//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: Violent Diplomacy 
// Story: Doctor Whooves: Exile (Part 1: Crash Course) 
// by The Madwomen 
//------------------------------//

Twilight had died and had gone to the afterlife.

Well, no, she hadn't. She just didn't think it was possible for a place so amazing to exist outside of paradise.

Yet here she was. She was with one of her best friends in the entirety of Gaia, in a library filled with books with cultures she had never even had the chance to have heard of before. She was immortal, yet the amount of books of brand new ideas and philosophies made her feel as though she could spend all of that eternity in here and never be bored, at least for as long as its owner, Pinkie Pie, was still alive. Pinkie was walking alongside her and being unusually quiet, except when Twilight had a question about a specific text, which Pinkie would answer in a way that was equally informative as well as... Well, Pinkie-like. It was likely she was just letting Twilight take it all in at her own pace, which Twilight greatly appreciated. Twilight had been reading for hours about the histories of fantastical places like Gallifrey, Mars, Skaro, Earth, Mondas, Clom, Raxacoricofallapatorius, and so many more. Pinkie had even asked her to give recommendations on books to add to her still-growing Gaian section, particularly the Equestrian sub-section.

She was in Heaven.

At least, that's what the book she was reading whilst pacing through Pinkie's impossible library would have called it. It was named "the Bible" (which Pinkie had informed her was not pronounced "bee-bleh" after a considerable amount of giggling), and it was a "religious" text. Humanity, the species the book had originated from, didn't have an equivalent to Princesses and the like, and Twilight knew this. When Twilight went to the human world through the mirror portal, she had assumed the lack of magic just meant science filled in any gaps (learning that their Earth revolved around the sun at the time practically broke her mind). At the time she didn't consider the possibility that humans didn't always have many different scientific methods. Religions, therefore, were made to fill in those gaps that human expertise at the time couldn't. 

Pinkie did tell her that no one knew the validity of most of these documents, and that they were the cause of many debates. Hence, why it was neither in the "human fiction" or "human non-fiction" sections, but rather a special category, the "human religion" section. Twilight was happy that she was reading something from a category of book that ponies just didn't have. She knew of other Gaian cultures that had their own set of beliefs about the universe and how it worked and the like, but ponies just had the princesses to fill in those gaps. Any pondering on what created the universe was more a matter of philosophy than faith, and as for anything else, if you wanted to talk to some all-powerful beings that could raise the sun and moon, you could set up an appointment to the royal palace.

In many ways, she observed, Gallifrey was similar. 

Gallifrey was an amazingly advanced civilization by most planets' standards, Gaia included. However, they didn't really have a "religion" section in the library. There were texts from the earliest days of Gallifreyan civilization that were religious in nature, such as those by the Pythian Order, but they were simply lumped in with either the fiction section or shown as being mere parts of ancient Gallifreyan history. However, no society she had read about thus-far seemed to have advanced to the point where a reverence for an all-powerful being would become obsolete. Much like Equestrians and the princesses, Gallifreyans treated the pair of Time Lords Rassilon and Omega as the closest thing to "holy" as their respective societies could muster. The main difference was that they had invented their processes of regeneration as well as the means to travel through time, rather than control the planet's two suns and inconsistent number of moons.

Twilight also noted that their stories were also quite similar. Rassilon seemed to be their equivalent to Celestia, finding the secret to regeneration, while Omega was their Luna, discovering the secret to time travel. While she couldn't see evidence of them being related, there was still an evident brotherly bond between the two based on what she read. Omega, however, was consumed by tragedy. He had gone to capture the exact moment a star died to create what was called the Eye of Harmony (another strange coincidence), in order to power their time machines. However, he was caught in the resulting black hole, presumed dead for a long while. Rumors of sabotage, possibly even by Rassilon himself, were rampant, though unconfirmed. However, Omega would eventually reveal himself centuries later as having been trapped in a dimension of anti-matter, needing to be stopped by multiple incarnations of the Doctor from destroying the entire universe (the non-anti-matter one).

So, to recap, two beings considered godlike and all-powerful ruled over a strange and mysterious land. One of them, however, was banished to a celestial body that said being had a strong connection to, resulting in years of isolation that drove them mad and gave them a lust for power. Then said being returned (after, oh, say about a 1000 years or so) and tried to do a hostile takeover with an impossible goal that would cause untold disaster. The other being, meanwhile, would bask in the reverence and faith their people had in them for centuries to come.

Twilight just thought it sounded a little familiar.

Her mind was caught between two different questions ("would Equestrian society be as advanced as Gallifrey if there was no such thing as magic?" and "why would this Yahweh guy allow an innocent person to be tortured for the sake of a bet with his greatest adversary?") when a stray shelf caught her eye. It wasn't because of any books on it. Quite the contrary, there were no books in it whatsoever. The plaque on it, noting the species responsible for such a dried-up well of knowledge, said "SONTARAN LITERATURE." 

Twilight was immediately curious. Nearly every species, even the ones you'd least expect, had books. Some were written by species incapable of imagination, dreadfully boring ones that detailed their history in the most droll way possible. "Cyberkind" had books, mostly ones written by "cyber-planners" to be used as propaganda, though there were a few by the original "Mondasian Cybermen." Even the Daleks, a species Pinkie described as beings genetically engineered to feel nothing but hate (which just made Twilight feel sorry for them) had a half-dozen books by rogue groups and cults (Pinkie recommended The Human Element by "Gamma"). But if there were any other species that had no books whatsoever, they certainly didn't have a shelf. So she did something rare for her, and put down a book in the middle of reading it.

"Pinkie," Twilight asked, "what's a Sontaran? And why don't they have a book?"

"Oh yeah, those guys!" Pinkie seemed as bubbly as ever, which was a good sign considered how nervous she looked when talking about the Daleks or how she dodged most questions about her planet's more recent history. "They're a clone race, meaning that somebody decided to make enough copies of themselves to qualify as a whole species! You can probably guess that I have no idea why anypony would possibly want that considering how lousy it was for me, but the original Sontar did. The reason they don't have books, though, is kinda sad."

"What do you mean?"

"Basically, they were specifically made for war and fighting. Any information they need can be gotten through a database, they don't really keep track of their own history outside of battle strategies, and they outlawed things that could make them question what it means to be a Sontaran, sooooooooo they kind of... Don't have artistic expression?"

Twilight blinked rapidly.

"Don't get me wrong, Twily," Pinkie said, looking a bit downtrodden. "they have emotions and names and can be individuals, kind of, but they only think in the context of war, so anything they don't think is necessary to war they just... Kinda don't do. This includes art, sadly." Her face lit up again. "But they do have parties! They're mostly to celebrate victories in war, or they even consider some battles a party, but they have parties! So they aren't complete stick-in-the-muds like Cybermen are. They know how to have fun, it's just that their idea of fun is... Bloody. I keep the bookcase around in the off-chance they do write a book! I call it my 'that'll-be-the-day shelf,' because that would be one Tartarus of a day!"

Twilight gave a look that managed to combine disbelief, frustration, sympathy and, above all, curiosity all in one. "That can't be true! They have to have at least one book! How is anypo- I mean anybody supposed to know anything about them if they don't write it down? Surely they have a book version of their 'database' or whatever!"

Pinkie just shrugged. "I'm sorry Twilight. They keep it as a closely guarded secret, in case their enemies want to find it. So no books."

Twilight's eye twitched. Pinkie suddenly felt a chill down her spine, and her teeth were chattering slightly, which she did her best to hide. Pinkie never had the heart to tell Twilight that her Pinkie Sense had a specific setting for "Twilight is going to have me involved in something completely crazy and unpredictably dangerous." She also didn't know what it meant that she felt a little excited about that.

Twilight tried her best to seem like she wasn't going to try and sacrifice the duo's time and safety just to satisfy her curiosity. "You said this was a time machine, right?" 

Pinkie already knew what Twilight had in mind. "Uh, Twilight, that's not the best idea. I reaaaaaaalllllllly don't want the other Time Lords to know I'm here, and traveling through time could do just that. Like, I don't know for sure, but I really really really REALLY don't want them to find out about Equestria, so I really want to play it safe here. Besides, the Sontarans are in another universe, not this one!"

"Well, it's still a space machine, right? As in it can go anywhere right now?"

Pinkie squinted, putting a hoof to her chin. "Yeaaaah... So?"

"Soooo," Twilight beamed, "we could go to where one of their planets would be in your old universe, and we can check to see if there's a species like Sontarans similar to how Gaia is like Earth?"

Pinkie hesitated before giving an answer. She hadn't gone out and explored this new universe since she got there, since she quite enjoyed living on Gaia and she really didn't want to risk the Time Lords following her. Still, they probably couldn't track the TARDIS as long as she kept it in around the same day as she started a trip. They could detect if she surfed a tidal wave, but not her splashing in a puddle. And besides, she was also curious. Did Sontarans exist here? If not, what else could they find? If they did exist, were they any different from the ones she knew? How different? Did they still have parties? 

Just as well, she just couldn't find herself saying no to Twilight, though she couldn't figure out why.

Pinkie grinned. "Well, it's a bit risky, buuuuuuuuuut... we can try going to Sontar BUT! But but but! You have to PROMISE you'll listen to what I say! Not a Pinkie Promise, but still a promise."

Twilight smiled. "I promise."

"Okie-dokie-lokie! TO THE CONTROL ROOM!"





Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were in hot water, and they didn't even do anything this time.

Three of the mannequins in Rarity's shop were seemingly animated using some sort of "animate inanimate object" spell or something like that. It didn't explain how they had laser weapons out of nowhere like in a sci-fi novel, but maybe they were robots disguised as mannequins? None of them knew, but none particularly cared at that very moment, since they were a bit busy running for their lives. 

Somehow, the fight took them inside Sugarcube Corner. It was Apple Bloom's idea. "Unless y'all know of some secret armory in Fluttershy's cottage," she said, "pies and pastries will haveta do!"

Of course, pies in the face aren't as effective against enemies without faces.

There were two mannequins left. There were originally three, but the Crusaders had managed to get out the old box of fireworks from when they had tried out the disastrous attempt at becoming "Cutie Mark Crusaders: Firework Operators,"  from the old days of when they lacked cutie marks of their own. Soon, after Scootaloo accidentally made a throw so horrific it knocked down a ceiling decoration, there was only one able to move still. For once, Spike was grateful that the Crusaders were somehow more chaotic than the literal embodiment of chaos.

The remaining mannequin took aim, trapping the children in a corner. It switched back and forth between the four, finally settling on the non-pony form of Spike. All four shut their eyes, holding each others' hooves and claws, expecting something at the very least painful if the burn marks the missed shots left behind were any indication. They braced for the worst.

Suddenly, there was a woosh coming from the upstairs hallway, and the children opened their eyes. It looked like... A flying cardboard box? Whatever it was knocked the weaponized arm clean from the threat's body, Leaving the shop without damaging the door. The now-disembodied arm was not so careful, firing haphazardly into the ceiling. The kids knew they had to get out of there rather quickly, so they rushed out the door, dodging laser fire like they had been for the past ten minutes. The moment they left the building, Sugarcube Corner collapsed on the two inanimate attackers. The Cakes and their children, thankfully, were on vacation in Canterlot, where absolutely nothing was going wrong whatsoever, certainly not killer shop dummies. Pinkie was probably in that cardboard box, since she was... Well, Pinkie, so she was probably OK as well.

They stood there, staring at the wreckage, panting from exhaustion. They smiled at one another, grateful they all made it out alive and well. It was Sweetie Belle who finally broke the silence.

"So, who's gonna tell the Cakes mannequins destroyed their bakery and that we had nothing to do with it?"

They all turned wide-eyed. After another moment, they all silently agreed to hide in the CMC clubhouse for the next 50 years, and headed in that direction at a speed normally reserved for breaking the sound barrier.





"Welp, we just left Ponyville! Oh, and Gaia too."

Pinkie was running around the control panel, pushing buttons, pulling levers, popping party poppers that seemed to "magically" fix themselves, inflating balloons, and spinning those weird noisemakers you often see at New Year's parties that made a weird whirring sound. Twilight for her part, noticed that the way the ship was moving reminded her of whenever Pinkie sensed a "doozy". This must be how it feels to go through one.

"Normally this would be a LOT shorter," Pinkie continued, "but I wanna make sure we're out of this entire solar system first! That way if those boring buzzkills ARE able to find my TARDIS, they don't catch wind of Gaia before I can think something up. Also, don't worry about Sugarcube Corner. I made sure not to damage it! I mean, it's not like it collapsed or anything. Now, just have to find an empty spot in space, annnnnnnnd..." The TARDIS came to a sudden halt, which jolted Twilight. "HERE WE ARE! Deep space, with nothing in it! Nothin', zilch, nada."

Pinkie turned to Twilight. "Wanna see?"

Twilight felt confused for, what, the 847th time today? "Um, Pinkie, don't we need a space suit or something? I know Princess Luna spent a thousand years on the moon, but she's also an alicorn princess, which makes her... Immortal." Why did she hesitate to say that word?

Pinkie nodded. "Yep! But the TARDIS has an air shield! It's limited, but I can hold on to you if an asteroid hits us or something. Come onnnnnn! Don't you wanna see up close what you've been looking at through a telescope your whole life?"

Twilight sighed. Yes, of course she did. She nodded.

The pair climbed up the ladder to outside. Pinkie grabbed hold of one of Twilight's hind legs... And let Twilight float up out of the Party Box.

To Twilight, it was... Indescribable. She weighted nothing, the only thing she felt being Pinkie's forehoof on her leg. She saw thousands upon thousands of stars, each revolving around a planet of their own. She saw things only theorized about, as well. Galaxies in the distance, asteroids floating aimlessly, in the far, far distance, she could even see what she could only assume was a black hole. 

She looked down to Pinkie Pie who, while not as wowed as Twilight, was still clearly awe-struck, her eyes shining brighter than the stars in the... Well, every where. Pinkie had told her that her universe had planets go around the sun, so this must have been a (possibly literal) magical experience for her. A whole universe whose natural laws were entirely different... No wonder she was excited. Twilight felt strangely happier whenever Pinkie was excited by something. She wondered why?

Twilight moved around to focus on different directions. Up down, left, right, behind her, straight ahead, and every single combination thereof. She realized that, since there was no gravity, there was no such thing as a direction. It was just... There. She shed a single tear, which she wiped away only to find that the blob of saltwater floated away, never to be seen by her again after today. She could only mutter out two words.

"It's... Beautiful."

"Yeah..."





Once they had gotten back inside, Pinkie made quick work of heading to Sontar, or at least where Sontar would have been in her universe. She punched in some co-ordinates into the console, then blew into the attached party blower. Sure enough, a low wheezing noise emanated through the machine. "That's the sound a TARDIS normally makes," Pinkie said. "Used to, it only happened when you left the breaks on, but there's just something so totally fun about that sound future models have it as a separate setting! It's a bit nostalgic for me, personally, with the Doctor and all that."

Twilight nodded. "Well, I'm assuming it works like a teleport, and our destination should be right outside, right?"

Pinkie nodded as well, but much more akin to a bobblehead on a stunt driver's motorcycle. "Yeperooni! Just be careful. If the Sontarans do exist in this universe, they're probably just as... Antsy, when it comes to party guests. Soooooo, let me go first, so I can scout things out!"

Without waiting for an answer, Pinkie went straight to the ladder outside, causing Twilight to grab her tail using her magic. "Pinkie," Twilight said, "I think we should head out together. You definitely have more experience, I'm not arguing that, but I'm the Princess of Friendship. That means I have some experience in things like diplomacy, and, as Equestria's first representative to a non-Gaian government, I feel like I should be there to meet with them."

Pinkie looked back at her friend as if she was about to ride a motorcycle through 12 flaming hoops and over 15 vats of toxic waste. "Twily, these are Sontarans. They LIVE for war! I don't mean that in the way that I live for parties, though I certainly do, I mean they are literally genetically designed for war! Like, this is what happened with Yakistan times FIFTY MILLION, Twilight! If you're going to do this, you have to be extremely careful. Like, super-duper-alley-ooper careful!"

"I swear I will, Pinkie."

"Pinkie Promise?"

Twilight didn't even hesitate. "Pinkie Promise. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

Pinkie apprehensively nodded as Twilight flew up to the entrance, waiting for Pinkie to meet her at the top. Once they were both at the TARDIS door, being just large enough for them both to stick out their heads, they peeked their heads out of the TARDIS doors, to look and see if anyone spotted them arriving.

The laser guns pointed at their faces gave them their answer.

Their four-legged captors wore armor that covered their entire, a deep, rich blue that bordered on being the color black. Their helmets covered their faces, perfectly round with only two black slits to indicate if any life was in them, and even then it was difficult to make out if there were any eyes. Interestingly, one seemed to be using unicorn magic to hold up their weapon, while the other had wings covered in lightweight armor. It seemed that Equestria was not the only planet with quadpedal lifeforms, and that quite possibly the existence of magic allowed four-legged species to have far more of a dominance than they otherwise would have.

"State your name, occupation, and purpose for landing on the planet Sontar!" 

It was unclear which one had said that, but it seemed to be coming from the direction of the winged one. Both noted that, while the voice was certainly intimidating, it also seemed to be the voice of a mare. Pinkie in particular thought this was significant, since the Sontarans of her universe were exclusively male-presenting.

After a moment, Twilight was the first to answer, looking understandably nervous and trying her best to maintain composure. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am one of the royal princesses of the nation of Equestria on the planet Gaia, and my friend and I are here on a diplomatic visit, the first venture onto another planet in our history."

Pinkie gave a calm little smile and gave a more energetic answer. "Pinkie Pie. Being Pinkie Pie. Fun!"

The two figures looked at each other at that, then glanced back to their captives. "If you are truly here for diplomacy," said the voice coming from the direction of the magic-user, "then you shall accompany us to meet with our glorious leader, Sontar Prime!" Both voices started a chant of "SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA!" that the pair of ponies were going to become all-too-familiar with. "Now," the same voice as earlier continued, "leave your box, and that is an order!"

The Time Lord and the alicorn looked at one another before they slowly exited the TARDIS. "Now then," said the pegasus Sontaran, probably, "you shall both be subjected to a thorough search, and the alicorn shall allow herself to have her horn and wings be detained. Is that understood?" Both mares nodded. "Good. Let us begin."

Both Sontarans went up to the unannounced diplomats, the pegasus going up to Pinkie and the magic user going up to Twilight. Both were subjected to metal detectors, with the one searching Pinkie finding something in her hair. As Twilight had her wings trapped via metal and her horn became attached to a highly-advanced-looking magic inhibitor, Pinkie was having a myriad of items being produced from her mane, including a rubber duck, a a paddle ball, a party hat, a collection of candy canes, twelve different kinds of noise-maker, a small metal cylindrical device (the only thing of any importance), and by complete accident a toothless alligator. "Oh, there you are, Gummy!" Pinkie gave her pet a hug before handing him to her assigned guard. "He'll be safe, right?" The Sontaran nodded. Pinkie would have said something akin to "he'd better be," but she knew not to threaten a Sontaran, even if that threat could be carried out. Sontar was not the only planet Sontarans controlled in her universe, and she doubted these ones were much different in that regard.

"Alright," said one of the guards, "since you are on a mission of diplomacy and you appear to be unarmed, we shall remove our helmets so you can view our glorious visage for yourselves." The other nodded in agreement, and both proceeded to take off their helmets. They were ponies... Of sorts. They had no mane, tail or coat, and their skin was a bit wrinkly and brown. They reminded Twilight of potatoes. And while it could have been that she was used to ponies having a wide variety of different coat and mane colors, she couldn't help but think, aside from the fact that one had a horn and the other didn't, they looked almost exactly the same. Twilight hoped that "clone race" meant exactly what she thought it meant, or else she would feel awkward for not being able to tell them apart. Well, more awkward.

Of note to Pinkie, however, was the confirmation that both were mares, if the facial structure was any sign of that fact. Sontarans were typically an all-male species. They were technically intersex, due to how they had both male and female parts, but the testosterone used to increase their strength had them almost exclusively present male, their feminine traits only showing in the rare occurence that they lived to old age. The fact that these ones were female was intriguing. She did notice that many different Gaian societies, particularly Equestria, had a matriarchal history in the same way Earth had patriarchal ones, among other planets. Could a matriarchal history be more common in this universe? If so, why? It was a question for another time, but still a worthwhile one. And aside from that, why use testosterone when any earth pony could have immense strength? Presuming they did have earth pony units, of course.

As they followed their forceful guides, the girls decided to take in their surroundings. The area they appeared to be in seemed to resemble a desert area with red sand, with Pinkie noting that it reminded her of Mars in Earth's solar system. It was apparently nighttime, judging by the lack of a sun, though there wasn't a moon, the sky being illuminated by stars. Yet, there were a myriad of ponies out and about doing various tasks, each either an earth pony, a pegasus or a unicorn. Many were involved with war preparation and to took to it rather jovially, of course, but there were a number of ponies doing other tasks such as farming and nursing, none of whom seemed particularly happy about (especially the nurse with a shovel mounted on her wall). The most striking thing, however, was that they all still looked almost exactly alike and, even more shockingly, the ones not wearing armor all had the exact same Cutie Mark. Presumably all of them did. It depicted two battle axes crossed together, akin to a coat of arms. This was true even of the ones assigned to the less warlike tasks, which would explain the grumpy attitudes they had.

Rather than focus on that and potentially upset the representatives of a species her friend had told her were specifically made for war on this diplomatic trip, something else caught Twilight's eye. "So, what kind of weapons are those? We don't really have anything like it in Equestria, and I assume the rest of our planet couldn't make heads or tails of it either." 

The pegasus seemed prideful as she answered. "These are the most advanced laser weapons in most galaxies. They are a combination of top secret laser technology with two of the most powerful emotion-based magics out there." Pinkie's ears perked up at this. She had figured laser technology would be similar, but the fact that the technology could combine with magic intrigued her. Of course, however, the Sontarans managed to find some way to combine magic and technology and immediately used it to make a weapon. Still, in fairness, so would a majority of planets.

The Unicorn continued for the pegasus, equally prideful. "Specifically, they are the magic energies of comradery and glory. While not as strong as concepts such as 'friendship-'" a word she said in a somewhat mocking tone- "Comradery is still a source of great power, and much more consistent in terms of effect. Glory, meanwhile, grows stronger and stronger in the heat of battle, as to fight in war is the greatest glory one could ever have. The most efficient part of that, however, is that the death of a fellow soldier increases both comradery, since the still-living soldier would naturally want to avenge the fallen comrade, and glory, since the dying soldier would feel the honor of dying in battle, causing her glory to join the collective magic of our reserves. It is quite efficient, and perfectly in line with our values as Sontarans!" 

The two guards, and many bystanders, joined in with a chorus of "SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA!" As they were doing so, the two friends were distraught over what they heard, although Pinkie was far less surprised by the attitude. Pinkie once again noted to herself that, even though these versions of Sontarans apparently had some form of culture, it was only to better utilize their weapons. Still, both knew the importance of not criticizing the culture they were being diplomats to. Twilight was gaining experience with that as the princess of friendship, while Pinkie had over a lifetime and a half as president of a planet to go by. Both wisely kept their mouths shut. 

After a  short while of walking, they finally reached their destination. The group ended up in a massive throne room, the walls painted a rich, dark red. The room was decorated with mounted weaponry and tapestries depicting great battles the Sontarans had with various adversaries, primarily ones with green, jellyfish-looking creatures as the enemy.

OK, thought Pinkie, some things never change.

The most magnificent thing that graced the room, however, was the apparent ruler. They were an alicorn. They had no coat and brown wrinkly skin, similar to their subjects, but they also had a mane and tail as white as snow, just as long as both Celestia and Luna's. They also had a beard the exact same color and length, though it was in a style that allowed their more feminine features to shine through. Despite the beard and the multitude of proudly displayed battle-scars, they seemed to be feminine presenting. While their appearance may not have been as impressive as the two sisters, it was still an awe to behold for the first time.

"Greetings," said the leader. They had a voice that sounded similar to the two guards, except with more weight to it and a sense of authority. Pinkie could tell they were no longer a warrior like their subjects, but that they made up for that with a mind for the theater of war. Not a soldier, but a general. Pinkie always knew, even if Sontarans could be a force to reckoned with and have an infamously uncooperative attitude, that meeting with the oldest, wisest and creator of an entire intergalactic empire would feel grandiose. This feeling was certainly amplified by the creator in question being an alicorn.

"My name is Princess Sontar Prime, and I am the leader of the proud and glorious planet of Sontar." Their (now confirmed to be her) relatively more calm introduction was following by yet another chant by the guards of "SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA!" The princess didn't join in, but her expression showed that she was taking in the chants with stride, as if listening to a beautiful and calming tune. Twilight certainly didn't share that feeling. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Nevertheless, diplomacy was diplomacy. "It's an honor to meet you, Princess. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my friend, Pinkie Pie." Pinkie gave an enthusiastic wave as Twilight continued. "I represent the kingdom of Equestria on the planet of Gaia. I am also a princess, though not the ruler of my nation. Specifically, I am known as the princess of friendship."

Twilight went on to apologize for the unannounced visit, quickly coming up with the excuse that this was their first time contacting a nation from beyond Gaia. She expressed the purpose of her visit, as a way to learn of a new culture, as well as the fact that Pinkie was the one to provide transport. Sontar Prime, for her part, listened intently.

"I shall commend to you," Sontar Prime began, "that it is certainly an honor that we are chosen as the first nation your kind has chosen to contact. We are also honored that one of these beings present is a fellow alicorn and the other is a Temporal Royal."

Pinkie blinked. "A say what now?"

"A Temporal Royal."

Pinkie was cautious with her next question. "How were you... Able to guess?"

"Simple, really. You have two hearts according to your earlier scan, and the fact that you were spotted in a cardboard box is a clear indication of a Time Ship's camouflage circuit in action."

Great, so we're able to screw up history here, too. Pinkie cleared her throat. "Alright! You got me! But I have since permanently moved onto Gaia. The ponies of Gaia are gallant, kind, and know how to have fun!"

Sontar Prime nodded. "Still, it is an honor to have a former resident of the planet Gallopfrey even step hoof onto our planet."

"I'm sure it is, though I wouldn't say it's that big of a deal and I'm sorry but did you just say say Gallop-frey?"

"Yes, what of it?"

"Oh nothing, just checking. Some ponies end up pronouncing it wrong all of the time." Pinkie yelled internally. GALLOP-FREY?!? Even in SPACE you can't escape the puns!

"Now then," continued her majesty, "are there any wars you need fighting?" 

Twilight shook her head. "No, Princess. This is purely for cultural reasons, as I've said. After all, I am the princess of friendship."

The native princess seemed almost relieved. "That's good. If you were, I'd have you each fight my greatest warriors to the death to show your worth, but I really don't want to lose my best mares to a Temporal Royal and a fellow alicorn." Twilight and Pinkie looked at one another with both concern and relief. They certainly didn't want to be fighting anypony today.

"Instead," the princess continued, "you shall be fighting each other."

The two mares shared the exact thought, and both vocalized that thought simultaneously and much louder than they intended. "WHAT?!?"

"You shall each fight until one of you causes the other to shed blood. There shall be an audience watching you in the arena, to see if you can truly live up to the standards OF THE GLORY OF SONTAR!"

"SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA!"

"Now then, you shall be escorted to your chambers until we have the battle prepared."

Twilight felt like her own nerves were shaking. "Princess, I really don't think-"

"You shall have the best accommodations we can offer on such short notice," Sontar Prime interrupted. "If you are to be an ally of Sontar, then we must give you the very best we can offer you. FOR THE SAKE OF SONTAR!"

"SONTAR-HA! SONTAR-HA!"





"LET US OUT OF HERE, YOU MASS PRODUCED MRS. POTATO HEADS!"

All in all, it was fairly nice for a prison cell. There were chairs, a table, and a semi-comfortable looking bed. Plus, privacy for the toilet in the form of a dark red curtain. Strangely, none of it utilized any advanced technology. It seemed more at home in Applelooza than on another planet. None of that stopped Pinkie from clasping the prison bars, yelling at nopony in particular, hoping that some guard was hiding just out of their line of sight.  Their captors had already taken her sonic screwdriver, so she couldn't just break out. The two friends would just have to wait to be retrieved. Twilight wondered how the actual prisoners were treated if this was how they treated ambassadors, if they even bothered taking prisoners.

Pinkie kept yelling, hoping for some form of reaction. "YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A TOY LINE THAT HAS ISSUES WITH INTIMACY! FACE ME YOU COWARDS!" But there was no response. Either these were some uncharacteristically quiet Sontarans, or there was nopony in earshot. She rested her head upon the bars and sighed. "I'm sorry, Twilight," she said quietly. "I really screwed things up this time."

Twilight sighed. "No, Pinkie, this is my fault. I'm the one who insisted we go to Sontar. I shouldn't have had you go when you knew something would go wrong."

"No, Twily, don't blame yourself. You had no idea this would happen, and I didn't think it would either." Pinkie paused for a moment. "Maybe neither of us did anything wrong."

Twilight just nodded, unsure of what to say next.

Pinkie looked back at Twilight and trotted over to her. "Hey, don't worry! Things will turn out just peachy, I'm sure of it! We just... Have to wait it out. Planning something right now seems like a mistake, we'll have to improvise a way out once they let us out of our cell. Then, we could totally kick their flanks so hard they'll be banished to the moon!"

Twilight just nodded again. Pinkie noticed she seemed... Well, sad, understandably. Pinkie, equally as understandably, didn't like seeing that. Hmm, she thought, what's the best way to cheer up Twilight? Information! Of course!

"Hey, Twily," she said softly, "we're gonna be here for a bit, sooooooo why don't you ask me questions?"

Twilight's ears perked up. Jackpot, thought Pinkie.

"What kind of questions, Pinkie?"

"Anything! Any question you might have about Gallifrey, my time with the Doctor, what it's like to rule a planet, what it was like to fight in the Time War, anything you can think of! And don't worry if it makes me uncomfortable, I'll still answer it best I can. So, what's question numero uno?"

Twilight gave a small smile. "Oh, Pinkie, you always know how to cheer me up."

And thus, the questions began. Pinkie regaled tales of the Key to Time, how she won an election against a drunk opponent, her childhood, and how the TARDIS was made and how it was bigger on the inside (Twilight was shocked to learn they were actively grown like a plant). She also told more somber tales, like her time as Romana III, the origin of the Daleks, weapons used throughout the war like continuity bombs and temporal cannons... And even some of the horrible things she did. She told of other friends she had, from the brave and noble human warrior Leela to the suave and cunning Time Lord politician Irving Braxiatel. The next few hours were filled with laughs, tears, arguments, forgiveness, a sense of wonder, a sense of dread, and countless different emotions and thought processes.

Overall, Twilight was much happier than she was before. Or at the very least, she didn't feel nearly as hopeless. This, in turn, made Pinkie feel better.

It didn't make talking about the war any easier.

"Imagine you ruled Equestria, Twilight, and creatures that were literally made to be big ol' meanies put us at war. And over the years, Equestria makes crazier and crazier weapons, just trying to keep up. Eventually, it gets to the point where your ponies stop caring about how safe a weapon is, or if it's even ethical to make. And you think 'well, this sucks, but we're dealing with the most evil things in the universe, and they don't care if they make the worstest weapons to use on us, so why not?' Then, all of a sudden, you're on the same level as these evil things in terms of firepower. Then, one day, you hear that normal, civilian ponies are being caught in the crossfire. Which again, is awful, but you're fighting the most evil things ever, so it's expected they take the war to places it shouldn't go. But when you hear what the civilian casualities were, to your horror, you realize that they don't even know which side caused more of them.

"Not only that, but your memory gets... Changed. Or is it that history is changing, and your memory managed to stay the same? Didn't you used to have more guards? You did have a sister, right? Wasn't there a sixth element-bearer? There had to be right? Why does the newspaper feel like it has different news stories than it did the first time you read it? Actually, is the newspaper shorter than before? Didn't they used to have more cartoons and a crossword puzzle? Why can't you remember any crossword puzzle all too well? Do they still exist? Does the pony who invented them still exist? So many questions, and some of them might be nothing. Just general confusion mixed in with the actual problems.

"And at one point, you reach some horrible, bad, no good conclusion. It can't be right... Except it is. Somehow, your ponies have become worse than the enemy... And so have you, because you didn't do anything to stop them. Well, if you could've done anything to stop them. There was a lot of red tape, and your messengers never told you how moral the army's tactics were getting. Why would they? They just tell you about all those fancy-schmancy new weapons that can be used to hurt the enemy, or if a battle is going well. The details might make you realize what's happening. And the worst part is, aside from the enemy, nopony's really to blame. It was like we were frogs, and the lowering of our moral standards was our boiler, and each attack by the enemy just turned the dial the tiniest bit more. It doesn't keep me from pointing hooves around, including at myself, but I digress.

"And then there were the side effects. There were points where neither side knew who they were fighting, or even who they were. I'm almost certain I'm a Time Lord, but we did reanimate a lot of our dead to fight for us, and getting them erased from history is a nightmare, so we could have had completely different names, philosophies, technologies, religion, biology... Anything really. Sometimes I wonder if that's why religion lost so much influence on Gallifrey aside from the Sisterhood of Khan... And as for the enemy, I'm pretty sure they were Daleks but... I'm not sure if that was always the case or if there was another enemy we just didn't want to name or... Whatever. I might've been president in two different time wars, or it could've just been one big one. I don't even know how many times I've regenerated! Either way, history itself was toast.

"And then, of course, there were creatures that our weapons created that technically never existed. The Meanwhiles and Neverweres, led by the Could Have Been King. Creatures made from the various paradoxes our conflicting weaponry created... They're almost impossible to describe. I can't remember what made the meanwhiles different from the neverweres, and maybe that was what made them different. The neverweres were definitely creatures that didn't exist but also... Did? They were all extremely scary anyways, and the distinction didn't really matter if they were chasing after yo-"

"Pinkie," Twilight interrupted, "you can stop now. Your hair's gone flat, and I know that means you're... Not exactly in a good place, mentally speaking."

Twilight was happy to change the subject. For one thing, it was hurting her friend to talk about it, and no amount of curiosity could make that bearable. Even if that weren't the case, however, hearing about this was... Disturbing, to say the least. Twilight couldn't imagine how it felt to watch your own kind become something horrible. It also made her a bit paranoid to think that there was any form of weaponry, magic or not, that could change history so frequently to the point where your own memories are rendered forfeit, almost to the point of uselessness. That entire ponies that you knew and loved might've been retroactively rendered non-existent. And that wasn't even touching on the fact that there were nightmarish creatures that technically didn't exist, but could still render you dead, quite literally in spite of that fact. 

Pinkie stared at Twilight for a moment, then examined her hair. It now had as much floof as spaghetti, and the bounciness of concrete. "Huh. I guess it has. Umm.... Let's change the subject, then." She gave a nervous chuckle and an awkward smile. "Do you want to know how this universe was made?"

Twilight sat stunned for a moment. The question caught her off-guard. Yes, Pinkie was a time traveling alien that fought creatures that apparently didn't technically exist, but she couldn't know... THAT much, could she? Well, even if she didn't, at the very least it was a welcome distraction. "Um... Sure?"

Pinkie cleared her throat. "OK, so before we start... I want you to know our world is real, right? It's reaaaaalllllly easy to think it might not be. Like, it could easily give you an existential crisis if I told you it outright, so just know ahead of time tha-"

"Is this about the fourth wall?"

It was now Pinkie's turn to be stunned at Twilight's question. Her hair returned to it's fluffy bouncy self as she gave a quite resonant 



"W H A T ? ! ?"



"Because Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Applejack already walked me through it. I know that our reality is real, it's just that another one sees us as fictional, and they could be fictional in another world too. And, in case you were wondering, I sense that I'm part of some comedic political satire."

"APPLEJACK? APPLEJACK KNOWS ABOUT THE 4TH WALL?!? I get that princesses might, MIGHT, know about that, but how did APPLEJACK of all ponies know? It took me years of training to get my degree in meta-pataphysics and know how to perceive my personal genre and medium! And you're telling me Applejack can teach it as well as the princesses?"

Twilight blinked, confused. Then, she thought of something. "Pinkie, you do know that sensing the fourth wall is part of earth pony magic, right?"

Pinkie looked red with anger, steam exiting her ears, but turned back into her normal pink color as she took deep breaths. "Sorry, it's just... That took me a Gaian decade to learn how to do any of that, you know? And... You're saying earth ponies can just sense it?"

"Yeah," Twilight said, slightly embarrassed. "Everypony senses it differently. AJ thinks it's a dramatic play. Princess Luna senses it as a tragic ballad, which isn't really surprising to be honest. Cadence's view on it is even less surprising! Her life is literally a romance novel according to her!" That got a giggle out of Pinkie, which Twilight knew was a good sign.

"And Celestia?"

"She thinks it's a series of propaganda posters, but you didn't hear that from me."

Both shared a small laugh, then another small, deafening silence. Pinkie spoke up again. "Well, that wasn't what I was gonna say, but I am happy you already have a grasp of that. For your information, I think it's a cartoon show! A very... Messed up one considering the war, but still a cartoon. Seriously though, the truth is crazier than that. Because, you know, our world would still exist if nopony told stories about us in another universe."

Twilight was intrigued, as most would be. "So what did create our universe?"

Pinkie gave a nervous chuckle of her own. "Would you believe me if I said it all started in a place called Deffry Vale High School?"

"... What?"