//------------------------------// // Moon Butt is Gonna Die pt. 1 // Story: Source Code // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// The Summer Sun Celebration was apparently the celebration of the longest day in the year, or the Summer Solstice. Celestia was sending both myself and Twilight ahead of time in order to make sure everything was ready. However, Celestia hadn’t told Twilight yet, but because I have special somepony privileges, I get to know ahead of time. As in a solid week ahead of time. Over the last few weeks, or the last time that I wrote in this… I guess I can’t call it a journal when my journal is where I’m keeping the groundwork for Python, so I guess it’s a diary now. Anyways it’s been about two weeks since mine and Celestia’s first date. After that, things kept on as normal, Python got worked on(I even managed to convert Levitation to Python and made three new Runes!), and I actually picked up guard training. Now, I’m doing guard training for two reasons… One, I want to actually gain some muscle mass so Celestia has something nice to look at other than my butt, and I wanna know how to fight. So far, I was going through what was basically ‘basics’ but I was a consort so nobody really yelled at me. Nobody in the castle officially knew that I was the consort… Everyone knew though. I got to join in guard training everyday and work out and learn how to use magic in a combative manner. That’s what I was doing right now, since tomorrow, me and Twilight will be shipped off to Ponyville to make sure everything’s in order for the Summer Sun Celebration which happens the day after tomorrow. I parried another unicorn's attack. Solar Strike, which was his name, shot another Concussive, or a concussive blast, with my Python Shield. After the first lesson I had in here, I ran diagnostic spells on every single spell used by the guard for combative purposes and reworked them into Python. As it turns out, that was the way to go, since now I had more magic to pour into shields and offensive spells without the hassle of casting the spells quickly or having to worry about executing the spell properly.  Because of Python, I would’ve been in the top half of the guard in terms of magical prowess.  I shot a homing, Concussive, which was something I made through Python, and ran in as soon as Solar Strike put up a shield… And I got plowed into the ground by the simple fact that Solar Strike was physically stronger than I was by a long shot. I groaned and rolled onto my stomach while rubbing my head. For once, I just had a headache; my magic pool, or endurance, has actually gotten a lot better because of the development of Python; I have to cast spells and Runes constantly, which really helped build my endurance. It won’t stop a guard from immediately putting his hoof on my shoulder after he kicks my ass, but I can at least cast a lot of Python based spells without hurting myself. “You know,” Solar said as he helped me up. “I shoulda figured that somepony, that is Celestia’s second star pupil, would put up a good fight from a magical standpoint. You’re kinda bad at going in physically though; you’re kinda scrawny after all.” “Hey, I at least managed to sprint to you this time,” I groaned. “Fuck me, mate, my head feels like a brick made love to the back of it… You hit hard.” “Oh please; your marefriend’s probably going to kiss your boo boos away anyways.” “That’s the best part of this. After I do this enough, hopefully I won’t be a scrawny little cunt, and instead be a cunt with some muscle mass. I want to at least be eye candy for Celestia, you know?” “What a stellar reason to be in the guard-” “I’m also trying to learn how to fight so I can fight beside her my man, you should know that by now!” “I know. I just find it odd that out of all the ponies, she ends up picking you. You’re so… boring looking. Your coat and mane don’t pop, your cutie mark’s literally some numbers, and your mane and tail are kinda messy…” Solar shuttered. “The strength that you put into your magic sure is scary though; if that homing spell hit me, I would've gotten knocked out.” “That’s the goal…” I chuckled. “You know, I have a little secret for why I can put so much power into my spells. You’ve had to have felt how weak my Rune based spells, or just my usual spell casting, is.” “They are! But then you get into combat and it’s like a demon’s taken over your body. I don’t even think Captain Armor could’ve broken your shield.” “He could if he hit it hard enough; he’s a lot stronger than I am when it comes to magic, and probably more knowledgeable. A concussive spell, mixed in with anti-shield spells, wouldn’t work though because my Shields don’t rely on any of the pre-existing systems of magic.” “What…?” “There’s three systems of magic,” my guard friend gives me a ‘no shit’ look. “So what I went and did is made my own branch, which takes Runes and the Hybrid systems of spell casting, or the first and third and aimed to make it so with those same basic runes from the first system, along with some extra Runes that I’ve made and some equations that I’ve made, makes spell casting easier, quicker, and less magically restraining. From there, you have greater leverage with your magic. I could barely go toe to toe with Twilight, when she’s holding back, if I gave it my all. With Python, my built up system, I can contend with her, while she’s holding back of course, and even hold my own against my girlfriend for a time before she just straight up overwhelms me with greater magical prowess, her knowing Python in and out because of me, and her experience in combat.” “...Huh.” “The problem with Python is mainly the fact that it’s meant to optimize how much magic is needed for casting, to make the strength of any spell casted with it greater. This is a problem because a magically weak unicorn will still get destroyed by somebody a lot stronger than them, but it gives me, a weaker unicorn, a fighting chance to hold out for help, or to flee if I just can’t make any leeway. Luckily, Python has Teleport spells… and…” I breathed DragonFire and walked into it, before appearing behind Solar Strike. “My Fire spell is my Teleport.” “What the buck!?” Solar jumped and spun around. “I saw you burn to ashes!” “No… with enough magic, which I can easily provide DragonFire, I can burn myself and reappear behind you. The problem is that I haven’t been able to teleport myself to Celestia or Twilight Sparkle though doing that. But it is a much, much more viable Teleport for longer distances, whereas Teleport mainly has combative purposes.” “Dude… Have you told anyone?” “Nope. I don’t plan on telling anyone other than Celestia, since she gives me puppy eyes and wins any argument we have, and Twilight since she’s my colleague and has seniority over me and can tell me what to do because of that. I want to make sure I have the full system of Python worked out before I publish it and let ponies run wild with it.” “What is this about Python?” Solar jumped and proceeded to solute the pony behind me. I already knew who it was… Somepony that’s great bro material. “Ah, Shining Armor. How’s it going, lad?” “Quite alright, mind joining me for a drink? My shift ends in thirty minutes.” “Sure thing, my man. See ya at six?” Shining and I brofisted and we went our separate ways for the next thirty minutes. Shining Armor, a captain in the Royal Guard; it was one of the highest positions you could find yourself in as the guard, save for literally being Princess Celestia… Yeah, this dude is a bit of a prodigy like his younger sister, Twilight Sparkle. This dude has some of the strongest defensive magic in the entire world, and is apparently tied, by measurements, with only one other unicorn when it comes to the strength in his shields and barriers. Like Shining Armor is the only unicorn alive right now that could match Starswirl the Bearded, a famous mage, with shield spells alone. Granted, because he’s Twilight’s brother, he’s not too shabby in other types of magic; a good defense is only good if you’ve got a good offense to back it up after all. Unlike Twilight, Shining’s main expertise in spell casting lies entirely on what is in the Guard. As in he is top level in every spell used by the Royal Guard, but you couldn’t ask him to turn his parents into potted plants… Because Twilight did that when she was fucking six years old apparently… On accident, hatched an egg that is magically resistant(which led to Spike being born), and enlarged the newly hatched Spike until he broke the ceiling… Yeah, she fucking did at least three very high level spells on accident while six years old. And somehow I’m being taught by the same alicorn that’s teaching her how to control and use her magic. Shining Armor on the other hand… can make really strong shields(Twilight can get close, but her brother edges her out on shields), and has a strong offense even if his greatest strength is his defense. “I see you got your flanks handed to you by Solar again,” Shining said as we walked down the hall to get ourselves that drink that was older than we were. “Hey now, I held my own with magic… I’m just a weak little bitch.” “Hey, we all have to start somewhere,” Shining flexed his foreleg… It was as sharp as a diamond. “Would you believe I was once that nerd that played Ogres and Oubliettes?” That was Dungeons and Dragons for you non-ponies. It was just as nerdy as its human equivalent. “Just as weak as you are right now. Though I gotta say, Solar’s one of our more gifted guards when it comes to magic, and you’re going toe to toe with him when you score a lot lower than he did on all of those magical tests you took before ‘joining’ the guard.” “I just use my magic in a special way,” I half-lied. “Uh-huh. What’s Python?” “A type of snake?” I played dumb. “Though Celestia said that too and it ended up with my snout in her rear end. It was a little strange, but she had fun,” I tilted my head. Shining Armor stopped completely dead in his tracks, staring into nothing as what I said slowly worked through his mind. Out of all the ponies in the castle, I don’t think Shining was in the know how. That, or he was, and hearing somebody talk about licking the Princess’s ass broke him. Probably both, if I’m being real. Apparently I’m not the only one dating an alicorn, since he’s dating somebody named Princess Cadance, and she was apparently Celestia’s niece. So I don’t know why he found it so shocking when somebody else said they were eating Princess Celestia out. “...So you are dating Celestia?” Shining asked. “Yeah, of course I am.” “I lost twenty bits because you said no… Wait, you two are having-” “No, we haven’t had sex yet. Waiting until we get married at some point; it may take us a while, but given how we’re apparently a perfect match for each other, I say it isn’t too long yet. I do love what I know about Celestia right now even if I know she’s got a few skeletons in her closet that she hasn’t told me about yet.” “I was the guard that asked if you were sleeping with Celestia!” “And technically, I was sleeping with her. Not sleeping with her, in the sense that I we’re… trying to have foals? No.” “Damn. So you and Celestia did get hitched… Cady was right.” “Cady?” I asked. I had successfully got Shining Armor off my case about Python yet again.  “Yeah, the main reason why I grabbed you today is to have lunch with you and Celestia; Cadance invited me along. Since Princess Celestia is technically Cadance’s only living guardian, you’re legally Cady’s uncle.”  “Oh. Damn. I have a niece… What the hell?” I think Cadance and Shining Armor are older than I am. Because Twilight is biologically older than I am, even if I was mentally two years older than her when I got zapped by whatever the hell sent me to Equestria. I plopped my rear down on the couch next to Celestia, we had taken residence in the private dining room we had our first date in. The room had been rearranged so there were two, plush, purple couches, or giant cushions, made to be able to hold at least three Princess Celestias on two sides of a really fancy coffe cable. It just smelled really fancy, like a freshly cut slab of oak wood. Sitting on the cushion on the opposite side from us was… another alicorn. She was pink. Very, very pink. Actually, she was pleasantly pink, and I could tell that she probably had a lot of ponies gushing over her in school, since she was about as old as Shining Armor was, according to the stallion now snuggled up into her. Like, by pony standards, this woman was probably drop dead gorgeous… However, Celestia is better, Celestia best Princess. No, I am not biased by the fact that my girlfriend is Celestia, not at all. Seriously, watching Celestia raise the Sun from our bed everyday I wake up is truly a sight to behold, and one of the few reasons why I actually wake up early just to pretend that I’m still asleep when Celly’s done doing that. Cadance, I’m assuming this is Cadance, had a purple, pink, and blond mane where on one side, went down to her neck and curled up, and the other went down to her forleg’s knees, and like the other side, curled up as it reached the end. Adorning her head was a golden crown that was much like Celestia’s, though smaller and had heart shaped gems in it instead. Her tail went down to her hindleg’s ankles, and was the same colors as her mane, which was curled up and up to her belly as she leaned into her coltfriend’s side. Around her neck was a necklace that had no gems in it, but connected at the base of her neck… to make a heart shape. Adorning her butt was a shining heart made out of crystals. I do not like the way she’s looking at me. It was like she was analyzing me. The first thing I did after I settled into Celestia’s side, was get up immediately and plant a kiss on her cheek. “Curse you for being so tall. I can’t kiss your cheek properly if you’re three times taller than I am,” I grumble. “Perhaps you should’ve grown more?” Celestia bobbed her eyebrows. We both chuckled, before she returned the kiss, and I resettled down into her side.  “I didn’t think I would ever see you with your own special somepony, Auntie,” Princess Cadance hummed. “I can tell that you two… are getting along.” “I hear you don’t believe what you just said,'' I hummed. Cadance raised an eyebrow. “I’m not an idiot, Cadance, and ponies are horrible liars.” “You are a pony,” Cadance pointed out. “Cadance, do you have anything against Source?” Celestia asked. “The first thing he does when he comes in, isn’t greet you, he flops down beside you and then greets you. And I wouldn’t even call that a greeting.” “That’s our usual ritual,” I wave a dismissive hoof. “I can’t spend all day with Celestia because of her work, so the first thing I do when I see her, I just wanna cuddle up with her. Then I kiss her, make a quip about her making me feel like the midget I am, and we continue cuddling while we eat dinner and talk about our days. I kinda can’t specifically do that right now, since you and Shining Armor are here, and it’s only lunch, but…” I motioned Celestia to lower her head down to me. “How’re you feeling, Celly? Want me to barge in on any meetings and cry wolf to get you out?” “No, dear. I have everything handled. I can see that you’re building a little bit of muscle,” Celestia looked over me hungrily. “You’ve been working out, I’ve heard. And giving some of my guards a run for their money…” she giggled. “Mr. Top Percent.” “Hey! I still get my butt handed to me on a silver platter whenever I go to melee any guard,” I huffed, I said that allowed and crossed my forelegs and pouted. “I hate working out, but I wanna do it for you. I can’t be anything less than nice looking around you, can I?” Celestia blinked, blushed, and giggled again. “I think you look handsome as is, without working out… Perhaps we can move your training into my schedule? I’m sure I can teach you better one on one than a guard instructor could when he has dozens of other stallions and mares to keep track of.” Good point. “Or if I can’t train you, I want to watch you.” I nodded along before I kissed her on the nose, which made her ears shoot up. “Oh. My. Fucking. God, Celestia! You can’t look like that! It’s gonna melt my heart because of how adorable you look!” We both laughed before we nuzzled each other and faced Cadance and Shining. “...Huh,” Cadance hummed. “I… You two play off of each other so well… But when you walked in, you felt empty.” “Because I ain’t a pony on the inside. I can turn an emotion, such as love, on or off on a dime. Celestia’s the one pony in this world that’s keeping me from just jumping off the mountain this city’s sitting on; she means the world to me. She is my world... I’m exaggerating, but Celly is helping me stay mentally stable by simply being here for me. I love her to death.” Cadance actually began smiling. “And you’re working out just to…” “Be eye candy for her.” “Which he already is,” Celsetia pointed out. “Your plainess is rather nice; you don’t need to have rock-solid muscle mass to appease me.” I felt my cheeks warm up at that. After Cadance worked out her dislike for me, since she can apparently sense emotions, she was way friendlier after that. I suppose she just wanted to make sure the weirdo dating her aunt was actually a good pony or something.  “Fucking christ, Source,” Celestia giggled. She picked up on occasionally using human curses from me. You can’t tell me otherwise; hearing her use human curses is adorable, sue me. “You seriously did that… to try and hide Python from Captain Armor?” “Yeah, Shining’s been asking about Python since I started joining his soldiers in their daily training…” “So you joked about eating me out?” Cadance and Shining Armor were just sitting there, like two little kids, while they heard their aunt and Princess casually talk about her boyfriend joking about having sex with each other. “Hey now, say the word and I’ll actually do a ‘Python’ on ya…”  “Really now?” Celestia hummed. “Perhaps after the Summer Sun Celebration, we shall see if you are a stallion of your word.” Oh. Oh. Oh shit. I’m gonna get laid. The next morning, I woke up bright and early so that I could get on the chariot. After a quick breakfast with Sun Butt, a kiss, and a letter from Twilight telling Celestia about somebody named Nightmare Moon, and I was in the chariot. Celly had just sent Twilight her instructions, so I was just waiting on her. Shining Armor gave me a brohoof as he came up to inspect the chariot and its guards. Usually, nobody would, but since it was carrying his sister, and two of Princess Celestia’s Personal Students, I couldn’t fault him. Namely because it was carrying his sister. Twilight and Spike, with Spike riding on her back, who was reading the message I had ‘helped’ Celestia write. As in I wrote to improve my precision with levitation, and I wrote what she told me to. I would’ve tried to put my own personal touches, but Celestia threatened to make me sleep on the couch as soon as she saw the grin on my face as she told me to write what she was saying. Now, I would’ve done it anyways, but Celestia Snuggle Time is the best, and I don’t want to be denied that for a whole week.  Yes, I have gone without before we started dating, but after you get used to it, you don’t want to lose it. “How are you so calm?” Twilight shouts at me. “Nightmare Moon will want to try and kill Princess Celestia-” “And if she tries it, let alone succeeds, I am going to torture Nightmare Moon. I will pluck her feather by feather, break her bones, pull her teeth out. That’s assuming she’s real, of course.” I have a bit of reason to doubt that Nightmare Moon does exist. For one, Celestia would’ve told me, two, Celestia didn’t seem to take the letter that seriously. Secondly, how the heck does somebody get stuck in the Moon?” Sure, magic is a thing, but from what I’ve gathered, not even Celly is capable of doing such a thing, since such a spell doesn’t exist. “She is real though!” “Mmm, how about we worry about making sure my girlfriend’s holiday goes smoothly, and then worry about Nightmare Moon, eh?” “He’s right, Twilight, Princess Celestia even told you to just try and make some friends!” Spike pointed out in the letter. “He is right; I would know since Celestia got me to write that letter for her.” Twilight groaned, before laying her head on the chariot. “Making friends can’t be that bad,” Spike comments as the chariot touches the ground. Ooh, my legs are wobbly. “C’mon! Just go say hello to one of the locals!”  “Uh…” Twilight proceeds to say ‘hi’ only for the pink pony to gasp and run away. “Damn, you’re worse at making friends than I am.” “Shut up, Source.” Twilight grumbles. “Let’s just go check on the Apples’ Farm; their family is catering for the Summer Sun Celebration after all.” I think I like the Apples. The Apples are apparently a family of chefs, farmers, and country folk that… are genuinely just really nice. Usually, I… abstain from being the center of attention, but these people were so friendly that I couldn’t help but have some cider and joke around with some of them. Particularly, Apple Jack. who was an orange earth pony mare with a blond mane and tail that were tied back. Upon her head rested a stetson which looked really cool. Her cutie mark was three apples.. She was the first to greet us, and had shook our hooves with so much enthusiasm, that our hooves kept on shaking after she was done. Twilight wanted to deny brunch, but Apple Bloom, an adorable, little filly with a yellow coat, red hair, and had a bow in her mane. She doesn’t have one, yet. “And so my Dad said ‘let there be light!’ before he blew up our oven while trying to make popcorn!” I laughed as I set my cider down. Did I mention how much I love the Apples? They have FRENCH TOAST WITH APPLE JELLY!  I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT APPLE JELLY WAS A THING! “Ah’ll have to meet your Dad at some point, Source,” Apple Jack laughed. “He sounds like an idiot.” “Oh, he’s a great cook, taught me how to make a dish or two, but god. Do not let that dude near an oven after he’s a little… influenced by what he’s drinking. It’s just a miracle that he didn’t catch on fire when our oven blew up.” I hummed and almost grabbed a towel to wipe off my face, before just straight up using my left fetlock to get the jam and bits of french toast, or prench toast, off my face. Celestia wasn’t one for table manners, but I did get dragged into a ‘private’ dinner with some ambassadors… I got yelled at for using the wrong fork. Not by Celestia, mind you, but I still got yelled at. “And here Ah was thinking you were some prissy unicorn from Canterlot; you’ve got some grit, Source!” AJ patted my back. Her older brother, Big Mac, was a giant hulk of a stallion. Red, fucking huge, and had a thing, I think it’s a scarf, wrapped around his neck. He was a stallion of few words, but the way he had a foreleg wrapped around my neck while we both had some cider… Yeah, I found another bro. I sighed before setting my cup down, noting how Spike and Twilight were leaving already. “Sorry guys, but I gotta follow her. Princess Celestia wants to make sure everything’s going well, and I gotta make sure Twilight doesn’t murder anybody; she ain’t much of a ponies pony, y’know?” I almost snickered when I noted that Twilight’s gut was round and she was almost limping away from the farm; she really loved Granny Smith’s pie… I am a horrible person. “No worries, Source. Next time yer in town, you best stop by’n say ‘hi’!” Apple Jack hummed. “Though why did the Princess send both of you? That Twilight over there seems to have everything covered.” “Well, I am Celly’s protege as well…” “Celly?” “Yeah, I’m… good friends with Celly,” AJ raised an eyebrow. Fucking nothing gets past this lady, not even half truths, and it’s scary. She quickly picked up on when I didn’t like apple soup earlier in a heartbeat, but was a good sport about it when she realized I just never had apple soup and found it weird… It was like applesauce, but more liquidy… It got better as I got more used to it. “Aight, so Celly’s a nickname for the Princess; I’m her… boy-coltfriend. Yeah! Anyways, she sent me here since I’m usually cooped up in the castle, and to get me exploring town a bit. I don’t have to follow Twilight, but I’m staying in the same library that Twilight will be until Celly stops by; she’s the only one of us with a map.” “Ah… Wait, what?!” That last bit was something everypony in earshot could hear… I just said everypony. Fuck, I am getting used to this new vocabulary too quickly. “YOU’RE DATING THE PRINCESS?” Apple Bloom asked. “Hey!” Big Mac shouted. “Leave the poor fella alone. Ah Can tell he already stepped out of his comfort zone, having brunch with us with the whole family being here. We don’t need to hound him with questions such as that… But to be clear, you are datin’ Princess Celestia, ain’tcha?” I nodded. “Congrats, dude. C’mon, me and my sisters know Ponyville inside and out. If you wanna hang out with the family until the Summer Sun Celebration, or even stay the night, you’re more than welcome; we’ll accommodate you as best as we can.” That’s the most he’s ever said to me. If I weren’t straight, I would happily sleep with Big Mac. “You don’t gotta, but if you show me where… Golden Oaks Library is before sundown, I’m game to just hang out. I can even show y’all my Dad’s secret recipe for apple pie; it won’t be as good as this,” I pointed at the crumbs that remained of my pie. “‘Sides, Twilight’s a wee bit of a prick. I just gotta watch myself; I’m a wee bit prone to cursing.” “Source,” Apple Jack said plainly. “We’re a bunch of country folk. Even Apple Bloom knows how to swear.” “Fuck yeah Ah do!” Apple Bloom said. Huh… No disapproving looks either. “Ah shit, I coulda cut loose the moment I stepped on the farm? I didn’t want to swear in front of a kid!” Apple Jack chuckled. “Ah, if you weren’t dating the Princess already…” What? “Though, you are a bit scrawny and plain lookin… yer just really fun to hangout with.” “Uh…” I slowly turned to Big Mac and mouthed ‘save me’. He ended up taking me away and teaching me what Buck Ball was, and it was basically rugby, which was basically American Football but without any of the protective gear… And it was fucking fun once I got the timing for bucking the thing right. I had to use ‘Buff’, spell used to ‘buff’ up your physical capabilities, to keep up with Big Mac and the rest of the guys in the Apple Family, but I think they were just happy to see a unicorn, prince consort enjoying something that was actually really popular amongst earth ponies apparently. When it was inevitably time for me to go to Golden Oaks Library for the night, Apple Jack, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom led me to it… It was a library in a tree. Like it wasn’t a tree house, where the house was on the top, no, it was built into the base of the tree and it went all the way up the trunk. The oak tree it was built into was god damn huge. Like the trunk was easily as wide as some of the houses around here… you know what? Ponies are kinda nonsensical, but sometimes that nonsense can be really cool. I walked in in time to see Twilight pour herself a cup of hot sauce and drink it… And run away while crying from the pain, and to probably get some milk in her mouth. You know, that was a pretty mean prank, but then again, Twi didn’t really look over the bottle before pouring it. Given that it was bright red, instead of the subdued red that fruit punch usually has, I’m surprised she didn’t give the bottle a lookover at least once. I trotted on over before looking the bottle over, before shrugging. A prank is a prank, so I might as well roll with it. “Oh my gosh, you’re the other unicorn that came into Ponyville! I was going to hold a party for you too, so you could make some friends, but then you went and made friends with the entire Apple Family, so you clearly already have friends. So while I was trying to spy on you, to ensure proper party engagement, I noticed how you started cowering away the very moment you became the center of attention, so… I decided against making the party just for you, since if you had a panic attack during your party, that wouldn’t be so fun. So I made it for you and Twilight, but I put your name on the banner with really small letters, so nopony would know that the party is for you!” “Wah?” I could comprehend everything that she said, and apparently she’s a lot more thoughtful even if she seems like an airhead… Did she say she was spying on me? What the fuck? I swear, this lady’s bright fucking pink! She would’ve stood out on a field, a bush, anything! Mmm… Maybe I shouldn’t question it. I started sipping on the hot sauce… wow, that is mild. It’s not pleasant; straight up drinking hot sauce on its own usually isn’t fun. However, I could probably drink the whole thing and be fine after a sip of anything else. “Why aren’t you crying in joy?” “Oh, I’m gonna enjoy a party; parties can’t be that bad. It’ll be my first one in Equestria at least. I just don’t find this hotsauce to be spicy. Y’all have anything with ghost peppers in it?” “Like dead peppers? I didn’t know peppers had souls…” “Nevermind. Ignore what I said. Ghost peppers, which is just a name, are a staple where I came from. One of the hottest peppers… in the country, I guess. They were kinda tasty, and would make this seem like child’s play. I’ve won money because of bets that involved me drinking hotsauce like this from the bottle.” “Wow… Tell me more about your home country! I’ve never met a pony that wasn’t from Equestria, but I’ve never left town before, and I don’t think I’ve met anypony from outside of town until very recently.” “Sure…”  After a lot of coffee and waking up early, I headed off to the Town Hall, where the Summer Sun Celebration would be held. I wanted to greet Celestia before she had to get on stage… and I got here just in time to see her land in a chariot of her own. I broke into a gallop, and before the chariot came to a proper stop, I leaped up into it and nuzzled her. “Celly!” I laughed and nuzzled her some more. It was still dark, but it was hard to miss a giant, white alicorn with a flowing, rainbow mane and tail.  The town was still dark, since the whole holiday was about it being the longest day of the year, so the sun hadn't risen yet, but ponies were already heading over the Town Hall like I was. “Hello, Source. How is everything going in town? Have the preparations been met?” “Eeyup. Twilight checked on everything while I played Buck Ball with the Apples… I made new friends, are you proud, Mom?” Celestia giggled. “It is nice to see you stepping out of your comfort zone. Would you like to spend the rest of the morning with me until the Summer Sun Celebration begins?” “Is that a question?” “...Well, perhaps you would like to spend some time with the Apples; their mares are usually really nice looking.” “Nuh-uh. I want my Celly, Mine. Apple Jack does look nice, but you are the only mare for my eyes… a sight for sore eyes, you are, my dear…” I nuzzled Celestia. “I love you…”  “I-I… what?” Celestia sputtered. “Oh my lord, Source, you sure do know how to make a mare feel special, don’t you?” “No I don't. I barely know what I’m doing, but I do know that I love ya to bits.” I nuzzled her. “You gotta put on makeup, right?” “I already did, for you…” Celestia fluttered her eyelashes. “Do I look good?” I looked her up and down, before kissing her directly on the nose. I did my best to ignore everyone that was staring at us and muttering something. I kissed her again before giving her my verdict. “No. You’re breathtaking.” I think Celestia went through a software crash because of that, so I ended up pushing her into the town hall and into the private area she was supposed to be in before she had to raise the Sun. Where. The. Fuck. Is. Celestia? Where the fuck did Celestia go? Like a white pony with a purple, curly mane and tail pulled the curtain back to reveal… Nothing. Then it turns out that Celestia’s entirely gone. That was entirely unlike Celestia; she was always on schedule! I went back out into the crowds, and she’s apparently gone missing! Who would dared try hurting my Celly? While everyone was looking around, I slowly started building magic. Maybe Celestia got stuck in a makeup room? Perhaps she’s putting a dress on and needs some extra time to- Why is there dark, purple smoke? What the actual… It all came together and revealed a black… tall alicorn. She was wearing a purple helmet that highly resembled the same one the Royal Guard wore, except it was designed for a mare and for a much larger pony. Instead of the necklace, like Celestia did, she wore a breastplate that hung around her neck. Her horseshoes went upwards and protected her shins, unlike Celestia’s which were just shoes. Upon her flanks was a moon… in dark purple, which heavily contrasted against the Nightly black that she had. While everyone was cowering in fear, I ran a diagnostic spell on her. Because… That’s Nightmare Moon and she is god damn real! I needed a diagnostic spell to read her magical signature. I used Python to stick a tracking spell on her while she monologues. She knows where Celstia is. The guards go to try and take her down… only to get struck by lightning. Because the wise thing to do while wearing ornamental armor with no enchantments on it was to charge at an alicorn, that possibly defeated Princess Fucking Celestia! Nightmare Moon then evaporated into the cloud of purple dust she rode in on… and flew out the door and towards the Everfree Forest, or the deadliest place on the planet… My tracking spell kept on her the whole time. I would use DragonFire to immediately tail after her… But I needed to conserve my magic until I could get to her and… Beat the ever living shit out of Nightmare Moon. I am going to fucking invent an air fryer and stick this bitch’s corpse into it. “Aight, y’all are fucking useless!” I growled. “I’m going to fucking murder that bitch if it’s the last thing I do!” I shouted before breaking into a sprint and charging after her.  Everypony as one of the two unicorns, that were supposedly Princess Celestia’s pupils, the stallion, ran out of the town hall while shouting various profanities, and other words that they never heard of before.  “I’M GONNA FUCKING NEUTER YOUR DUMB, FUCKING, MOON ASS IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO, NIGHTMARE MOON!” echoed through the town hall as the the unicorn disappeared into the distance.