wrong: so very wrong. So very wrong that I feel a wave of nausea wash over me.
“Ah..” Big Mac starts. “H-”
I’m doing it again. I’m being a bitch. I’m using the knowledge that I have gathered about all of these characters - no - these ponies, and using it against them. Personal secrets that I don’t need to let them know that I know about. And what’s worse is that it’s unfair to them because they practically know nothing about me. “You just did something like this with Applejack, H.B. Why the fuck are you doing it again with Big Mac? What did he do to almost deserve that? Nothing. Right. Face the music on this.” “Right, uhm, I didn’t...Look I’m terrible at apologies. And I don’t want two apples upset with me. So, I’m going to apologize here and say that I didn’t mean...” my head droops down. Why aren’t those two words coming out?! “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying in this whole conversation. I was being stupid and saying hurtful things.” I look at him. He looks utterly confused. “Forgive me?”
His eyes dart back and forth and he seems to be totally lost. Fuck, I’m totally lost here. But I need to say something that sounds like I’m trying to say ‘sorry’. “Uhm...eeyup?”
Just hearing that makes me feel a little better. I’m not a bad person, or pony. I just need to take my own advice and actually watch what I say. The uncomfortable feeling that I had about Big Mac is lessened, but I still don’t feel like doing any more bucking. I just want to stop this. I want to do something other than kicking trees. But Big Mac is being insistent on this. Right come on, H.B. you still have a few more bucks in you! You can-
That’s when Big Mac’s stomach growls at him. A new idea pops into my head. A better idea. “Your sister said that I had to fill at least one basket,” I start.
“Eeeyup,” Big Mac replies.
“But she didn’t say that we couldn’t take a break, right?” I ask. I am sure there is a pleading look on my face. “Like, say ten minutes in the kitchen?”
He mulls this over. “Nope.” Damn it he’s not going to budge. “She didn’t say that we couldn’t.” He starts walking down the hill and I am stunned. That actually worked. His head turns back at me. “Are ya coming?”
“Uhm yeah! Just a bit tired is all!” I reply. As I race to catch up with him, I turn my head away from him. I don’t need to reignite the awkward moment of looking at his ass.
As we walk down the hill, Mac takes a deep breath. “Ya know that speech ya just gave?”
“Uhm...yes...?” I ask sheepishly.
“Ah think yer were givin’ it ta the wrong pony.” He says.
My head droops down. “Right. Next time I see your sister, that’s what I should do.”
“Eeeeyup.” He replies giving me what I can see as a wary eye.
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“Jumpin’ june bugs basket cakes! How the hay could ah just have left them two alone like that?! Calm yerself, A.J. Twilight and Spike told ya that there ain’t nothing ta worry about,” Applejack thought to herself as she raced back to the farm. “Yer just working yerself up into a tizzy over nothing. Ya’ll get back to the farm, Big Mac and her will be still up on that there hill and she’ll have a basket of apples. Eeyup!”
Applejack took a deep break and rested on her gate once she arrived back to the farm. “Yup, yer over thinkin’ this A.J. It’s not like they’re, uhm.” She paused, looking up at the hill where Heartbreak was meant to be. From this vantage point, she should have been able to spot the dark red coat against the green grass. But that was nowhere to be seen. “Maybe she’s getting a drink of water! Big Mac wouldn’t let her out’a his sight after all!”
Getting to the top of the hill, Applejack looked around. “Big Mac? Uhm... H.B.?” she called out. Peering back at where the watering trough was, she was only met with a quiet nothing. “Dern’it! What was ah thinkin’?!” That’s when Applejack spotted a flash of red out of the corner of her eye. It was in the kitchen from her house below. “Heh, they’re in the house. Of course.” She looked at the nearly full apple basket. “They must be takin’ a break!” She cringed, hoping that Twilight was right about all this. “Ah hope.” She casually walked down the hill. Partly because she needed to calm herself down and partly because she was just tuckered out from the running.
As she passed the window to the kitchen, she overheard a snippet of a conversation being had. “Oh wow, those -are- some big apples. I don’t think those would even fit in my mouth. I mean, they don’t grow them that big where I’m from!” A cold shake went through Applejack. She needed to get into that house and in there fast! Opening the front door she heard another tidbit. “-really love apple butter, but I’m afraid that I’m nothing but a butter-h-h-h-hooves about these things. I have a...condition that makes my hooves all shakey. You mind getting that into my lips? I think I can handle it from there,” she asked.
Applejack raced to the kitchen doorway. As she approached she could see Heartbreak opening her mouth extra wide, her tongue lolling out and an ‘ah!’ came out of her throat. Applejack jumped into the doorway preparing herself to face what could be a horribly awkward situation. “Alright! Whatever ya all are doing needs to stop right now!”
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There was a moment in my life that had a horrible air of confused awkwardness about it. It was the time my mother was making us kids hotdogs for lunch. We were about to eat and our mother commanded us to say, ‘grace.’ My brother looked at me, and I looked at him and neither one of us had any fucking clue what our mother was talking about.
Right now, that very same thing is happening here in the Apple Family Kitchen. Big Mac was showing me the contents of their pantry. I knew they had apples of all varieties in there, but damn. Those were some really big apples. I said that I didn’t think I could eat those whole. Besides, I just got done scarfing down some apples from the orchard. Something other than just plain apples would be nice. He offered to get some apple butter from the fridge. I love apple butter. Some people don’t like it. It’s like concentrated apple sauce that has been cooked to the point of caramelizing mixed with spices.
But, right now as the situation stands, Big Mac is looking at me awkwardly with his hoof extended and a slice of bread with a nice dollop of apple butter spread on it. I’m looking at him, my mouth hanging open about to eat said bread, and Applejack is in the doorway, looking at the both of us like we just were about to get away with murder.
“O-o-okay?” I finally squeak out. “Why?”
Applejack now looks flustered, confused and a whole bunch of other things all mixed into a mess. “Because! Because...that apple butter has gone bad!”
Inside I am twitching. I have this nagging feeling that there is a tv trope about this somewhere out there, and I am totally missing the joke behind it. I slowly pluck the bread off of Big Mac’s hoof and chew it. “It tastes fine to me, Applejack.” And it really does. Apparently they weren’t kidding when they said that the Apple family knew everything about apples.
While the apple butter did taste really nice, I am getting a sickly feeling when I see that there is a hard blush accompanied by an angry glare at me from Applejack. I don’t know what she is thinking, but it can’t be good. I chew a bit more in this quiet and awkward moment and then swallow. This seems to be A.J.’s cue for something.
She turns to look at her brother. “Mac, ya mind leaving us girls alone fer a spell ta have a talk?”
Big Mac responds with a “Nope.” As he leaves the kitchen, I swear there is a look of relief on his face.