//------------------------------//
// The Worst Night Ever 
// Story: Not Here 
// by ulcuran 
//------------------------------//

‘’You!’’ I lock eyes with the one pony that I did not want to see this night. This time I’m not on the ground and tied up like an animal. This time we are standing up straight. Calm down, don’t make a scene. Why? Do we not deserve retribution? Even if we do, do both of you seriously want to ruin this night? I wouldn’t mind if I got to- You would ruin Luna’s night too. 

…okay, maybe let’s calm down a little. What?! NO! Look, as much as I hate her guts, Luna is like, one of the only two good things that’s happened to us in this world. I don’t want to ruin that. …fine. We still need to get back at her. Definitely…okay, I want that too. Look at her stand. It’s been a few hours since the gala started. And her stand looks full! Ohhh yes, shall we rub that in her dumb stupid cowhorse face? YES! Don’t take it too far. Humiliate her! 

My frowning eyebrows relaxed and with the cockiest grin I could put up, I slowly make my way over to her stocked-up ugh, apple stand. Wait. What now? What if she has already sold a lot and already re-stocked? …I didn’t think about that. Uhhh, I’ll think of something. This is going to be terrible… 

The apple fiend is surprised by my sudden change in tone and behaviour and she has a quizzical look on her face. Getting closer to the stan- is that a bucket? Yes, it is. What the hell is a bucket doing here? Before talking to that orange horse I allow myself to take a quick look at the bucket. It has two bits at the bottom. Huh? No way… is she…is she using the bucket as a register? And it only has two bits? … …don’t be too hars-STRIKE HER DOWN! 

I burst out laughing. 

‘’What are you laughing at huh?!’’ She yells slamming her hoof on the counter of the stand.

‘’I-this- oh my god.’’ I’m barely holding back myself from crumbling to the ground in a fit of laughter. ‘’You-you, the gala started like 2 hours ago and you made 2 bits?! A bit per hour?’’ I point to the bucket with one hoof and with the other hold my stomach. 

She scoffs.‘’Oh yeah? At least it’s hard-earned! Not like you would know much about hard work.’’ 

What? 

I slam both of my hooves onto the stand, and some of the food falls from their places onto the ground. 

‘’Hey! You’re paying for that!’’ 

‘’I don’t know hard?’’ I raise my voice.  ‘’…Do you know how it feels to wake up in a forest unable to even walk, so you have to crawl away to somewhere safe?’’ Louder. Stop. ‘’To be in the hands of someone or something you don’t know entirely? And to resort to hiding like rats in the sewers?!’’ I spit the words out with the bitterest venom as if I were a snake. More bitter. No. ‘’To finally eat something for the first time in two days which was only three apples? And to get tied down like a beast, hosed down like a monster!?’’ More fury. Stop. ‘’Too scared of what’s to come-’’ No. ‘’-that you resort to cutting yoursel-’’ I SAID STOP! ‘’...’’

With heavy breaths, I calm down enough to see Applejack’s flustered face. My outburst clearly has her taken aback. Take a deep breath…and get out of here. Fuck the pie. 

‘’I’m outta here, fuck you and your apples, don’t talk to me.’’ I turn around and start walking in a random direction. 

‘’Wha-? W-wait!’’ 

‘’I said fuck off!’’ She backs down and doesn’t say a word. Good. The few ponies who were in the vicinity stop talking and all look at me. ‘’What are you all looking at?!’’ They all turn back their heads to avoid looking at me. Cowards. Compose yourself.

Listening to some live classical music, should calm the nerves, right? It would. Yeah, let’s do that. The maids were talking about some famous musician coming to play at this party. Let’s hope they really are good as those ponies are saying. I would not be surprised if their name is Ponygang Amaryllis Mozeralla. Or should I be surprised? Yes, just get used to it. Easier said than done. 

Turning around a corner I bump into someone and I don’t fall, wow. I’m surprised, at least I’m only knocked back a couple of steps and not knocked down on the ground, these ponies can be strong. As strong as a horse even. …no. Awww, come on. It’s not that bad. See? You’re right, it’s not that bad. It’s the worst one yet. 

‘’Oh, I’m terribly sorry- Laika? What coincidence we run into each other darling!’’ Huh? Is that Rarity? 

‘’Rarity? I’m sorry.’’ I should probably thank her, she saved me from that buzzing rainbow fly. 

‘’It’s fine darling, you seem upset did something happen?’’ Damn, am I still frowning like a grumpy old man? 

‘’It’s… fine, just had a bad time talking with someo-somepony.’’ Ugh, maybe we can still use those words? There are different species, right? True, they can’t call that little fire-breathing lizard-dragon-whatever, a somepony. Eh, better to be cautious. 

Rarity winces and her brows furrow. ‘’I know that feeling, some ponies are just unbearable.’’ 

‘’Heh, you said it.’’ She’s the best one I talked to all night, I wonder if she saw Luna? ‘’Hey, have you seen Luna by any chance?’’ 

Her smile falters a little but she doesn’t let it fall from her face entirely. ‘’Well, no I haven’t seen her.’’ Dang. ‘’Since she is not here why don’t we spend some time together darling?’’ Is she…is she fluttering her eyelashes? 

‘’Sure, you’re the most enjoyable company I had since the party started.’’ Her smile becomes wider.  ‘’Oh thank you for saving me from that pegasus too.’’ 

‘’No need to thank me darling, Rainbow and I are friends, she just had things confused.’’ Uh-huh, confused. Yeah sure. She looked like she was going to dive-bomb us like a Stuka. She didn’t have the siren sound. Would you prefer if she did? …no. I thought so. Stop comparing weird magical ponies to planes. We have a pegasus named Spitfire, how can we not compare them? …Okay, that’s fair. 

‘’I was on my way to listen to the live music in the main hall. I heard that they brought in a famous musician.’’ 

‘’They’re probably talking about Octavia, and you didn’t hear wrong darling. She is a master at Cello, it’s simply divine.’’ 

Octavia? That’s…well, I guess that’s better than what I was thinking. But still, giving naming your child Octavia? Yeesh, think about the parental pressure. Maybe that’s why she became so good? I still haven’t heard her though, did I actually hear any kind of music since I came here actually? No. Really? Huh. 

Let’s listen to some pony Cello then, I continue my way to the main hall with Rarity in tow. When I open a door and let her go first, ladies first and all that, she squeals. Wha-? These ponies man. They’re a fun bunch. 





‘’Sister? How do we look?’’ 

‘’Luna?’’ Celestia turns her head, and her eyes widen. ‘’You look absolutely amazing sister.’’ She smirks and continues with a teasing tone. ‘’Do you want to look good for somepony?’’ 

‘’N-no! It’s just…we art a princess are we not?’’ Luna puts a hoof over the other one and looks away. ‘’A princess should have a fitting look for a night such as this.’’ 

‘’Mhmmnn, of course sister.’’ Celestia has to stop her from giggling like a little filly since another guest comes and she has to greet them, they don’t notice Luna. 

‘’Where is he?’’ Luna looks around but sees no sight of her knight.

‘’Where is who sister?’’ Celestia tilts her head and acts oblivious. ‘’Ohhh, your knight? He is most likely enjoying the night. Maybe even with another m-’’ Luna doesn’t even let her sister finish her sentence and starts walking down the stairs a bit faster. She didn’t even look at Twilight, who was listening to the whole conversation. 

‘’Ummm, Princess?’’ 

‘’Yes dear?’’ Celestia shakes another hoof.

‘’I didn’t know Princess Luna had a knight.’’ Twilight does the same as her mentor, her hoof is aching from all the shaking it has received this night. 

‘’Oh, you already met him, sadly you didn’t get to talk to him much.’’ 

‘’He is her knight? That’s…’’ 

‘’Surprising isn’t it?’’ Celestia smiles. ‘’They became great friends quickly.’’ But she sighs. ‘’Though I didn’t expect her to make him her knight.’’ 

‘’Is he why she-’’ 

‘’Yes, most likely, actually no, she definitely did that for him.’’ Another hoof shake, Celestia is an expert at these.

‘’Huh.’’ Twilight? Not so much, she might need some ice after this. 

‘’I will need to talk to all of you after the night is over by the way dear.’’ 





‘’Wait up, there’s a puddle.’’ I stop Rarity before she can slip on the water on the ground. 

‘’Hmm? Oh, how chivalrous!’’ She smiles and flutters her eyelashes again. ‘’One’s cloak should take care of i-’’ I walk around the puddle. ‘’...well that would certainly work too.’’ She loses the step in her voice. Huh? What did I do? Does she seriously expect me to cover the water with my clothing? Nuh-uh not happening. I ain’t getting my suit dirty for no reason. It’s about the principle. Nah, she would not want to see the suit she made dirty too. That’s true. 

Damn, Rarity was not lying, that pony can play one good cello. It’s like music to my ears. It’s literally that dumbass. Well, is it wrong? It’s not but you don’t use it lik- why am I explaining this? Anyhow she is really good despite having hooves. 

‘’She’s good.’’ 

‘’I told you she was darling.’’ 

Wait is that the pink pony from earlier climbing the stage, yeah she is. What the hell is she doin- is she whispering to the musicians? Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Rarity becoming more and more restless. Is it because of the pink one? 

…I might have heard the most terrible song of all time in my entire life. Yell at her to come off the stage. Don’t do that, but let’s hope that she doesn’t continue. I mean ‘The pony pokey?’

‘’Young lady, this is not that kind of ‘‘partay’’.’’ A random mare steps up and shuts her up. Thank you local noble or aristocrat pony, you have saved my earbuds, please let Octavia continue. 





‘’Applejack yes?’’ Applejack looks up and sees Princess Luna herself. Maybe she can finally sell some apples. She could definitely use it after her well, confrontation with the thief in a suit. 

‘’Yep, how could I help ya, Princess? Want an apple fritter? Caramel apples? Apple pi-’’ The princess raises her hoof so she has to stop talking. 

‘’Have thou seen a pony in a purple suit?’’ Huh? Why was the princess asking about him? 

‘’I-uhh, yeah?’’ 

‘’Where?’’ 

‘’He stopped here, and uhh-’’ Should she tell the princess about what happened? Maybe she should but she just has this little voice at the back of her mind that’s telling her no. Don’t tell her. Well, trusting her gut has always worked until this point. ‘’-he went thataway.’’ She points to where he left storming off. 

‘’Thank you fair Applejack.’’ Luna turns around and leaves just as quickly as she came back. Applejack sighs and her shoulders droop. The princess didn’t buy a thing, no one still bought anything except for that one pie. 

Another group of ponies by her stand taking one look and turning their head around losing all interest. 

‘’Let’s go to the buffet for some… hors d’oeuveres.’’ 

Huh? No wonder no pony wants her food. They’re all fillin’ up all on that fancy-schmancy vittles. Well, her apples are way better than what they are servin’ up here. She just has to dress em up a little. 





‘’Rarity?’’ 

‘’Y-yes?’’ 

‘’That pink one is your friend right?’’ 

‘’Well I don’t mean to sound rude-’’ Sound rude, please don’t. ‘’-can you tell her to umm stop?’’ 

The pink one was now blasting something a DJ would blast at a nightclub, I don’t know why. Maybe she’s just an idiot? Maybe she just wants to liven up the party. 

‘’She means well…’’ Rarity looks away and tries to hold her smile. 

‘’Sure.’’ I sigh and look around for Luna again. She got Rarity to make this suit for me and she is not here? 

‘’Alright, you high-class ponies I got something you will all finally like.’’ What is that voice? Don’t tell me that apple bitc-...deep breaths. Turning my head so slowly that it would bring snails to shame I see that tick making her way toward the middle of the room while pushing a cart that had a huge cake on it. 

‘’Ah, shall we eat some apple cake?’’ Rarity asks while eyeing the cake.

‘’No thanks. You can have some but none for me-’’ 

‘’STAGE DIVE!’’ Wha-? I snap my neck to the yelling and see the pink one has just jumped from the stage…and she is flying towards the cart. 

*crash* 

Ufff, she landed right on the edge. That’s gotta hurt, good, no, not good. Wait why is everyone running away? I raise my head ever so slightly and come face to face with the bottom of the cake. Ah. 

*splash* 

Agh! My whole body and face get covered in the cold icing and the bits of cake. My feet, they’re slipping! I fall down backward, and my back hits something hard? Using every bit of strength left in my body I wipe the icing from my eyes. 

Is that Celestia’s face coming closer? That’s her statue, we’re gonna get crushed. We’ll endure. Huh, I always thought that Celestia would be my downfall. I didn’t think it would be like this. I close my eyes. No…

Suddenly my eyes are pried open and I feel like every muscle in my body is tensing up, it’s like I’m being pumped full of adrenaline. I feel…I feel, Powerful. Seems like it’s not over for us yet. I put all four of my hooves upwards to try and stop the incoming statue. 

*whooosh* 

A burst of wind, or a lightning strike? The rainbow one is right on top of me in the blink of an eye and she is holding my impromptu golden executioner on her back. All my muscles relax, I lose all the strength I thought I had and let my head fall back on the ground. 

‘’Agh.’’ I groan

‘’Heh, The Wonder Bolts are sure to see me no-woah!’’ 

Oh no, she is staggering. I cover my head and try to crawl from under her. A weight gets lifted off me, I see my savior wobbling left and right with the statue on her back. The statue bumps into one of the many columns. Can we just have a second of peace? 

The first one falls towards the second one and the second one falls towards another one, it creates a domino effect each and every single column falls, thankfully none of them injure anyone or me. Whew looks like I used all my bit of luck here now. 

‘’Luna?’’ Celestia was on her way to the main hall with Twilight beside her, they greeted all the incoming guests, she could finally eat some cake tonight. Hehehe. But before they entered the hall she saw her sister. 

‘’Sister?’’ Luna stops before she opens the door and looks towards her. 

‘’Ah, I don’t see your knight anywhere, still haven’t found him?’’ She giggles. 

‘’He should be here, no use waiting any longer.’’ 

‘’Oh? Impatient to spend some time with him?’’ 

Luna sighs and opens the door. They all draw back from the sight. The whole hall is a mess. All of Twilight’s friends look guilty. Luna in a panic throws herself into the room. 

‘’Laika?!’’ 

‘’...Luna?’’ A voice comes from behind a fallen down column. She quickly leaps 
over it and sees her knight. Covered in cake, icing, and dust from the destruction. Thankfully no injuries were in sight. She uses her magic to slowly lift him into the air. 

‘’Are you hurt?’’ She pulls him closer and examines him again. 

‘’No… but I feel like shit. C-can you just take me to my room?’’ He closes his eyes and leans on her.

‘’Of course. We’re so sorry for not being by your side.’’ She gently places him on her back, and slowly walks towards the ways she entered. 

‘’Is he alright Luna?’’ Celestia puts a hoof on her sister's shoulder and looks toward Laika to see if he is hurt. 

Luna sighs. ‘’Yes, but we will be taking him to his room.’’ Her voice gains a sudden edge and she looks towards the silent Twilight behind her sister. ‘’Listen here girl, if one of your friends is directly responsible for this-’’ She cranes her neck and looks towards the disheveled elements, who try to make themselves smaller. ‘’-you’ll never set a hoof in this castle ever again.’’ 

‘’I-I- understand Princess.’’ Luna leaves without saying one more word.

At least things can’t get any worse. Who is that guy to Princess Luna anyhow? She seems very protective of him- Why is the room shakin- The door across from them bursts open with animals trying to escape from something.

‘’YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE ME!’’ 

‘’Um-I-uhh.’’ Twilight looks towards her teacher, unsure of what to say.

Celestia leans down. ‘’Run.’’ All of them including the princess make a quick getaway. 



Uhhh, where am I? I slowly open my eyes and see that I’m in my room? Huh, did Luna carry me, yes we asked her to, remember? Right. I’m in my bed, in my room, after a cake fell down on me and I almost got crushed to death, twice. 

‘’Laika! How do you feel? Are you better?’’ A voice from my right interrupts my thought process. Is that Luna? 

‘’I’m fine, wait wasn’t I covered in cake?’’ 

‘’We cleaned you and put you to bed.’’ She sits beside my bed.

‘’…sorry for that.’’ 

‘’Why are thou apologizing?’’ She looks away almost ashamed. ‘’It should be us who is apologizing, we were not by your side.’’ 

‘’Well, it’s fine. You told me to stay by Celestia and I didn’t, we just couldn’t bump into each other I guess.’’ 

‘’Still-’’ She tries to apologize again, nope not gonna happen.

‘’Luna it’s okay. It’s not your fault you know?’’ 

‘’Okay…we’ll leave you to rest.’’ She leaves my side and is making her way to the door. Say something? What? She is dressed up. She is. She is wearing a dark blue dress that fell down to her back leg’s wrists, and the front which goes up the knees. And a beautiful moon right in the middle of it. Oh and moon earrings too, well she is the Princess of the night. 

‘’Luna! Wait!’’ She stops and looks back. ‘’You look…you look amazing.’’ Her eyes widen and she quickly looks away. 

‘’W-we thank thee. N-now rest, you can gaze upon us when thou are better.’’ She quickly leaves the room and almost slams the door in a hurry, I can hear her hooves clopping on the marble floor, is she running? 

Well, at least one good thing happened this night. I want to- no I need to sleep. If I go out and see that apple bitch I will suffocate her in her own cake. I close my eyes and hit the hay. Hah, hay, get it? Enough. You’re no fun. 

I wake up and I’m not in my room? Everywhere is whiteness, is this a nightmare again? Can I actually not have one moment of peace? 

‘’Hellooo.’’ 

‘’Hey pal.’’ 

Turning my head I see two humanoid figures. One all black, I mean like pure darkness. Wearing a mask that is sulking, almost frowning? And the one next to it is all white, with a mask that is smiling, or laughing? 

‘’I’d say laughing.’’ 

‘’What? You can-’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, are we an idiot? You’re us and we’re you.’’ 

‘’Huh, why are you wearing those masks though? Wait aren’t those ancient Greek theatre masks?’’ 

‘’Yeah, they are, looks like we don’t really have an active imagination. Couldn’t come up with an original idea.’’ 

‘’I personally like them.’’ 

‘’Soo? Is this a dream? Or have I finally lost it?’’ 

‘’Oh no pal, we’re not insane…yet.’’ 

‘’This place? Well, it’s your mind. But we can just say you’re in a dream.’’ 

‘’Forget about it, we have a bigger problem.’’ 

‘’What? How? I mean It’s our mind, right? We can just imagine it away.’’ 

‘’Well, the thing is, we’re not alone here.’’ 

‘’We can’t just imagine this away.’’ 

A voice, a foreign voice, a voice that does not belong here cuts through. 

‘’Hehehe, you really are something.’’ 

Both of ‘me’ look above me and glare at the origin of the voice. I gulp and slowly turn around to face the music. I see…Luna? 

‘’It’s not her.’’ 

‘’She’s dangerous.’’ 

‘’A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Sir Knight.’’ She gives out a small bow. ‘’I believe we have so much to talk about.’’  And gives me a smile that is both terrifying yet so beautiful at the same time.