So, inside Princess Celestia’s bedchambers. This is probably somewhere many have been in, and definitely somewhere thousands would love to dream to be in. You know, seeing their beloved Sunshine sprawled out on the bed, ready for… Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I can’t even begin to think of my friend getting ready for that stuff of all things. Like yeah, I’m sure she’s bedded a few hundred stallions, or mares; swinging both ways isn’t uncommon amongst ponykind and is widely accepted. Anyways, Celestia was still getting ready, since cleaning makeup is still a pain in the ass, no matter the universe or whatever it’s applied onto. I had previously gotten out of the bath and was subsequently dried off by Celestia before she decided to hog the bathroom. The spot I was laying exactly where I usually lay down when I have to stay in the castle overnight.
The bed… Well, pony beds were usually very similar to human beds, though bigger to accommodate… Well, ponies do tend to sleep on their sides more, so they take a larger footprint when sleeping. Something I’ve learnt is that ponies sleep on their sides, like dogs, if they’re actually sleeping. Ponies share more sleeping positions with dogs and cats than they do with horses… or ponies from earth. If a pony is sleeping on their stomach, they’re usually just napping and are one loud noise from jumping into action. Ponies, mostly foals, sploot, yes, it’s adorable. Celestia usually sleeps like a hen, on her stomach, because it’s the most comfortable for her. Though when I snuggle up with her, she lays on her side and lets me partially use her as a pillow.
Considering my best friend was a literal Princess, her bedroom was pretty minimalistic. It had a purple bed, since purple dye is more expensive than other dyes due to how it’s made. The bed itself was a blanket less, giant, fluffy matt on the ground that looked very unlike a regular bed. For one, it was closer to the ground which made getting on and off the bed really easy. Why the bed was so low to the ground, when the pony that typically lays down in it is super tall, is beyond me. There’s no canopy, like in any of the castle’s guest room beds, probably because if there was, Celestia could easily stab it with her horn on accident. It had a giant, golden pillow that was more like a giant, golden body pillow that was actually sewed into the bed.
It was a really nice bed.
Right in front of the bed was a large, fancy fireplace. Sitting on it was a log holder that was… well, holding logs that were blackened, likely from frequent nights of being used. There was an open chimney thing that spouted smoke towards one of the windows. Behind the bed was a banner of the night sky, the design was simple. Five stars were rising up to a sixth, larger star that clearly had some prominence of sorts. The banner probably had some symbolism, but I’m too stupid to figure out what.
There was a large, open balcony, likely to make raising and lowering the Sun and Moon easier for the Princess. Next to the door was a fake bush.
I set down my book as I heard the door open, since the bathroom was in a different part of Celestia’s chambers, and in came Celestia. She had a plain, white bath towel on her head, and a nicely cleaned face… and more makeup. It was barely noticeable, but I could tell now that a newer, fresher layer had been applied to her face. I, personally, thought she looked fine without makeup, but then again, I think every pony looks fine.
“I’m sorry for taking so long. Makeup is surprisingly hard to wash out of your fur after it gets caked into it,” she used her magic to ruffle the towel on her mane, before pulling it off. Her mane… slowly started working its way back into its usual state. “However, I am now ready to take you and Twilight out for minigolf. Would you like to go retrieve her? I will meet you out by the castle gates if you do. If not, we shall meet you by the castle gates.”
“Eh, I might as well go say ‘hi’ to Twilight Sparkle.” I got up and stretched. “East Tower, right? Top floor?”
“Correct, I will see you two soon!” I walked up, collected a nuzzle from Celestia, and walked out the bed chambers, out Celestia’s regular chambers, and out into the halls of Canterlot Castle.
Every single hallway in this stupid castle looks the same. Red carpet, light blue and lighter light blue in a stripe pattern. Pillars to match that had a blue gladiant that went up the pillars… It was boring. Every door was so… bland, save Celestia’s double doors with her cutie marks painted onto each door. If it weren’t for the guard that’s leading me throughout the castle, I would’ve gotten lost as soon as I rounded the corner. The guards were actually pretty nice to me, since I was good friends with Celestia.
“So,” my escort said, hoping to break the silence. Even if it was unprofessional, guards were very lax with me. “You visit the Princess’s private chambers quite often.”
“Yeah. We snuggle up together sometimes and read by the fireplace. Is that weird?”
“Well, there has been a rumor flying around the castle, I just wanted to know if it was true or not; it’s a bet that’s going down with every guard.” My guard, like any of the Royal Guards, was dressed in golden armor. Blue mane that poked out the helmet that left way too much of the neck exposed, a breastplate that went over the back, and left the underbelly fully exposed. It was something I pointed out, and apparently that armor was more ornamental than anything.
“What’s the rumor?” I asked.
“Everypony in the castle thinks you’re more than just a student in the Princess’s eyes.” I could guess where he was going with that, but I just titled my head like the idiot that I am. “We all think you’re her new consort.”
“I was told that every guard in this castle was debriefed on who the hell, what the hell, and why the fuck I am here. You know that, right?”
“I do, sir. But some ponies are saying the Princess’s standards for mates are quite high, so she uses your ‘backstory’ to cover up the fact that she probably conjured you up with a magical spell.” I snorted at that. “I take it that some of the rumors are wrong?”
“What happened was I woke up in a crater, beaten and battered. I was moved here for some reason. I don’t know why, won’t question why. As for Celestia, if she does consider me attractive, I would be beyond flattered. Especially since she, and many other mares around here, say I’m pretty average looking for a unicorn. Hell, Twilight said I am slightly below average. Talk about hurting my ego, huh?” I chuckled. “But no, Celestia’s a good friend to me, and my only friend in all of Equus. With that said, I am very attached to her.
“It might be because she’s the only thing anchoring me to sanity, it could be because she’s the one constant I’ll have in life. It could genuinely just be the fact that I enjoy hanging out with her. But my brain isn’t a pony’s, my man. If it were, I would probably be head over heels for her,” the guard raised an eyebrow. “That means I would be stoked to possibly be dating Sunbutt,” I explained. That’s a saying that doesn’t pass with ponies since they don’t really have heels. The guard’s eyes widened at that. “Oh please, I could call Celestia a bitch and she wouldn’t give a shit. We call each other names all the time, sometimes it’s super vulgar. I get called ‘bitch boy’ because of how scrawny I am.
“But.. I can probably love Celestia, and definitely do, love her for her personality. I can’t find her physically attractive, I haven’t been nurtured into revering her as a god. I simply love her as a friend. If I find out she wants to date, hey, I’m down; me sleeping with a pony is the least weird thing humans have slept with. I know a dude who… tried sleeping with a vending machine.” The guard chuckled at that. “Yeah, humans are fucked up pieces of shit. Long story short though, no, I’m not making Celestia make sexy sounds… yet.”
“Dude! You can’t talk about the Princess like that!”
“What? You wanted an answer, and I gave you one. Celestia just wants a cuddle buddy; having one of those is actually pretty vital to a happy pony, according to some of the psychology books I’ve read. And I don’t mind being the cuddle buddy if it means I get to use a fluffy horse as a pillow.”
“Dude, you just called Celestia a slur.”
“I call her that all the time. She then calls me a random human slur that I’ve told her. No clue what any of the said slurs means, but Celly will throw a random one at me every time I accidentally call her a horse.”
“...You’re corrupting her.”
“Mmm… probably. However, I don’t think she’s complaining about having somebody to relax around. She has to keep up this ‘I am perfect, I am pretty, I am the princess’ act so much that I’m surprised she hasn’t broken down and lost it in public. Gotta commend her for her self control.”
“...Dammit.”
“You lost the bet?”
“Yeah… half of the entire guard ended up putting some bits into the pot. We all thought you two were dating.” Sucks to suck, my dude. Sucks to suck.
Stairs, I hate you. Why was Twilight’s humble abode at the top of a tower? Well, I don’t know, but I would like a word with whoever thought that was a good idea. The room was rather big, of course it was, it was meant to hold Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s protege. Honestly, she deserves this special treatment; she is, by my understanding, the most advanced unicorn in every single system of magic. Whereas I am only decent with Runes and making new Runes, Twilight could very easily wipe my mind, if she knew how, perform rituals that usually take several dozen unicorns to perform, on her own. The third, harder system of magic is something she excels at, and is only second to her own teacher.
I could be happy with Twilight being leagues better than me, especially since she was actually born as a unicorn, and was genuinely talented. The problem I have with Twilight is that I know she doesn’t like me all that much, and she is a bit of a dick even if she did like me.
The room of the tower was pretty open, being lined with bookshelves of all sorts. The downstairs section of the tower was clearly the living space, with her bed just off to the side of the door and in its own slot. There was relatively an opening in the wall that led to a balcony with a very fancy, albeit, outdated looking telescope. Beside that was a smaller bed, likely for her number one assistant, and adoptive draconic sibling, Spike. There was a very open upstairs that was practically a small library, even if it was bigger than some libraries I’ve seen on Earth. The stairs leading up to the library/upstairs portion of the room was a long, spiraling staircase at the back wall of the room that slowly went up and round until it eventually reached the room above. Above that was another floor that was basically just an extension of the second floor’s library.
Despite Twilight’s room being… the room of a young adult mare, it was pretty bare of anything beyond the books, or the studying desk just right of the staircase when you make it upstairs and into the library portion of the room. Obviously everything was very nice, there were a few fake potted plants, and some of the windows had painted glass that was covered in stars. It was… boring and lacked personality. It was incredibly neat, but that was it. I know I was one to talk, given that my room was just as lacking in personal touch, but I had an excuse.
I was basically broke.
Twilight was sitting on a purple, very plush couch in the center of the room, reading a book, apparently it was lounge time for her, in her own made up schedule. Spike was sitting on the couch beside her reading a comic book. He looked up from it when he heard the door close. “Oh, what’s up dude!” The dragon hopped down from his spot after setting his comic book, one called Power Ponies, and walked up to me to greet me.
“Hey little man,” I stuck my hoof out and we brofisted. I walked over to the couch and took a gander at what Spike was reading. “Ah, Power Ponies. I always see those at the library, but never grab them. Are they any good?”
“Oh heck yeah it is! This is the one where Fili-second races against time to save Maretropils from blowing up!”
“Mmm,” I hummed, looking it over. “Man, what would I do to read a comic from my home again. I was a pretty huge nerd, believe it or not.”
“How? You’re so cool-”
“Spike, I… I’m cool?”
“Yeah dude. Despite how you suddenly appeared out of nowhere, you are really good with magic, and you’re so… nonchalant about it. It’s cool to see somepony to never flaunt how good they are at their special talent.”
“Pfft, me? Good at magic? I can just about able to do Runes without hurting myself.”
“Dude, do you know who I am the number one assistant of?” I nodded. “You’ve made your own Rune dude. That alone is really hard. And then you’re good with Runes, and passable in the other magical systems that exist.” That is a little generous, with ‘passable’ in the other categories, but cool. “And you seem to have an affinity for fire spells, for some reason, with you trying to shorten them and all-”
“Ahem,” Twilight coughed. “Source, not that I am not glad to see you, but why are you here?”
“I uh… Celestia and I just got back from having lunch at a little cafe somewhere in town. After some… complications-”
“She expelled you from her teachings?” You don’t have to sound or look so eager, Twilight.
“No, she bathed me, she cleaned makeup off her face, and we both decided to go play some mini-golf. I was gonna invite you and Spike, since I figured you two would like a break from constantly studying, but if you wanna be a dick muncher,” Spike had to withdraw a laugh. “I can just take Spike with me and Celly; she really would like you to come along, Twilight. Just come along and pretend to like me for your mentor’s sake? We both hate each other, let’s be completely clear with that, but we both do cherish Celestia, right?”
“Of course I do! The Princess is like a second mother to me.”
“And Celly’s my best friend. I want her to have a good time, not sit awkwardly and watch the two of us bicker all day. So c’mon, we have some holes to fill,” I said with a bit of edge in my voice. I knew exactly what I was doing with that innuendo. “Celestia would love having some holes filled too, so perhaps the three of us-”
“Source Code!”
“Okay, yeah, that was too far. I don’t think I could imagine having sex with Celestia. She’s too… Well, amazing, honestly. I don’t think I stand a fat lick in hell’s chance at dating her.”
“...What?”
“What?”
“But with how you two are acting around each other…”
“Twilight, he’s a bro; we’re all dense and a bit stupid.”
“Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia.”
The four of us were sitting in Twilight’s tower’s living room. Celestia came up after Spike sent a letter to him, and apparently Celestia chose to take her sweet time coming up. So while we were waiting, I spent the next six minutes begging Spike to show me how to do that, before grumbling about how much cooler dragons were. Of course, I had Spike shoot some more fire beforehand while running a diagnostic spell, the one spell in the Hybrid system that I could perform reliably, before nodding.
I see how it’s doing what it does… Now I just gotta figure out how to recreate that.
Back to us, Celestia was laying on the couch, with me snuggled up under one of her wings, while Twilight and Spike sat on the other side from us on a couch that wasn’t there before. “So, you two aren’t dating?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at us.
“I don’t think we are,” I hummed. “I feel like I would’ve noticed by now, but I’ve never really talked to women before, so…”
“Women?” Twilight asked. Fuck.
“Mares, I’m sorry for using synonyms.”
“They aren’t!”
“Twilight, why would it be such a big deal if the two of us were dating?” Celestia asked.
“Because for all we know, he could be a spy from another country! His personal records only go back to five weeks ago! He clearly shows no respect for you, if he’s calling you ‘Sunbutt’.”
“I respect Celestia a lot, madam. Heavily so, but I still respect her desires to be treated like she was any other person you’d meet on the streets. It just happens that that random person I bumped into on the streets is pretty cool, and pretty nice. Despite how much I call her stupid… Or how much she makes me feel even dumber after playing a simple trick on my stupid ass.” I leaned back and nuzzled Celestia with my cheek. “She’s great, honestly. I doubt that she’d be interested in dating me.”
“But she keeps nuzzling and nipping you! She’s wearing bucking makeup! She has her wing draped over you right now! Heck, she grooms you whenever I turn my back for just a few seconds!”
“So?”
“That’s what mares usually do to court stallions. She’s only done a mixture of earth ponies and pegasi courting gestures-”
“Why do you know this?” I asked.
“I had to tell my old foalsitter about my brother once, and then she started doing the same things Princess Celestia’s doing to you right now.”
I slowly turned my head and looked up at Celestia. “You didn’t tell me this?”
“I thought you would’ve figured it out on your own, after all those body language books I sent home with you as your first homework assignment.”
“Darn,” I chuckled. “I thought you told me everything. I thought you were just being affectionate; ponies in Equestria are a lot more affectionate than I am used to anyways, so I figured best friends just nuzzled, wing hugged and cuddled together… I didn’t accidentally say ‘I love you did I’?”
“You falling asleep on me several times is a form of flirting; it means you’re comfortable around me.”
“...How do you not know this stuff, Source Code?”
“I’m not a pony,” I answered plainly. “I’m a being from another world, that ended up as a pony. Pony body language isn’t something I know off the top of my head, Twilight.”
“...Huh?”
“I’ll tell you later, Twiggies, the adults are speaking.” Spike snorted at that. Twilight’s biologically older than I am by a year.
“So Celly, you’ve been trying to court me the whole time?”
“I have… It’s why I put makeup on in the first place. I wanted our first date to be a special occasion; I don’t dabble with makeup often, unless it’s for special occasions to me personally.”
“Huh…” I nuzzled her. “Well, I would be seen as a bit of a weirdo, dating a pony and all.” I hummed. “Why were you trying to court me anyways?”
“Well, you’re very average looking,” she hums. “But I do enjoy how average you look, and your coat’s shade of blue is rather pleasant to look at. Your mane compliments nicely, and despite what you say, I would say you’re an intelligent, young stallion…” I know my looks aren’t the main thing, but I could see Celestia, and even Twilight look me up and down as she said this. Celestia was looking at me with a bit of possessiveness in her eyes. “But most importantly…” She licked my cheek. Now that I know what that seemingly innocent, friendly gesture was, I felt my cheeks start heating up a little. “Oh, you look so cute when you’re blushing!” Celly squealed.
“But I love how you don’t treat me like my ponies do. You’re willing to call me out when I’m being stupid, in your eyes. You have no fear of me, despite knowing what I am fully capable of. You… admittedly, are one of the few escapes I have in Equestria from me being a Princess. I do genuinely love my position, but sometimes having somepony around to make me feel normal is rather nice. The way you joke around me, the fact that you aren’t inherently rude, but is in fact ‘rude’ is quite nice after having several hundred ponies praise you or treat you like a deity everyday.” She nuzzled me. “Your flanks do look rather nice when you walk, by the way.”
“...Holy shit, how does this happen?”
“What?” Celestia asked.
“I get zapped by something, wind up in another universe… and end up accidentally making a Princess like me.”
“Indeed you have; all by being your dumb, braver than intelligent, self.”
I slowly raised my hooves to my head, took a deep breath, and lowered them. I did this about thirty or forty times.
“Are you going to have another panic attack?” Celestia asks. “Or do you not like me in such a manner?”
“No,” I took another deep breath. “Purely based on your personality, Celly, you are my type of girl, I guess. Funny, smart, always at least chuckles at my jokes… I never dated anyone back home, but I know I would simply love having somebody listen to my stupid jokes, or just to hangout with. You certainly fit that bill… And you’re admittedly adorable. You sneeze like a kitten! How could I not find that precious!” Hah! Now it was Celly’s turn to be blushing. “Sun Butt, I would honestly be honored if you want to date me. I’m sure in time I’ll be the one complimenting your flanks…” I took a deep breath before making up my mind up. Fuck it; she ain’t human, but I’m not human anymore either. . “Fuck it, Celly. We both like each other, and we’re apparently each other’s ‘types’. You only live once, and I only live for so long… Let’s actually plan out a proper date at some point.”
“YES!” Celestia pulled me into a hug and started showering me with kisses. “Though that is for later, admittedly. After you suggested taking my student and her assistant along, I do wish to just spend some time with the three of you while we leisurely play mini-golf.”
“Fair enough. Flowers are what are usually brought to dates, right?” I asked.
Celestia simply giggled. “I’ll walk you through a date when we get to it; flowers are a part of it though.”
“Aight…” I nuzzled her. “Love ya, Celestia.”
“That… is the first time you just called me Celestia and not some dumb nickname, or Princess to ‘take the piss’ out of me.”
“Hey, if I’m saying I love you, I want it to be genuine. It doesn’t sound very genuine if I’m saying ‘Love ya, Sunbutt, does it?”
Celestia was struggling, yes, struggling, to keep her excitement bottled up. Currently, it was neck and neck for mini golf, Spike and Source Code were tied with each other, and often only pulled ahead of the other by a point or two. Celestia found herself in second place, leaving Twilight in deadlast. A rule for mini-golf was ‘hooves only’. Twilight, bless her heart, was very reliant on magic, so she wasn’t exactly suited for mini-golf. She probably would’ve been sitting on the bench, next to Celestia, while fuming, if it wasn’t for one question she clearly had in mind.
Right now, she was watching her stallion’s hips sway as stood on his hindlegs, as he lined up a shot. The hole they were currently on was a complex one. Spike had just messed up and hit his ball into a water hazard that was just behind the generic windmill hazard. The way his tail wagged, the way that Source put his all into his strong, though gentle, strokes. It was the last hole… Oh how she loved her stupid, too dense for his own good(though not entirely his fault). The fact that, despite definitely all the reasons that probably went up in his head… He considered her age, or rather, her permanently stagnant age. He knew that they didn’t have all the time in the world to figure out if the two would truly make a good couple…
She’s going to have to make sure he knows that he won’t need a job now; he’ll officially be her consort, even though they aren’t married yet. So he’ll be living in the castle, likely in her quarters, where all his needs will be taken care of. After all, Source Code was seemingly stressing over getting a job if his huge pile of job applications were saying anything about his view on having a job or not. Perhaps she can give him a job in the castle if he still desires to work, even if working is entirely pointless for him.
There were a few things she needed to work out with Source though. Namely his attitude towards living life in Equestria; he’s half-admitted to being possibly suicidal on numurous occasions.
“Princess, do know that you have to worry about Source eventually… and purposefully hurting himself?” Twilight asked. The two of them were sharing ice cream while Spike was kicking her coltfriend’s flanks for beating him at mini-golf by one point. They had been discussing the implications of the two dating. “And… while I may not exactly like Source Code all that much, I can admit that was partially why I didn’t like him; I was rude and he was being rude back. And as much as I don’t like him, I don’t want to see him kill himself.”
“I am aware. However, I believe Source and I are fairly similar in the fact that we like to drown ourselves in our work. Perhaps… Source does it for different, and unhealthy, reasons, but we do enjoy making the day pass on after a long day of working.”
“What do you mean, Princess?”
“Source Code drowns himself in work to drown out his… less than stellar mental health.”
“Oh…”
“Twilight, control your dragon!” Both mares turned to Source, who was laying on the ground with Spike ‘attacking’ the back of his head. The stallion had clearly given up, more than likely so he wouldn’t hurt the baby drake on his back, and was just taking the beating.
“But I thought you two were ‘bros’,” Twilight said, making air quotes with her hooves.
“NOT WHEN THEY BEAT YOU IN ANYTHING BY LITERALLY ONE POINT!” Spike shouts.
“It’s not my fault your ball fell in the water hazard!”
Both Mentor and Student shared a look, before chuckling.
“Stallions.”
“Colts.”
“Hey, Celly! Save your poor boyfriend, please!” Source pleaded, giving his newly acquired girlfriend some surprisingly pitiful puppy eyes. Celestia stared at them for a good five seconds before shaking her head with a smile on her face. She Levitated Spike off of her coltfriend before setting the raging drake on the bench. The stallion quickly dashed up to the bench, despite it holding his archnemesis, the angry, baby dragon, and hiding on the other side of her. At least her stallion plays the part; mares are usually the dominant sex in most heterosexual relationships after all.
“Thank you,” Source whispered, before licking her right wing… She flinched away.
“Source! Not in public! You don’t want to make me drool and fall asleep on a bench in the middle of a mini-golf course?”
“Can I do it for you before bed?”
“Of course you may. You better not head home tonight after you knock me out; I demand my snuggly stallion now that the two of us are officially dating.”
“You got it, Boss!” Source said, leaning into his girlfriend’s shoulder while the two of them started smiling at the future that is likely to come.